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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Posting here for traffic I need help with teen DD

48 replies

Gameofbones · 31/05/2021 22:44

She has diagnosed ADD and I’m awaiting an ASD appointment.

She is so angry at the world. She is so angry at me constantly. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m her verbal punch bag. I have tried everything. Ignoring her, love bombing, getting cross. I’m pulling my hair out.

Today I went in her room and emptied out her bin and pulled old no longer needed school uniform out of her drawers to make some space. I also remade her bed. That was it. She has been raging at me for three hours about how I’ve made her feel sick to her stomach, she may as well be dead as I’ve touched her things, she hates herself.

I said please just stop. She has replied with fine I’ll stop I’ll never bother you again. Now I’m shit scared she is going to hurt herself.

She is so terribly unhappy, I actually don’t think I can go on for much longer being the only parent who receives this level of abuse from her. I’m not with her dad and she masks when she is with him so he doesn’t see any issues.

She wants to die, she is so unhappy. She is under camhs already they really are useless though. I tried calling their emergency mental health line I was on hold for 90 mins with no answer.
I’ve told her tomorrow I’ll speak to the GP, I’m not sure if she needs hospital care. I don’t know all I know is I’m not the right parent for her. I can’t keep going on like this.

OP posts:
FredAndChips · 31/05/2021 23:00

I'm so sorry you're both going through this, i don't have any advice but i couldn't read and run. Hopefully others will be along shortly with some advice.
Sending hugs for you both

Caplin · 31/05/2021 23:19

As someone with both a sister on the spectrum and a brother, don’t mess with their things unless they are on board.

If it is ASD it can often mean tidying and keeping order is tricky, but you have to work with them, not do to them. Your daughter is an angsty teen, but (possibly) also sees the world very differently to you. By changing things without her input, she feels out of control. To you it seems like ‘just making the bed and throwing out old things’, to her you have invaded her space, moved her stuff and made decisions about what she does and doesn’t need.

Just my thoughts...

Cactusesi · 31/05/2021 23:20

I understand your daughter is vulnerable, but might you be fussing a bit too much? How would you feel if she sorted out your drawers?

What ever you do, don't beat yourself up. You are a good woman who is doing her best for the daughter she loves.

anothernewtop · 31/05/2021 23:24

It's really intrusive behaviour on your part.

Original poster
Gameofbones · 31/05/2021 23:32

I’ve been asking for days please empty your bin. There is the remains of something that has milk in it. It’s now hot and it stinks.

Does it really warrant the abuse and rage that has been thrown at me

I get all your points, however I’m always on the receiving end and it’s exhausting.

OP posts:
lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 31/05/2021 23:34

@Gameofbones

I could have written your post (right down to the ADD diagnosis and awaiting ASD one). I too am a single parent to my teen DD and I really get how hard and awful it is. The only thing that has eventually made things better (for now) is taking her to a and e last week.

CAMHS hadn't been particularly good up until this point (I do get that they are massively stretched at the moment) but since 2 nights in hospital we are now in touch with and on the radar of the people (psychiatrist/ therapists/ mental health teams. I wish I had done this 6/12 months ago as now things finally feel as if they are moving forward and I'm not dealing with this alone.

The thing that triggered me taking DD to a and e was that she had stopped eating for 7 days and I was advised to bring her in. That said I think any reason if you feel like you no longer know what to do should be a reason.

I know how hard this is. Feel free to Pm me if you want any more info on this, good luck

Original poster
Gameofbones · 01/06/2021 11:01

Thank you. I’m at the end of my rope. I was up and down all night checking on her.

I’m a nervous wreck. I have tried to call the doctor this morning I’m still on hold I’m number 35 In the queue.

I feel like I’m going mad. Her father doesn’t believe me. I can’t seem to get any help.

OP posts:
Ginuwine · 01/06/2021 11:05

Do you and her father live together @Gameofbones - ? are you recently separated? That's not a goady question I'm just thinking about all the factors at play here.

Original poster
Gameofbones · 01/06/2021 11:32

No we have not been together for a long time. He left when she was a toddler.

OP posts:
Krook · 01/06/2021 11:35

So sorry you are going through this; I know how difficult it is.
There is a very supportive private FB group called Parenting Mental Health. Please join if you haven't already, it has been a lifeline for us.

Allmyfavouritepeople · 01/06/2021 11:47

As much as I can see why touching her things may have upset her you are allowed to be upset too. Perhaps do one thing at a time going forward, so just the bin or just the uniform but not both However not helpful to dwell on that right now.
Don't have any advice sadly but wanted to say you are not alone.

Original poster
Gameofbones · 01/06/2021 12:11

Thanks Krook I’ll look it up now.

