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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AiBU to still go away for weekend without DH

74 replies

Pondfrog12 · 02/06/2021 19:45

Hello munsnetters

Need some internet help on AIBU.

Backstory: me DH and two DCs, and like many others had our summer holiday cancelled last year. We rebooked it for april this year but, anticipating the pandemic shit show and knowing we probably wouldn't be going, last year I also booked a surprise little beach weekend break in UK for end of june this year - to surprise DH and DC with nearer the time. Alas, it was all done in good faith.

Fast forward through the pandemic and of course, our rebooked abroad holiday was cancelled but my surprise one looked like it was still okay to go ahead so I told DH about it. He was really taken aback by how nice it was to do that etc, but at the time it looked like due to his shifts he wouldn't be able to go.

The trip is in 4 weeks time and I've been saying to him can you take a couple days AL to come with us, but he basically said he would rather spend the last AL he has to go to Butlins for 4 nights rather than this little break for 2 nights.

We've had several conversations about this and I asked him to take 2 of his AL days from the beginning of xmas holidays to still come to this little break AND still go butlins (I know, first world problems right)

I did say I would still like to go even if I took the kids on my own (his shifts would be lates/nights anyway that weekend so seemed like a good solution to just still go), I said would you be pissed off if I still went, and he said well no one likes to be left out.

During these conversations I also said i would like to go visit my sister about 2 hours away in the summer with the kids and would try and do it on his days off so that he could come too, but he wasnt very forthcoming with dates to organise this.

A few days later, my sister said she was moving out of her flat and moving into a new one but had 6 nights where she was basically homeless, and it just so happened that this homeless period started on the same date as the weekend break, so I said instead of me coming to see you in the summer , why dont you join us for this weekend break as Dh cant come. 2 birds with one stone, she has a roof over her head and we get to spend the time together we wanted.

DH is absolutely fuming.

He essentially wanted me to cancel the break, and put the money towards butlins, I said I dont need to cancel just for the money, I'm an NHS midwife who has worked overtime during pandemic and have enough money to enjoy the summer now.

AIBu to go to this break with my sister ? In this scenario? He said he would be pissed off either way, that I would've gone on my own, or with my sister. But having my sister coming just concrete that I am actually going to go, and not potentially cancel last minute if I was due to go on my own

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 03/06/2021 07:20

He can't be jealous at missing out and think it's shit. Either he waves you off happily looking forward to a weekend of peace or he should have worked out a way weeks ago to come (take AL from Christmas, try to swap shifts, try to change holiday dates).

I also worked a lot of overtime and told DH it was all being spent on holidays. That was my motivation/reward for slogging through.

Pondfrog12 · 03/06/2021 07:20

@Kissthepastrychef

If he earns 3 times what you do but only pays half the bills where is the rest of his salary going ? If the answer ti that is "he keeps it" what business is it if his where your overtime goes ?

This snapshot doesn't sound very healthy OP

Yes that is a snap shot apologies he does pay towards more than I do

50/50 on mortgage
70/30 ish on bills
And he pays for my lease car

Funny thing is hes asked me to quit/take a career break more than once (as if I would) and said he can take care of all the Bill's. Could you imagine how much this would be thrown in my face.....

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 03/06/2021 07:33

I'm suspicious about why he's asked you to take a career break. What is his reason? He sounds controlling over your time and your money.

Seesawmummadaw · 03/06/2021 08:42

Cancel butlins. Tell him your putting that money towards the house

Pondfrog12 · 03/06/2021 09:47

@SummerWhisper

I'm suspicious about why he's asked you to take a career break. What is his reason? He sounds controlling over your time and your money.
So that I look after the kids full time, this was mid-pandemic, he wasnt even working, I think he couldn't cope
OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 03/06/2021 09:53

Bullshit he couldn't cope. He wants you under his thumb to control even more. Glad you didn't do it. Your H isn't 'D' at all.

Pondfrog12 · 03/06/2021 13:36

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Bullshit he couldn't cope. He wants you under his thumb to control even more. Glad you didn't do it. Your H isn't 'D' at all.
I'm so glad I didnt do it either !
OP posts:
Newestname001 · 03/06/2021 14:11

He's being very "dog in the manger" isn't he?

Like others have said, may be time to reflect what positives he brings to your relationship and consider your next steps. VERY glad you didn't agree to take a career break - sounds like that would have been a stick to beat you with, especially for spending "his" money!

