To feel so sad every time she changes? * (Title changed at OP's request)

[Putthebiglighton]

First time mum to my only Dd toddler (fertility issues, won’t be able to have more)
I just feel so sad with each phase she goes through, if that makes sense? Like when she was tiny, it was like she was another person, then this slightly different personality Forbes and now I can see her growing into the next phase and her toddlerhood almost coming to an end. It just hurts my heart and I wish I could hold onto every one of those phases 😔

She's right at the start of her journey enjoy it. You can't stop time so you might as well embrace each new phase.

Life is just a series of stages.

It's bittersweet, isn't it? It's amazing to see them grow and develop but also a little heart wrenching at times, and time passes so quickly.

A friend of mine struggled to get and stay pregnant and now she has a son she often describes similar feelings. I think the strength of such feelings will be a by product of that struggle...

How do you know she’s the only person who has lost a child?

Because I'm not psychic.

OP has been bullied into reporting her own thread. If a thread title is upsetting, do as I do and don't open it or select the hide button. We all knew what OP meant.

@Definately

I did feel like this until I realised I enjoyed every stage much more than the last. I thought I'd be devastated not to have my little toddler holding my hand with his little chubby hand to feed the ducks. But it turned out having a 4 year old chattering about the ducks is actually hilarious sometimes. What they lose in chubby cuteness they make up for a thousand times in personality. And when you can reason with them it's like a whole new brilliant stage of life begins because yes often their logical is somewhat iffy but you learn a lot seeing things through their eyes and you're not physically lugging them about/lifting them off the floor after a tantrum/wrestling them into bed etc anymore.

Oh gosh why did I cry reading this! DS is still a toddler and i think the chubby hand bit got me.

OP we can't help how we feel, but try not to lose track of the present whilst glancing back.

I understand how you feel, I get upset when my son achieves new, ‘completes’ a stage etc as it means he is another step closer to being a grown up, moving out, not needing me. I hate missing anything he does as I missed his babyhood, so I do know why I feel that way.

The rational side of me knows its a bit stupid.

@WhatAWasteOfOranges Yes, I think it must be that if many others are not feeling it as strongly.

@Peppapeg The chubby hand bit made my cry too, clearly an emotional mess for some reason atm!

I understand and have felt that way too OP. It is a bittersweet feeling. But I can usually turn it back into gratitude for having my DC in the first place. I didn't want it to spoil my time with her, so I made a conscious effort to be grateful rather than down about it. Hope you can turn it around too.

[quote Putthebiglighton]@threeteenstaximum Thank you, you’re so right with so much of that. I completely grateful as never thought I’d even have a child, 9 years and many losses, emergency ectopic, ivf etc and I know I’m lucky, I definitely wasn’t that for a long time.
I’m very careful not to stifle my Dd though or to pass that feeling on, she’s very independent and pretty wilful 🤣I’m proud of each stage she passes and encourage that. This is just my very private struggle really which no one knows or would guess I felt this way at times.[/quote]
OP, that's great that you enjoy each stage your DD is going through. You've spoken about a very difficult experience for you, and there will be a fb support group or web or local support group that will understand where you are coming from too to help with that private struggle around fertility and not being able to have more children when you would have liked that and waited so long for DD and her childhood, like all childhoods goes so fast when you stop and look back.

I appreciate how you acknowledged that you hadn't quite meant to trigger any other parent who had lost a child, baby or had different tragic or upsetting experience, you were just trying to find the words to describe something that is hurting you and that maybe you need a bit of help so that you don't feel alone in your thoughts and keep yourself healthy really. It's not wrong to feel how you do because you are owning it and trying to clarify your thoughts out loud and get some perspective on them so it doesn't impact on you or your DD

@Needanedittbuton

How do you know she’s the only person who has lost a child?

Because I'm not psychic.

OP has been bullied into reporting her own thread. If a thread title is upsetting, do as I do and don't open it or select the hide button. We all knew what OP meant.

Report posts you feel are bullying. It isn’t bullying to point out that the op’s choice of words was massively insensitive.

Evening all,

We're just letting you know that we've changed the title of this thread, at the OP's request - she absolutely hadn't intended to cause any offence and has apologised.

Hopefully the thread will be able to get back on track now.

Many thanks.

I know what you mean OP.

I am so proud of my dc and its amazing seeing them grow and learn. Dd10 had me laughing so much today talking about school and its great to be able to share favourite films and tv programmes and have them read books to me.

But when I see photos or videos of them when they are toddlers and so little it feels like they were a different person because they have changed so much. I get an ache to go back and have another chance to hug that little one.

You have so much to look forward to though OP you don't just lose something when they change and develop you gain so much more as well.

They’ve responded to my request to change the title, it’s now changed.
I actually think this quote/book extract I’ve been thinking about may have stuck in my head a little when I was wording my text.

Ok MNers
OP has reported her own title to get it changed

Please don't derail the thread
She didn't mean it like that
She was expressing her feelings which are about a whole load of loss to get to the stage she had her DD
And how she feels having had a long fertility road to get to point she had her DD

She is not belittling anyone else's experiences and has already said that was unintended

Let's be our lovely MN selves and anyone else who has gone down same road or who hasn't and can empathise, please give her some encouraging understanding

Oooh , good MNHQ comment. I had cross posted

Good to see thread back on track for a mum that has reached out

I think your feelings are extremely validated. My first child was born sleeping at 34 weeks and I never thought I'd be able to put myself through pregnancy again.. But my miracle baby came and she's here and every day she lightens up my life. Her baby years went in a flash and there are certain moments I wished I could relive again but I'm so incredibly proud of how far she's come and what she has to look forward to in her life. I think you need to turn your negativity around and find the positives from the situation. She's here, happy, and healthy and has you as her mother. Don't look back.. Just look forward.

@threeteenstaximum Thanks so much for being so kind, I’m not usually this upset about it tbh, it’s just sort of there at the back of my mind usually. The crazy thing is I find the first months so difficult with colic etc and don’t think I’d actually want to go back in reality, but a strange yearning is sometimes there.

@Pebbledashery I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 I can’t undying how difficult that must have been.
You’re right, it’s better to focus on the future and her possibilities, which I’m definitely excited for. I think if I knew I could have another it might change things

*Can’t imagine

Watching your kids grown and develop and progress is a privilege denied to many, OP.

Enjoy the changes and the learning and the new tricks.

I feel a twinge of regret every time mine move from one stage to another, but in general I’m excited to see where it will lead.

OP - the quite from JR'S novel is beautiful.

I have one DD. She's 16 now, just left school and starts her first job tomorrow (a summer job in a deli before Sixth Form in Sept). She's proud of herself, nervous, looking to me for reassurance. The important thing is that I am there for her For her first steps, her first day at nursery/school/brownies/college - you name it, I'm there. As you will be for your child.

quote not quite (hence my user name)!