OP posts:
Advic3Pl3as3 · 01/06/2021 12:23

As an autistic person I HATE people messing with my stuff, but I am also terrible at chores so what work(s/ed) for me is my mum saying stuff like “come on, let’s do x and y together” and I do/did it with her help.

Or she’ll say “I’d like to empty your bin today. If you don’t want to do it I am still going to do it by the end of today.” So there’s a deadline that she knows is coming and either she can do it or you will do it by that time after giving her an opportunity to do it.

It might also be that she needs more instruction. “Empty your bin” is quite vague to me so I wouldn’t see it as something I needed to actually do by a certain time so I’d just leave it in favour of doing more interesting things. “Take the bag out of your bin, take it outside and put it in the outside bin, then put this clean bag in your bin. Please can you do this now/today/by 3pm today” is much clearer to me.

Advic3Pl3as3 · 01/06/2021 12:24

Also the fact that it smells wouldn’t bother me until it actually bothered me if you know what I mean. Not in the sense that the smell bothers you.

namechange30455 · 01/06/2021 12:32

@Advic3Pl3as3

As an autistic person I HATE people messing with my stuff, but I am also terrible at chores so what work(s/ed) for me is my mum saying stuff like “come on, let’s do x and y together” and I do/did it with her help.

Or she’ll say “I’d like to empty your bin today. If you don’t want to do it I am still going to do it by the end of today.” So there’s a deadline that she knows is coming and either she can do it or you will do it by that time after giving her an opportunity to do it.

It might also be that she needs more instruction. “Empty your bin” is quite vague to me so I wouldn’t see it as something I needed to actually do by a certain time so I’d just leave it in favour of doing more interesting things. “Take the bag out of your bin, take it outside and put it in the outside bin, then put this clean bag in your bin. Please can you do this now/today/by 3pm today” is much clearer to me.

I also have ASD and quite possibly would have reacted like your DD when I was a teenager. I think this post is really good advice.
Advic3Pl3as3 · 01/06/2021 12:40

Also throwing out stuff is not a good idea without giving time to prepare or having an opportunity to decide which bits to throw out. It takes me a long time to work up to throwing out or getting rid of stuff. I had a blanket that I bought after saving up my pocket money when I was 14. I finally got rid of it 14 years later by which time it was so thin and threadbare it had holes in. I still think about that blanket and wish I still had it even another 12 years later.

MMMMMaria · 01/06/2021 12:47

So sorry, it is so hard going through that. Your child needs help to handle all the whirlwind emotions they are going through.
Very good advice from Advic3Pl3as3 @Advic3Pl3as3
Hang in there, find parenting support for parents with ASD children - contact your local Autistic Society group. It can be so hard but remember that often they will lash out at the ones they feel safe lashing out at because they know your love for them means that you won’t abandon them. It does get better, but horrible while going through the worst of it.

Rosmac · 01/06/2021 13:08

Sounds like she feels trapped with no way out? Is she still at school? Do you think she might be having a hard time at school? What about boy trouble? (Or girl trouble?)

Original poster
Gameofbones · 01/06/2021 15:10

Thank you @Advic3Pl3as3 this is very good advice.

I’ve been in secret tears for most of the day. Am waiting for a call back from GP. I also think she needs to go on an antidepressant of some sort. She is so full of self hatred and openly admits she is depressed.

She told me her brain shuts down when she lashes out. Yet still her father won’t get on board.

No boy trouble or girl trouble she says she has no feelings towards anyone.

OP posts:
Krook · 01/06/2021 15:15

Just a warning that unless your DD is over 18 which I don't think she is as you mention school uniform, GP can't prescribe anti-depressant meds. Has to be from a psychiatrist which means CAMHS. Or private consult.

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 15:17

you asked her plenty of times to do it so she had the opportunity to not have anyone else take over and do it, because things like this are a health hazard and not optional.
My dd gets furious when i do her room too but wont do it herself. I tell her she should be thanking me and to wind her neck in.
What is her opinion on antidepressants?
Is she under EWMHS?

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 15:18

Mine takes 5htp sometimes as a herbal antidepressant. She says it helps

Hankunamatata · 01/06/2021 15:19

Is she on medication for ADD?

Original poster
Gameofbones · 01/06/2021 15:23

She is on medication for it but only takes it for school to concentrate that is our agreement. But now she has finished school effectively she says she doesn’t have to take it again to September.

When I tell her I’ll take her to the doctor she rages at me but then tells me she feels sad all the time. And hates herself. She wishes she could disappear as she says I don’t like her.

I do like her I love her but the constant abuse and rage I just can’t continue with it. It literally takes over my life. When I’m at work and she is at home I’m a nervous wreck. So now she is at home constantly I worry all day at work.

OP posts:
Hoppipolla479 · 01/06/2021 15:28

Gosh, I have no advice but I am sending you a big hug. That sounds bloody tough 💚💚💚