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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to take a lower paying job

29 replies

TheValeyard · 31/05/2021 09:11

I've been with the same employer for almost twenty years, and in the last few years have been taking on increased levels of management responsibility. About three years ago, I was seconded out to work on a project when my line manager became ill and had to take a leave of absence, and when I returned I was asked to cover his role. This situation continued without resolution until late last year, when my manager left our service and I was offered the vacant role. I was very reluctant, but took up the offer, and have spent every day since wishing I hadn't.

I have come to the conclusion I am very ill-suited to management. There is so much to keep an eye on, and the management of staff itself just drains me. The last year has been extremely hard with the staff dispersed and working from home, and our role in the pandemic has meant a huge amount of extra and challenging work. I have a good relationship with our staff and with my management, and it is a good place to work, but I just think I am wrong for the role.

I hardly ever have a good night's sleep, and often wake up in a state of panic. I am extremely anxious the whole time - I spend Sunday nights in a state of dread about the coming week, if I take a day off I spend most of it checking my work emails.

The difficulty is, the job is very well paid. If I stick at it we really have no money worries - in the last year we have been able to afford a lot of much-needed upgrades to our house, which would be very difficult to finance otherwise.

I feel I am letting my family down by even considering giving up an income which could help us so much, but feel I am in a job which is slowly crushing me.

Has anyone moved to a lower paying job for less stress/anxiety?

OP posts:
something2say · 31/05/2021 09:16

I have and I don't regret it.

Iquitit · 31/05/2021 09:21

I have too, not quite in the same league, the higher wage wasn't exactly life changing, but it made a difference.
I haven't regretted it so far, things are tighter financially but it's a price I'm willing to pay for my mental health.
My family also say I'm easier to be around and that the drop in income and not being able to do some things is worth having a family member 'back' rather than a nervous wreck.

Dogoodfeelgood · 31/05/2021 09:24

I think the last year has been really horrible and not a good reflection of a normal year. Has your company been working from home? I’ve found that really awful and bad for anxiety as I realise I do need that face to face time to reassure myself that all is well. If your company is planning on going back to some office time - even if it’s flexi - I’d hold on until then incase you discover that a lot of your work related stress was situational to covid and lockdowns, rather than you not being suited for the role.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 31/05/2021 09:28

I could’ve written your post 4 years ago op. I bit the bullet, Traded money for stress free time and I’ve never looked back.

TheValeyard · 31/05/2021 09:32

Has your company been working from home?

Yes, we've been working from home since last March, with only limited use of the office since then. We will return in some form, but I think it will be a mix of home and office working going forward.

It was last December that I took the role on a formal basis (as opposed to a temporary acting up) and I thought if I could get some recruitment done I would get some peace of mind, but my own mental state just seems to be getting worse.

OP posts:
shivawn · 31/05/2021 09:35

Mental health is more important, if you're not sleeping at night then that's a serious mental stresser. Could you consider a lateral move to another company? That might be a better environment without taking the drop in income.

How big of a drop would you be looking at to move down?

JingleCatJingle · 31/05/2021 09:36

Are you me?
You only live one life. Find a job that gives you better balance.

MrsAudreyAlfredRobertsOBEHmm · 31/05/2021 09:38

I did. Best move I've ever made
Please look after yourself, that's the real thing that matters

well23456 · 31/05/2021 09:39

I'm another one who eventually worked out that I wasn't suited to management and have much better mental health now I've downgraded my job. Whilst the extra income would be nice, I much prefer less disposable income but also a less stressful life.

TheValeyard · 31/05/2021 09:40

There is a vacant post in our service which I would be really suited for - it is project work which is my specialty, wouldn't involve management of staff, and I could remain working with colleagues I like (but wouldn't have to manage them).

The downside is the salary is lower by almost one third.

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 31/05/2021 09:41

I have a good relationship with our staff and with my management, and it is a good place to work, but I just think I am wrong for the role.

How much support and training have you had for moving into this role? Have you spoken to your line manager about how you are coping with the workload? If it's a good company to work for then they should have in place mechanisms to help someone adjust to a new role? What would make life easier? Do you need new tools to manage the work more effectively? Do you need to delegate more work?

This year has not been typical, and just because you've struggled this year doesn't mean you always will. Set up strict boundaries and protect your own time, it will not help the company if you collapse with stress which it sounds like you might if you continue the way you are. It is only work and it can and will cope without you if you take annual leave/don't check in at the weekend.

CastleCrasher · 31/05/2021 09:44

In short, choose mental health above money. BUT. First consider whether you actually need to choose. Are you really unsuited to management, or is it just this role - or is the role itself badly set up and needs to change? Have a think about whether you could change the role, or change jobs at the same level first. Only if/when you've decided that that's not an option should you step down- don't automatically assume its your only option (even if in the end it's the one you choose!)

EverythingRuined · 31/05/2021 09:46

There is nothing wrong at all with taking a lower paid job but I wonder if you should explore why you are feeling so stressed over it. Maybe a few counselling sessions would be useful. I also wonder if a little of the stress is COVID related and that that might reduce rapidly as your workplace returns to normal.

I’d 100% take good mental health over a fancy salary.

Good luck OP.

Koyto · 31/05/2021 09:49

Similar story to you OP, I spent 10 years in management that although helped finance the home, has sucked precious time away from my children and added pressure to my relationship with my exP.
I've always pushed myself in my careers but lockdown gave me time to think what's the point? I've sacrificed time away from my children, damaged my mental and physical health, and seriously neglected my relationships with friends, family and partner.

