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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AiBU to still go away for weekend without DH

74 replies

Pondfrog12 · 02/06/2021 19:45

Hello munsnetters

Need some internet help on AIBU.

Backstory: me DH and two DCs, and like many others had our summer holiday cancelled last year. We rebooked it for april this year but, anticipating the pandemic shit show and knowing we probably wouldn't be going, last year I also booked a surprise little beach weekend break in UK for end of june this year - to surprise DH and DC with nearer the time. Alas, it was all done in good faith.

Fast forward through the pandemic and of course, our rebooked abroad holiday was cancelled but my surprise one looked like it was still okay to go ahead so I told DH about it. He was really taken aback by how nice it was to do that etc, but at the time it looked like due to his shifts he wouldn't be able to go.

The trip is in 4 weeks time and I've been saying to him can you take a couple days AL to come with us, but he basically said he would rather spend the last AL he has to go to Butlins for 4 nights rather than this little break for 2 nights.

We've had several conversations about this and I asked him to take 2 of his AL days from the beginning of xmas holidays to still come to this little break AND still go butlins (I know, first world problems right)

I did say I would still like to go even if I took the kids on my own (his shifts would be lates/nights anyway that weekend so seemed like a good solution to just still go), I said would you be pissed off if I still went, and he said well no one likes to be left out.

During these conversations I also said i would like to go visit my sister about 2 hours away in the summer with the kids and would try and do it on his days off so that he could come too, but he wasnt very forthcoming with dates to organise this.

A few days later, my sister said she was moving out of her flat and moving into a new one but had 6 nights where she was basically homeless, and it just so happened that this homeless period started on the same date as the weekend break, so I said instead of me coming to see you in the summer , why dont you join us for this weekend break as Dh cant come. 2 birds with one stone, she has a roof over her head and we get to spend the time together we wanted.

DH is absolutely fuming.

He essentially wanted me to cancel the break, and put the money towards butlins, I said I dont need to cancel just for the money, I'm an NHS midwife who has worked overtime during pandemic and have enough money to enjoy the summer now.

AIBu to go to this break with my sister ? In this scenario? He said he would be pissed off either way, that I would've gone on my own, or with my sister. But having my sister coming just concrete that I am actually going to go, and not potentially cancel last minute if I was due to go on my own

OP posts:
ShamrockHillz · 02/06/2021 20:46

I’d definitely be going in your shoes. 100%. If I were you, I’d use the time relaxing with your sister and thinking about whether I want to stay in this marriage. I know I could never be with someone who tried to control me like that.

Cheeeeislifenow · 02/06/2021 20:49

*Not sure what to say.
I'd really like to hear your partner's version of all of this, to be honest.
*

Why? What do you think he might say.
He is being completely unreasonable. This is making no difference bro his life , you are bringing the kids and he will be working. Why is he trying bro control what you do in your own spare time, with money that you saved up from overtime? He is being incredibly selfish.

Worriesome · 02/06/2021 20:49

He’s basically saying if he can’t go you shouldn’t go which is awful. Seeing as you’ve worked your backside off during the pandemic you deserve this break, you’ve organised it all with good intentions so why should you have to sit it out because he won’t take AL and join you and the kids.

Take your sister and have a ball, let him sulk, he’ll be working anyway so please don’t feel guilty whilst you’re on your beach break x

Gertie75 · 02/06/2021 20:50

He sounds like a right drama queen, it seems like he enjoyed you begging him to go and felt all important and now you have accepted he won't grant your wish he's sulking.

He should be happy that you and the kids are still able to have a break.

RainbowBriteUk · 02/06/2021 20:52

@Aprilwasverywet

Enjoy the trip with your dsis. Plan a nice new patio for when you get home .. Wink
@Aprilwasverywet Ha ha ha ha!!! Very dark sense of humour you have there!
Blossomtoes · 02/06/2021 20:54

@Aprilwasverywet

Enjoy the trip with your dsis. Plan a nice new patio for when you get home .. Wink
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
romdowa · 02/06/2021 20:55

I would 100% go now just to spite him. I'm shocked at how nasty he has turned over a two night break. While I'm sure it will be a lovely few days, it's not like you are going on the holiday of a life time without him. Tell him to get a grip

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/06/2021 20:55

He’s being very unreasonable and controlling. God knows why it bothers him so much unless he just likes bossing people (you) about.

A bit of a warning about Butlin’s this year - I’m on a Facebook group about it and people have all manner of complaints about booking activities/ swims etc so it might be worth joining one if you haven’t for tips about how to get the best out of it! Not relevant to your DH’s behaviour but worth a mention.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/06/2021 20:57

I also think he’s really out of order to criticise the break you’ve spent your hard earned money from working through the pandemic on!

