To find celebrating my own birthday unnecessary?

[toadstool32]

For context: I love celebrating other people's birthdays. For dh, my kids and my parents I go to town! I dress the house the night before with helium balloons, banners, lay the table with birthday bits/ party hats etc, sort a cake, think hard and carefully about everyone's presents and I love all of it.

My own birthday? Nope. It gives me anxiety.

I hate the idea of other people wasting money on me. I find it embarrassing having attention on me even just my close family. I have a few friends but wouldn't dream of asking them out to anything at their expense. Plus, 33 is such a non-event.

Every year the couple of weeks before my birthday makes me so stressed. I know my parents and dh will be waiting to ask "what would you like?" "What shall we do?" and every year it gets argumentative because I say, kindly, I don't want to mark it, it's just a day, I don't need anything thank you. They then say I'm being difficult. I'm not!

I didn't have a knees-up 30th, didn't have a hen do but I'm the first one to offer to organise other people's events.

Aibu to just not want any attention?

That would be a nice way to show their love by acknowledging my preference for nothing!

I still think that sounds uncaring to those who love you.

What's so wrong with small gestures to mark your birthday? If it was extravagant & over-the-top I'd get it.

But in families that love each other, acknowledging in small ways that it's your birthday is part of recognising that love. I think there is something controlling by objecting to such simple gestures.

Why do you dislike it so much?

Same here. I make a huge deal of my DC’s birthdays in particular but I’m not arsed for my birthday at all. DH got upset with me this year because I really didn’t want to Mark the day at all, I prewarned him about it in advance but he still wanted to make a deal of it. It was during lockdown so we couldn’t actually do anything and I just couldn’t be arsed.

@EarringsandLipstick I don't need it marked. It's just a run of the mill Thursday. If the kids make a card, cool but I've told dh very clearly to not waste money.

OP - I feel exactly the same as you!

I don't need it marked.

But you mark other people's? I know you say you don't want it marked, but even though yes, it's your birthday, it's more than that.

I fully agree you shouldn't be forced into anything extravagant or OTT.

But it's not just your birthday. It's your kids' mum's birthday, your DH's wife's birthday, your parent's child's birthday etc. Not allowing them to mark it, not extravagantly but in small ways, is quite unfair.

You are stopping people who love you expressing that in symbols we as a society tend to use - cake, meeting up, having a drink or whatever.

I find my birthday difficult. It reminds me how alone I am. But my kids (who are still young) want to mark it, so we do & I appreciate that it's love from them. And it matters that I allow them show it.

I know it's your birthday. But it's not all about you!

The fact that you enjoy doing this for other people makes it harder for people to accept that you don't want it for yourself.
A simple plan would be easier for others than repeating "nothing" as they clearly want to do something - a basic dinner, ask for a new book or something. Less stress to just give an answer.
I think children should grow up doing nice things for other people though and they won't get the experience of that with their own mum.

If you love helping organise other people's birthdays why don't you make your birthday about family. Think of it as an excuse to get everyone together for a BBQ or private room in a restaurant. Say all you want is company and that their present is them spending time and money getting to the venue and sharing the cost of the bill at the end. You could also set up a charity page on FB and say you would feel really appreciated if people helped you reach your target for a given charity. My very selfless cousin does this and it makes me happy to help her reach her target.

I'm 50 later this year and don't want to do anything in particular. Friends keep saying 'oh you must...'

DH is the same so we did nothing for his except have a family day out (which we'd have done anyway). He's cut off a couple of suggestions for mine already.

And now there's Covid to contend with for group meetups and going out. My best birthday would be to stay at home and not have to deal with any of that for a day.

Thanks all. Kids have school then clubs after, I'll have been at work all day. I'll ask for an hour alone to have a bath in piece which would be one hell of a gift.

I’m with you. I can’t bring myself to get terribly excited about getting older. Birthday celebrations are for children, in my book and I get slightly irritated at people who sulk or get ridiculously petulant if their birthday isn’t greeted with trumpets and fireworks.