Just ignore the ungrateful behaviour and contrariness and enjoy your time off with your sister and children - even more so because you won't have a grumpy selfish git sulking and spoiling it for you all. 🌹

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 14:15

He's being a dick.

I don't want to go and I don't want anyone else to go and have fun either.

BestOfABadLot · 03/06/2021 14:42

He's being a dick. He has the option to come but doesn't want to but he doesn't want anyone to enjoy anything without him. He needs to stop sulking and suck it up.

Pondfrog12 · 03/06/2021 16:06

What does dog in the manger mean 😂 it's been said a couple times

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/06/2021 16:09

Your DH sounds like a child

Pondfrog12 · 03/06/2021 16:11

Oh dont worry I'm definitely going to go and will for sure be reflecting on whether this is the sort of person I want to be spending my life with! Hes been such an ARSEHOLE since yesterday, he had a day off today and I said to him this morning do you have any plans today I'm going to take the girls to a soft play thing, he said "I don't really want you coming "

I took this to mean he was either testing me to say "how does it feel to not be wanted" (which would of course be complete bullshit anyway as I never not wanted him to come) , or, he meant it that he doesnt want to be near me coz of the arguement

I immediately said that's fine, you take them, and in my head I planned a nice morning of shopping and perhaps getting my lashes done - few hours child free time! He never takes them out on his own!

Then , alas, he got called into work. Hes back now and being a grumpy bastard

OP posts:
Gertie75 · 03/06/2021 16:14

I had to Google Dog in the manger, it's very true.

AiBU to still go away for weekend without DH
Pondfrog12 · 03/06/2021 16:17

@Gertie75

I had to Google Dog in the manger, it's very true.
Oh my! This is him
OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/06/2021 16:17

He's being a dick.

Do you ever go on weekends away without him, with mates? Or even nights out? He sounds the sort that wouldn't like that either.

Notaroadrunner · 03/06/2021 16:20

@colouringcrayons

I wouldn't look a holiday without the other adult being involved so on that score, to me, yabu.

But if that is ok in your house, then he ibu for trying to stop you going just because he doesn't want to go.

It's a weekend away, not a holiday. Have you never gone on a weekend break without your other half? You know you don't need their permission to do so. It's not as if she's leaving him to mind the kids while she swans off.

@Pondfrog12 your Dh is like a stroppy toddler throwing a tantrum and the only thing to do with a toddler tantrum is to ignore it. Let him stay in the spare room. Go and have a fabulous time with your sister and the kids and don't let your Dh spoil the lead up to it. Don't even bother talking to him about it again. Just chat to your sister about the plans for the weekend instead.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 03/06/2021 16:20

@BigSandyBalls2015

He's being a dick.

Do you ever go on weekends away without him, with mates? Or even nights out? He sounds the sort that wouldn't like that either.

Or would be constantly messaging and phoning with nonsense because he can't 'cope'.
VeganCheesePlease · 03/06/2021 16:24

Yanbu at all. He sounds like he's having a huff, so let him!
You explored all options to try and get him to join, he wasn't interested, you then said you would still go if he can't make it, now he's throwing a huff because your sister is going instead. He's throwing his toys out the pram.

Taliskerskye · 03/06/2021 17:01

Did you marry a 12 year old.
Sorry what a twat really.

Newestname001 · 03/06/2021 17:49

Stay strong OP!! 🏋️‍♂️

colouringcrayons · 03/06/2021 20:24

@Notaroadrunner It's a weekend away, not a holiday. Have you never gone on a weekend break without your other half? You know you don't need their permission to do so. It's not as if she's leaving him to mind the kids while she swans off.

I haven't ever booked a holiday/weekend trip I was expecting my partner to go on without discussing it first, no. This is what the OP did - she was surprising her partner and expecting him to go.

Of course I have booked a holiday I was intending to go on on my own, but that's irrelevant to this thread.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 04/06/2021 14:34

Jesus OP with your updates your DH sounds so spiteful. Even more reason not to back down. I hope you and your DD's enjoy your weekend away. Perhaps you need to have a think about your relationship and I certainly wouldn't be giving up your job!

Twofurrycats · 04/06/2021 14:41

Is this about the holiday or is it about the fact that working overtime has given you some cash to do something with?

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