Friend's action

[Macaroni46]

Last night I was having a really low moment about an ongoing, as yet unresolved, issue in my life which causes me a lot of personal pain. Im working on resolving it and usually don't burden others about it too much. I'm normally pretty cheerful and keep down moments to myself.
However, last night I was really in need of a friend. I was feeling very low and alone. So I decided to reach out to a friend via WhatsApp (she has a youngish family so didn't feel I could just call on the phone without prior warning).
She responded after a couple of hours and we exchanged messages. Turns out she's away with her family so I apologised for disturbing her but she asked if I was ok a couple of times so I did say that I was feeling very upset.
I've supported this friend a lot over the last few years whilst she negotiates her way through a very tricky marriage situation. I've listened on several occasions and been a safe haven for her, messaged her to check she's ok the next day and regularly checked in with her during lockdown etc.
Anyway, last night, we were messaging and I was saying what was making me sad. I get to a crucial point and she just disappears. No message to say I have to go now. No message later on saying sorry I had to disappear. Nothing this morning either.
Now I know she's away with her family but AIBU to expect at least a follow up message today asking hope you're ok or saying sorry I left mid conversation?
Do I say something (she's always very quick to let me know when she feels I've not measured up or if I pause during a message exchange to go to the loo) or do I let it go?
I thought maybe I might say something next time she messages (could be a couple of weeks)?
Or do I message today? Or leave it.

I'm sorry you're feeling rough.

You were unreasonable to carry on offloading once she disclosed she was in holiday.

You don't have to reply to everything she sends you, btw.

It sounds like you've both got enough on your plates.

In short yes YABU to expect her to further interrupt her family holiday to tend to you.

As your friend is away with her fault, not just hanging around at home, I’d leave it for now. At this point, you have no idea about reception where she is or if she’s going various places, what constraints are on her time, privacy to message back and forth with you etc.

I think you need to leave it op. I am sorry you’re feeling bad and I suspect this is causing your feelings now. She did try to help you but you didn’t understand she was away with her family so could only dedicate a certain amount of time to try to help you, she can’t jist stop what she’s doing to support you for an extended period.

It's unfortunate, given the whole "talk about it" movement lately, but the truth is people have their own lives and problems and can't be relied upon for mental health support. Sure, people say they'll be there for you, but I've learned that sustained support is only there if you can pay for it or get counselling on the NHS.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If my friend came to me upset and I was not able to help at the time, I would tell them and arrange some future catch up, not just disappear. Friends in need shouldn't just be dismissed cos it is inconvenient.

I'd leave it. She's away and whatsapps aren't proper conversations. Sometimes real life interrupts or you're being rude being on your phone and have to put it down to be present with the people you're with. Don't start weighing this instance up against all your good deeds over the years unless you really want to wind yourself up. She's on holiday, has a young family, and if you were in dire need you need to call not message. Leave her to it and try to see/talk with someone IRL today if at all possible.

Thank you for the replies.
What I'm upset about is that she literally just stopped messaging mid conversation and never came back to say, sorry, I had to go or didn't check in this morning. I understand that she's away (seems like everyone is hence me feeling so alone) and that's why I didn't call her.
BTW her children are not that young - 11 and 13.
Anyway, I won't say anything for now but maybe won't be quite as diligent at responding so fully to her sos messages in future!

I understand that this is how you feel, but she's away on holiday so leaving the texts mid conversation really is understandable. A million different things could have taken priority and she might have struggled with how to communicate with you given you were feeling low.

Macaroni46 hope today is better.

Sorry you're feeling extra low with everyone away. But part of being away is not being tied to a phone and if she'd come back to say she had to go or checked in this morning then the conversation would have restarted and it sounds harsh, but it's really not an obligation nor a reflection on your friendship and can't be compared to how they'd behave in person. I get how you're feeling and it's horrible feeling alone, but phones can be such a problem feeling like someone should be communicating with you and reading too much into why they're not. The fact she's broken off mid-convo and not come back tells you she's tied up. Your decision sounds wise - to give and expect less from this one - and I hope you can get support elsewhere.

