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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu - ex and new relationship

46 replies

Whatname2021 · 31/05/2021 12:31

hi all

Appreciate some advice, feel very stressed.

Marriage over almost 2 years officially, over before this but technically this is when I said to him for last time. Legal agreements signed however he is making life difficult. Stalking is a strong word but that is where my mind is going. I have found him at the back of my house, driving by very slowly, commenting via text about people at my house. He texts me going over elements of our marriage all the time.

He had our children yesterday and they must have mentioned guy I am seeing as he text me about it, even though he knew couple of months ago. Yesterday seems to have enraged him, he text me 20 times, some of them lengthy, I did not respond to an. One message in particular said he could see me online. This creeped me out a little, so I went upstairs and put on alarm. I didn't sleep well. He has also verbally abused me in front of the children.

He seems angry I have moved on, as he sees it very quickly, is now accusing me of being with the guy during marriage and saying it is horrendous thing to have my children around us.

I am tired of the constant abuse,however deep down worried about him and his mental health. He told me in anger one evening when marriage was over if he couldn't have me nobody could and he would kill himself if he saw me with someone.

I ultimately want to protect my children and am worried about him having them when he is so angry with me.

Please help

OP posts:

TheChiefJo · 31/05/2021 12:40

A lot of red flags there, OP. I'd consider keeping a record of these things and reporting his behaviour to the police. You don't have to be pressing charges or anything, they can (if they are any use) just speak with him about his worrying pattern of behaviour. If he's genuinely a danger to himself, this could be a step towards helping him as the police can highlight that risk to MH services. Of course, the police and MH are a postcode lottery, but I think it's a bit too serious for you to just do nothing. Sorry you're dealing with this, it is awful.

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 31/05/2021 12:46

TheChiefJo

Thank you for your response. I suppose my own thinking is a problem as I feel guilty for leaving the marriage, guilty for the relationship and feel somehow to blame

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 31/05/2021 13:33

Don't feel guilty OP, I left my husband because I fell out of love with him and did not want to spend anymore time with him.

He re-married soon after.

slashlover · 31/05/2021 13:55

Stalking is a strong word but that is where my mind is going.

He's trespassing in your garden.
He's driving by your house.
He's obviously watching your house
He's texting you long texts without you even replying
He's monitoring if you are online.
He's making you fearful so you have to put the alarm on
He's verbally abusing you in front of the kids
He's making wild claims

It IS stalking and can/will easily escalate.

TheChiefJo · 31/05/2021 14:02

I think guilt is one of those feelings that we get, especially when a relationship ends or some other sad event, but it's not rational or helpful.

Agree with slashlover. His behaviour needs some sort of intervention. You're probably playing it down and cutting him a lot of slack because of the guilty feelings, but it won't help either of you in the long run.

Pretzelcoatl · 31/05/2021 14:36

This was my dad, when my parents split up back in the 1980s. Not so much the driving by the house, but the other behaviour.

But worse, when he had visitation, he poured all of that anger into us and weaponized us (mostly me as I was the oldest sibling) so that we would be his advocates against mom about how unfair it was to dad.

It was genuinely horrible and a huge amount of pressure - on me (because visitation meant hours and hours of angry ranting), on mom (because she had enough on her plate without me being my dad’s surrogate, on the household because this coincided with me starting adolescence (I was ten going on eleven) and so the acrimony wasn’t just toxic, it was corrosive.

Kids don’t have the mental means to stand up to parents, especially at that age. I sure didn’t. Please watch out for this and, as another poster said, keep a detailed record of this. Mom didn’t want to be resented by us later by preventing visitation, but I wish she had. Take away his visitation privileges if he’s going to abuse the access.

Good luck.

Duchess379 · 31/05/2021 14:48

I'm a retired police officer. Report this!! This is harassment & coercive control. He has no right to text you 20+ times a day. Protect yourself & kids 🥺

RandomMess · 31/05/2021 15:03

Please ring National domestic Helpline you absolutely need to report his threats and harassment to the police and get non-molestation/non-harassment orders.

