Posting here for traffic I need help with teen DD

[Gameofbones]

She has diagnosed ADD and I’m awaiting an ASD appointment.

She is so angry at the world. She is so angry at me constantly. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m her verbal punch bag. I have tried everything. Ignoring her, love bombing, getting cross. I’m pulling my hair out.

Today I went in her room and emptied out her bin and pulled old no longer needed school uniform out of her drawers to make some space. I also remade her bed. That was it. She has been raging at me for three hours about how I’ve made her feel sick to her stomach, she may as well be dead as I’ve touched her things, she hates herself.

I said please just stop. She has replied with fine I’ll stop I’ll never bother you again. Now I’m shit scared she is going to hurt herself.

She is so terribly unhappy, I actually don’t think I can go on for much longer being the only parent who receives this level of abuse from her. I’m not with her dad and she masks when she is with him so he doesn’t see any issues.

She wants to die, she is so unhappy. She is under camhs already they really are useless though. I tried calling their emergency mental health line I was on hold for 90 mins with no answer.
I’ve told her tomorrow I’ll speak to the GP, I’m not sure if she needs hospital care. I don’t know all I know is I’m not the right parent for her. I can’t keep going on like this.

@Krook

Just a warning that unless your DD is over 18 which I don't think she is as you mention school uniform, GP can't prescribe anti-depressant meds. Has to be from a psychiatrist which means CAMHS. Or private consult.

When did that change?

Gp prescribed me and others I know anti depressants as teens from age 13...Or is it because of other diagnoses?

Op, you are the right parent for her. I know it doesn't help to hear, but the reason she lashes out at you is because of the strength of your relationship and of your love for her - she feels safe enough to do so. Doesn't make it any less awful for you though.

I think you've had some really good advice here, I just want to add to seek support from your gp for yourself too - its really important (for both of you) that you don't neglect your own needs through this.

Your dd will come out the other side from this. Your being a wonderful mother, keep going, you'll get there.

A couple of thoughts just to get you though the wait for help

She lashes out at you because you are the one person she can relax with. She doesn’t have to hide herself. This is hard for you, but it’s a good sign.

She is probably overwhelmed by something that seems really simple. As someone else mentioned, teaching her to “empty the bin” needs to be broken out into its component steps and you need to be clear about the timetable. It helps my dd to provide written instructions in an easy checklist format. Over time, she stops needing those things broken down and we move on to other tasks. No one ever did this for me, I had to figure it out on my own, but I realized I still do it for myself even as an an adult.

Hope you get some help OP. My teen asd son dislikes it when I touch his things but he can cope with it. To be honest I was just like your daughter and still hate people touching my stuff but don't freak out anymore. Hormones op I'm sure it will get better.

@TaraR2020

How long ago was that? GPs can't prescribe SSRI meds for under 18s in the majority of cases, maybe it depends on the type. I think even psychiatrists prescribe them mostly off-licence.

I think the lack of structure at the end of term can really set ASD or ADHD children off. My ds used to have the same issue during holidays.

FWIW, he often takes his medication when not studying, like when he wants to complete a project or tidy his room. I'm not entirely sure it's a good thing, but it gives him a concentrated boost to achieve something.

Sounds like she's screaming out for help but doesn't know how to go about it the right way. Does she have many friends her own age? Does she go out much or have friends over?

I'm autistic and I have panic attacks and feel completely overwhelmed and suicidal when cleaners take it upon themselves to decide for me what is important and what isn't and throw away my stuff.

It's infuriating as the executive dysfunction and sensory issues make certain household tasks difficult for me and I desperately want help but people need to ask and not assume.

I know it's annoying but try living inside it.

She does have friends her own age. Each of them is as lovely and as quirky as she can be.

She is friends with a lot of kids who are either trans or members of the LGBTQ community. I told her only yesterday one of the things I love about her most is the way she accepts people for who they are. She doesn’t seem that it works the same way back.

I think you're conflating what you do with who you are. I'm sure she accepts you for who you are just like she does with her friends. Accepting you crossing her boundaries to interfere in her stuff is different. What you're doing by what you see as helping is causing her distress.

