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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Sent to Coventry'. Again.

31 replies

OhFFSMum · 02/06/2021 21:29

Anyone's other halves do this? I'm being basically blanked by my husband this evening, something he seems to do fairly frequently lately. I'm so, SO fed up / down - I want him to fuck off to bed so I can just sob to myself on the sofa.

We had a bit of a falling out this morning over how much something is costing us - everything I suggested to try and lower the cost was wrong and he scoffed at and in the end I got the arse with his attitude and told him not to bother asking me about things if I wasn't allowed to answer. Been pretty shitty between us since then but I took myself out for the rest of the day (preplanned meet with a friend). Returned this evening and seems I'm still being blanked (I tried to make conversation and got one word answers whilst he stared at his phone).

AIBU to say that I just don't want to live like this anymore!!!? Even when we haven't fallen out ive realised lately that we have absolutely F all to talk about with each other and we never EVER laugh about anything anymore together (I can't actually remember if we ever did tbh). We have 3 kids who we both love (well the 2 youngest are his and he dotes on them, my eldest and him are 'OK' with each other but are not close - he winds her up). I've thought about leaving but I know it would break my sons heart in particular not to have his daddy around all the time and also I could never afford to pay for this house, or any other house in this area or even remotely near where we are now. I'm effectively trapped. In this miserable excuse for a marriage / relationship.

He's gone to bed now (without saying goodnight) so I'm gonna crack on with my crying now :( . I don't want to do this for the rest of my life...

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/06/2021 21:34

He’s abusing you but you know that.

You need to leave him before your children think that this terrible example is that of a normal relationship.

LuckyWookie · 02/06/2021 21:38

Mine is quite huffy and often stomps off and won’t talk to me. I regard it as an opportunity to have some peace and watch whatever I want on the telly. I just ignore him and he comes out of it eventually.

PostmanSplat · 02/06/2021 21:39

You deserve better

FrankButchersDickieBow · 02/06/2021 21:40

Yabu for crying over the sulking twat. Yanbu to question why you have ended up with someone who makes you feel sad.

Fuck. Him. Off.

lissie123 · 02/06/2021 21:41

It’s a form of abuse. Leave.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 02/06/2021 21:41

@LuckyWookie

Mine is quite huffy and often stomps off and won’t talk to me. I regard it as an opportunity to have some peace and watch whatever I want on the telly. I just ignore him and he comes out of it eventually.
Sounds tiring and like you're his mum, rather than his life partner.
suggestionsplease1 · 02/06/2021 21:49

Depends on how you are able to handle this OP. If you can call him out on it and say ' Listen, this silent treatment is unacceptable and I am not prepared to continue like this' what do you think he would say?

At the moment you are acquiescing to the situation (and I make no judgement of that if you are in a dangerous or abusive situation).

If you can call him out on it then do and take it from there. If for whatever reason you can't then make your plans to leave.

Hurr8cane84 · 02/06/2021 21:51

YABU. Just leave. His money is not worth your happiness. I'd rather be poor than be treated like that by my partner.

notanothertakeaway · 02/06/2021 21:54

I can't be bothered with sulking. Deeply unattractive. Try to ignore it

1Morewineplease · 02/06/2021 21:57

@Merryoldgoat

He’s abusing you but you know that.

You need to leave him before your children think that this terrible example is that of a normal relationship.

Isn't it just quarrelling and sulking? MN is just too quick to say LTB.

This could be overcome with dialogue and possibly, counselling.

Merryoldgoat · 02/06/2021 22:02

@1Morewineplease

No. Stonewalling and ignoring are classic abusive behaviours.

OP says he does it frequently

The description of the argument is him demeaning her efforts to resolve a problem and then ignoring her when she finally gets upset at his nastiness.

That’s not ok.

Lots of people have a very low bar I find.

The addition of him ‘winding up’ her older child is the icing on the cake.

user1471453601 · 02/06/2021 22:05

There is another side to this, and only you and your partner know which side he/you fall.

If someone I love and care about says or does something that hurts me I tend to go into my shell. I try to explain what I'm hurt about, and that I need to think things through.

I do not go silent to punish anyone or to hurt anyone. Here is my thought process.

