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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help with teenager

45 replies

BoringOldBitch · 01/06/2021 14:33

Hi all, I need help. My teenage (13) niece is staying with me for half term week. I thought it would be fun but I'm failing miserably as all activities I suggest or arrange are "boring", everything I cook is "yuck" (with eyes raised to heaven) and when I request input from her on what food/activities she would enjoy, the response is "dunno" and a blank stare. She doesn't even want to go shopping. All she seems to want to do is to sit tapping on her phone for every waking hour.

Help, what do I do? I don't have children, in case that isn't obvious. This lunchtime I arranged a picnic with my friend and her daughter (one year younger than my niece) but niece wasn't interested in the slightest and sat there with headphones on the whole time.

OP posts:

Moonshine11 · 01/06/2021 14:38

Swimming
Trampoline park
Cinema
Is she interested in baking?

SirVixofVixHall · 01/06/2021 14:41

Headphones thing is really rude and I would have made her take them off and be polite !
Other than that it is tricky - can you ask your sibling what niece really enjoys doing ?
I agree with cinema etc above .

DeflatedGinDrinker · 01/06/2021 14:50

Inflatable water thing on the lake if you have one near by, trampolining, cinema but not baby films. Teens want to do their own thing OP.

missminimum · 01/06/2021 14:57

How tedious for you. She does sound a typical teenager, but they normally display these behaviours with their parents and try a bit harder with others
I think you just need to be honest with her in a calm, matter of fact converstation. Something like you were looking forward to spending time together but are feeling at a loss because she is more interested in her phone. That you are not used to teenagers are in to so need her to help you. Ask her for suggestions she may like to do but say you need an agreement regarding what times of the day you are together and do activities, plus what times she can have being on her phone. Check with her parents if they have any boundaries around phone usage, if they do you could do something similar
You are not a hotel, so she needs to pull her weight around the house, picking up after herself, washing up and helping make meals. Activites that involve not needing to talk are often popular e.g cinema, swimming, skating, a theme park

Goo luck

VioletCharlotte · 01/06/2021 15:00

Generally, 13 year olds are awkward and uninterested in anything adults want to do, so don't blame yourself! Do you live in the same area as her? If not, I imagine she's probably not at all impressed at having to spend half term with you and not being able to see her friends (my DC would have been exactly the same!)

I would just leave her to get on with her phone tapping to be honest and not make too much effort to go out, unless she can come up with some options.

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 15:05

Teens are generally really boring in general. Its normal. How come shes staying with you. Can you send her home

Maireas · 01/06/2021 15:07

What a rude girl. She should be socialised enough to make a bit of an effort. Leave her be to her phone. For god's sake don't make any more effort or spend any money on her.

TokyoSushi · 01/06/2021 15:10

Yes she's a teenager, yes they can be difficult, but her behaviour is really rude! I'd be tempted just to leave her to it!

user1493494961 · 01/06/2021 15:22

She sounds very rude. I wouldn't bother arranging anything else, leave her to her phone.

Etherel · 01/06/2021 15:27

What does she actually like? I have a young teen and teach a load more and every single one has an interest. The trick is getting it out of them. Sit and watch a movie together (15A if you get permission off parents), chat over making food together (it's not too much to ask them to help and they generally eat what they prepared), ask what social media they follow etc. Can you game together? Do them up and do a pretend photo shoot? Do YOU have a hobby they might enjoy? (I make jewellery and mine occasionally likes watching, which gets us talking). Find out what they like. Then plan activities around that. And absolutely insist on manners.

Teessider · 01/06/2021 15:51

My youngest is 14 and is a typical teen.

I'd be wondering if she wanted to visit you? Is it under duress?

The headphones on at a picnic with company is rude. Wanting to sit on her phone is normal

I think I'd sit down with her and ask her to suggest some activities. A few films? Getting pizzas in? Going for a meal?

And if this fails then I'd suggest to her that she may prefer to be dropped back home. It's either that or you allow her to just loll about doing what she wants - and you may be fine with this

Dancingpinkgini · 01/06/2021 16:04

My teens who are nearly 14 & 15 are sleeping and txting their friends. They are too old for organised activities. They are both off out tomorrow, I’m heading out with my younger DC at 8am so I said I’ll leave cash for them and to ring me if they need picking up.

Then for the rest of the week they’ll be revising, eating and probably moaning a good amount. 🤣

Saying that, if they were visiting relatives they wouldn’t dare act so rude and I’d be bloody cross if they did. Was it her choice to visit you?

MacCoffee · 01/06/2021 16:14

DD (14) May have days like this with me but she’s be for it if she acted like this with her Aunt. I’d tell her to sort her face out, buck her ideas up and either stop being rude or you’ll stop considering her wants at all.

