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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to talk to HR?

35 replies

officedramanamechange · 02/06/2021 19:27

Hi all...

Bit of context, I work in a field where we work in teams of two.

I've been in a team for around six months with a male coworker. I'm going on maternity leave in a couple months.

He's been very high conflict, to the point I've been worried for my health - keeping me on the phone for over an hour if I do something he doesn't agree with and when I say I have to go saying "that's not an option" until I have to hang the phone up, talking and debating in circles for hours if I have a comment or criticism, and he's threatened to talk to our boss 3x to stop working together.

But when he says it from his side, he says he's being completely reasonable and I'm being illogical and ragey.

He's already talked to our boss once about me (boss said break up if you want or try and make it work).

Now he's threatening to do it for the third time. He texted me multiple times saying I needed to convince him not to, and called me multiple times, and when I didn't reply he said "it's done" and he's made another appointment to talk to our boss.

It's really awkward because we're on a lot of projects together - so we'll be working together even if we 'break up' - and I really wanted to hang on until maternity leave (and my boss advised me to do that). It would be really difficult to break up and divide everything for only two months.

But would it be unreasonable to talk to HR about his behaviour? At least the constant threatening to go to our boss? I don't know what to do because I don't want to break up the team, so will they think I'm just complaining?

OP posts:

Atalantea · 02/06/2021 19:32

boss said break up if you want or try and make it work

What? This is just a work relationship?

FangsForTheMemory · 02/06/2021 19:33

I would talk to HR. have you got a note of every time he's done this, and copies of all the texts? He's bullying you.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2021 19:34

I'm astounded you haven't complained about him already. He's blatantly harassing and bullying you. Why have you tolerated this from him? It's bloody outrageous.

PurplePansy05 · 02/06/2021 19:36

You do realise he's bullying you? Speak to HR asap, go prepared with as much detailed evidence as you can. Sorry you're going through this, especially now

AgnesNaismith · 02/06/2021 19:39

Fuck me. I hope you’ve kept those text messages and written down some of the things he’s said to you - and when. Go to HR you poor thing, he needs to have some serious training.

Original poster

officedramanamechange · 02/06/2021 19:41

@FangsForTheMemory @PurplePansy05 Most of it has been over the phone and it would be very hard to follow just from texts...there was one occasion months ago when he texted me up until 10pm at night with angry messages, and that's when he went to our boss the first time.

The thing is that he's the one who gets so angry about my behaviour (hence threatening to go to our boss all the time), so it's really confusing from my side.

OP posts:

PurplePansy05 · 02/06/2021 19:47

Make notes of what you can remember then, OP.

Gerwurtztraminer · 02/06/2021 19:55

Yes do speak to HR but before you do please have another proper discussion with your boss. Before you do that get a copy of your company's grievance procedure and any bullying & harassment policy of they have one of those. Make sure boss knows you have read them. Calmly set out to boss what the problems are (behaviour of colleague, dates and details where you have that) and your preferred solutions.

Then ask the boss for his help and advice on how to manage it. Make it clear it is a grievance and you expect some action to be taken. (Explain you want to get though to start of your mat leave in the best way possible and why a 'break up is not good for the business or you). Follow this up afterwards by email so you have an audit trail.

Your boss's response is not acceptable. He needs to step up and actually manage not just expect you to handle it by 'breaking up' (very odd language for the workplace - did he really use this term?).

Assuming he doesn't actually help in any substantial way then you are in a better position when you do speak to HR. A decent HR person will ask you what steps you have already taken and if it was me I'd certainly expect an employee to have gone to their own line manager first (even if you and I know the manager won't sort it out, it's the right protocol),

Also please remember HR are not miracle workers - we can support your complaint or formal grievance and coach & support managers on ways to handle staffing issues but we can't just jump in and fix everything. Just saying to manage expectations a bit....

Sorry you are having to go through this, especially leading up to mat leave. Happy to help more if it comes to that.

Original poster

officedramanamechange · 02/06/2021 20:14

Thanks @Gerwurtztraminer - the thing is I don't want to do anything official, grievance or complaint or anything - that's what's putting me in a difficult position. I don't want any more stress leading up to leaving, a potential he-said-she-said attack from the coworker...maybe I should ask for a meeting with my boss after coworker has his? And just detail what's been going on?

OP posts:

Brefugee · 02/06/2021 20:27

why didn't you go to the boss first and tell them (him?) that your partner is bullying you?

Original poster

officedramanamechange · 02/06/2021 20:30

@Brefugee because I didn't want to make waves and didn't want to work on my own and still don't even know what to say if I go to him

OP posts:

Leah2005 · 02/06/2021 20:35

I'd ask if you can attend the same meeting.

