AIBU to not clean (on all of my) days off?

[unruly336]

Hello everyone,

Had a small argument with DP this morning about how the cleaning should be divided. Our flat was a mess from over the weekend and he said I should clean all of it because I have a day off today and he has to go to work. I agreed because I don’t want to spend all day in a messy flat, but the disagreement started once I said this shouldn’t become the usual and that despite me getting more days off a week I work the same hours as him so cleaning should be 50/50. His argument back was that on the weekends I am working he will do the cleaning which will make up for it, however I only work 1/4 weekends so there still is a disparity. We agreed to further discuss this tonight as the argument was going no where.

For further context we have only just moved in together, I have just started a job as a nurse on a busy ward (3x12.5 hour shifts a week) and he works in a graduate job Mon-Fri 9-5 with the option to work from home. During the week DP will only wash dishes/hoover whilst there are many more jobs to do. This is causing me to feel resentful because while I understand I have more days off I am absolutely exhausted on these days and I think he should do more in the evenings.

AIBU - I have more days off, I should clean more
AINBU - 50/50

If you have more days off you could clean more. You obviously do not want to and that's fine.

I work your same schedule as an RN and I do more chores than hubby who wfh five days a week but I don't resent it because he will help a lot in other ways with our son-now if he told me I should do more on my days off that would earn him an argument!

Similarly he has more time off during the week so he could clean more. He obviously does not want to.

That’s not fine.

Workload should be shared 50/50 if you work equal hours. The number of days you work is irrelevant.

YANBU, he needs to do 50%.

What are the chores, who cooks, who washes p, who does laundry etc?

Do it by hours worked not days. That makes it pretty similar for you both. So agree how many hours you will each spend cleaning the flat in a week, and then it's up to each of you when you actually do the cleaning.

Cleaning is done day to day and doesn't require an entire day off. After working 9-5 I'm sure he has the energy to do a little cleaning each evening rather than letting things build up until it's your day off. You work the same hours, you have the same free time, you do the same amount of cleaning.

If you’re both doing the same amount Of hours then next time he mentions the issue I would say “so, just to clarify are you saying that I should do housework while you are at work, because I am home at that time?”

When he says yes, tell him that it follows, then, that he should be doing housework in the evenings when YOU are at work.

I would not stand for that, honestly, OP. I work 35 hrs per week and bresent the fact I’m stuck doing most of the housework just cos DH’s job involves longer hours and working extra on his work laptop in the evening. Part of me wonders if he IS actually working on his laptop in the evening while I am loading the dishwasher or going food shopping etc. Only messing, he’s a good ‘un, his job is full on and I know that’s the only fair way for us to do it, but I can’t help thinking that if he worked a normal amount of hours I’d be able to do less housework! No way round it unless we get a cleaner for “his” share and we both don’t want that for various reasons.

Anyway, sorry, I digress. What I was trying to say is that even in our situation therre is a bit of resentment so I can’t begin to understand how you must feel.

You shouldn’t really be allowing it to get so messy that it requires a full days worth of cleaning tbh. There’s only 2 adults in a small flat, I’m not sure how it could get so messy. I have young DC and it never takes anywhere near a day to clean because I clean as I go.

I would also be interested to know how it gets so messy. Is it his shit you're cleaning up?

He's being clear about his expectations and has started your training.

Tell him if he's expecting you to do all of the grunt work while he does the bare minimum then maybe living together wasn't a good idea maybe if you can't reach a compromise.

Then stay silent and see what he says.

Thank you everyone so far for your comments.

The chores are just the usual sort; cooking, washing up, putting away dishes, (a lot of) hoovering, laundry, ironing, changing linen, wiping down surfaces and dusting. He only really washes dishes and hoovers since I moved in. I cook the majority of the time and have been doing the other jobs but have started to see that he’s getting away with not pulling his share at all.

Definitely 50:50 but I also think you need a clear cut cleaning schedule like TOMM or similar to spell out specifically what needs doing.

My DH has more days off, so he does more of the housework. I expect him to do the hoovering etc while the kids are in school.

I WFH and will do what I can, so pop a load of washing on, throw some bleach down the loo, do dishes while I have lunch etc. I also iron all the kids school uniform.

It's taken time, but I'm happy with the split. I used to be part time so did more when I was home more. So it goes both ways.

