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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag Do invites

50 replies

DaddyTee · 03/06/2021 13:11

I am having a stag do soon and I've invited some people who I know and enjoy the company of in my village and not invited other people who I know but maybe not as well or do not necessarily enjoy the company of as much.

My partner is upset with me because I have not invited the husband of a close friend of hers, and I've not invited him because I don't know him that well. Then there is a neighbour who we've both known for years but I don't necessarily enjoy his company, but my partner says she feels awkward because I've not invited him but she has invited another neighbour to her hen do who we both know and they are very good friends between themselves so it I can imagine it is a little bit awkward but I do find his company to be a bit tiring and certainly the conversation is almost always one sided.

Do I invite these two other men in the village to make my partner happy or "less awkward" or should I stick with taking who I want to my stag do?

I should add that I actually have two stag do's, one further away (I have some distant friends) and this one which is much closer, so because of that, should I just do it and hope everything goes well?

OP posts:
laudete · 03/06/2021 14:10

These are your (stag) parties, to socialise with your friends. The bride can invite any of her friends to her own (hen) party. Just because they are men doesn't mean she has to exclude them. Nor does it mean you have to make up for her exclusions.

I hope you both have a lovely time at your various parties - with your respective friends.

Boood · 03/06/2021 14:15

She needs to stop inserting herself into a non-existent drama. The chances are nobody will ask her to explain your invitation list, and if they do she can tell them she hasn’t been involved. My in-laws invent reasons like this to try and dictate decisions that aren’t theirs. They have to be told, firmly, otherwise you enable an ever-increasing circle of obligation and resentment.

Wexone · 03/06/2021 14:16

your stag your get to decide who is invited

Propagandalf · 03/06/2021 14:17

@cosima8

If you don’t mind me asking, will you be going to a strip club on either of these occasions?
LOL

Only on Mumsnet :-P

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/06/2021 14:26

It wouldn’t occur to me to be upset if I wasn’t invited to any kind of gathering clearly for close friends. I wouldn’t expect to go to my neighbour’s hen do just because her husband had invited another neighbour to his stag.

Massive generalisation but I reckon men care far less than women about this sort of thing anyway. I very much doubt your girlfriend’s friend’s husband will think of himself as “left out” in anything like the way your girlfriend is worrying he might.

BigFatLiar · 03/06/2021 14:32

If they're not your mates then they're probably not bothered.
Nor asking them to join in saves them the embarrassment of declining or joining in when they'd rather be with their mates.

RipplesBips · 03/06/2021 14:33

Lots of attempts at derailing on here because a man can't possibly be in the right. YANBU OP - and it's entirely irrelevant to everyone here why you're having two or whether you're going to a stag do - they're just looking for a reason to have a go. I assume your fiancee isn't going on your Stag Do so it's absolutely nothing to do with her - I'd expect she might ask if you didn't invite her dad/brother because that would be standard and helps the families to blend but getting her knickers in a twist over a random neighbour?! I assume she hasn't invited the wives of all your friends to her Hen do?

Doilooklikeatourist · 03/06/2021 15:33

It’s your stag do , therefore you decided who to invite
There’s no need to make excuses to the people you’re not inviting

Original poster
DaddyTee · 03/06/2021 15:52

@BigFatLiar

If they're not your mates then they're probably not bothered. Nor asking them to join in saves them the embarrassment of declining or joining in when they'd rather be with their mates.
Well I guess the neighbour probably would consider me his mate, and I probably would consider him a mate, but, not to sound like I'm trying to complicate matters but I feel like there are plenty of people with mates you would invite to a stag do and mates you wouldn't, you wouldn't consider them not mates though. I do feel like our proximity to him keeps him at that kind of level for me. For example, if he decided to move 10 miles away, I am very likely not to keep in touch - not out of meanness, but the relationship is just not meaningful enough to me to continue it.
OP posts:
Palavah · 03/06/2021 15:55

@RipplesBips

Lots of attempts at derailing on here because a man can't possibly be in the right. YANBU OP - and it's entirely irrelevant to everyone here why you're having two or whether you're going to a stag do - they're just looking for a reason to have a go. I assume your fiancee isn't going on your Stag Do so it's absolutely nothing to do with her - I'd expect she might ask if you didn't invite her dad/brother because that would be standard and helps the families to blend but getting her knickers in a twist over a random neighbour?! I assume she hasn't invited the wives of all your friends to her Hen do?
Would you like to stop assuming what I am/am not thinking, or looking for? Thanks.
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 15:57

It’s nothing to do with her. She’s got no right to dictate the guest list. Does she usually consider herself in charge and the boss of you?

