Advice for my daughter please

[Schoolissues1]

Not an AIBU, but I need to help my daughter so that she can foster healthy friendships and generally help her towards positive social interactions in general.

She is 14, and a short version of a long story, I left her dad 6 years ago due to controlling behaviour. He has never stepped up as a dad and due to his behaviours towards all of us including her siblings, she has definitely been affected mentally.

She's had some counselling, was under CAMHS for anxiety and has seen a nutritionist due to excessive weight gain.

I felt we had made progress over the years, and fortunately we have a good relationship on the whole, but after yet another falling out with a friendship group, her mood has plummeted. She has shown signs of mild depression, has been secretly eating and refuses point blank to do any form of physical activity. Her hygiene has also taken a nose dive - she simply has lost all interest in herself or anything.

After giving it a lot of thought, I've realised that she seems quite immature compared to her peers. In fact, I'd probably liken her to a 11 year old in terms of mental maturity.

Throughout primary and secondary school, she has struggled with friendships. On reflection, I've realised that she has always gotten on better with people younger than her. I think this could be a big factor in why she cant keep friends.

I feel sad for her and I take responsibility myself as I think where I have over compensated for her dad not stepping up, I have wrapped her in cotton wool and prehaps not allowed her to develop as she should. I've done it with all of my children to be honest, and although the others (both boys) have not struggled as much with friendships, they are definitely behind in their years emotionally too.

They all have zero resilience, rely on me sorting out their every whim, and although all of them are very polite, kind and well behaved, they definitely struggle socially and with any form of decision making.

My daughter is so overweight as she emotionally eats. I do take blame for allowing it to get to this stage, but no matter how much I try to organise fun family activities, walks, hobbies etc, she just wont do it. I talk about her good points, don't make losing weight appear like my focus, I've talked to her about how eating well and moving more will boost her mental health and confidence but it doesnt sink in.

Sorry for the long post. I'm just looking for some advice. Even any books I could read to help me reverse this shambles I've created.

Thank you

@BlankTimes
My point is that by OPs own admission she has babied her DC, has she to remain incapable even with a diagnosis?
As a mother she can equip her DD with more life skills, do we just sit back and allow their ‘label’ to hold them back and completely define them? I know I’ve only ever wanted the best for my DS and for him to have a fulfilled life.

To add, whether her immaturity is due to ASD or not, I pointed out the likely reason for her struggle with friendships, it’s not a criticism of neurodiverse ppl.

@GnomeDePlume

I would support the idea of trying to find a special interest group with her.

For my DS it was Army Cadets. For the first few months he was vaguely interested but wasnt keen but I made the deal with him that he tried it for 6 months. By the end of that time there was no question of dropping out and in fact he kept it up until he aged out.

I dont know about other youth groups but his detachment had zero tolerance of bullying. Lots of rules and discipline which really works. They are also very good at the hygiene thing. Uniform has to be clean and pressed, cadets have to be clean. Any backsliders are quickly sorted out but in a strangely non judgemental way.

My feel was that they really 'got' teenagers.

I really like this idea and I'm so pleased to hear it's worked out for your son. I think the problem I have is getting her to actually do anything! She lacks confidence at the moment and due to her weight, is not feeling motivated.

@Holly60

I don’t have much to add, but I just wanted to come on to say you sound like a lovely mum, and you are doing a good job

That's so kind of you. Thank you!

She sounds like me op. I have aspergers, diagnosed in my 30s.

My mum allowed me to emotionally eat because I wanted to eat and thought it made me feel better, but I was lonely and so I ate to fill the hole, but that just became another unhealthy pattern to cover up how I felt.

Can you afford a private assessment? It was about £800 when I had mine. The wait on the nhs was about 2 years then.

@Babyfg

Sorry for late reply. Tbh my cousin is now mid 30s and still acting the same (and his mum is still making excuses for him). As a family we're sure his depression stems from not achieving much and missing out on life because of it. It's sad really because it's such a waste of a life and potential (for his mum as well because she's always worrying about him and running her self ragged trying to make everything as easy as possible for him).

It would do no harm to get your daughter checked for any conditions you may suspect. But even if your daughter is autistic or had adhd or any other condition, giving appropriate responsibilities will still benefit her and help with her self worth and to be self motivated (and take some of the pressure off you).

I think this is my fear. I know I need to take action now as I'd hate for this to transition into adulthood. She definitely feels shes missing out. It's like a vicious circle as she needs to make changes to feel better, but she can't seem to get on board these changes because she doesn't feel good.

@HerMammy

Setting aside any autism, the girls of her age are likely to find her ‘annoying’ if she’s immature, 14 yr olds do not tend to be friends with 11 yr olds. Wrapping her up in cotton wool has held her back, I’m surprised that you don’t have your DC doing any chores or even cooking, all these things help them mature and lessens your workload. My DS has Aspergers and I treated him no differently from his sisters, he has always done his part (mostly more the the girls!) very self reliant. Encourage her independence, give her responsibilities.

I completely see that it's the immaturity that the girls find annoying. My post was aimed at advice in helping her so that she could level up and fit in with her peers.

I've already acknowledged I need to give her more responsibility. I'm totally at fault here and I realise I have a lot of work to do.

I do everything around the house and it's done none of us any good!

@KangarooSally

It didn't actually really even out for me until year 11 & 12. I went on exchange to France for a year at age 16 (I live in Australia) and that shook me up so much it kind of reset everything that was wrong with me socially. Until then my friends at school were a girl my age with mild cerebral palsy who was also very immature, a year 7 girl, and a year 12 girl (older but was kind of an outcast). I went to a new school when I came back and had no problems at all. Then had a complete blast living on campus at uni. More gentle counselling is probably a nicer way to do it, I was quite miserable most of that year in France lol

Ah that's such a great outcome even if you did have to do it the hard way! It gives me hope.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I think the weight gain and friendship issues are all symptoms of her anxiety, and are unlikely to improve unless that is tackled at the root.