It was only really messy today because the weekend was absolutely hectic as there was a family party, people staying over and going out with friend’s, it isn’t the usual. Only took just over an hour to sort.

The usual chores is just cleaning down bathrooms, ironing and laundry, cleaning surfaces and tidying which is falling on me because DP believes I should do this on my days off.

Who cleaned up after him before you?
I assume he knows how to change the bed and clean a toilet?

Things shouldn't be this complicated when there are only 2 of you. Both of you should clean up after yourselves. If you cook more he should wash up more. You could each iron your own clothes (or not bother if not needed).

There shouldn't be much hoovering etc required with 2 adults who are out at work, surely?

Instead of seeing it 50/50 you need to find a schedule that works for your very differing working patterns.

So your days off work you cook the evening meal and days you are working long shifts he cooks for you both for when you get home.

That'll mean 3 evenings he cooks and you can do 2 weekday evenings as a minimum and one weekend and you can cook together one day a week.

Simple tidying up is done after whoever made the mess makes it.

Same with hovering. Your 3 days it's his job and the weekdays your home and he's working it's yours.

Bathroom, polishing etc etc is a quick hour a week job shared between 2 people so set aside a time, write a list, divide and crack on at some point.

The biggest mistake is leaving house to get messy over a weekend because you want to relax and then having to do a big tidy up clean.

But to answer your question, no you shouldn't be doing all the cleaning on your day off. Perhaps a weekly rota for the bathrooms etc - take it in turns weekly?

Agree with a PP, if he expects you to clean if you're at home and he's at work, I assume he will do the same number of cleaning hours while you're at work and he's at home ie before 9am and after 5pm?

Having said that, with no DC and a small flat it should not be that hard to split the chores. You do bathrooms and he has to hoover/mop weekly. You take turns to change bedding. Depending on how many loads of washing there are, roughly, per week, you each do half and you only iron your own clothes.

One person does a proper clean of the kitchen once a week or fortnight while the other one does all the dusting/polishing. Windows are negotiated as and when.

Cooking, shopping and cleaning up may need a bit more negotiation based on preferences, skills, interests and schedules.

Not sure why it can be so messy with two adults who both work. Even with children it takes less than an hour to keep a house clean each bar cooking.

It should be 50/50 presuming financial costs are split the same. If one is paying more than the other should pick up more house chores.

As an aside, if you are only working three days and are exhausted it may be worth getting checked out.

Maybe he too believes in the magic coffee table. And yes, he needs to step up and do the same amount as you.

My only question is when he's working, is it really just 9-5? Because it's clear he's being a dick, but whether cleaning should be split 50/50 or 60/40 might vary somewhat depending on what his actual hours are?

BIL was always banging on about his very long 12.5 hour days 3x a week with a 45 minute commute each way. And of course we did all sympathise with him. However.... at the same time, SIL was working 5 days a week, starting at 9 but seldom finishing before 7 (and I think she had one day a week where she had to work until at least 8) and she had an hour commute either way. So she was out of the house far more than him and yet he seemed to think she should do 70% of the cleaning.....

we have only just moved in together

Oh, I feel for you. We had been an item for nearly ten years, with never a cross word until we moved in together. It took nearly a year of arguing about every.single.thing til we got a way of working together that was fair.

Stand your ground that things need to be fair. Equal leisure time (but not so that if he drags out a task for ages, that is all he needs to do. ). Time spent working out what is fair will not be wasted.

That's assuming you are both committed to the chores being spread fairly. If not ...

DP believes I should do this on my days off.

Let's hope this turns out not to be true.

Because, really, if you both work the same number of hours he is being a CF to think you should do more housework. How can he possibly justify it ?

I'd definitely keep some options open to move out again pronto incase that turns out to be what he really thinks.

It should be 50/50 presuming financial costs are split the same. If one is paying more than the other should pick up more house chores.

No no no. Absolutely NOT this. If someone earns more, but works the same number of hours that DOES NOT MEAN that the less well paid person has to do put in extra hours to compensate. If you are a partnership and you're both paying according to your means, then the split of chores has nothing to do with finances and should ONLY be based on working patterns / free time.

It is this mindset that leads so many women working pt or who are SAHM to find themselves in a situation where they do 100% of all household chores, childcare etc.

He's trying to set you up as his house elf. Don't cave now or you'll end up doing it forever.