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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To push for an explanation from would-be nanny?

52 replies

Thistledew · 01/06/2021 21:29

I'm trying to employ a nanny. Found a candidate that seemed pretty much ideal. Started her on a 2 week trial period as although she had previous experience in a nursery and child minder's assistant she hadn't worked as a nanny. Also my DD, being a lockdown baby, is not very used to strangers.

Trial went well. I was very happy with her. She was beginning to bond with DD. She raised no issues at the end of the last trial day and we made some plans for half term activities.

Due to come back on Tuesday. Monday evening I got a text saying that she was sorry but the job wasn't working for her and she would not be coming back. No further reasons given.

I've messaged her saying I would like to understand what went wrong and asking if we could have a chat. She said that she would call me but never did. I don't want to harass her but would really like an explanation. This has caused me real problems with my planned return to work and I'm truly upset.

WIBU to push her for a reason? Obviously I've got to start again in my childcare search and if it is something that we have done wrong that makes her feel she doesn't want to work for us then I'd like to know before I go about hiring someone again.

OP posts:
Livingintheclouds · 01/06/2021 21:36

Just leave it. You don't know anything about her life. If you push it she will just block you or make something up.

Cabinfever10 · 01/06/2021 21:38

Sorry but yabu, I know that she's caused you some hassle but think of it as a lucky break as she is clearly unreliable and it's better to find out now rather than when she kept letting you down on short or no notice

senua · 01/06/2021 21:42

She sent a cowardly text instead of phoning. With zero notice (Mon eve/Tues morning). She said she would call but hasn't.
It's not you, it's her.
Chalk it up to experience.

WonkyCactus · 01/06/2021 21:42

YABU sorry. Either she's just flaky or something has changed that she doesn't want to go into. I doubt it was anything to do with you or your DD.

MistyMinge2 · 01/06/2021 21:45

She's perfectly within her rights to change her mind. I appreciate it's annoying for you, but I'd leave it.

Yesyoucantell · 01/06/2021 21:47

Please leave her alone

Singalongasong · 01/06/2021 21:48

No point pushing her for a reason. If it's anything you've done she is unlikely to tell you anyway, she'd more likely make up something more palatable. And her reasons don't mean a thing to your work. One day you'll look back and see it as a positive, because however hard it feels now, it would have been much more of a pain several weeks or months in. But for now, let it go, and concentrate on finding your next nanny.

Plumbear2 · 01/06/2021 21:49

She came to the end of the trial period and decided it wasn't for her, the trial works both ways. She dosent owe you an explanation.

Sally872 · 01/06/2021 21:51

That is annoying, I expect if it was anything you did then she would have said so during the trial or said no to the job at that point.

Maybe being a nanny isn't for her? Maybe a nursery job became available? Maybe something has happened in her life that means she can't take the job anymore.

Trust it isn't you, and start looking again. Be frustrated, disappointed even angry but no point wondering why. Good luck with new childcare.

Rewis · 01/06/2021 21:51

Leave it. Most likely it has nothing to do with you. My guess is that she got a better offer.

CartTriesToDriveTheHorse · 01/06/2021 21:52

It’s annoying but she is not obliged to work for you or provide a reason why.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2021 21:53

You really need to leave her alone. If you don't it's bordering on harassment. She doesn't owe you an explanation.

Octopuscake · 01/06/2021 21:55

She was still doing interviews etc during the trial period and got an offer with more money/closer to home/whatever. I have found everyone really flaky this year, if it's any consolation.

feimineach · 01/06/2021 21:58

Although the last minute timing was impolite of her, a trial period does cut both ways. She may well have continued applying for jobs in case you didn’t want her at the end of the trial, and then was offered one of those with better hours/pay.

Because it’s suddenly impossible post-Brexit to get au pairs, nannies seem in short supply, in my area at least. Several families have tried to tempt mine to switch to working for them, so I’ve put her money up!

KylieKoKo · 01/06/2021 21:58

Presumably you wanted a trial period so you had an easy out in case you didn't like her. Unfortunately this works both ways. If you had decided not to give her the job I'm sure you would not want her calling demanding reasons why. You need to let this go op.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 21:59

I can definitely see how it would be helpful for you to know why the new nanny decided not to stay. As you've said, that way if it's something you've done or something about the situation, you'd have the chance to change it next time.

However, you tried to get that info. and she didn't answer. I guess you could keep trying but I'd probably just drop it now. If she wanted you to change anything, she'd probably have asked you to instead of quitting.

So, I'd guess it's something about her and not you: a better job offer, decided to run off with her boyfriend, finds it boring to be alone with a small child or a zillion other things. And if pushed to answer when she was obviously trying to avoid it, I wouldn't necessarily believe her answer anyway.

I was going to say her leaving without notice was evidence that she is flaky anyway but since it was a trial period, fair enough for that to go both ways.

NoSquirrels · 01/06/2021 22:00

Just move on. Sounds like it was her, not you.

BreedingOinkers · 01/06/2021 22:03

She doesn’t owe you anything. The trial was for HER benefit as well as yours

custardbear · 01/06/2021 22:03

It won't achieve anything for you. Move on, call agencies or nurseries

hatcoatscarfalcohol · 01/06/2021 22:09

@Plumbear2

She came to the end of the trial period and decided it wasn't for her, the trial works both ways. She dosent owe you an explanation.
Next time I think you need to keep this in mind rather than assuming that as long as any potential nanny "passes" a trial from your perspective that you will "pass" their trial. Unless you're making wild demands it's most likely just a mismatch like happens with any potential employer/employee.

It sounds like having the weekend to reflect while out of the situation made her realise the role wasn't right for her. Maybe for the same reasons you wanted a trial in the first place, maybe personal reasons, who knows.

If she was having doubts on the last trial day it was probably quite difficult to hit pause in the whole situation to say "oh this isn't working for me" when you were happy. You know what people are like, they make plans and say nice things they don't mean because they don't know how to say no or get swept up.

Maybe at the time she did want to continue and it was only after she had the weekend that she realised being a nanny wasn't right for her. Maybe the responsibility of being the only carer wasn't right for her.

There could be any number of reasons, none of which will stop you finding, hiring and retaining a great nanny.

I get why you'd like to know in case you've done anything that will be a problem with future prospective nannies too, but you're really not entitled to an explanation or a phone call. She let you know, she was polite, she didn't owe you more than that.

Regularsizedrudy · 01/06/2021 22:11

Leave her alone. She doesn’t owe you anything.

Bags224 · 01/06/2021 22:11

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2kool4skool · 01/06/2021 22:15

Wow if this was the other way round and employer did this you’d all be up in arms about it.

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 22:18

I don't want to harass her but would really like an explanation. she doesn't owe you one and if you push for one that will be harassing her. It's the same as if you had a trial job in an office and just decided it didn't work for you. You don't have to tell them why. It might even be that she doesn't know why but it just didn't feel right to her.

This has caused me real problems with my planned return to work and I'm truly upset.
Doesn't mean she owes you anything. It's not her fault you didn't organise it earlier in case the trial didn't work out.

Plumbear2 · 01/06/2021 22:19

@2kool4skool

Wow if this was the other way round and employer did this you’d all be up in arms about it.
Not really. At the end of a trial you expect to be told if you are employed or not.
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