AIBU to not clean (on all of my) days off?

[unruly336]

Hello everyone,

Had a small argument with DP this morning about how the cleaning should be divided. Our flat was a mess from over the weekend and he said I should clean all of it because I have a day off today and he has to go to work. I agreed because I don’t want to spend all day in a messy flat, but the disagreement started once I said this shouldn’t become the usual and that despite me getting more days off a week I work the same hours as him so cleaning should be 50/50. His argument back was that on the weekends I am working he will do the cleaning which will make up for it, however I only work 1/4 weekends so there still is a disparity. We agreed to further discuss this tonight as the argument was going no where.

For further context we have only just moved in together, I have just started a job as a nurse on a busy ward (3x12.5 hour shifts a week) and he works in a graduate job Mon-Fri 9-5 with the option to work from home. During the week DP will only wash dishes/hoover whilst there are many more jobs to do. This is causing me to feel resentful because while I understand I have more days off I am absolutely exhausted on these days and I think he should do more in the evenings.

AIBU - I have more days off, I should clean more
AINBU - 50/50

I do most of the cleaning because I work less and it bothers me more if the house is messy. DH does his share of cooking or washing up, does all the gardening (grass and hedge cutting etc I do the fun stuff and the veg patch) and all the DIY so I think it evens up. I am going back FT in the Autumn and we are getting a cleaner!

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's trying to set you up as his house elf. Don't cave now or you'll end up doing it forever.

Also, look out for the pained, "if you'd just asked me to do the washing/ironing/cooking/shopping/dusting I'd have done it". All said in a wounded voice like you are a big meanie for expecting him to spot these things. Because before you know it, he's proudly telling your mutual friends that you are "our home CEO" while metaphorically patting you on the head and everyone is chuckling at how cute it is but you're inwardly seething because you've slipped into the habit of being responsible for everything with a corresponding obligation to feel grateful if he loads the dishwasher after you've only asked him twice.

YANBU,you have demanding job and are on your feet for majority of the week.
50/50 is more than fair and days off are for you to do whatever you want.

I can't see how cleaning a flat occupied solely by 2 adults would take more than an hour so this feels like a non-issue.
I'd suggest getting into some routines e.g. making sure the kitchen is cleaned/tidied after meals which will take 5 minutes if you do it all the time. Agree whether this is the cooking or non-cooking person. And allocate a time once a week when you are both at home to do the lion's share of the cleaning.

He asked you to move in because presumably he wanted a loving, respectful relationship not a housekeeper.
Tell him you'll do it together tonight or at the weekend.

YANBU. You work the same amount of hours per week, days off don't matter. Take it from me, whatever you set in motion now will become your routine permanently, if you do extra then he will be happy to let you do it. Stand your ground.

It should be 50/50 presuming financial costs are split the same. If one is paying more than the other should pick up more house chores.

No no no. Absolutely NOT this. If someone earns more, but works the same number of hours that DOES NOT MEAN that the less well paid person has to do put in extra hours to compensate. If you are a partnership and you're both paying according to your means, then the split of chores has nothing to do with finances and should ONLY be based on working patterns / free time.

Absolutely agree with the second poster here! Definitely not split according to pay, only hours.

OP yanbu and he is being a chancer! Especially if he contributed equally to the mess!

I'd draw up your schedules side by side for a month. Block out when you're in work and Inc commute. Block out your usual sleep pattern. Block out any hobbies / regular commitments. Even up that free time. See what time is left.

If you're working 12 hours I'd expect him to have at least got dinner on. If you're off, I'd expect you to get dinner on. If you're both off, even it out across the month.

Washing up similarly, if you're shift pattern is irregular put in 15 washing ups for you and then he does the other days.

Do your own washing / drying or come to an agreement that you put a load on one day, he does it two days later and on and on.

You clean up after yourself in the kitchen and bathroom and that should reduce the workload. Work out how often it needs to be done along with cleaning floors, loo, fridge etc and split it.

There's no reason he can't do housework because he works a typical office shift but you can because your doing 12 instead of 8 hours a day

Who did the cooking and cleaning before you moved in?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Not sure why it can be so messy with two adults who both work. Even with children it takes less than an hour to keep a house clean each bar cooking.

It should be 50/50 presuming financial costs are split the same. If one is paying more than the other should pick up more house chores.

As an aside, if you are only working three days and are exhausted it may be worth getting checked out.

🤣🤣 yeah, no. If you're splitting bills because I've earns more, the other person doesn't have to make it up. How does that work? For every £50 difference you're obliged to do 3 hours extra? Presumably if you're a SAHP supported financially by your partner the working partner never has to do so much as flush the loo after them.

And she said exhausted after 12.5 hours working as s nurse when she's also coming home and cooking dinner and cleaning. Not sure exhausted all the time

Cooking - is he prepping food for when you come in after a shift? So for example, would you come home to dinner ready? Because I think its fair enough if he cooks on workdays you're working (sound like 3) you cook on weekdays he's working and one weekend day (3) and you maybe go out/get a takeaway the other night.

Just don't do each other's laundry.

And accept you may have to compromise on standards a bit. I see massive red flags about him expecting you to do work, but equally, I would have run a hoover around my flat about once every two weeks when it was just me and DH, two adults are not v messy, so if. you're one of those mumsnet "I must hoover the house three times a day" people then you might need to accept he doesn't have to meet your standards.

But if he just ignores things because he expects you to do more, you need to nip it in the bud NOW. I cannot stress this enough. You give a little at this point, then you have a child and your'e suddenly getting no more help and stuck.

You work the same hours, you split the chores equally. End of.

Out of interest, how much of the chores does he get done in the evenings while you're at work? Or is he 'busy' watching TV?

Of course it should be split 50/50 if you work the same hours, he has the same amount of time off as you do, why can't he do a bit after work when he gets home? He clearly just has the misogynistic attitude that you're the woman so should pick up the slack. What does he do when he finishes work everyday? Presumably he views that time as his "downtime" why does he think he should get more of that than you? Start as you mean to go on OP because it will only get worse otherwise

50/50, however I’m not really sure how much cleaning there is to do really. People obsess over it. We both do a ‘surface’ clean as we’re going throughout the week and once in a while we’ll take an hour and do a bigger blitz.

I couldn’t think of anything more dreadful than spending my days off cleaning repeatedly, get some rest!

@unruly336

It was only really messy today because the weekend was absolutely hectic as there was a family party, people staying over and going out with friend’s, it isn’t the usual. Only took just over an hour to sort.

The usual chores is just cleaning down bathrooms, ironing and laundry, cleaning surfaces and tidying which is falling on me because DP believes I should do this on my days off.

Don't marry him!

He's a dick and needs to do some chores after work.

Why did you not sort all of this out before you moved in together? I second what honeygirlz said 'don't marry him' and would add don't have babies with him or you will end up doing EVERYTHING.

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's trying to set you up as his house elf. Don't cave now or you'll end up doing it forever.

THIS.

Nip things in the bud now and save yourself a world of pain later, esp if children come along. I was too lenient in the early days when we moved in together back in the '90s and now this is the main thing DH and I argue about. It's almost impossible to house train a man later in life, I can tell you!

Ask him to write down a 50/50 split of the chores. Then you pick one of the splits and he gets the other.

The secret is to both clean as you go so there is never a mess that requires anyone to spend the whole day cleaning.

What doe he do in the evening if he finishes work at 5?

Guess he has time enough to create 50% of the mess?

@BullOx

Ask him to write down a 50/50 split of the chores. Then you pick one of the splits and he gets the other.

This! Also known as the sibling 'one cuts the cake, the other chooses their slice' strategy. Brilliant.