You do this by the absolute book.

KarmaStar · 31/05/2021 15:34

He is stalking you and you need to speak to the police.now.
Don't feel guilty or worried you are being harsh,you must protect yourself before his behaviour escalates.
Good luck.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 31/05/2021 15:58

From what you’ve said he is definitely stalking you- not a strong word for it at all. Keep the messages report to the police. I wouldn’t let him near the kids while he is behaving like this, it’s far too dangerous. Hopefully the police can advise or signpost you to women’s aid for advice on how to keep yourself and your children safe.

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 31/05/2021 18:11

Thank you all for your support.

I am definitely minimising it due to guilt. The kids came back yesterday after being with him and after a string of messages asking when mammy and daddy are getting married and that I was daddy's princess. I was so shocked

I probably have so many more instances, but head is all over the place, so need to start documenting

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 31/05/2021 18:15

I know he is interrogating the kids to get information about me. He has tried to get access to my social media and I know he has driven to my parents etc to look for me when he has the kids and I'm not home.

For so long he wouldn't take the kids overnight so that I would always have to be home

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/05/2021 18:32

Stop feeling guilty.

You ended it with good reason.

He is abusing you and the DC still now, he probably did whilst you were together too. Good men are not controlling, don't interrogate their DC and don't stalk their exes.

RandomMess · 31/05/2021 18:34

I would actually tell the police and even social services that you are concerned about family annihilation as his anger, threats and stalking are escalating.

Hurr8cane84 · 31/05/2021 18:35

This is very scary stuff. I think you should:

report to the police
lock down your social media and share as little as possible on it. Not just to hide new relationship but that NO ONE can tell where you are at a given time I.e. photos at the park etc
change/upgrade the locks and make sure everything is always locked up securely
keep secret any new relationships and male friends from the children, at least for a while. I actually really think you are in danger and should take precautions.

AnotherKrampus · 31/05/2021 19:12

Yep report to the police. and no, he isn't going to kill himself. And if he did then that would be on him and not you. If anything, his ilk is more likely to harm you and possibly your children. Please do not minimise his very dangerous behaviour to yourself or others.

Royalbloo · 31/05/2021 19:23

Please phone these guys - I wrote a much longer post but it wouldn't go through. They will explain the risks you are currently exposed to. Stop caring more about him than he does is my no1 piece of advice

TurquoiseDragon · 31/05/2021 19:28

Also, if possible get your devices, pcs, etc check for any spyware, etc.

BrumCahoots · 31/05/2021 19:33

Total dick .. my ex did this .. threatened to kill himself in front of the kids .. ignore him .. no way will he do that . But definitely change all your email passwords ... mine sent me some link which let him into all my emails .. everything .. lock it all down.

chickenyhead · 31/05/2021 19:44

Are your children safe with him? Has he ever assaulted you? Have there been any recent gifts to the DC which could include a hidden camera? Does he have access to your computer remotely?

I would be at the police station.

His behaviour matches that of a family annihilator. It's all about you, the kids are incidental to him.

Royalbloo · 31/05/2021 20:06

Royalbloo · 31/05/2021 20:18

So sorry it wouldn't post and now has posted twice - apologies x

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 31/05/2021 20:21

Thank you all for the support and advice. There have been so many occasions I thought he might do something to us or the kids when with him, just a feeling if that makes sense.

My dad committed suicide, however he had tried to come home to spend time with us prior to this but my mam wouldn't allow it. I thought I married the opposite of my dad, but looks like I didn't

How can I be so blind and not see how bad the situation is

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 31/05/2021 20:21

thank you royalbloo I appreciate

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 31/05/2021 20:24

assault, years ago in our relationship during alcohol fuelled arguing on both sides. He pushed me when marriage was over to get my phone off me.

He has left things and written a note with abuse on it in my bin for me to find, I didn't mention it at the time but I did weeks later and he had a look on his face, like a flash between anger and I caught you that terrified me

OP posts:

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