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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is normal for teens to "prefer" friends to family?

48 replies

malificent7 · 31/05/2021 00:18

And in fact it is healthy?
My dad thinks ot is weird that dd(12..13 in June) prefers spending time with her friends than me (and him). I think it's normal. She adores her grand father but her 12 year old mate is more exciting atm. Normal right?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 31/05/2021 00:19

Dad is 75 and not into Amy Winehouse/ Aich/ AJ Tracey/ Eminem.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 31/05/2021 00:22

Of course that's normal.

I'd hope she's still happy to spend time with you and him but there'll be an increasing sense of duty and obligation about it.

What were you like in your teens? Has he forgotten?

Original poster
malificent7 · 31/05/2021 00:26

My dad never quite accepted my teen years (bless him ) and I never had many friends. I'm thrilled that dd has loads of friends.
Today his dp asked me how i feel about dd having lots of friends that she puts first Confused.

OP posts:
Maria53 · 31/05/2021 00:27

Totally normal. For point of reference, my own grandad totally understood this and encouraged me to spend time with friends as much as possible.

Original poster
malificent7 · 31/05/2021 00:29

Fir some reason my family is very worried that dd has lots of friends. I had v few and it was damaging.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 31/05/2021 00:29

For*

OP posts:
paralysedbyinertia · 31/05/2021 00:42

I don't think it has to be a choice? My teenage dd loves spending time with her grandparents and chooses to hang out with me and her dad quite a lot as well. However, she also loves the company of her friends and obviously wants to spend plenty of time with them as well. It isn't really about which she prefers, it's about finding the right balance.

paralysedbyinertia · 31/05/2021 00:44

@malificent7

Fir some reason my family is very worried that dd has lots of friends. I had v few and it was damaging.
What are they worried about, exactly? Having lots of friends is obviously a good thing. Does she still see her grandparents sometimes?
Original poster
malificent7 · 31/05/2021 00:49

Not so much because of COVID...also they don't give her much notice..fot example will turn up unanonced then wonder why she is out with xxx rather than at home.
I dont think they can accept that she has her own social life ( somehow a terrible threat) .

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safclass · 31/05/2021 01:18

It is actually a part of growing up, wanting independence and pulling away feom parents and devloping their own friends set. Read any book on child development and it will say totally normal. I think as long as they will spend time with family tbats ok

paralysedbyinertia · 31/05/2021 01:25

@malificent7

Not so much because of COVID...also they don't give her much notice..fot example will turn up unanonced then wonder why she is out with xxx rather than at home. I dont think they can accept that she has her own social life ( somehow a terrible threat) .
Well, if they don't tell her that they're coming, then it isn't necessarily the case that she prefers her friends company. No teenager is going to sit around at home waiting just in case their grandparents decide to pop round. That's absurd.

My mum and dad are very respectful of dd's friendships and other interests and they understand that she has lots of pulls on her time. Maybe that's why she still likes to hang out with them?

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/05/2021 01:28

Totally normal.
Mine has come back around and phones me for a chat most days, but when she was 13 I was lucky to get a grunt!

Original poster
malificent7 · 31/05/2021 01:29

I think thats why dd struggles..dd ( and his dp) have no idea about making dates.

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 31/05/2021 01:41

I hated taking friends home as a teen.
My Mum would start fussing and bring a hostess instead of just leaving us alone to raid the fridge if we wanted.
I never did that to Dd, if I was cooking I'd put the food on plates and text her to come and get it.
My mother would appear at my door with a selection of biscuits on a fancy ate with a doily.Hmm

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/05/2021 01:42

Plate, not ate!

Original poster
malificent7 · 31/05/2021 01:47

My fsmy seem to expect 100% cohesion. I think as my dad' dp comes from another, more family orientatesdsociety they are.not used to western independance.

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Aebj · 31/05/2021 01:56

Very normal to spend time with friends. When ds 1 was a young teen he spent many hours at the skate park with his friends. I liked the fact he was out and active, than sat at home !! He’s home more now as he’s just started his ATAR ( like A level) exams but will still spend a couple of hours at the weekend with his friends

Cameleongirl · 31/05/2021 03:05

We’ve experienced something similar with DH’s sisters, now in their mid-40’s-early 50’s. They can’t seem to understand why DD( 16) isn’t very interested in spending time with them, whereas she loved it as a younger child. To me it’s blindingly obvious-she’s a teenager! Why would she want to hang out with middle-aged women when she’s got plenty of friends her own age? DD isn’t rude, she’s just not hugely interested... I also suspect it has something to do with my SIL not fully accepting that they’re now viewed as middle-aged. 😂

Juanbablo · 31/05/2021 05:42

It is really normal and I think it's great that they can spend time together again after so many months being so restricted. My 13 yo cycled over to his great Nan's this weekend to mow her lawns and have a chat. So I think we have a decent balance.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 05:52

Oh sure, it's normal. Older kids have a big job ahead of them, in slowly pulling away from their parents and becoming adults. The importance of their friendships to them is a healthy step towards this.

I mean, I'm sure many people have also stayed close to their families of origin as tweens and teens instead and turned out just fine too. But what you've described sounds pretty typical to me.

CoalCraft · 31/05/2021 05:57

Of course it's completely normal. At that age family are uncool, boring and probably a bit embarrassing! Grin

As long as she is still polite and respectful to her family and follows age-appropriate curfews, let her crack on.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet · 31/05/2021 06:23

Ihavebrillohair, are you my sister? My mother was like that too. She was lovely and welcoming to my friends but the hostess thing! The first time my boyfriend and I ordered a pizza she tried to take over serving it and asked if we wanted oven chips and peas with it! And when I had my uni friends over, she made two enormous plates of spam sandwiches as two of the friends were boys and she wanted to feed them. Thankfully, I managed to intercept her, explain we’d had college tea and only wanted crisps and juice.
Op, I think it’s normal your daughter likes her friends’ company. As for being available at short notice for visiting family, if she has already plans with friends she should be able to keep them. There is not one rule of fairness for adults and another for children. Also, a good rule for a well mannered person is that if you have a prior engagement, you keep it.

Original poster
malificent7 · 31/05/2021 07:38

My dad's sttep dd thinks it's weird too thst dd would rather spend time with her friends than her dd ( with whom dd has nothing in common and dislikrs,) just because they played together as kids....i dont see ot like that.

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LemonRoses · 31/05/2021 07:42

At twelve I’d have expected most time to be with family or in activities. It’s not abnormal, but I think more problems occur when peer culture dominates family culture. Twelve is quite young to be removing them self from family culture and activities for the majority of the time.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 31/05/2021 08:31

I’d say it’s normal. I’m nearly 50 and much prefer the company of my friends than a lot of my family!

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