DP and I have been together for 5 years. There is so much background information relating to our relationship but I’d be here all day trying to explain it. It hasn’t always been an easy relationship, I’m far from perfect but he can be a difficult person. I have always been the one making sacrifices and putting in a lot of the effort. We don’t live together and never have, he doesn’t have any contact with my child and hasn’t since the first year, when he lived close by he would never ever come to my house, I always went to his etc - just a few examples but all of these are because this is what he wanted, not me. I did voice my issues at the time with the above but it got me absolutely nowhere so I’ve stopped. I accepted who he was (even though that person was very different the first year of our relationship!) and decided to stay with him based on that, not who I wanted him to be.
Fast forward to just over a year ago and he decided to move a long way away for a new job. He is very career driven and it would have been difficult for him to progress in the same way in the area that we lived in. He didn’t ask me to come with him. It broke my heart but I supported him (spent months decorating his new flat, packing for him, moving stuff down etc) and we decided to try and make it work long distance. Obviously COVID then struck and our original plan of travelling to each other once every fortnight became impossible for a while. I managed to visit him once every 4-6 weeks - he came to visit me once in the past year, combined with a visit to his parents. We still FaceTimed/called/text every day and although it was tremendously difficult for me with the travelling impact (financially, used all my annual leave, exhausting etc) we seemed to be making it work. He had been unable to travel to me as he was concerned that he would get into trouble with work, despite the restrictions changing to state that non-cohabiting couples could travel to each other, the fact that he believed COVID is a lot of nonsense and his work knew I was visiting him. Now that most restrictions have eased, we agreed to revert back to our original plan of every other weekend. This is his first weekend here after combining it with a visit to his parents. We are staying in his empty, unsold flat on mattresses on the floor because he didn’t want to stay in mine. I don’t live in a hovel btw, I’m much cleaner and tidier than him! I had to bring my hoover, professional dog dryer (newly decorated, cream carpets), towels, bedding, cutlery etc. All because he wants to stay here for no reason other than that’s what he wants.
We’ve been having a great time except for the fact that on Friday after a brilliant day out he told me in a pretty casual way that he’s not really sure if this will work. He realises that’s it’s very unfair that I’ve put in all of the effort for the past year but he doesn’t think that he will be able to put in the effort now. He’s very stressed with work etc. It turns out that he would be quite happy to continue with me doing all of the work, it’s just that he doesn’t think he will cope with doing his part. I offered to compromise and try and come up with a plan that would be easier for him but still not putting the whole load on me but he refused and basically said he can’t commit to anything at all. It was left (by him) that we would put a pin in it for the weekend, enjoy ourselves and he would decide when he goes home if we are splitting up or not. I nodded and agreed and went along with this but all of yesterday it became increasingly more difficult. Anytime I mentioned that we should do something in future (like “oh look, we should go there/do this one day”) I’d be met with stony silence and remember that we might not even be together this time next week. That this might be the last time we ever see each other and that he’s going to leave in a few days time and I’ll be left waiting. I told him last night that it’s really unfair to treat me like this and I think that he should come to a decision before he goes home and end it face to face if that’s what he wants. He felt like this was very unfair and that I was forcing him into a decision, he wants to think about it when he’s alone. Okay, I get that, that’s no problem but I asked that when he leaves he lets me know when he’s home safely and then doesn’t contact me until he knows what he wants to do. No FaceTime or sending nice texts or sexy/dirty stuff. I said that I felt like I deserve a lot better than what he was offering and that I wasn’t willing to just carry on as normal as if everything is okay. I also said that I can’t guarantee I will ‘wait for him’ indefinitely. I might make my own decision in the meantime. He went off on one, said it was too late to discuss this, he wasn’t doing it right now, I was making him so angry, do I just say things to hurt his feelings etc. I’ve been left feeling like I’m completely wrong and that I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have pretended that everything was okay until he decided otherwise.
If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, that’s fine. I would be heartbroken and gutted but I would accept it and walk away. I get how difficult it is, I’m still willing to do it anyway but I understand if he doesn’t want to or can’t. It would feel like I’ve been taken for a mug for the past year considering I was the one wary of doing this in the first place but I wouldn’t tell him that. I just don’t understand how he can think it’s okay to dangle it in front of me like maybe we’ll stay together, maybe we won’t and he’ll be the decider of that and I won’t really know what’s going on until he decides. After his response last night and this mornings “I have nothing else to say at the moment” I feel like there is zero point in trying to discuss it, it feels like doing anything other than waiting for his decision makes me a bad person for not letting him figure it out on his own. Now though, a massive part of me just wants to end it myself. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t decide if they actually want to be with me.
AIBU for what I’ve said and for feeling like maybe I should just walk away?