It may be that one of her family members needs her at the moment, it is not always apparent what is going on in people's lives. I am visiting my Mum for the first time since September last year, I would feel awful just leaving her to it whilst I engaged with the problems of my friend as my Mum has been very isolated, lonely and needs help overcoming anxieties over Covid restrictions as she is not confident to go back out. She lost her Aunt to Covid and I need to be with her at the moment. I am a good ish friend as well and if I was at home would probably offer to go and see a friend in need but not in the scenario I've described

Equally, my DH is pretty stressed with work at the moment if I was away with him he would probably wonder if I was going to spend some quality time with him as we have barely seen each other over the last few weeks. None of our friends would know this as it's not something I'd mention.

I disagree with most of the respondents - one, if you’re away with not very young kids and a spouse it’s really not that difficult to find 20 minutes to step away for a chat. Two, if you can’t, surely you’d message to say “Sorry, really tied up right now, can I message/call you a bit later/on Tuesday?”

she's always very quick to let me know when she feels I've not measured up or if I pause during a message exchange to go to the loo

She sounds absolutely awful.

What I'm upset about is that she literally just stopped messaging mid conversation and never came back to say, sorry, I had to go or didn't check in this morning

Maybe she hasn't had chance. Maybe there have been other demands on her time. Maybe she has poor reception or no data or poor wifi. Maybe she was drunk. Maybe she was sat with someone else who was also going through a crisis and she needed to support them.

I know you're feeling down and I really feel for you, but I don't think your friend did anything wrong. Sorry.

It sounds quite one sided, OP, your friendship?

Sadly, as she’s away, then there’s not much to be said as she can’t really be expected to put you first. Thy said, if this is how things generally are with her expecting much more from you than she gives back then I’d cultivate other friendships.

I’m sorry to hear you’re ah in ha rubbish time xx

I wouldn't be too hard on your friend Macaroni46, there could be many explanations. I'm sure she will be there for you when she comes home. If not, then that's another matter. Hope you are feeling a bit brighter today. To be honest, my partner wouldn't be too chuffed if I was messaging back and forth on hols in this situation.

@Goldenbear with due respect she's on holiday with two tweenage sons and a husband! Your situation is completely different.

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to accept that MH issues often require professional support.

We all want to be there for our friends and family - but it can be overwhelming for people. And they may just not have the time or emotional space to help in the way that is required - over the long term, or in a particular moment.

She's your friend, not a therapist. Ultimately, it will damage your relationship to confuse the two, or to be resentful that she can't give you something she isn't, actually, equipped to give.

I also wonder if part of your feelings may be to do with projection? Did you set up a situation whereby you could be angry with your friend because you can tell yourself she chose her children over you?

Whatsapp is really not adequate to have a meaningful conversation. It is an enormously frustrating medium. There's a reason therapists don't do sessions over WhatsApp.

If you were genuinely distressed, I suspect your friend will have found the experience quite worrying - and perhaps even sensed underlying intentions.

I'm sure she cares about you. Why wouldn't she? I'm sure you deserve care.

But care for yourself, now, by refusing to turn this into something that could damage a potentially good relationship before you've had a chance to talk it over with your therapist.

You might find you feel quite differently after you've had that session.

It sounds a bit one sided.
I’d distance myself.

@EssentialHummus

I disagree with most of the respondents - one, if you’re away with not very young kids and a spouse it’s really not that difficult to find 20 minutes to step away for a chat. Two, if you can’t, surely you’d message to say “Sorry, really tied up right now, can I message/call you a bit later/on Tuesday?”

I disagree too with most on here.

The OP rarely gets down, has supported this friend so much and reaches out for support and is treated like this.

I certainly wouldn't do it to my friends and they certainly wouldn't do it to me.

I think you know your friend OP and the penny has dropped that she is a taker.

You need to reflect back what a similar cavalier attitude.

Very poor behaviour.
I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you @billy1966, you've summed it up perfectly

You should have backed off as soon as she said she was on holiday, really unfair to be making demands and dragging her down with your mood. Of course she doesn't owe you an apology!
Are you sure that you've been a 'safe haven' for her? Or is it more that when she needs to chat, it fills a gap in your life?

@katy1213 talk about kicking a dog when it's down!!

What’s all this about her being quick to pick you up on not responding for the length of a toilet break? That sounds like way, way more of a friendship issue!