Between the two of you, you'll have to find a way to communicate that reaches a solution that suits you both. Not knowing either of you, I don't know what that might be. But asking before doing would be better for me. Sudden change is hugely hard to cope with for autistic people. It's irrational maybe but even a ring change can feel chaotic and like you have no control. Managing the environment to feel safe is so important. Her bedroom should be her safest place. Realising that her safe space can be invaded and changed with no warning must feel very scary.

*tiny not ring

People in the trans LGBTQ community still receive a lot of abuse today I wonder if she has been on the receiving end of any of that abuse especially at school or online. I know with social media kids can't escape bullying and can feel trapped and find it hard to tell their parents. I'm not saying this is what is happening to her but it's something to think about. I really hope it gets better for you both soon whatever the reason.

@Krook

Just a warning that unless your DD is over 18 which I don't think she is as you mention school uniform, GP can't prescribe anti-depressant meds. Has to be from a psychiatrist which means CAMHS. Or private consult.

I don't think that's true, is it?

I was prescribed anti-depressants at the age of 16.

@cupsofcoffee

Yes absolutely true. At least for SSRI meds. How long ago were you prescribed yours?

[quote Krook]@cupsofcoffee

Yes absolutely true. At least for SSRI meds. How long ago were you prescribed yours?[/quote]
16 years ago. Has it changed since then?

The NICE guideline is dated 2005 so 16 years ago!

In some circumstances GP can make the initial prescription but as I understand it, it has to be with the authority of a psychiatrist.

@Krook my brother was prescribed SSRIs last year before he turned 17, no other involvement from other agencies. Another close relative was also under 18 when they were prescribed, this would have been slightly further back in maybe 2016?

You will get through this op.
I remember going through the same with mine, treading on eggshells and the constant worry.

Does she have any structure to her day at the moment?

@Krook

The NICE guideline is dated 2005 so 16 years ago!

In some circumstances GP can make the initial prescription but as I understand it, it has to be with the authority of a psychiatrist.

Is guidance the same as a flat-out ban, though?

She will come out the other side. Mine truly hated me from around aged 12 to 16. She was excluded from school, bullied by other kids, and ended up being home educated due to the system failing her completely. She fell through the CAMHS system too, and there were too many times that I honestly reached the end of my rope.

We coped by literally turning a blind eye to the poor behaviour and only intervening if it threatened her safety or that of our other DC. We gave her no aim for her anger, and whilst it nearly bloody killed us, it did work the best. Even now she's an adult, we joke that she can start an argument in an empty room.

And let her have her own space. If her room stinks, she's the one breathing it in. If her bedlinen is fousty, so be it. If her clothes are on the floor, leave them. Let her have control over one element of her life.

It's tough. I have an 8 year old with these diagnoses and she takes bad feelings out on me a lot. I got advice from the books The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (I like those books because they emphasise that your child is not doing the behaviour to upset you and they understand how terrible it makes you feel) and the checklists in Smart But Scattered are helpful too. But the best thing I did was join the local Facebook group for parents of PDA kids, which I found via the Autistic Society website I think. The people there get it in a way that friends and family don't.

It must be really hard that your ex doesn't see the behaviour. I have been glad that DH sees it too as otherwise I'd think I was going mad.

Regarding the bin, when she is calmer, suggest it lives outside the door?

Interesting those whose teens been prescribed ADs by GP quite recently. This goes very much against what we were told recent,y. There isn't a flat out ban but GPs who do prescribe without input from a psychiatrist are taking quite a risk.

There was a thread on this recently where some GPs commented.

OP I hope you are on the way to finding some help.

Op I posted further up the thread. The turning point for my DD has been antidepressants. It's early days but she seems better already. We got these after I took her to A and E and 2 nights in hospital. As others have said- a GP can't prescribe them. The morning after she was admitted I met with the psychiatrist there and after a conversation with me then my DD she prescribed sertraline. There is also something of a comfort when you are feeling how you are now to have people who really understand being involved.

My DD is being assessed for ASD and I Have found the other posts on here really useful for advice too so thanks.

Thank you @lemonsaretheonlyfruit I’ve written to camhs you are no longer able to call their admin team.

GP never called back.