That said, it’s getting worse. As the children get older (and we do), they seem to want to make more fuss.

YANBU at all! I almost totally ignore my birthday nowadays. I just don't see it as significant. I also don't like being the centre of attention. Funnily enough, it's my birthday next week, and I'll just carry on as normal. Or at the most celebrate being alive by going for nice coastal walk alone, followed by a big bubbly bath! Most people don't even know when my birthday is.
To be honest, I find it a bit weird when adults make a giant fuss of their own birthday. I don't disapprove, or judge or anything; and I accept we're all different. It's just not something I relate to.
Enjoy your day/non day whichever way you want when it comes

@EarringsandLipstick I hope you enjoy your day yesterday. Happy birthday a couple of hours later. 🎉🍰🎈

I’m with you OP, marking another year on the clock does nothing for me. I actually get quite depressed on my birthday and just want to be home alone. So that’s what I do - it passes and life goes back to normal.

I get so pissed off with ‘but you MUST celebrate!’ Nope. No I don’t. Leave me alone!

Seems like an affectation to me.

Enjoy your day of getting loads of attention by pretending you hate attention.

@Serpenta

Seems like an affectation to me.

Enjoy your day of getting loads of attention by pretending you hate attention.

Given that I don’t tell anyone at work and live alone, there’s no one giving me any attention. Hardly an ‘affectation’.

My comment was for the OP

Well aren't you delightful @Serpenta

I’m the same as you @toadstool32 and so is my mum. My DH LOVES birthdays (and any occasion) and is all about the big party, gifts etc. so I make the effort for him. For my birthday I appreciate a card from my kids/family. I’m really not fussed about receiving gifts but we'll usually go for a meal, because that appeases DH and I enjoy it. I had a milestone birthday during lockdown and was secretly quite pleased I didn’t need to either have a party I didn’t really want, or to explain why I wasn’t doing anything.

@toadstool32

Well aren't you delightful *@Serpenta*

Just my take.

Birthdays aren't for everyone. I used to feel similar (to a point) until a really elderly lady said to me 'why not celebrate every year, there are so many who haven't made it to your age. Its a celebration of life and it's only one day, do it your way'.

It didn't make me tapdance on the rooftop under a banner announcing my birthday but it did make me think a little differently.

Why not ask family/friends to donate to your favourite charity? Let them know you're not up for a big hoo-har but perhaps a little lunch? I'm all about the experience rather than an actual item.

I love doing things for others too and I did feel stopping other people from doing something little for me was taking away a bit of their enjoyment too. Other people like to have the warm fuzzies from giving also, even if it's very low key.

DH and I are the same. He turns 40 in a few weeks and is so grateful that he has the excuse of covid restrictions to not do anything big.

[quote EmeraldShamrock]@EarringsandLipstick I hope you enjoy your day yesterday. Happy birthday a couple of hours later. 🎉🍰🎈[/quote]
Ah thank you 🥰 that's really kind of you!

@toadstool32

Thanks all. Kids have school then clubs after, I'll have been at work all day. I'll ask for an hour alone to have a bath in piece which would be one hell of a gift.

I totally get this - definitely a treat!

YANBU and I feel exactly the same. I cannot stand my birthday in any way. I will be 42 soon and have finally managed to make PIL and SIL accept this so for the first time in longer than I can remember I don't feel anxious in the run up.

I have hated it being marked in any way since I was about 12 and it only got worse. In my 20s I managed to keep it a secret from new friends so fewer and fewer people knew the date. My parents accepted it long ago, so it was only PIL and SIL that last year I had to finally beg to respect my wishes and ignore it. What I had thought was being clear up till then hadn't cut the mustard.

I refuse to accept it is in any way selfish. I am more than happy to do whatever anyone wants on their birthday. I am merely asking for the same courtesy. But many people will tell you that their desire to spend money on you is more important than your own feelings about your own birthday. And this somehow makes you the selfish one. Which is bollocks really.

It is your birthday. You don't want to celebrate it. Your choice, it should be respected. You have made it very clear you will respect other choices others make and join in if they wish.