When she was discharged from CAMHS did they give her strategies to use?

You can self refer to CAMHS online if you feel that she would benefit from more support. In our area she would not meet threshold from your description, but as she is already known to them, it is worth a try.

Are school able to offer any support - counselling, therapies, interventions to support friendships and reading social cues? I would definitely make an appointment to meet with the pastoral lead and/or SENCO.

I like the sound of minimising the snack food in the house, encouraging other interests outside school and promoting resilience and responsibility, but think all of this will only stand a chance of working if she is able to address her underlying anxiety and unhappiness.

Yes that makes sense. Thank you. I think a combination of getting to the core of the problem and giving her more responsibility will definitely help. Everything seems like such a long process! And I'm trying to implement what I can until we are eligible for professional help.

I didn't know you could self refer online. That's so good to know. CAMHs gave her strategies for her anxiety, but I think there is prehaps an underlying element that needs to be explored.

The school have been great, but are limited to what they can offer. I think there has been a spike in children's poor mental health post lockdown.

@ExtraOnions

So much of this I can relate to my DD 14.

We have seen CAMHS, and are currently going through the ASD assessment process.
We went to CAMHS with anxiety, it had got to the point where she wouldn’t go to school (still not going). She is also very young for her age, and I have to nag for hygiene.

We get on well though, and she’s good company … but she likes spending time on her own, which is fine. She has one close friend, and has really struggled with friendships.

I’m having to learn how to parent a child with ASD (high functioning has been mentioned… whatever that means).

School have been great, we are all on a learning curve .. including her…and we are getting there.

I was talking to a “professional”, who gave me some great advice about not focussing on Y10 or Y11, this is someone’s whole life we are talking about, there is time.

Sorry to hear you're going through this too. It's so hard isn't it. You sound like a loving parent and I'm sure you will find a way. It's so hard to know where to start as there are so many elements to piece together. It most definitely is a learning curve.

[quote HerMammy]@BlankTimes
My point is that by OPs own admission she has babied her DC, has she to remain incapable even with a diagnosis?
As a mother she can equip her DD with more life skills, do we just sit back and allow their ‘label’ to hold them back and completely define them? I know I’ve only ever wanted the best for my DS and for him to have a fulfilled life.[/quote]
I agree with what you say, but I have acknowledged that I have been at fault and have stated that I will be making changes and not "sitting back"

@BlankTimes

HerMammy you said "Setting aside any autism, the girls of her age are likely to find her ‘annoying’ if she’s immature, 14 yr olds do not tend to be friends with 11 yr olds."

Don't know if you've heard, but many neurodiverse kids very often present as having an emotional maturity age of around two thirds of their chronological age. It's just another trait to point towards neurodiversity.

OP, please arrange for a referral for assessment for your DD, her presentation will be very different to her brother, but you've described a lot of traits that suggest she could be neurodiverse.

'Label' isn't a nice term to use for a medical diagnosis carried out by a team of professionals, it minimises and trivialises neurodiversity, which isn't helpful for anyone.

Thank you. I will definitely be getting her assessed.

I think as awful as the term label is, it's just to illustrate that without pinning a name to the problem, it is hard to access the targeted support a child will need. Hence the term label.

All autistic people are different OP. It's certainly not a limitation on what you can achieve, depending on your particular presentation. It makes life harder for many of us in lots of ways, but also we have skills/ abilities/ insights that NT people do not. It's a mixed bag, like most of life. The main thing that makes it hard is that obviously because the majority of people at NT the human world is designed for their preferences and needs so does not suit many of us (rather than the issue being our differences themselves, it's often the unsuitable environment that is the problem).

FWIW I've been self-supporting since I was a teenager and now earn a six figure salary. But it certainly took its toll on me emotionally. I do believe that is mainly because I wasn't diagnosed until my early 30s (mid-30s now) and had a terrible family and no support at home or at school. You sound very caring and that will make all the difference for your daughter.

Mental health services are all but useless because a) autism isn't a mental health condition; b) lots of the people who work in these services are not actually properly qualified psychiatrists with medical/ neurological knowledge therefore misdiagnose autistic people with other conditions that they're more familiar with (but still not medically qualified to diagnose!); or c) when they realise that autistic people living in an allistic world frequently develop psychological problems as a direct result of that endless stress (like anxiety, depression etc) they will focus on dealing with the secondary symptom, not the underlying cause. Or, as in the cases of many friends of mine, NHS "therapists" will refuse to treat them because their cases are "too complex". Which they probably wouldn't have become, if support was provided properly when they needed it as children.

You are doing exactly the right thing seekimg diagnosis and proper support for her and do not let them fob you off. Make sure whoever you deal with at CAHMS has appropriate qualifications for treating autisic children as many do not.

HerMammy We can only speak as we find.

As the parent of a now adult DD, diagnosed with ASC and a host of co-morbids, I can assure you she was not mollycoddled at all, BUT she was noticeably emotionally immature throughout childhood into her teens and early adulthood.

Wanting the best for your children - which is something we all do - does not mean we can equip them with resilience and emotional maturity until such a time as they are ready. It's pointless until they reach a stage where they are ready in themselves to cope and make progress, then as parents we can scaffold and support them to be the best they can be.

Schoolissues1 it's possible that other people have accused you of mollycoddling your kids if you've parented them to their abilities rather than parented them as an NT parent would. It's a criticism often aimed at parents of neurodiverse children. All you can do is take a deep breath and start planning a way forward from now for all of you. You are very perceptive of your childrens' needs, I'm sure you'll do a great job