Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting cousins to wedding

26 replies

awkwardusername · 31/05/2021 22:33

I know this has been done a million times but long story short:

  • fiancée and I got engaged last week
  • always said we want a very small wedding (parents/siblings/grandparents only, however my auntie is over from Kenya around the time we are hoping to get married so we have decided to invite aunties/uncles provided we have seen them in the last couple of years)
  • his family are very close, all live within five minutes of each other; he is the only male in his generation so was never as close to them; they don’t like me (for “stealing him away” even though we visit regularly)
  • reiterated to his family we want a small wedding and his parents/sister immediately shouted that we “have to invite” his cousins
  • we weren’t intending on it, and still don’t want to (four cousins, four of their partners and nine children between them)
  • not having an evening do but will have a big party at some point in the future which they would of course be invited to
  • cousins have previously been very unpleasant to me, however I’ve told my fiancé that if he wants to invite them, we can. He’s adamant he doesn’t want to but is now upset with his family, which is obviously awful

I know it’s our wedding and we can invite who we want but the animosity from his family will be awful. Are we being horrible to not invite them?

OP posts:
Palavah · 31/05/2021 22:36

If horrible = not inviting relatives who've been unpleasant to you then I'd be happy to be horrible. But I don't think you are.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2021 22:38

Of course you’re not. Why and how were the cousins horrible to you?! Don’t have anyone there who’s been horrible to you. It’s your day.

Anymore bullying and I’d be uninviting his arsehole parents.

I’d be very sure of his boundaries before marrying into this weird dynamic. You’re presumably both adults. If he can’t relate to his parents like that and vice versa I worry your life will be plagued by orders and threats and manipulation.

mynameisbrian · 31/05/2021 22:38

Nope not horrible, your partner doesnt want them there so leave stick with it. They dont sound very nice towards you anyway. Your having a small wedding, surround yourself with people you want there

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2021 22:38

I know it’s our wedding and we can invite who we want but the animosity from his family will be awful.

It is your wedding and you should invite only who you want to. As for the animosity, personally this wouldn't bother me a bit. I am not moved by other people's tantrums. I say stick to your plans.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 31/05/2021 22:39

Second @Palavah, you're right with what you say it's your wedding you have who you want there.
The them being horrible point of view, is how will they behave on the day, they are rude in general, then they've got the potential to be rude on the day, do you want that negativity there?

Original poster
awkwardusername · 31/05/2021 22:41

“You went to their weddings” is the line at the moment, however they all had big weddings, we are wanting a maximum of about 20!

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 31/05/2021 22:41

YANBU, of course. Invite whoever you want.

Now, when it comes to cousins, grandparents etc, every family is different. In some, every event is for the whole extended family, and it would be unthinkable not to invite them. That still doesn't mean you have to, but you will cause a bigger stir and people will genuinely struggle to get their heads around it. It's up to you and your DP to decide whether facing into that is worth it. You might think it would be worth it a thousand times over!

My main advice would be to take a minute, you've only just gotten engaged (congratulations!) so make some non committal noises and take your time deciding between the two of you.

Sssloou · 31/05/2021 22:43

@Aquamarine1029

I know it’s our wedding and we can invite who we want but the animosity from his family will be awful.

It is your wedding and you should invite only who you want to. As for the animosity, personally this wouldn't bother me a bit. I am not moved by other people's tantrums. I say stick to your plans.

This.

Also your DF is adamant. Let him front it out and ensure that he insists that his family pipe down and respect your decision.

Start as you mean to go on - assertive, calm, adult and independent.

Congratulations enjoy your day.

Hankunamatata · 31/05/2021 22:45

We did the same

Peach01 · 31/05/2021 22:50

Of course YANBU. It's perfectly reasonable to only have aunts and uncles there.
Traditionally parents arranged the guest list and had a say in who was attending because they were paying for it.

This is about you and your fiance, have the people there who you want. Don't organise and a wedding that doesn't make you happy. What's the point. Turn a blind eye to anyone who's annoyed about it. You're being completely fair.

Cheesypea · 31/05/2021 22:56

Oh dear because of covid you'll have to limit your wedding to 20 because you know anything can happen.

Cherrysoup · 31/05/2021 23:54

This is your wedding, not his family’s. As long as your fiancé is on the same page then tell them to get to fuck, presumably they aren’t paying so it’s nothing to do with them.

BackforGood · 01/06/2021 00:02

I do agree with Mindy about just stepping back and taking a while to breathe.
You've just got engaged a week ago. There is no need to be getting into a fight about this with anyone.

Absolutely - it is your day. Totally reasonable to have a tiny wedding. Perfectly reasonable to restrict it to small numbers. but do be aware, as Mindy suggested families have different dynamics. Also, be realistic in that you had decided just parents / siblings / Grandparents, and already - within a week - you have changed that when it suits you and your family.
Give your dp chance to think and decide what he wants to do.

Perfectly reasonable for him to come to the conclusion he doesn't want his cousins there, or that he agrees with you he only wants parents siblings and grandparents there. But let him think it through over a little bit longer.

Having just got engaged, it should be a lovely time for you all, not just filled with conflict.
Is he inviting his aunts and uncles, now that you are ?

HeddaGarbled · 01/06/2021 01:08

You’re stressing about the wrong thing. Aunties, cousins, who cares.