SnarkyBag · 01/06/2021 16:32

She sounds very rude I’d be horrified if mine behaved like that for someone else (although agree it’s fairly standard for teens to find everything boring)
I’d send her home for your own sanity let her be a boring, miserable madam in her own home!

FizzyPink · 01/06/2021 16:38

This is really difficult. I have two sisters (13 & 15) and the 15 year old can be like this. They stayed with us for a week last summer and after the first day of trying to find out what she wanted to do and getting no response while she moaned about it being too hot/having a headache/being bored, I just let her stay at home watching TV.

It’s not ideal but it wasn’t fair on the 13 yo who wanted to be out and about and is very easily pleased and pleasant. I think I’d probably sit her down and let her know how rude she’s being and explain that it won’t be a very fun time for either of you if she doesn’t stop it so she needs to behave or you’ll send her home.

Original poster

BoringOldBitch · 01/06/2021 17:17

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions—I feel a lot better. I felt like I must be the most boring person in the world!

Niece isn't exactly staying under duress—but my sister-in-law (single mum) is away on a business trip and it was the choice of me or another aunt that neither of them like. They live in a medium-size market town and I live in a fairly exciting major city, so thought she'd be thrilled to be here. Normally when I visit she is very sweet and loving to both me and her mother but I haven't seen them since before the first lockdown and was warned that she was developing an attitude… So I guess I was forewarned, but wasn't quite expecting this.

She has found my old REM, Husker Du and Nirvana albums this afternoon so has been occupied with that. She won't do anything that involves physical effort and we did see a film of her choice and went for pizza afterwards, during which (at the pizza place) she announced that she was bored and wanted to go on her phone.

I will try out your suggestions and will try not to feel too bad if I fail again...

OP posts:

KateTheEighth · 01/06/2021 18:37

I have teens. I'm pretty relaxed about most things but absolutely no headphones/phones at the table as a bare minimum.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 01/06/2021 18:41

She sounds rude af. The phone and headphones would be getting removed if it were me. My teenager would adore doing all those activities with her aunt

Wilkolampshade · 01/06/2021 18:43

Yeah the headphones is a definite 'no' but the other pretty much typical and don't sweat it too much. She'll probably thaw a bit over the week as it's just bare effort to keep it up, but you have my absolute sympathies.

feen · 01/06/2021 20:44

Can't you send her home early?

YouLookSoCool · 01/06/2021 21:04

The head phones thing is very rude, as is being dismissive and rude about your food. I'd ask her if she can come up with any ideas of things she'd like to do but if she just shrugs her shoulders, tbh, I'd just leave her to her own devices. I don't think you should have to keep putting in tons of effort/time/money for someone who's not interested or appreciative, and downright rude. Most teens are genuinely quite happy sitting in their rooms on their phones a lot of the time so I would honestly just let her and try not to take it personally.

lanthanum · 01/06/2021 21:05

Bear in mind that some of the tapping on her phone is keeping in touch with her friends - she's probably not best pleased at being away from them for the whole of half-term. Are you near enough to home that you could suggest she invites a friend to join you for a day out somewhere?

I suspect that in some ways this is more common teen behaviour at the moment - they've had long bouts of being confined to the house with just their immediate family, and online/mobile-based communication has been their lifeline. They've had enough "family time" over the last year to last them until they leave home!

Perhaps try and agree some ground rules - she comes out with you to do something for part of the day, and in return you leave her to her own devices (or device!) for other parts of the day.

MadMadMadamMim · 01/06/2021 21:10

Rude as fuck.

I'd ask if she has any suggestions as to what she'd like to do, but if she was rude and dismissive I'd be saying crisply, Goodness, this is a fun week for both of us, isn't it? Are you always this lacking in manners? I'd be tempted to then let her shut herself in her bedroom and sit on her phone all week.

I wouldn't be letting any guest behave so rudely towards me without calling them out, whatever their age. And I have teenagers. I'd also make it clear to her DM I wouldn't be having her again.

You are not her whipping boy.

JanuaryPeach · 01/06/2021 21:12

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Original poster

BoringOldBitch · 02/06/2021 11:28

Thank you all! I have informed her that the headphones henceforth are only to be used when she is on her own and she has grumpily complied with that so far, although there's a lot of loud sighing when she is forced to spend time with me, e.g. at mealtimes.

I'm coming round to the idea that probably the best thing is leave her to her own device(s). I can't send her home as her Mum is not back until Saturday and will be collecting her then.

I don't think I could handle having one of her friends around TBH, if they are anything like her! They live a few hours away as well so it wouldn't be practical in any case.

I am aware this is a phase we all went through and will try not to let it sour future relations. Just had hoped to give her a nice memorable and fun break, but it was not to be.

OP posts:

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