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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag Do invites

50 replies

DaddyTee · 03/06/2021 13:11

I am having a stag do soon and I've invited some people who I know and enjoy the company of in my village and not invited other people who I know but maybe not as well or do not necessarily enjoy the company of as much.

My partner is upset with me because I have not invited the husband of a close friend of hers, and I've not invited him because I don't know him that well. Then there is a neighbour who we've both known for years but I don't necessarily enjoy his company, but my partner says she feels awkward because I've not invited him but she has invited another neighbour to her hen do who we both know and they are very good friends between themselves so it I can imagine it is a little bit awkward but I do find his company to be a bit tiring and certainly the conversation is almost always one sided.

Do I invite these two other men in the village to make my partner happy or "less awkward" or should I stick with taking who I want to my stag do?

I should add that I actually have two stag do's, one further away (I have some distant friends) and this one which is much closer, so because of that, should I just do it and hope everything goes well?

OP posts:
Original poster
DaddyTee · 03/06/2021 13:14

Sorry, for the voting the question I would ask is "am I being unreasonable by not inviting these two other people?"

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 03/06/2021 13:16

Tell the bride you are capable of sorting out your social diary, and she can sort out hers.

Palavah · 03/06/2021 13:17

Yanbu but why 2 stag dos?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/06/2021 13:19

@Palavah

Yanbu but why 2 stag dos?
It literally says it right there...

Yanbu Op. Are they being awkward or is it just your partner saying it will be awkward? You don't need to invite people you don't get on 100%, nor does she. Enjoy it with your mates

Comefromaway · 03/06/2021 13:21

YANBU

And I had two hen dos. One in the area I was living for friends & one closer to my home town for family, sil and home based friends including my bridesmaid.

Palavah · 03/06/2021 13:21

If that had sufficed as an explanation I wouldn't have asked.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/06/2021 13:22

Surely you invite those who are coming to the actual wedding and are the friends and family you want to celebrate with.
If not be having two events though, one is plenty.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/06/2021 13:23

I think it depends on the group dynamics. Does everyone else on the stag do know each other? If so it might be awkward. If not then a couple extra might be ok. Are they people you see often? If yes again I don't think it matters inviting extra but if you are seeing mates you've not seen in ages then you're going to want to catch up with them. Also depends on what you're doing - a meal and drinks, I think it would be nicer with friends you know well. A day of activities like paintball, it might actually go better with more people. And what are the people like, are they social, will they like going out with a bunch of strangers? I'd feel awkward being invited to a stag do, and would only really want to go if they were good friends, but my husband loves going on them as he says it makes the wedding a lot more fun when everyone knows each other and have funny stories to share on the day and there isnt so much 'how do you know the bride / groom's small talk.

Saying all that though, I didnt have a hen do but I'd have been a bit miffed if my husband started telling me who to invite. Are you asking her to invite any of your good friends wives or gf to her hen do? If not I'd suggest this and see how it went down.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/06/2021 13:23

Distance, people. It's because some people have friends in far away places and like that they travel to them rather than 10 people having to sort travel.

SnarkyBag · 03/06/2021 13:24

Yeah it’s fine presumably you’re not dictating who goes on her hen do?

It’s all a lot less awkward than my DH inviting an old best mate to the stag weekend but actually forgot to invite him to the wedding. The penny didn’t drop until the reception cue DH making a frantic phone call absolutely mortified and begging he comes to the reception.

cosima8 · 03/06/2021 13:31

If you don’t mind me asking, will you be going to a strip club on either of these occasions?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 13:33

Do you get a say in who she invites? Does she get a say in who your friends are normally?

Original poster
DaddyTee · 03/06/2021 13:36

Thank you all for your replies.

No I am not dictating or suggesting who goes on her hen do and no, she doesn't want me to go to a strip club, and I completely understand that (let's just say her previous husband wasn't very loyal).

The reason I am doing two is for the distance, I moved a fair distance from my old friends to be with my partner and so rather than expect them to all come up here, I will go to them. But I have made friends close up here too, hence the reason for two stag do's.

Any suggestions on what I can do to help my partner feel less awkward? I have been thinking I could message the two men to explain but it is bit difficult to say "I find your company a bit hard work" for one...?

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/06/2021 13:39

I thought stag/hen dos are for best mates...... people who add to your life and you feel comfortable with?!!

SnarkyBag · 03/06/2021 13:41

I honestly don’t think the other men would give it a second thought so wouldn’t message them. Your wife to be is worrying about her female friends thoughts on it. Honestly it’s not a big deal.

Youseethethingis · 03/06/2021 13:43

You don't owe anyone an explanation, you'll just create awkwardness that previously only existed in your partner's imagination.
I do sympathise though, I'm a bridesmaid next month and trying to arrange hen celebrations where everyone's opinion and comfort matters more than the actual brides is immensely frustrating. I want to tell the whole lot of them to piss off and my friend and I can go get some cocktails in peace! But alas, politics...Hmm

araiwa · 03/06/2021 13:45

Give her a list of female people you know and ask why she hasn't invited them on her hen do

user1493494961 · 03/06/2021 13:48

I think it depends what you're doing, if it's a pub crawl event it doesn't matter who goes. If a weekend away then it helps to know the invitees.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/06/2021 13:55

Any suggestions on what I can do to help my partner feel less awkward? I have been thinking I could message the two men to explain but it is bit difficult to say "I find your company a bit hard work" for one...?

You don't need to do that. Sorry if I missed it but is she feeling awkward because they ask or she she just being bit of a dramalama and thinks it will be a problem?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 13:58

Are these guys coming to the wedding?

cosima8 · 03/06/2021 13:59

I think you should just invite who you feel comfortable with, OP. No explanations needed..

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/06/2021 14:02

Dont say anything at all to the other non invitees. It would make it awkward when it probably isn't.
Stag dos don't have to involve every single person you've ever met. Keep it down to people you know well whose company you enjoy and don't talk about it to anyone who is'nt invited and ask GF to do the same. She can easily wave any questions away with an eye roll saying I've left it to him to organise and move on. I hope you have a nice time BTW.

steakandcheeseplease · 03/06/2021 14:03

I had two hen dos. Its not unusual.

She doesn't really get to dictate who you invite. She's not having to sit and talk to them

Original poster
DaddyTee · 03/06/2021 14:09

@SleepingStandingUp

Are these guys coming to the wedding?
No, neither of them are and only some of them that are coming to the stag do are actually coming to the wedding. We are deliberately keeping the numbers low due to any possible chance of COVID restrictions that may or may not be enforced.
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 14:10

Oh of course, was gonna say usually you wouldn't invite anyone to the stay who isn't coming to the wedding but yes, strange times with limited numbers.
Still, tell her you want people your comfortable with there so it's a no

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