HIS FAMILY DON’T LIKE ME FOR STEALING HIM AWAY. You’re in for a lifetime of pain if you don’t address this before you get married.

I’d suggest some counselling with a professional relationship counsellor, and if your partner can’t see how seriously damaging this is going to be if you don’t sort it out now, I wouldn’t marry him.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 01:20

"Oh, so sorry but it's going to be very small. We do plan to have a big party sometime later on though."

If anyone wants to argue, just repeat, "Oh, I'm sorry," accompanied by a sad face. Don't engage with any further explanations or answer any challenges or respond to drama. If they don't accept it after being told a couple of times, get off the phone or change the subject or find a reason to leave or turn your attention to something else.

It doesn't matter if the cousins invited your husband to their weddings; they obviously had much larger weddings. Also, this isn't even the cousins themselves arguing.

People like to push but they will get used to it not working if it doesn't work. Just don't play and they won't have any choice.

With such a small gathering, I certainly wouldn't want 20% of the people there to be ones who were nasty to me anyway.

If you do have a large party later on, I'd try to get rid of the cousins then, too. I don't want people around me who don't treat me well. Cousins typically have a very small part in your lives once everyone moves on with their own families anyway.

Enough4me · 01/06/2021 01:28

YADNBU, repeat "no, we're having a small wedding" as often as the subject about cousins is raised.

threeteenstaximum · 01/06/2021 06:32

You're having a small wedding

It's irrelevant who other people think Future DH and you should invite, it's your wedding. You don't have to listen to anyone else

You also have perfect excuse that it's COVID times atm too

I use the phrase "No Thankyou" when I don't want to discuss anymore

"You should invite cousins"
"No thankyou"
"But blah blah.."
"No Thankyou"

As you said, you plan a bigger party later on, so you can deflect by reminding them of that

Holly60 · 01/06/2021 08:06

@awkwardusername

“You went to their weddings” is the line at the moment, however they all had big weddings, we are wanting a maximum of about 20!
I have to admit I was going to ask this. It does seem slightly bad form to have gone along to their weddings but not invite them to yours. I would be a bit put out if I had paid for my cousins to come to my wedding and then not been invited to theirs. Maybe they too wanted small weddings but just happened to be born into a big family and decided they didn’t want to exclude anyone. How would your DFiance and you have felt if you had not been invited to their weddings but his sister had? They obviously see themselves as a close family and i think I would be subtly guiding your partner to invite them. You mention family relations are not great and I have to be honest this isn’t going to improve them.
DancesWithTortoises · 01/06/2021 08:07

Stand firm, OP. They are being very rude.

Original poster
awkwardusername · 01/06/2021 08:16

@BackforGood

I do agree with Mindy about just stepping back and taking a while to breathe. You've just got engaged a week ago. There is no need to be getting into a fight about this with anyone.

Absolutely - it is your day. Totally reasonable to have a tiny wedding. Perfectly reasonable to restrict it to small numbers. but do be aware, as Mindy suggested families have different dynamics. Also, be realistic in that you had decided just parents / siblings / Grandparents, and already - within a week - you have changed that when it suits you and your family.
Give your dp chance to think and decide what he wants to do.

Perfectly reasonable for him to come to the conclusion he doesn't want his cousins there, or that he agrees with you he only wants parents siblings and grandparents there. But let him think it through over a little bit longer.

Having just got engaged, it should be a lovely time for you all, not just filled with conflict.
Is he inviting his aunts and uncles, now that you are ?

Luckily we had never told the families we weren’t inviting aunties and uncles so they didn’t know haha! Yes, his will be invited too. I think my main problem with the whole thing is the immediate complaining! Like you say, we just want to enjoy being engaged before having to deal with their incessant need for drama!
OP posts:
Original poster
awkwardusername · 01/06/2021 08:21

I asked him that exact question @Holly60, he said he wouldn’t have been bothered if his sister had been invited and he hadn’t because the girls are much closer to one another than he is.
I’m very much of the mindset “why should I feel uncomfortable on my own wedding day” with them there, but like I say, I’m kind of staying out of it and letting him know if he does decide he wants them there, they should be there. Unfortunately now his family are complaining already, it’s made him more confident he doesn’t want them there!

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 01/06/2021 08:28

Is it a cultural thing why they don’t like you?

I would also be thinking about moving if they live so close to you

BakewellGin1 · 01/06/2021 08:30

It's your wedding invite who you like... For this exact reason I had a wedding abroad with numbers limited to 30.

My Dsis is due to get married and has purposefully selected a place that has a room with a limit of 20.

If people have chosen a large wedding and invited every man and their dog - not your problem that was their decision.

Invite those you want there..
For us it was my DP, Sister and her BF, our Son, DH Aunt and three cousins, partners and children, a few mutual friends...
We didn't invite DH Mum as we don't speak or his brother
We also didn't invite my cousins as we are not close
It's about who you want there on your day. We refused to have anyone who would spoil it.

When we came home we had a party and invited everyone we wanted to be there.

Original poster
awkwardusername · 01/06/2021 08:30

@ineedaholidaynow

Is it a cultural thing why they don’t like you?

I would also be thinking about moving if they live so close to you

A culture within their family, yes! All of the partners are disliked for ridiculous reasons!

We actually are moving, but we’ll only be an hour away

OP posts:
Velvian · 01/06/2021 09:03

Just keep repeating 'we are having a small wedding' YANBU.