To find celebrating my own birthday unnecessary?

[toadstool32]

For context: I love celebrating other people's birthdays. For dh, my kids and my parents I go to town! I dress the house the night before with helium balloons, banners, lay the table with birthday bits/ party hats etc, sort a cake, think hard and carefully about everyone's presents and I love all of it.

My own birthday? Nope. It gives me anxiety.

I hate the idea of other people wasting money on me. I find it embarrassing having attention on me even just my close family. I have a few friends but wouldn't dream of asking them out to anything at their expense. Plus, 33 is such a non-event.

Every year the couple of weeks before my birthday makes me so stressed. I know my parents and dh will be waiting to ask "what would you like?" "What shall we do?" and every year it gets argumentative because I say, kindly, I don't want to mark it, it's just a day, I don't need anything thank you. They then say I'm being difficult. I'm not!

I didn't have a knees-up 30th, didn't have a hen do but I'm the first one to offer to organise other people's events.

Aibu to just not want any attention?

YANBU. I'm 40 this year, I have no objections to being 40, but the thought of a big rigmarole around it - no ta. I'd like to skip over it completely. But then I have low level bad luck with birthdays so they're pretty much always disappointing even if I do try to do something :)

Sorry but it’s selfish for you to enjoy making a fuss about your family’s birthdays but not let even your closest family do the same for you.
I’m not talking a big party or anything but just nice things your family would enjoy doing for you like you do for them. Don’t deny them the pleasure and get all grumpy with them because they’d like to shoe you their love.

I know my parents and dh will be waiting to ask "what would you like?" "What shall we do?"

It isn't selfish to decline to do everyone else's thinking for them. If they want to show love they should use their imagination and initiative.

I don't need them to show me anything! I know they love me. I just wish they'd accept I don't do my birthday and I'd gladly ignore the day entirely. That would be the biggest show - that they'd respect what I want - nothing!

How is it selfish for the op to want to celebrate her own birthday by not celebrating it?

Presumably she enjoys making a fuss of her family because she knows that they like the fuss and would have stopped if they had asked her to. She puts a lot of effort into celebrating their birthdays because that's what they enjoy. So they should return the compliment by allowing her to have the quiet day that she wants.

The problem is that you're making a big fuss of their birthdays and they feel the need to reciprocate.

Either stop making such a fuss of them or think of something nice they can do for you in return. Meal in a posh restaurant? Seg way day? Anything you like

@museumum

Sorry but it’s selfish for you to enjoy making a fuss about your family’s birthdays but not let even your closest family do the same for you. I’m not talking a big party or anything but just nice things your family would enjoy doing for you like you do for them. Don’t deny them the pleasure and get all grumpy with them because they’d like to shoe you their love.

I agree with this. It's not like the family are being ridiculously OTT. They just wavy to mark it & show you they care.

I would love for more effort on my birthday. It's not anyone's fault. I do have a great family, but most don't live close. I'm a single parent with 3 DC who do their best to mark it, and it's lovely. But I don't have friends / family in a position to mark it, do something, celebrate it with me. I manage fine being single 99% of the time but on my birthday I feel so lonely.

So I guess this is influencing my reply (and today's my birthday so a little bit self-pitying here too 😂)

This is absolutely me with bells on. I hate being the centre of attention. I do exactly the same for my DC birthdays, balloons and banners the works. I got married last year and I have never felt as nervous in my whole life as I did on my hen night as it was just about me. Ended up stupid drunk and asleep by 9pm. I’d much rather celebrate someone else’s big day than my own (happy to accept gifts though).

So you get the pleasure of doing things for others birthdays but they cant do it for you?

Well why not ask for what you want to do?

‘Actually, I would really like to just chill at home with a book and have a nap’

‘I would like a day of no chores’

‘I would love everyone to come over for a takeaway’.

I hate my birthday and don’t give a shit about other peoples birthdays (but always make an effort to show willing). I completely get you on the anxiety etc. My last birthday in December I got a massive migraine and had to have the day off work - a nightmare! I couldn’t stand the thought of them thinking I was phoning in sick as was celebrating or hungover or something. Couldn’t be further from the truth 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think it’s worth trying to celebrate and seeing if you like it?!

Give it a go. Surprise everyone but telling them what you want snd a restaurant etc. It’s nice for the people who love you to celebrate you, and you might find you enjoy it -

I feel the same

Almost 40 and have just booked a load of treats for myself.

I can't bear my sister so a family party would be like a penance not a party.

Most of my friends have busy lives all over the country and abroad with young children, I'm childless and not by choice, an inclusive celebration wouldn't feel like it was for ME and might make me sad.

So I'm doing things I want to do

I'm with you OP. I just turned 50 and there's nothing I want so I'm relieved DH and the kids didn't get me anything. MIL put £100 in our joint account that went on a food shop. Happy with that

These days I celebrate my birthday alone, usually (with the exception of last year) far away on holiday. Sometimes I buy myself a present and, funnily enough, my 60th present turned up today, only 2 years and 2 months after the actual event.
I have had lovely birthdays in the past, my 38th was terrific, as was my 40th and my 50th wasn't bad either.

I find it weird that you go so over the top with your loved one's birthdays (dressing the house with decorations etc.) and then have such resistance to letting them reciprocate

I think it's unfair to your kids tbh, wanting them to ignore it. It's a kind of reverse attention seeking.

'reverse attention seeking' makes no sense. I suppose I mean attention seeking by stealth. I just don't understand how someone could have anxiety over blowing out candles on a cake with their DH and kids. Maybe on some level you enjoy the annual ritual of not letting your loved ones celebrate you.

Don’t deny them the pleasure and get all grumpy with them because they’d like to shoe you their love

What if it drives a wedge between them though?

YWNBU to just ignore your birthday and let it pass quietly if you aren't bothered by birthdays.

However

YABU to not let people that you spoil on their birthdays, spoil you when it is your birthday.

You are going OTT with theirs and they don't want you left out. They want to show their love for you and yes YABU to not let them do it.
It's not like they are saying you have to have a wild party - they are asking you what you would like to do.

To be honest, I’m not keen on birthdays full stop. I feel pressured to provide a perfect day for the birthday person when I’d just like to present them with a present and then later sing happy birthday and eat cake. But that doesn’t seem good enough these days. And yes, I would be quite happy not to mark my own birthday in any way.

I'm the same, I don't give a shit about birthdays although always happy to eat cake. Annoys me when other people make such a fuss!

YABU to use helium balloons they are awful for the environment.

Sorry I know that wasn't the question but the thought of all those balloons for every birthday made me cross.

I'm the same. We have a cake for the DC and act merry for 20 minutes.

I buy presents, balloons cake etc because I know they like it. That's the key thing. I don't. Surely everyone is entitled to celebrate or not celebrate as they see fit depending on personal preference. I respect their choices and so I don't think it's a lot to ask for them to respect mine.

@BackforGood yes and my answer is nothing! That would be a nice way to show their love by acknowledging my preference for nothing!