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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is normal for teens to "prefer" friends to family?

48 replies

malificent7 · 31/05/2021 00:18

And in fact it is healthy?
My dad thinks ot is weird that dd(12..13 in June) prefers spending time with her friends than me (and him). I think it's normal. She adores her grand father but her 12 year old mate is more exciting atm. Normal right?

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 31/05/2021 08:38

I remember chatting to a granny mother of 5 at a playgroup years ago who said she was making a real effort to spend time with her gc while young as once the hit 12 they are less interested!

We got dd a basic phone when she was about 9 and she only had grandparents on there. My dad treasured her mad texts to him as he knew in a few years it would be her friends rather than him she would be communicating with

lottiegarbanzo · 31/05/2021 08:40

Well if they can't be bothered to let you know they're coming, they'll get what they find, won't they. Do you hang around at home on the off-chance they'll turn up?

Would they be happier if she was out at chess club or dance class? Or is it about constantly being at the beck and call of family?

Was your dad driven by the same culture when you were young? You say it's his DP who drives this, was she around then? Why's it up to her and her culture how her DP's grandchild lives? That implies step-mum and some element of 'conversion' on his part, rather than more recent DP but that's not clear.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/05/2021 08:50

And do you have a DH/DP? How does he feel about their dropping in unplanned and expecting you to be there? Is he from the same culture as your dad's partner? What does he think about your DD spending time with friends? Do they respect his view / see him as part of the problem?

Coronawireless · 31/05/2021 08:59

@IHaveBrilloHair

I hated taking friends home as a teen. My Mum would start fussing and bring a hostess instead of just leaving us alone to raid the fridge if we wanted. I never did that to Dd, if I was cooking I'd put the food on plates and text her to come and get it. My mother would appear at my door with a selection of biscuits on a fancy ate with a doily.

My friend’s mum used to do this. It annoyed my friend but I loved it, it made me feel special, and I remained very fond of her mum for many years.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/05/2021 09:01

What I mean is, it reads a bit as though there's an expectation that everyone will drop everything and give attention to the senior member of the family (your dad). That sort of expectation of automatic priority for seniority is often a product of patriarchy, hence wondering where your DH fits in to this, or whether it's because you're a household of women that your own wishes are regarded as secondary to your father's.

Could be barking up the wrong tree there!

adreamofspring · 31/05/2021 10:02

Your posts are telling OP. You said you didn’t have many friends and that your dad expects to turn up unannounced and have her there waiting, not having a life, just in case he pops round. You were in a controlling family and some how have still managed to raise a socially confident, independent daughter. Well done you! Don’t listen to them.

pilates · 31/05/2021 10:09

Yes very normal and healthy

gobackanddoitproperly · 31/05/2021 10:12

Yes normal and quite lovely when the friends are lovely. I used to hate sleepovers when they were little. Now I love them and always say yes to them. They shut themselves in their room and eat crap and giggle and occasionally come out to make a cake only to eat the batter. It's very sweet.

gobackanddoitproperly · 31/05/2021 10:13

That's my girls, obviously. My son talks remotely to his friends. They never clap eyes on each other outside of school.

georgarina · 31/05/2021 10:14

Totally normal, healthy and a good thing!

It's also nice to have scheduled family time and 1-on-1 time to do things together ie shopping, get nails done etc - but not abnormal at all to prefer spending time with friends on the whole.

And I don't get the turning up unannounced...do they apply the same rules for themselves or is it only everyone else who has to wait around in case they decide to pop by?

theleafandnotthetree · 31/05/2021 10:18

I think what you describe is totally normal. It is a transition for the extended family for sure, who see the child less frequently so are confronted with the change more sharply. Covid restructions have compounded things, I know my mum and dad ans sister find my now teenage children strange beasts indeed after barely seeing then for 1.5 years. I think so long as there is no obvious rudeness, that an occasional effort is made, then you have to let your children build their own life and networks outside of their family. Pushing closeness that is not felt naturally on them is likely to have the opposite effect than that intended.