Firstly, I have to get over the hurt (possibly at most, a day) then I try to analyse why it hurt so much, what did I do to provoke the situation? What was happening to the other person at the time? Did I escalate the situation? If so, how and why?

I'm fully aware that I'll get flamed on.here, so be it.

I just wanted to say that there are more reasons than one why a person might withdraw for a while.

I have a nasty tongue sometimes and with people you love, you also know the buttons to press to inflame a situation. I try not to abuse the power of knowledge of that person. To me, doing so and intentionally hurting them back is not on.

So I withdraw, try to think rationally about what has happened, and then apologise (if I've been instrumental in the arguement) or to try to explain my thought process about the situation, and how I now feel, having processed the argument.

BooGhoosty · 02/06/2021 22:07

Nothing more cunty than silent treatment op. ThanksWine

lottiegarbanzo · 02/06/2021 22:09

Withdrawing when someone upsets you is very different from upsetting someone else, then withdrawing when they pull you up on it.

Zerrin13 · 02/06/2021 22:10

Why are you sobbing into the sofa? He isn't is he? Getting all emotional and upset achieves nothing in these situations. Breezily go about your day and ignore this miserable knob back. He does this because it works. He knows he is punishing you and he enjoys it. Show him its not affective anymore.

Sparklesocks · 02/06/2021 22:10

It sounds like a very tiring and stressful way to live. I know you don’t want to upset the family unit but you can’t do this forever Flowers

LuckyWookie · 02/06/2021 22:12

Sounds tiring and like you're his mum, rather than his life partner
His mum is the one he learned this sulking behaviour from!

scrambledcustard · 02/06/2021 22:14

OP I was in exactly the same position as you two years ago. I let it drag on another year before I finally bit the bullet.

He sounds like he has already checked out of your relationship.

Are you married?
Do you own your house?
Do you work?

carlywurly · 02/06/2021 22:15

This is a sad post. He's not worth your tears. It's such childish, cruel behaviour.

Leave if you possibly can and be happy.

movpov · 02/06/2021 22:17

The silent treatment is bad enough - my ex used to do it every time there was a disagreement, and he would never make the first move towards smoothing things over. I realised years later that one of the things that killed it for me was the fact he knew it really upset me, and he did it anyway. I suspect yours is the same. In that sense, YABU .

However, of much more concern is the way you talk about your eldest and the fact he 'winds her up'- in what way? How old is she? Why is this happening? Why is she having to live in the same house as a man who does this and obviously treats her differently from the other two? He's not a good guy

Zzelda · 02/06/2021 22:35

Get legal advice. I suspect you have an argument for staying in the house to give the children a roof over their heads.

IWantT0BreakFree · 02/06/2021 22:57

The real issue here (which you've more or less skimmed over) is the fact that you have married and had children with a man who "winds up" your existing daughter and has failed to establish a bond with her. She is living with a man who dotes on her siblings and treats her differently. Why would you allow her to live under those conditions? What is this teaching her about her value as a person? About her value to you?

He sounds like a shit husband, but more importantly he's a shit stepdad and it's your job to make sure your daughter isnt treated like a second class citizen in her own home. For her sake you should put an end to this.

Velvian · 02/06/2021 23:01

Ask him to look up stonewalling. If he has grown up with this, he may not realise how abusive and inappropriate it is. He needs to make amends fast.

He does not have to agree about what you consider to be unacceptable behaviour. You can end the relationship at any time.

Haffiana · 02/06/2021 23:28

@IWantT0BreakFree

The real issue here (which you've more or less skimmed over) is the fact that you have married and had children with a man who "winds up" your existing daughter and has failed to establish a bond with her. She is living with a man who dotes on her siblings and treats her differently. Why would you allow her to live under those conditions? What is this teaching her about her value as a person? About her value to you?

He sounds like a shit husband, but more importantly he's a shit stepdad and it's your job to make sure your daughter isnt treated like a second class citizen in her own home. For her sake you should put an end to this.

This.

Raise your bar OP. Stop sobbing on the sofa and start protecting your children.

HollowTalk · 02/06/2021 23:42

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Yabu for crying over the sulking twat. Yanbu to question why you have ended up with someone who makes you feel sad.

Fuck. Him. Off.

I couldn't have said it better myself!