Brefugee · 02/06/2021 20:35

And the upshot of that is you have continued to be bullied and now this.
So the best thing is to write it all up, as pp suggested, and go to HR and raise a grievance.

I get that you don't or didn't want to rock the boat - but if you make decisions like that, you have to put up with the consequences. And frankly? you really shouldn'T have to put up with being bullied. Good luck!

Moonshine11 · 02/06/2021 20:43

I’d ask to join the meeting their having.

Original poster

officedramanamechange · 02/06/2021 20:46

Thanks @Leah2005 and @Moonshine11 - I have PTSD which causes anxiety especially related to interpersonal conflict so I wouldn't be able to think or speak if I joined that meeting. The only thing I think I could do is schedule a meeting after.

OP posts:

Moonshine11 · 02/06/2021 20:50

Yep do that!
Take all the evidence in, write your notes.
See how your manager handles it, but I would talking to HR aswell tbh

romdowa · 02/06/2021 21:00

@officedramanamechange

Thanks *@Leah2005 and @Moonshine11* - I have PTSD which causes anxiety especially related to interpersonal conflict so I wouldn't be able to think or speak if I joined that meeting. The only thing I think I could do is schedule a meeting after.

Could you have a representative speak on your behalf? Your co worker is treating you in the most appalling manner. There's no way he should be harassing you with angry texts half the night. I'd be blocking him totally from my personal phone and insist that all communication is done through work emails and these will only be checked during work hours.

newnortherner111 · 02/06/2021 21:01

I would go to HR, especially if they are aware or your boss is that you have PTSD. That makes this behaviour which sounds like bullying and/or covering for his incompetence even worse. Also ask yourself would he or does he behave towards male co-workers in this way.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/06/2021 21:35

If you won’t say anything then you just have to put up with it...do you actually want that? Isn’t that going to be more stressful than potentially sorting it out properly? Print off your texts. Write up your statement. Take it to your boss. If they don’t help-take it to HR. Don’t put up his bullying behaviour-it’s clearly not going to ever change-so its big girl pants on and sort it. You’re going to be a mother now so get your tiger roaring.

Gerwurtztraminer · 02/06/2021 21:40

the thing is I don't want to do anything official, grievance or complaint or anything - that's what's putting me in a difficult position

I really understand this as you are in a really horrible situation. And I am not trying to put yu off gping to HR at all, just suggesting ways ot will be more effective.

The thing is HR need something to go on in order to act. And your permission to do so. Don't be frightened by the word - a grievance can be handled informally, it doesn't need to be a big investigation etc, and you don't necessarily have to be in a room with this man for some resolution to be found. And you can talk to them about what is done and how - you should have some control in the whole process, especially with anxiety/PTSD.

You need to be clear - with yourself as much as boss & HR - about what will resolve this for you. What outcome are you seeking What does that look like in practice? Your boss and HR can help achieve that but only you know what you will be satisfied with as an outcome.

Just keep in mind, what will change if you do nothing? Do send me a private message if you need more help.

Merryoldgoat · 02/06/2021 21:44

the thing is I don't want to do anything official, grievance or complaint or anything - that's what's putting me in a difficult position

I really don’t understand this. You’re being bullied. You’re miserable. You’ve been worried for your health.

Go to HR and start a proper procedure. Your boss isn’t dealing with it and you aren’t able to.

You literally have no other option.

carlywurly · 02/06/2021 22:05

Yabu not to speak to hr. he needs dealing with. I love getting stuff like this sorted for people, it's highly satisfying.

Tell them honestly and openly what's going on. You shouldn't be tolerating it. Think of it as sparing someone else while you're on leave if nothing else.

He'll end up trying to shaft you for something so I would totally get in there first. He sounds utterly toxic.

Igmum · 02/06/2021 22:06

Please go to HR, go to your boss and go to your trade union (if you're not a member then join). This guy is a nutter. He would probably be like this with anyone else. If you don't want to start a grievance straight away then don't but please do report him. No one should have to put up with this at work

ineedanewnameplease · 02/06/2021 22:09

Can you go off sick early before mat leave instead?

carlywurly · 02/06/2021 22:19

Document as much as you can to take with you. Text records, notes of what he's said and when. If they don't see this for what it is and sort it, I'd be amazed.

He is harassing a pregnant employee and if not handled properly, you're in a position where you could reasonably resign and claim constructive dismissal. I'm sure it won't need to get to this point but don't spare the detail.

I really wish I could handle this for you!!

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