Ozanj · 31/05/2021 10:23

Not necessarily as normal for other ethnic groups. In both my backgrounds we’d expect children to make time for both family and friends, and in many cases friends are also extended family members. But family time always has priority & time with friends is planned around that.

Original poster

malificent7 · 31/05/2021 10:28

His dp is from an ethnic group and lived with ger dd till she met my dad 8 years ago so it could be that.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 31/05/2021 10:29

Your kids are your family -I wouldn’t care too much about what two people who don’t live with you have to say about it! My 12 year old loves her grandparents but loves spending time with her friends. If my parents behaved like yours, they could end up wit DD actively avoiding them because they are so odd!

newnortherner111 · 31/05/2021 10:38

Normal definitely, whether I think it is healthy would probably be based on a judgment about their friends.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/05/2021 11:32

Completely normal. Thankfully our DD grandparents understood this. We had more of a problem with friends of ours who had a son a similar age (that my two didn’t particularly gel with) and they thought it was incredibly rude that DDs would be out when they came round. I would warn them in case the son wanted to stay at home ... I remember the mum once replying to my text “it’s odd that you allow them to go out when you have guests, can you insist they stay in”. They were friends of mine, not DDs!!

Original poster

malificent7 · 31/05/2021 13:24

My friend thinks dd is horrid for not wanting to see her dd ( her dd is horrid to me dd).

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 31/05/2021 17:20

The thing is I do wish dd would make time for family but she point blank refuses too at times...she dosnt feel comfortable around step family as they pressure her to ' 'play' with their dc. I find it awkward too. Why cant the adults just let the kids be?
Im torn...i'm embarassed that dd refuses to come to family events but i do get it is her choice and i want her to have boundaries.

OP posts:

Lindy2 · 31/05/2021 17:28

My DD has just turned 13 and after months at home during lockdown has definitely hit the stage of wanting to be out with friends most of the time.

I'm not finding it easy but it is perfectly normal and actually as she has struggled to make friends in the past it is nice to see her having a proper social circle.

I'm glad she wanted to join us visiting her granny yesterday but I know that most of the time I'm just a rather embarrassing mum.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/05/2021 17:30

Well it would be easier for her to plan to spend a certain amount of time with family, if she knew when she could expect to see them. Rather than them presuming upon her time. Would make it easier for you to work with her and agree that she commits to specified family occasions too.

callmemaybee · 31/05/2021 18:09

Of course it’s normal!

I’m early 20s and still prefer my friends to my family. I don’t expect that to change any time soon. Perhaps when I’m significantly older like 30s

theleafandnotthetree · 31/05/2021 18:10

@malificent7

The thing is I do wish dd would make time for family but she point blank refuses too at times...she dosnt feel comfortable around step family as they pressure her to ' 'play' with their dc. I find it awkward too. Why cant the adults just let the kids be? Im torn...i'm embarassed that dd refuses to come to family events but i do get it is her choice and i want her to have boundaries.

I have children who kick back against too much extended family time too. I don't think it has to be either or. Certain events or obligations are simply non negotiable, they are expected to go and be at least nominally pleasant. The number of these is limited in my case and I am absolutely not adverse to the old bit of emotional blackmail if needs be. But I don't really need to use it because I don't ask much of them and deep down they know it. I definitely wouldn't be making them be fake friends with peers within their step family but again, the politeness I would expect them to show anyone would be expected there too. All sensible people know that there is an age and stage where children stop being friends with people just because they happen to be the same age as them and of course it can be awkward, most of us have had that with our friends children. No harm in noting that with your family, in a very gentle way

HotChocolateLover · 31/05/2021 18:23

We barely see DS and DSD hasn’t been to see us in over a year (nothing to do with pandemic, she’s just too busy with her boyfriend) we just meet with her for lunch and chat on the phone. As for DSS, he still comes in person every two weeks but he’s only 11. The older two are 17 and 18. All perfectly normal I’d say.

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