Friend's action

[Macaroni46]

Last night I was having a really low moment about an ongoing, as yet unresolved, issue in my life which causes me a lot of personal pain. Im working on resolving it and usually don't burden others about it too much. I'm normally pretty cheerful and keep down moments to myself.
However, last night I was really in need of a friend. I was feeling very low and alone. So I decided to reach out to a friend via WhatsApp (she has a youngish family so didn't feel I could just call on the phone without prior warning).
She responded after a couple of hours and we exchanged messages. Turns out she's away with her family so I apologised for disturbing her but she asked if I was ok a couple of times so I did say that I was feeling very upset.
I've supported this friend a lot over the last few years whilst she negotiates her way through a very tricky marriage situation. I've listened on several occasions and been a safe haven for her, messaged her to check she's ok the next day and regularly checked in with her during lockdown etc.
Anyway, last night, we were messaging and I was saying what was making me sad. I get to a crucial point and she just disappears. No message to say I have to go now. No message later on saying sorry I had to disappear. Nothing this morning either.
Now I know she's away with her family but AIBU to expect at least a follow up message today asking hope you're ok or saying sorry I left mid conversation?
Do I say something (she's always very quick to let me know when she feels I've not measured up or if I pause during a message exchange to go to the loo) or do I let it go?
I thought maybe I might say something next time she messages (could be a couple of weeks)?
Or do I message today? Or leave it.

So @MiddleParking if we're having a WhatsApp message chat, if I don't reply quite quickly during the chat, she'll message and say 'hey, where did you go? Thought we were chatting!' Or something similar.
Yet she's done exactly that to me 🙄

I appreciate that but it was just an example of other things going on in people's lives. My eldest is a teenager and believe me it has been a very emotional year, none of which anyone knows about. 11 isn't a teenager, I have an almost 10 year old and they aren't completely independent. And due to stresses of work my DH would equally not be happy if I was engaged in WhatsApp session with friend if we had gone away on holiday. I would reply withbone particular friend but that's because she gets very cross if you if you are not available to her. I am not saying this is akin to you and it sounds like it is not but I don't want to risk a bit of a public dressing down with her so I try to help. In addition this one particular friend is quite a troubled soul and she needs the support probably 5 x more than my other friends.

So @Goldenbear why would she not just say, really sorry macaroni I can't chat now but will catch up later in the week / when I'm back etc? To start listening and then disappear half way through feels worse!

Now you've described the friend she sounds more like the friend I have. She has asked me quite loudly at the school gates why I am ignoring her. It was absolutely mortifying as nobody behaves like that at the school my youngest goes to.

Yes, you are right, it is easy just to say that and polite. This would bot be enough for the friend I'm thinking of.

People aren't always explicit, Macaroni46.

It's possible that when she texted that she was on holiday, she assumed you would understand a subtext of, 'I'm not really available right now. Unless it's life or death.'

That isn't people being difficult, it's a different communication style.

There's a thread on here, right now, with a poster taking offence at her friend's text style - it's clearly a minefield.

It's just not worth reading too much into it.

If you still feel the same way in a fortnight, dial the friendship down to a level you're comfortable with.

Honestly, if your friendship is of long duration, it's probably not worth making this an ultimatum issue!

Anyway, the sun is shining. Maybe it's worth choosing to do something lovely fit yourself to lift your mood. No point dwelling on things that get you down.

And, generally, phone calls are far better than WhatsApp for emotional closeness and elimination of those uncertain pools of ambiguity.

You mentioned marriage problems on her side. Could her husband have kicked up a fuss and started an argument because she was on her phone during the holiday?

A 1 minute text could have simply told said "sorry cant chat now, in the middle of stuff".

The OP would have understood, but to simply drop her mid conversation is rude and sure lots of people think it's perfectly acceptable.

Well I certainly don't think it is and I can't think of anyone IRL that would do it to a friend.

@thecatfromjapan but surely phoning her would've been far more intrusive?

It depends. Did you get straight to the point? When my friend says that she has an issue, and 3 hrs of messaging back and forth and lots of crying emojis later, she finally gets round to telling me what is bothering her. By which time it is usually gone midnight, I'm exhausted and to be quite honest, fed up- just get to the point ffs! I love her to bits, but cannot be arsed with this kind of drama. It really depends on whether you sent a quick concise summary of your issue so that your friend could send you a quick reply of support, or whether you dragged it out so that it completely infringed on time with her family. Am not going to say if YWBU or not to carry on discussing it with her as I dont know the full circumstance, but YWDBU complaining that she didnt reply.

@dancinfeet yes I did get straight to the point. We were exchanging messages for maybe 20 mins before she disappeared without a trace.

OP it seems like she doesn't want to be as supportive in reverse as you've been to her. This is hurtful, for sure.

However, I suspect she has no real idea of what she has done and how you are now feeling. She probably got called to something & forgot completely, and it just isn't on her radar to come back to it today.

Of course this is hard, especially when you've been supportive to her

Also, I don't think 20 mins (and you expected more) of texting back & forth O'S a good way to deal with a sensitive issue. If I was in that situation (either as the upset person or person listening), I'd have a quick text exchange, then arrange to call then or later to talk properly.

[quote Macaroni46]@katy1213 talk about kicking a dog when it's down!! [/quote]
Some people just love to to be spiteful . Maybe they are powerless in their own lives and so enjoy behaving this way - no idea.

@katy1213 sounds like you're projecting onto OP here!

OP I think you have a shit friend - sorry you're feeling so down - if I were you I'd vanish just as fast next time she needs some support

Why don't you text her, "where did you go?" If she ignores you, then at least you know where you stand.

Op why don’t you text her and say hey you ok? Maybe she thought the convo was over. Maybe she’s having a problem.

Twenty mins though of focusing on you when she was possibly doing something else, having dinner, at entertainment etc is quite a long time.

I’d also ask op. If you’re so close how did you not know she was on holiday? And you say she was negotiating a tricky marriage situation, could her husband have been upset if she was sitting through dinner, say, texting you for over twenty mins?

Sorry OP I do understand that you are hurt and what probably happened was that, being on hold, her family were around and it would have seemed really rude of her to have sat texting instead of interacting with them, especially if, as you say, the kids are older and more likely to call her out on it. When people are not on hols they find it easier to get time to themselves to chat by text.

Being on hols, not on hold.

I hope you manage to get some support from another friend OP

If I was on holiday, my dh would get a bit fed up if I spent ages on WhatsApp & I really don't think that's unreasonable.
Once you realised she was away you probably should've just wished her a good time & said you'd catch up later. It's irrelevant what age her dc are, I think she was prioritising family time & there's nothing wrong with that.
You might need to be less available for her in future.

I would assume something came up so don’t take it personally. If she’s away she’s probably got something planned and it would be quite rude of her if she’s glued to her phone constantly. She’s probably just waiting until she is free so she can read your message properly and respond properly.

Do you not think its possible that her phone died, or there was some other reason?

Anything could have happened op.

Phone out of juice.
Power cut.
Stomach bug.

Trip to A & E.

I dropped my mobile phone in a field yesterday and couldn't find it for five hours!

I reckon something like this is quite likely given that she disappeared so abruptly and hasn't been in contact since.

She's your friend. She's on holiday with her family. Sorry you are unhappy but you need to give her the benefit of the doubt.