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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Sent to Coventry'. Again.

31 replies

OhFFSMum · 02/06/2021 21:29

Anyone's other halves do this? I'm being basically blanked by my husband this evening, something he seems to do fairly frequently lately. I'm so, SO fed up / down - I want him to fuck off to bed so I can just sob to myself on the sofa.

We had a bit of a falling out this morning over how much something is costing us - everything I suggested to try and lower the cost was wrong and he scoffed at and in the end I got the arse with his attitude and told him not to bother asking me about things if I wasn't allowed to answer. Been pretty shitty between us since then but I took myself out for the rest of the day (preplanned meet with a friend). Returned this evening and seems I'm still being blanked (I tried to make conversation and got one word answers whilst he stared at his phone).

AIBU to say that I just don't want to live like this anymore!!!? Even when we haven't fallen out ive realised lately that we have absolutely F all to talk about with each other and we never EVER laugh about anything anymore together (I can't actually remember if we ever did tbh). We have 3 kids who we both love (well the 2 youngest are his and he dotes on them, my eldest and him are 'OK' with each other but are not close - he winds her up). I've thought about leaving but I know it would break my sons heart in particular not to have his daddy around all the time and also I could never afford to pay for this house, or any other house in this area or even remotely near where we are now. I'm effectively trapped. In this miserable excuse for a marriage / relationship.

He's gone to bed now (without saying goodnight) so I'm gonna crack on with my crying now :( . I don't want to do this for the rest of my life...

OP posts:
Original poster
OhFFSMum · 03/06/2021 00:19

Thank you for all of your replies. I've stopped crying now - yes probably not the best use of my time but hey I'm only human and sometimes you need to let it out don't you.

With regard to my eldest - I forget sometimes on here that you have to be very careful how you word things. Let me be clear - you'd be hard pushed to find a happier, more joyful kid than my 13 year old. No - they're not 'close' and yes he gets on her nerves (as he does mine) but he's not abusing her. He's been in her life for ten years and tells anyone who asks that he has three children. He does dote on the little ones - we all do. But she gets PLENTY of positive attention and love too. No major issues there - but thank you all for your concern.

But yes - I do worry that our relationship is really not setting a good example to all of them. Lately our arguments have become more frequent, money is short and he is stressed trying to find a new job, I'm often exhausted trying to hold everything/everyone together. He was an arse this morning and I snapped back and yes now he's been giving me the silent / frosty treatment all day. Usually I would insist he told me what was wrong, why is he being like this - to which he would probably get more pissed off and insist nothing was wrong and we'd have another row... If I get upset it has no effect on him anymore, so I decided I was just gonna let him get on with it tonight but yes it has upset me...

With regard to leaving - I appreciate the responses from people who have suggested this is what I need to do, and perhaps I do. But where would we live? How would I pay for us all to eat, have clothes, etc etc. I do work, part time in a PA role, but until the smallest one can start nursery next year I can't afford to increase my days (the salary still wouldn't cover the mortgage here). It's not about wanting his money as someone above suggested it's about how would we survive? Genuine question.

Anyway. Thanks again for all of the responses.. I'll see how the land lies tomorrow and try to speak to him.

OP posts:
Zzelda · 03/06/2021 08:22

With regard to leaving - I appreciate the responses from people who have suggested this is what I need to do, and perhaps I do. But where would we live? How would I pay for us all to eat, have clothes, etc etc. I do work, part time in a PA role, but until the smallest one can start nursery next year I can't afford to increase my days (the salary still wouldn't cover the mortgage here). It's not about wanting his money as someone above suggested it's about how would we survive? Genuine question.

Get legal advice about your rights in terms of the family home and maintenance.

MissyB1 · 03/06/2021 08:29

Op you would be entitled to help, if you don’t earn enough to pay for accommodation/ bills/ food etc then that’s what benefits are for. And when he gets another job he will have to pay maintenance.
You are not a prisoner in this relationship. If it’s easier to wait till youngest is at nursery I understand that, you could bide your time and be making plans. That’s what I did. My ex used to do exactly the same to me, every row was my fault and I would be ignored for days on end. It’s emotional abuse and controlling behaviour.

ZoniSouslaLune · 03/06/2021 18:24

I'm not sure anyone has mentioned marriage counseling, but it might be worth a try.

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/06/2021 18:28

[quote Merryoldgoat]@1Morewineplease

No. Stonewalling and ignoring are classic abusive behaviours.

OP says he does it frequently

The description of the argument is him demeaning her efforts to resolve a problem and then ignoring her when she finally gets upset at his nastiness.

That’s not ok.

Lots of people have a very low bar I find.

The addition of him ‘winding up’ her older child is the icing on the cake.[/quote]
This.
He sounds like an immature twat, op. I wouldn’t put up with it.

Shoxfordian · 03/06/2021 18:28

Don’t stay with him any longer than you have to

Get some legal advice

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