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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To push for an explanation from would-be nanny?

52 replies

Thistledew · 01/06/2021 21:29

I'm trying to employ a nanny. Found a candidate that seemed pretty much ideal. Started her on a 2 week trial period as although she had previous experience in a nursery and child minder's assistant she hadn't worked as a nanny. Also my DD, being a lockdown baby, is not very used to strangers.

Trial went well. I was very happy with her. She was beginning to bond with DD. She raised no issues at the end of the last trial day and we made some plans for half term activities.

Due to come back on Tuesday. Monday evening I got a text saying that she was sorry but the job wasn't working for her and she would not be coming back. No further reasons given.

I've messaged her saying I would like to understand what went wrong and asking if we could have a chat. She said that she would call me but never did. I don't want to harass her but would really like an explanation. This has caused me real problems with my planned return to work and I'm truly upset.

WIBU to push her for a reason? Obviously I've got to start again in my childcare search and if it is something that we have done wrong that makes her feel she doesn't want to work for us then I'd like to know before I go about hiring someone again.

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 01/06/2021 22:20

There are some ridiculous comments on here.

Clearly you have dodged a bullet but that is no consolation now you have to start again.

I used to work as an immediate temporary nanny and I am sure there are agencies that can help you find someone.

It sounds like you want to know why so you don't make the mistake with someone else but I am sure it isn't anything you have done. If a nanny was happy in the position and there was a niggle then they would say so.

MaggieFS · 01/06/2021 22:26

Going against the grain, but assuming she messaged you 24 hours ago and replied to say she would call, I don't see any harm in you giving her a ring if she hasn't called you by Friday. YABU to have expected a call today because you have absolutely no idea what she has going on, but trying once and once only I would think is ok. It needs to be framed as wanting to know what put her off so you can work differently on your next search. And if she ignores you, leave it.

Perhaps she just decided nannying wasn't for her.

underneaththeash · 01/06/2021 22:30

How odd. Just a thought - presumably you paid her after the trial, ‘my wondering whether she got confused over her gross and nett pay and decided it wasn’t worth her while financially?

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 01/06/2021 22:31

Just let it go, some people are odd.
I had a nanny arrange to come by for an interview, confirmed by text on the day ... she never turned up and stopped answering messages. I can’t imagine why people act like this but at least you didn’t end up hiring her.

Birminghambloke · 01/06/2021 22:31

If issues with your return to work now, maybe you should gave sorted this earlier? A trial period ending as required is not wise. What if you’d not liked her?

As PP have said, a trial period works both ways. She had no certainty of a permanent role, so was likely still applying elsewhere.

She clearly does not wish to go into it. She owes you nothing.

jclm · 01/06/2021 22:38

Unfortunately this comes with the territory. Anyone is free to leave a job when they please and there was no notice period with this role. Good luck with the next nanny xx

MMMarmite · 01/06/2021 22:43

Bad luck I'm afraid. I'd leave her in peace. If she wanted to explain, she would have.

It's not really fair to blame her for your childcare issues, a trial period works both ways, you can't expect her to commit to you when you haven't committed to her.

gavisconismyfriend · 01/06/2021 23:04

She's probably been offered something that she views as better at the last minute

katy1213 · 01/06/2021 23:11

If you had decided it wasn't working, would you have given reasons? She's probably young and maybe finds it difficult speaking up. Maybe she's had a better offer. Maybe she didn't take to you or your child - would it help if she said that to your face? Whatever the reason, she has made her choice - and no nanny will ever be as invested in you as you are in her.

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 01/06/2021 23:20

OP, I get it's difficult, I'd probably be desperately disappointed but I'd leave it if I were you. The way you describe it I doubt it was anything to do with you or what you did and didn't do. Maybe she got another offer, something more convenient to her, or decided it's not for her and doesn't want to talk about it for whatever reason. Just write it off and try not to let it leave a bad taste in your mouth. She really doesn't owe you any more explanation than she already gave you. Hope you'll find someone suitable soon

OverTheRubicon · 01/06/2021 23:39

@KylieKoKo

Presumably you wanted a trial period so you had an easy out in case you didn't like her. Unfortunately this works both ways. If you had decided not to give her the job I'm sure you would not want her calling demanding reasons why. You need to let this go op.

Agree she shouldn't follow up but don't know why people are being so harsh. I would always give reasons if not giving someone a job and they asked, to help them find a better fit next time.

In my experience some nanny candidates are really focussed on finding roles near home or on certain days but will still apply for a wide range of jobs, it's a bit like dating. Now I'm much tougher on checking what other jobs they're applying for, why, what they've liked about past jobs etc, because it's a waste of their time and mine if we don't truly fit.

pinkrainbow100 · 02/06/2021 07:54

@Aquamarine1029

You really need to leave her alone. If you don't it's bordering on harassment. She doesn't owe you an explanation.