If anyone asks her she should tell them it’s your stag do and therefore nothing to do with her.

DH had two shall stag dos and our wedding was just close family. Neither was his idea, he didn’t want one never mind two but two different sets of friends wanted an excuse for a night out so he went along with them. No one was obliged to attend either and I had zero involvement with them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 15:58

Would you like to stop assuming what I am/am not thinking, or looking for? Thanks.

Hello the interfering bride...?

Sittingonabench · 03/06/2021 15:59

She is likely feeling awkward due to an increased level of social awareness about what you SHOULD be doing due to the wedding. To make her feel better about it just remind her your marrying her because you love her an are committed to her and everything else is window dressing. You invite who you want and if people are that quick to be offended then they aren’t mates. I wouldn’t give (or need if the roles were reversed) an explanation but if you want to just say you are keeping it small and intimate

StevenYerTeasReady · 03/06/2021 16:00

@cosima8

If you don’t mind me asking, will you be going to a strip club on either of these occasions?
You might have been better PMing him if you were looking for business :)
SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/06/2021 16:00

For example, if he decided to move 10 miles away, I am very likely not to keep in touch - not out of meanness, but the relationship is just not meaningful enough to me to continue it.

Yeah. I wouldn't have an acquaintance there too. And tbh I don't think acquaintance would even expect it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/06/2021 16:01

Omg @StevenYerTeasReady 😂

motogogo · 03/06/2021 16:02

Yanbu but where there is a couple and one partner is closer to one than another it's kind of normal to ask the other partner to the stag/hen as applicable. I've certainly been invited to hen/pre wedding parties of my exh's colleagues, I only knew them as part of the couple and didn't have their mobile number etc

Palavah · 03/06/2021 16:02

@AnneLovesGilbert

Would you like to stop assuming what I am/am not thinking, or looking for? Thanks.

Hello the interfering bride...?

Ha, no - I meant the suggestion that asking about 2 stag dos must be looking for a way to have a go.

I asked about the 2 stag dos because when I was an expat it was common to have a local hen and a UK hen. Local hens weren't necessarily invited to the wedding, it was a different vibe. I wondered if something similar might be happening here. But apparently i was 'derailing'.

SimonJT · 03/06/2021 16:02

If shes that worried she can invite them to her hen do.

MiddleClassMother · 03/06/2021 16:04

DH had only close friends at his stag do, and I can't imagine he would want my friends husbands to accompany him if he didn't know them very well. Would she invite your friends wives to her hen do, I doubt it...

Just take who you want; and tell your bride to stop interfering.

Laiste · 03/06/2021 16:14

I wouldn't appreciate DHs expecting me to invite his mate's wives to my hen do!

As for the neighbour thing - do you think he'll feel disappointed not to be asked? The quality of his one to one convo. won't really matter on a stag do. Big groups change the dynamics. If you like him and you consider him a mate, invite him. If not, don't.

Original poster
DaddyTee · 03/06/2021 16:55

@Laiste

I wouldn't appreciate DHs expecting me to invite his mate's wives to my hen do!

As for the neighbour thing - do you think he'll feel disappointed not to be asked? The quality of his one to one convo. won't really matter on a stag do. Big groups change the dynamics. If you like him and you consider him a mate, invite him. If not, don't.

Yes, I thought about this myself but it isn't necessarily just the quality of conversation; it is the dynamic of the evening. Yes I'm going on a pub crawl (government allowing), but I'm not a big drinker, I'm not there to "get sloshed" and be handcuffed to a railing naked as the day I was born. I want a quiet easy-going drink a nice catch-up with some mates not seen in a while and I'm worried it ends up being drinking games and shots. He has regaled me on numerous occasions of his drinking exploits and shenanigans and they just aren't my scene.
OP posts:
Rmka · 03/06/2021 17:28

YANBU. I've never heard of such a thing. I also had two hen dos because some friends were too far away. Both events were for close friends only and that's completely normal. My husband also only had his close friends at his stag do and I wouldn't dream to question who he (or actually his best man) invited or didn't.

It's YOUR stag do. Tell her it's a once in a lifetime event and you only want people who you're close with. And she can invite whoever she wants, you wouldn't question her choices. It's unlikely your not so close friends will get upset.

Congratulations and have fun at your stag dos!

JanuaryJonez · 03/06/2021 18:01

I second what Rmka said.

Hen and Stag dos in my experience live or die on the right mix of people - that's why it's common to have two.

MinnieMountain · 03/06/2021 20:44

I viewed my hen do as the only bit of our wedding where I could do exactly as I wanted. Hence I didn’t invite BIL’s then DP as she was a complete pain in the arse.

Do what you want to do.

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