Help with teenager

[BoringOldBitch]

Hi all, I need help. My teenage (13) niece is staying with me for half term week. I thought it would be fun but I'm failing miserably as all activities I suggest or arrange are "boring", everything I cook is "yuck" (with eyes raised to heaven) and when I request input from her on what food/activities she would enjoy, the response is "dunno" and a blank stare. She doesn't even want to go shopping. All she seems to want to do is to sit tapping on her phone for every waking hour.

Help, what do I do? I don't have children, in case that isn't obvious. This lunchtime I arranged a picnic with my friend and her daughter (one year younger than my niece) but niece wasn't interested in the slightest and sat there with headphones on the whole time.

You poor thing. I have a similar problem but unfortunately he is mine so I'm stuck with him.

Dont try too hard, and don't worry too much about saying "this afternoon we are doing x". X caneven be helping on the allotment, or painting the spare bedroom - not everything has to be a treat. They might enjoy it, they might not but often they enjoy it more than they let on.

13 is the pits.

She sounds horribly rude tbh. My dd would never have dreamt of behaving like that - not even with me, let alone with an aunt who had kindly taken her in for the week.

Yes, the teenage years can be difficult. They can be moody and many are glued to their phones, but in my experience, most kids are able to pull it out of the bag and make an effort when required. I would have been mortified if dd had shown such awful social skills. Being 13 is not an excuse!

That said, maybe take it as a compliment, OP, that she considers herself close enough to you not to have to make an effort. It's a shame that this isn't turning into the nice bonding time that you had envisaged, but you can't force it unfortunately. Maybe she resents being sent away from home during her half term, but that isn't your fault and she shouldn't take it out on you.

Aren't teenagers fun?!

Frankly, it sounds like you've done your best.

But I'd maybe have one last go... maybe a shopping trip, but fairly independently? Take the two of you to the shops, give her £30 and say "meet you back here in 2 hours." Then turn on your tail and walk off. Then a Maccys or Starbucks afterwards? She's old enough to mind herself in a shopping centre for a couple of hours.

But then I think I'd leave her to it for the rest of the week. You tried your best. How much you tell your sister... depends how much backlash you want on teenager afterwards, and how much future relationship you want with them.

Personally, I'd just chalk it up as an eye-roll, and move on. Teenagers are fairly universally awful, but they usually come good in the end.

She’s being really rude. She’s old enough to be polite to someone who is being nice to her.

I would have one frank conversation with her where you tell her her attitude is poor, and that she can either apologise and you start afresh, or you won’t be going to any further effort while she’s with you and she can just sit at home and be bored if that’s what she’s determined to do.

My parents sent me to stay with my aunt when I was a similar age. She took me and my fifteen year old sister to Disneyland Paris. We were too teenage and although polite, just read penguin popular classics and wrote heartfelt prose in our notebooks whilst wearing black in the blazing sun. Teenagers are arseholes.

She has shown you a couple of things she likes though - your old albums. I don't know where you are based but are there anythings related to music etc you could show her. I liked being treated as older it shown things that didn't seem childish (like I was being granted access to the adult club). I would have rather been shown accessible modern art than Disneyland...

Thanks all for the advice. I think she basically does not want anything to do with me so even the suggestion of shopping went down like a lead balloon. I am holding on to the thought that "they usually come good in the end".

Teenagers are odd creatures OP. I used to get hurt when DS2 used to refuse to go anywhere with me. I realised though that the issue is in their own heads - some teens are so self-absorbed they think that everyone else is looking at them. So if they go shopping with you, or alone, then they feel that other teens (even complete strangers!) will be judging them. They only really feel comfortable when surrounded by their own group of friends.

I do feel for you, it's painful! Mine were like this from 12-15. They do come out the other side though I promise!

Iys because she'd rather be out with friends or alone in her own bedroom chilling. Unfortunately thatbis normal but you are right to pull her up on rudeness.
Teens want to be with kids thrir own age. ( who they already know not a random child) and don't want to hang out with " old " people ( anyone above the age of 20).

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Yes the rudeness is out of order and I’d be telling her to put her face straight. However an enforced week with Aunty sounds like teenage hell I’m afraid. They want to be left alone, have long lie ins and moan with their friends.

Just leave her to it. You’ve tried hard enough. She’s interacting with her friends on her phone so let her. I’d tell her you’re up for any suggestions of things she’d like to do but stop trying to find it myself.

This will pass and a pleasant young woman will pop out of nowhere at some mysterious point in the future.

Thank you, Two days and counting! I am leaving her to it and have showed her how to handle vinyl records properly so they don't get scratched, which seemed to be somewhat appreciated.

I will look forward to the pleasant young woman's mysterious appearance.

I do remember refusing to go for Christmas dinner at my uncle's house with my cousins and gran (and parents and siblings) at around that age. The family went off and left me to it on my own. Perhaps this is my long-awaited punishment!

Take her phone off her. I’m sure she’s not allowed to Do that at home (or I hope she isn’t). My teens would be on their’s constantly otherwise and it makes them even more grumpy and teenagery

She does sound very rude tbh. Most teens can be like this with their parents, but generally tow the line more with others, especially with people they don’t see that often.

Have you pulled her up on her rudeness at all? I would if it was my niece, or if one of my daughters was being this rude to a relative I’d want them pulled up for their shitty behaviour.

She’s probably not best pleased with having to spend the half term with you and not see her friends at all, but she’s old enough to understand the situation and there’s no need for her to be acting like a brat.

Her Mum will be here by lunchtime. Counting down the hours…

I feel sad that whatever bond we had when she was little is clearly gone. She used to run up and give me a massive hug when I arrived for a visit, and in the mornings would peek into my bedroom at the crack of dawn to see if I was up yet. Perhaps when she's in her 20s she will be interested in engaging again (but on reflection, I wasn't in contact with any of my extended family at that age, so perhaps karma does exist after all).

I didn't do anything like removing her phone or telling her she was rude, as I thought it would make things worse, although I did insist that the headphones were removed when she was in my company.

I guess I'm a wuss and just want to get along with people.

Those of you with teenagers, you have my new-found respect (and sympathy!).

You sound lovely! My DDs are younger but would love an auntie like you.
I don’t have teens but I wouldn’t allow the rudeness of headphones in company for sure.

Some of this is typical teen behaviour but she does sound very rude! Mine can be hard work with me but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t behave like that with anyone else.

You’ve done your best OP