My career and work has defined me my whole life, downgrading my position has been a struggle from a purely shallow point of view- I am nothing in the workplace now, I've had to swallow my pride a bit as now I'm managed by someone who was my management collegue .. but I do my shifts and go home, no answering emails or calls 24/7 or having to cover shifts last minute. I paid off all my debts with my last bonus check from the management position but I have to budget to the penny every week, I do miss a regular salary!
A year in July I stepped down, I'm still trying to find me, I've always been the boss and the leader, it's hard recalibrating my life but I'll get there, I still believe I did the right thing and I doubt I will ever go back to management. I often catch myself noticing there is no knot of anxiety in my stomach anymore and it's lovely, it had just been part of my body for the last 20 years 😂

TheValeyard · 31/05/2021 09:52

It is a good place to work and I get on very well with my line manager.

But....

My line manager is really bad at saying 'no', so we end up taking on much more than we can cope with. I don't believe our service is well structured (my previous manager restructured the service, which I had to complete when I started - although I didn't get any say in the actual structure).

COVID and lockdown have certainly increased the stress, but even before that I was struggling with the role and not sleeping (although at the time I was covering two roles - my substantive job and the manager's role). I was on anti-depressants for most of 2019, and they did help me sleep, but had side effects.

OP posts:
PinkPlantCase · 31/05/2021 09:57

I would take a view in where I was in my career. It might be hard to continue to progress especially with this company if they see you taking a step backwards, equally if the future on your CV you’d have to be careful how you describe this.

It depends if you think you could view what’s happening at the moment as temporary and look to adapt your role/move into something else that doesn’t involve a pay cut. I know I’ve worked my balls off in a job that didn’t make me happy because it was a really useful stepping stone to something that was better (and much less stressful).

Though I’m coming from this as a person in their late 20s so my head is very much in progression mode!! If progressing isn’t a priority and it 100% doesn’t have to be then the new role sounds like it would give you a much easier life.

If you do go for it though you’d probably have some room for negotiation on the salary, unless it’s public sector and fixed bands. Try and spin it about what someone with your level of seniority outdo bring to the role that someone else couldn’t.

FoxyBadger · 31/05/2021 10:03

@TheValeyard my DH was in this position earlier this year. He'd found himself forced into a managerial position he didn't really choose ( he's a technical/engineering specialist really). They just paid him more and more to do it he couldn't refuse but it was making him ill and very difficult to live with.
He's always been hands on with DC and had a really good relationship with them but he was snappy, tired and just not nice to be around as he wasn't sleeping and constantly taking work calls or reading emails.
He was seriously ill a few years ago and I was really worried for his health.
In the end he got another job. Yes, a third less salary/less benefits but I feel like we got him back.
He sleeps, he eats, he laughs and jokes and is present and part of family again
He stressed about the money obviously but if you can live on lower salary without the stress then do it. If you are unhappy, distracted, etc those around you will suffer too.
I looked at it as we had some extra money and it was nice but we can live on what we have now and DH does not regret it at all.

Findwen · 31/05/2021 10:14

If the root cause is your manager accepting more work than you & your team can do... can you start to put some work planner together ? So for example when your manager next drops some additional work you can respond with:

I am currently on project X until the 17th
Jane is doing project Y until the 10th
Dave & Lucy are on project Z until the 21st

We can take on the new work, which of X,Y & Z should we stop and delay the completion of ?

Hugbear · 31/05/2021 11:01

A friend of mine changed jobs and took a £60k cut in salary. She was on the brink of a breakdown and prioritised her health over money. Says it was the best decision ever as she witnessed a wealthy, high flying member of her family having a massive heart attack due to work stress.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/05/2021 11:06

Does it have to be a drastic drop? Could you ask for a slight reduction and have someone take over some of your tasks who is suited to that work. My husband would never go back to managing staff, its for more time consuming than he realised.

YukiCarrot · 31/05/2021 11:09

You only have one life. Don't let it be made miserable by work if you can survive on less money. Not worth it at all.

newnortherner111 · 31/05/2021 11:11

I did, and still am in the same role 9 years later and am much better for it.

moanyhole · 31/05/2021 11:18

Im in the exact same position OP. It is a care home, I am never off duty, anything can happen at any time. My DH keeps telling me to jump ship, and that money isn't everything. I am interviewing for a new role this week, I would love the job but the finances mean that although we could cover the overheads, we would struggle for extras like an annual holiday and saving for the future with 3 kids to educate.
If I take the new role I'd be far far less stressed but far happier. The guilt of it affecting the family finances though is getting to me. Haing said that I don't think I can sustain this current position in the long term.

TheValeyard · 31/05/2021 12:30

If I take the new role I'd be far far less stressed but far happier. The guilt of it affecting the family finances though is getting to me. Haing said that I don't think I can sustain this current position in the long term.

This is it in a nutshell. If I stick at this level then essentially we have no money worries - we can afford to get the house done up, to think about holidays, to put plenty aside for when DCs are older. If I drop down a level then we would still be comfortable, but no more than that.

The worst thing is that my state of mind at the moment is affecting my performance - I'm really forgetful, I struggle to keep on top of my to-do list, I feel very withdrawn and find it difficult to communicate. This isn't fair on my team either.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 31/05/2021 12:35

I'm not saying don't do it, and great that there's an opportunity that appeals to you - but your company has promoted you into a management role - have they offered training or coaching to help you do the new role to the best of your abilities?

If not, is that worth negotiating?

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