To feel so sad every time she changes? * (Title changed at OP's request)

[Putthebiglighton]

First time mum to my only Dd toddler (fertility issues, won’t be able to have more)
I just feel so sad with each phase she goes through, if that makes sense? Like when she was tiny, it was like she was another person, then this slightly different personality Forbes and now I can see her growing into the next phase and her toddlerhood almost coming to an end. It just hurts my heart and I wish I could hold onto every one of those phases 😔

@inmyslippers She’ll start nursery in September and it looks like she’s almost out of the buggy. Those days pushing her around shopping etc won’t happen again. It’s probably because I can’t have more, might sound dramatic to some, but I literally won’t push a pram/buggy again (or with a child of mine in it at least) I waited so long but that part went so fast

I understand it op, and I’m one of the parents people are talking about that have lost a child.
When I lost dd I realised that seeing a child grow up is actually far better than the alternative, but I have loved each stage of my dc’s lives so much that I feel so nostalgic about them, sad sometimes that I can’t go back and visit the dc as they were.

I wrote this in my diary when ds1 was a toddler.

'I remember holding my newborn son curled against my chest and thinking I never wanted the newness to go away, I wanted to be able to hold him like that forever. Every time he learns something new it's an absolute joy though, I go between being excited to see his next step to wanting time to slow down so I can better savour the moment.'

I think you just used the wrong word but I know what you mean.

@IHateCoronavirus I’m so sorry for your loss, I didn’t mean to be insensitive with the title at all, apologies.
I understand, I’ve had losses also, the alternative in seeing her grow up is so incredible of course, I’d just like to repeat it I guess.

I think that’s why we evolved teenagers. So you are actually ok with it when they finally leave home.

You're going to be her Mum forever, embrace it, and the changes.
Parenting isn't just about babies.

I have one child, too, OP, and I love seeing him striding ahead into the world, figuring stuff out, becoming more independent.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I think it's really sad to view it that way, honestly You might need to speak to a professional to explore why you feel that way. It's not good for either of you.

I agree with this.

Having a sibling and a nephew who have each buried a child in the last year it's extremely hurtful, insensitively and not normal to compare with you're feeling to those of parents who a genuinely bereaved. Please get help.

OP you want to hold on to every stage because you are aware your child will grow up and no longer be little.
In the mix is that you were able to have one child and no more due to fertility issues and that might be driving a feeling of overwhelming loss for you , alongside loving your DD as she grows up too.

I'm glad you have reported your title to be changed as whilst all parents experience their children growing out of stages, whether they have one or more,( and ultimately get empty nester feelings when they leave home eventually seemingly all too quick) there are some people who lose their children through serious ill health or accidents; some people's teenagers go off the rails and become estranged ; some people can't have children at all.

What you are feeling is a heightened awareness that this is your only child when you wanted more - and it is so important that you get some support (a peer group or counselling) due to fertility issues for that, ......

Because you won't realise you might be putting that in your daughter. Plenty of only children out there that do well and their parent/s enjoy their childhood and don't regret them growing through each stage. I really feel for you, you are not alone, but I. beg you to get some support in case you accidentally and unintentionally let it slip to your child that you struggled as maybe wanted her to stay little forever: and struggle with her growing up to be more independent and all that fear can entail

No matter how many children any of us have, they are on loan to us for the time we get to parent them and help them through each stage. If we do well they will stay part of our family and have close wonderful healthy relationships with us and others if not smothered (or ignored at the other extreme) by their parents.

God yes we all miss the little cute arms and toddler cutie years but they are their own selves who grow up

I know what you mean @Putthebiglighton And YANBU.

I think you meant you feel BEREFT.

I will report your OP and see if mumsnet will change the title.

@honeyrider I wasn’t comparing at all, I’ve stated I made a mistake with the wording and have asked for it to be changed.

@littlepattilou Thank you, yes that’s what I meant. Have period today and feeling stupidly sensitive, hence this post I guess!

I think perhaps this feeling is particularly heightened as you know you will never experience it again with another child. I do have feelings of sadness as we leave each stage behind but I think it pales into insignificance in comparison to how wonderful each new stage is.

[quote Putthebiglighton]@littlepattilou Thank you, yes that’s what I meant. Have period today and feeling stupidly sensitive, hence this post I guess![/quote]
That's OK! I have reported your OP. Not in a mean way, but just to ask them to change the word from bereaved to bereft!

I've had children who grew through all of their normal stages and also one who died as a baby. Believe me, it's not even remotely the same.

I see what you mean about how they change, but isn't that part of the joy of the whole thing? There was a time when I didn't think I would ever be able to have a baby, so having the privilege of watching so many new and different stages never gets old for me. It's easy to get bogged down in the negative and what we have lost (or what has simply passed), but much more worthwhile to concentrate on what we do have.

I've loved my daughters getting older, seeing who they are becoming. Sharing things I love with them and hearing their opinions.

Oh for heaven's sake stop badgering the OP because she used a word that was not to your liking. The only bereaved parent who posted on this thread knew what OP meant and didn't take offence - she empathised.

@threeteenstaximum Thank you, you’re so right with so much of that. I completely grateful as never thought I’d even have a child, 9 years and many losses, emergency ectopic, ivf etc and I know I’m lucky, I definitely wasn’t that for a long time.
I’m very careful not to stifle my Dd though or to pass that feeling on, she’s very independent and pretty wilful 🤣I’m proud of each stage she passes and encourage that. This is just my very private struggle really which no one knows or would guess I felt this way at times.

OP
Video is your friend as is the camera

You can capture those memories every now and then of funny little things or big events/ Xmas/ birthdays in smart phone video clips - and once DC are older/ adults last the teenager "don't take my photo" stage, they'll hopefully be very glad for the early childhood years, friends event etc memories

@MsTSwift

It’s lovely and exciting that they grow up. I would be 🙄 if anyone said this in real life particularly saying you were bereaved! Drama llama behaviour

This.

@Needanedittbuton

Oh for heaven's sake stop badgering the OP because she used a word that was not to your liking. The only bereaved parent who posted on this thread knew what OP meant and didn't take offence - she empathised.

How do you know she’s the only person who has lost a child? It’s upsetting to read about someone bereaved for their baby growing up when yours won’t. It was a horrible choice of word and it’s good the op has asked to get it changed.

*I’m

My kids are older now and its quite weird to think back to those little children and feel like they dont exist anymore. Its a bit like when i think back to me being younger and in my different stages of life.

I think feeling bereaved is a bit extreme. Time marches on and so does life

I understand what you are trying to say. I also have secondary infertility and will only have one dd. Women who had as many children as they desired will not get it and tell.you you are wrong to feel like that but I understand the feeling you describe ss i have felt it often including now. You were wrong however to use the bereavement comparison as that will.upset people who have actually lost someone as that is something totally different. Perhaps ask MN to change the title. My dd goes off to study for a degree in English in September. I have mixed feelings about it. I have cherished every milestone but there was always a sense of sadness too

I get what you mean. I had my last child last year and I feel a twinge of sadness as she gets bigger and I know I won't experience that stage again. I think that's quite normal but I try not to dwell on it and I make sure I take lots of photos and videos!