How ? She's texted her once! What is wrong wig you ? Do you just want to make the OP feel even worse ? How is texting someone once, bordering harassment.

pinkrainbow100 · 02/06/2021 07:55

OP, don't worry, you dodged a bullet. If it's YOU, it will become clear in time. Ignore all the mean bullying posts on here. People love to give a hard time to people with nannies:

pinkrainbow100 · 02/06/2021 07:59

@2kool4skool

Wow if this was the other way round and employer did this you’d all be up in arms about it.

Yup ! And get called all the names under the sun !

ZenNudist · 02/06/2021 08:00

I'd let it go. Who wants a reluctant nanny who might flake once you're back at work. If it causing problems with your return to work you left it too late to start settling her in but nothing you can do about that now.

4fingerKitKat · 02/06/2021 08:21

I’d leave it as I think that if it was something you did “wrong”, she’d be unlikely to be honest, so there’s probably little to gain.

Chances are she probably decided she didn’t like nannying - it’s quite a different experience to working in a different childcare setting as you’re working solo most of the day so don’t have other adult company, conscious you’re in someone else’s house, following their ‘rules’.

The only thing you can do is reflect on things you could possibly change.

Is your house messy/chaotic? Or on the flip-side is it incredibly pristine? How baby-proof is it?

We’re you very directive or prescriptive in how she should work? Overbearing? Were you around or out of the house when the nanny was there? If you were there were you ‘hovering’ a lot or checking up on her?

Holly60 · 02/06/2021 08:24

I think you have to try not to take it personally. There are so many reasons she could have pulled out. Perhaps email her very non-confrontationally and say that it would be really helpful to you if she would let you know if it was personal reasons or something to do with your specific set up that put her off. All you really care about is if it was something you did so ask her that. Of course she could well lie anyway so you may never know I’m afraid

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 02/06/2021 08:36

Its highly likely that she just got offered something else better paid/ shorter hours for the same money/ more convenient for her. As others say a trail is two ways.

We have unqualified people in to trail as helpers at work sometimes (a residential setting, not a private home) and they more often than not do a full day then ring or message to say they're not coming back... Its a really nice place to work actually, but people can't be arsed with the hours mostly - nearly everyone actually wants 9-5, Monday to Friday, and cba with 6am starts or 10pm finishes or weekends or nights... Qualified people know the deal and if they bother to do the trail are usually serious about wanting the job as it actually is.

I think your mistake, if you made one, was expecting someone who's never nannied to take the job after finding out what it actually is . A nanny has to start early to allow employer time to get to work, often finish late as they can't have leave until the employer is home, often has to ve flexible with hours at short notice, and works mostly alone. Someone who has only ever worked in a setting, probably with set hours and never alone, might need the trail to understand that they actually don't want to be a nanny!

InTheDrunkTank · 02/06/2021 09:03

I totally get why you'd want an explanation OP. Finding a nanny is just difficult and stressful. If it's any consolation I doubt you did anything wrong. My friend uses nannies and will often have people who start for a month seem to be going well then change their mind. She's never been a nanny before and probably just realised she didn't like that particular job (maybe missed having work colleagues).

Coronawireless · 02/06/2021 09:15

Well since you’ve got some posters here dramatically saying “Please leave her alone!” after one text I guess that gives you an insight into the way these flakes think.
In this case it does sound as if she got a better offer or simply changed her mind and not much to do with you. Would have been nice if she’d let you know but if she is flaky it’s best you know early.

lastqueenofscotland · 02/06/2021 09:33

There are huge numbers of people arranging childcare as they are returning to offices. She probably just got a better offer.
She’s not been with you for two years, she had a two week trial, she doesn’t owe you an explanation. Even if she had been with you for years she wouldn’t owe you a justification of her handing in her notice!

Diamondnights · 02/06/2021 09:40

She's a complete flake and you've dodged a bullet there. There is no point in trying to get more info, as pp said, she'll block you or make something up. I hope you find someone more professional next time.

Zari29 · 02/06/2021 09:43

I can understand you want a reason as you don't want to be in the same situation with the next person? I think you dodged a bullet here. She was very cowardly to send a text and not even give you a reason. At least a call would be decent.

Plumbear2 · 02/06/2021 09:45

@Coronawireless

Well since you’ve got some posters here dramatically saying “Please leave her alone!” after one text I guess that gives you an insight into the way these flakes think. In this case it does sound as if she got a better offer or simply changed her mind and not much to do with you. Would have been nice if she’d let you know but if she is flaky it’s best you know early.

She's not being flaky. It came to the end of her trial period and she decided the job wasn't for her. She did let OP know.

pilates · 02/06/2021 09:54

I wouldn’t pursue it, for whatever reason the job was not suitable for her. It works both ways.

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