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 02/06/2021 21:00

What a selfish pig your DH is! Does he really think that in a family, his, is the only opinion that matters? OP you worked through the pandemic, putting yourself at risk for others, and yet he begrudges you spending your own money on a little break that was originally booked with the best intentions in the world, ie, for the family which includes him! He is choosing not to go, so please don't let him dictate to you, or spoil your time with your sister. If he thinks a 2 night break is shit, and doesn't want to go, that's up to him, but to me he's showing real ingratitude for the love you showed in booking it. Maybe, if he ever organises something thinking it will be a treat for you, (which I'm guessing he probably never does) you should treat it with the same disdain?

Enjoy your break and don't give him a second thought!

Pondfrog12 · 02/06/2021 21:41

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

What a selfish pig your DH is! Does he really think that in a family, his, is the only opinion that matters? OP you worked through the pandemic, putting yourself at risk for others, and yet he begrudges you spending your own money on a little break that was originally booked with the best intentions in the world, ie, for the family which includes him! He is choosing not to go, so please don't let him dictate to you, or spoil your time with your sister. If he thinks a 2 night break is shit, and doesn't want to go, that's up to him, but to me he's showing real ingratitude for the love you showed in booking it. Maybe, if he ever organises something thinking it will be a treat for you, (which I'm guessing he probably never does) you should treat it with the same disdain?

Enjoy your break and don't give him a second thought!

Thank you, I've pretty much used these words in a text to him (hes sulking upstairs in spare room)
OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 02/06/2021 22:26

Enjoy your break, and considerate of you to think of your sister who I hope enjoys it too.

WinterSunglasses · 02/06/2021 22:36

@1Morewineplease

Not sure what to say. I'd really like to hear your partner's version of all of this, to be honest.
Hope you're posting this on every other thread in relationships then @1Morewineplease as it's surely the case with them all?

He said he thinks little 2 night breaks are shit and pointless he would rather go butlins for 4 nights..

I would now say to him, broken record style, every time he moaned or made a face 'but you said 2 night breaks are shit and pointless and you'd rather go for 4 nights, which is what you're doing, so I don't see the problem?' If he goes on about money towards the house, I'd be pointing out that you always pay for the Butlins trip that he enjoys so much so it's swings and roundabouts. All this is just whining to put you in the wrong by whatever means possible.

shivawn · 02/06/2021 22:48

This all sounds much harder than it needs to be. This would honestly be a non-issue for me, I'd just tell him I was going and he'd wave me off. We have joint finances but we're both very easy going with money and big believers in enjoying life.

Do you have a good relationship in general?

1Morewineplease · 02/06/2021 23:14

He's probably feeling miffed that after all this time, you get to go away for a a couple of days but the family, as a whole, can't.
Can't say that I'm surprised though.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 03/06/2021 00:23

Your DH sounds a bit of an arse. You both work and he begrudges you and your children a weekend away. He could have come with you but chose not to book annual leave. So why does he get to dictate what you do?

I started taking my teenager away for a week on my own as one year my DH went on a 10 day hobby/big birthday celebration with friends. My DH waved us off on holiday and we had a great time. Normal DH's want their family to enjoy themselves. It is now a tradition that me and DD go away for 10 days and my DH joins us for a long weekend, everyone is happy!

FizzyPink · 03/06/2021 00:34

Wow he is massively unreasonable. My DP hates taking time off work (self-employed) and it’s a real struggle to get him away more than once in the summer. However, he actively encourages me to go away with friends or my mum instead. He knows how much I love a holiday so would hate for me to stay at home because of him.

katy1213 · 03/06/2021 00:43

What a dog in the manger. You'll have a much better time without him.

MachiaNelly · 03/06/2021 04:38

Like most PPS my husband would have been quite content for me to go off for a break with the children, particularly if I could also spend time with a sibling. He wouldn't have felt left out because he's a grown up.

LFQuery · 03/06/2021 06:46

My DH would be whooping with delight if I took the kids away without him for a bit. Nice easy few days at home (when not working) with nobody to worry about but himself.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/06/2021 06:55

How come you pay 50% of the bills etc when he earns 3 times as much as you?

Kissthepastrychef · 03/06/2021 06:55

If he earns 3 times what you do but only pays half the bills where is the rest of his salary going ? If the answer ti that is "he keeps it" what business is it if his where your overtime goes ?

This snapshot doesn't sound very healthy OP

colouringcrayons · 03/06/2021 07:00

I wouldn't look a holiday without the other adult being involved so on that score, to me, yabu.

But if that is ok in your house, then he ibu for trying to stop you going just because he doesn't want to go.

thehistorymum · 03/06/2021 07:02

Go have a fabulous time with your sister and kids 💐

Pondfrog12 · 03/06/2021 07:16

@colouringcrayons

I wouldn't look a holiday without the other adult being involved so on that score, to me, yabu.

But if that is ok in your house, then he ibu for trying to stop you going just because he doesn't want to go.

I didn't book it without him being involved I booked it for all of us
OP posts: