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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling left out by boyfriends family

36 replies

KMac1997 · 31/05/2021 09:30

I could just be over reacting but it’s starting to hurt. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, lived together for 2 and have a beautiful 7 month old son. We met through mutual friends and he is the love of my life, our relationship is amasing. When we first got together I came to stay at his mothers house and his older brother and his then pregnant girlfriend lived there also. The brothers girlfriend caused a lot of drama, she had her child’s christening on my birthday (it was booked with 2 days notice..) myself and my boyfriend had planned to away to stay at a hotel that weekend as my birthday was on the Saturday and we had told them that we were going away on the Wednesday and on the Thursday she booked her sons christening for the Saturday and made my boyfriend the God Father and made a scene that he can’t miss his christening so we cancelled the stay away.. at the christening she got herself very very drunk and started telling me how I am not part of the family and she is and I should never take my boyfriend away from his family.. I was not trying to do any such thing, we were going away for my birthday. Few months had went past of not speaking to eachother and avoiding eachother then my partners mother made us make up as she won’t have awkwardness under her roof.. baring in mind she was drunk when she made us apologise to eachother as they were away to a “gin day” at a hotel and I was not invited. Now that I have my own son he never gets to see his granny because she always has the other grandson as my partners brother and girlfriend both work full-time, one does night shift in a care home and the other works in a bar until late so his mum has the other grandson 3-4 nights a week also during the day for 5 of those days. My son never gets a chance to see his granny and when we ask her (weeks in advance) to take our son for a night to give me a break as I moved 30 miles away from my parents to be with my boyfriend so I only have his mum close to me she wants him dropped off at 7pm and to be picked up again by 9am as she normally has the other grandson the next day. It’s not fair on me or my partner as we never get time together as he works 5 nights a week and I’m alone 90% of the time. His mum is always planning days out with his brothers girlfriend e.g the the farm or the zoo or out for lunch and I’m never asked to go and when I say that I’m feeling left out they shoot down my emotions and tell me I’m over reacting I just don’t know what to do anymore it’s starting to cause issues between myself and my boyfriend as I was upset about it yesterday and was crying as they had planned to go out for lunch and I wasn’t invited and when I asked if they were going I was lied to and told they weren’t going anywhere when I heard them talking about it right beside me.. my partner has also noticed it and has tried speaking to his mother about it and she yet again said I’m being “silly” and that she doesn’t have favourites. Just at a loss and feel so lonely. My son wakes up every hour and a half at night time and is clung to me all night so I never get a break and constantly run down. My own family take him when they can but I’ve a disabled younger sister and it is hard on them too. Just feel so lonely

OP posts:

Cancellingadvice · 31/05/2021 09:46

I think you just need to take things less personally. It sounds like the girlfriend and mum have a close relationship and enjoy doing things together

If your son is waking every 1.5 hours I’m not surprised that MIL doesn’t want to take him. Surely it’s up to DH to give you a break not his mum

You can always look at moving closer to your parents, if work etc allows it

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 31/05/2021 09:54

Yeah I’d be moving back to be closer to my family if I were you. The fact that your boyfriend is allowing this to go on, having moved you into their house, is not on. Fine his mum and the other girlfriend have a closer relationship but it sounds like neither of them is making an effort to have a relationship with you. Which is fine, but then you have other people in your life who DO want a relationship with you so you should prioritise them.

Your little one sounds like hard work so I’m not surprised his grandma isn’t up for having him often, it sounds like she does a lot of childcare already and is probably exhausted! But that’s no reason to be so rude and dismissive of your feelings

notapizzaeater · 31/05/2021 09:59

I'd look at moving further towards your family. Have you made 'mum' friends yet in the area ? You could start doing stuff with these now everything is opening up.

EscapeTheCastle · 31/05/2021 10:09

You must build up your own life away from this family. You could start making plans to move back to be nearer your own family and then build things back up to make your life more supported and then you will feel more emotionally cared for.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/05/2021 10:13

I think helping with childcare for work is very different from providing childcare because you want a night alone with your boyfriend. They are providing for their child by working.

Your BF should take a nightshift if you need a break, it’s not down to his mum to do it. Presumably you are still on maternity leave so no work to go to etc.

BluebellsGreenbells · 31/05/2021 10:15

I had this as well. SIL baby was at GP house constantly and mine never got a look in. Their loss not mine.

OppsUpsSide · 31/05/2021 10:17

I think you need to accept it and make a life for yourself that doesn’t rely on them, imagine going out with people who don’t want you there, it would be worse than not going at all. You can’t make people like you.

rollonsummeryay · 31/05/2021 10:17

7pm - 9am isn't that bad? It's still a break.

As for the distance 30 miles isn't that much between your family make more effort to see them?

Everyday21 · 31/05/2021 10:23

I don't think it's fair of you to expect her to do child are for you. She is doing child are while your sil is working which is totally different

Also some people have better bonds and relationships. That can't be helped. You need to make some friends of your own who you can spend time with while your boyfriend has the little one.

Pinot4evs · 31/05/2021 10:25

You need to make your own friends in the area and not depend on his family. They don’t owe you a relationship, it’s sad they don’t include you and invite you on days out but it seems they don’t want that kind of relationship with you. Do you go to baby classes? There a great place to meet other mums and form friendships.

PhillipPhillop · 31/05/2021 10:26

Try not to get upset over their bond, they like each other and like spending time together. Why would you want to be included? The girlfriend has made her feelings about you perfectly clear, it would be rotten to spend hours in their company. You are obviously overwhelmed at the moment so why isn't your dh picking up some slack at the weekends and giving you a break? Do you drive? 30 miles is nothing for a day trip or overnighter if you need some family company.

PhillipPhillop · 31/05/2021 10:29

Also let your dp take your child to mil's. Give you some me-time and you won't have to hear them bitching and arranging things.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 31/05/2021 10:30

So your ‘MIL’ prefers her other son’s gf? Neither of them sound like kind or friendly people so why would you want to spend more time with them? Childcare from family is a gift not an expectation, ultimately she is the one who lose out by not having such a lose relationship with your child. Leave them to it, move closer to the people who appreciate and help you.

soapboxqueen · 31/05/2021 10:30

You don't have a right to expect childcare but it's sad if you dc don't get to have a relationship with their grandparents because they are so focused on other dgc.

You should just live your life as if you don't live near your partner's family. As others have said, start planning to move closer to your own family. They obviously don't want to include you and that can feel hurtful but it's their loss and the only person you are hurting by continuing to try and create a relationship is you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/05/2021 10:32

Stop.

Stop comparing your relationship to SILs relationship with your PILs.

I bet my house on the fact that your OH is not the family favourite, that his DB is actively MILs golden child.

How do I know? Because it's a family dynamic as old as time and I too am with the 'lesser' child (in my own family I am the lesser child). I moved away from my family to solve my own issues. But I spent a bit too much time trying to 'fix' things with my PILs.

DH and I were much happier once we just accepted the imbalance and lived our own lives.

Step away. Live as though they don't exist or matter - as in don't ever hope that they may offer a helping hand. Be independent, self directed and ignore the silliness.

Livelovebehappy · 31/05/2021 10:33

It’s between you and your DH to ensure the workload is split between you with night care for your dc. I think it’s unreasonable to think DCs mum should have your dc overnight, just because you feel they should. In my friendship and family circle it’s very rare for grandparents to have dgc overnight. Mine did it once for my dc, and that was when I had to go into hospital suddenly when DH was working away. So many new mums these days expect their parents to share in raising their children. It’s nice of parents to invest so much time in being with dgc, but it’s their choice, their life’s, and shouldn’t be expectation.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 31/05/2021 10:34

Grow up the lot of you!
It's not a competition and you choose to move and chose to start a family knowing you did not have much support.

HerMammy · 31/05/2021 10:34

Why be upset at not spending time with people who have made clear their dislike for you?
Can your DS go to nursery 1 or 2 days to give you a break?
Also your family is 30 miles away, that’s a short drive.

Mumdiva99 · 31/05/2021 10:34

Have you arranged a day out with your bf and invited the mil along? She might feel that you only ever ask her to have your son when it's fir baby sitting. Do you and your bf invite pil over for a bbq or lunch or cake? Until you also make some effort you can't complain that they don't invite you on their trips out.

socalledfriend · 31/05/2021 10:35

@PhillipPhillop

Also let your dp take your child to mil's. Give you some me-time and you won't have to hear them bitching and arranging things.

Agree with this. You sound as though you are quite young OP? You don't need to have anything more than a civil relationship with boyfriends family. They don't sound very nice so it's hard to understand why you would want to be close to them or spend time with them.

It does sound as though your boyfriend isn't doing his share of childcare.

Livelovebehappy · 31/05/2021 10:35

DP’s mum

MzHz · 31/05/2021 10:37

What a mess!

Still, you will have known what you were getting into and still chose to stick with it.

His family sound awful!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/05/2021 10:42

7-9 with a baby who wakes every 90 minutes is pretty generous, especially considering she will be having another child the following day.

I also find it hard to believe that she managed to book and organise a christening in 2 days. Maybe there were some crossed wires there?

They have a close relationship, you don't. It sucks but that's the way it goes sometimes unfortunately.

Youll just have to continue to be self sufficient and stop comparing.

CindyTrevaskis · 31/05/2021 10:42

This is going to sound bitchy, but you are extremely lucky that she will take your DC for a whole night! I mean wow. I have never had a day or night away from my DC because of EBF. You are extremely lucky, an overnight is very generous to be honest. (We also wake up every hour to feed so I do get how you’re feeling here).

If you need a break it’s not down to your MIL or anyone else, it’s down to your partner. They need to be supporting you through a break.

It does sound as though they’re leaving you out of activities and that is harsh. Have you tried inviting them to an activity? Have you tried contacting you NIL and asking her if she’d like to do a day out with you? Or are you just expecting her to look after DC?

Giantrooster · 31/05/2021 10:47

I think you should try to turn it into a posive to you, if you can.

I'm sure if you spend more time with sil and mil the situation would escalate, what you hope is probably a dream.

Therefore look at your situation how can you improve it? Your dp stepping up? Letting him do all contact with his family? As soon as you realize they won't be there to help you and would probably make it worse, the better you can go for good, helpful solutions.

Of course it stings, of course you're jealous, but when you recognize that build your own life, your little family, and move closer to yours. If your dp complains tell him you need positivity, help and not drunk drama.

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