What does your happy marriage look like

[Lockeddownagain]

Feeling really sad in my marriage living with someone so committed to their work and then is to tried to spend time with me but can play on their phone for phones as starting to make me feel awful. How much quality time do you spend togther and what do you do? How much time do you argue how much time do you both work? Thanks x

My DP and I have a happy relationship but we do also spend time on our phones. We’re both tired at the end of the day and it’s a chance to decompress, catch up with people, read news etc. It doesn’t make either of us unhappy though and eventually one of us will say “time to put the phones away” and we’ll chat or watch a film together.

I work 40 hours over 4 days, he works about 50 hours over 5 days. We have a son - at the weekends we do things together as a family mainly.

Do you both work? Share home/family responsibilities?

I think this problem of both people needing different things in their down time is super common (you need company, he needs downtime) and I wonder if it happens more where there is disparity in the relationship, ie one person works the other doesn’t, or one person does all the childcare and the other spends all their time on hobbies.

How much quality time do you spend togther and what do you do?
Not a ton without the kids. Loads of time with the kids - weekends and every day from 3 ish at the moment. In the evenings we just watch telly which does piss me off as I am antsy and could be doing other stuff but have no energy to 😄 DH very good at not fiddling with his phone, I wish I could put mine down more. With working from home, it’s more the little moments throughout the day - tea breaks etc that we say hi and catch up. He often makes me piss myself laughing.
We have started doing a couple of art evenings - painting a YouTube tutorial, next one we want to do is clay!

How much time do you argue how much time do you both work?
We rarely argue, only really nitpick maybe twice a year if we both are in a certain clashing mood. Drives me fucking insane as he likes to play devils advocate but comes from a very repressed family and it’s not a good mix!
I don’t work and DH works more than full time, currently WFH but different time zone so is finished by 2pm usually which is INCREDIBLE for family life.

My DH and I just have after kids bedtime - we just watch tv, eat dinner and chat. We do sometimes message friends but generally don’t do much on phones. We are both aware of wanting to do something more interesting together but it’s been a slog with work, and everything going on over the past year.

We did try to make more effort for date night and hired a babysitter about three times. We both wfh so sometimes go out for lunch or a walk.

I’m pt but have been more like ft in the past couple of months and he has a demanding more than ft job. This means it often feels like one of us is always working including at weekends, so we don’t get much family time. We want to address this and get more balance.

I think the way you interact and talk to each other even without much quality time together is important. We luckily still have lots to talk about and are supportive of each other in stressful times. Sharing kids and chores around two busy jobs (and home schooling when that was happening) is potentially stressful but I think because we both do what we can, are helpful to each other and communicate about our needs and how we’d like to make changes it is manageable.

Do you feel able to communicate about your feelings?

We have a new baby so time is not something we have a lot of. But, DH and I (when not on mat leave) both work 4 days a week and have a different day off each with the kids.
Both home every weekend and evening. Completely share the parenting.
In the evenings we watch TV or do a puzzle together with a podcast on

You’re not alone OP!

Hardly any. DH works all he time, he’s a total workaholic. When he has “time off” he can’t even relax and has to go off and do something. It is lifestyle related but it makes me sad. I can’t speak up against it because I just get bellowed at. He’s pretty depressed and constantly stressed but he won’t do anything about it. He also disappears into his phone. We never do anything as a family or if we do it’s rare. We do something’s have holidays but again it’s never really every year. In the past it’s always been me who does things with DC. He thinks sitting watching tv as a family is plenty! He’s from a really weird family though so I think this has simply just stayed with him. We argue a fair bit, I don’t think either of us are happy although we have good days but I know if I left him he’d have no one, as he doesn’t really even have friends. It does drag me down a lot. But I have great friends and I have things that make me happy and fulfil my life in other ways so because of that it enables me to deal with an unhappy and lonely home life.

Do you have kids with your OH?

We both work full time, and spend usually one evening a week together, maybe go out for breakfast together one morning at the weekend.
Been together 25 years.
We rarely argue.
We are both very self sufficient as individuals, if we are troubled or have a problem then we support each other, but we both love time alone and have our own interests and hobbies.
We are not a couple that spend a lot of time together- but we are both happy with that.

We spend lots of time together after work, either watching something on tv, playing a game or doing a jigsaw and listening to a podcast

If you’re unhappy then you’re the only one who can change it

I work 30 hours a week over 4 days, DH works full time long hours. Lockdown was kind to us as we’re both now wfh so we actually see each other a lot more than before due to no commute, and we often have lunch together.

When I’ve finished work I do the school run and take the DC to their after school activities (three DC and they’re all really sporty). Then we all have supper together. By the time the DC are in bed it’s 9pm (except the 15yo who puts himself to bed!) and we watch TV together for an hour or so. Sometimes he wants to watch something I’m not interested in (eg snooker) so I’ll play on my phone, other days we’ll choose something together and put phones away. At weekends we take the DC to their sports matches and do housework and gardening, but we spend quite a lot of time together too. Now the DC are older they are in their rooms a lot.

Of the two of us, I’m the one who’s addicted to my phone! I always put it away immediately if he’s talking to me though.

We almost never argue. He really hates arguing so I’ve learnt to save it for important things! We disagree of course, but we’re pretty good at talking things through.

We both work full-time (from home for now) and have two young children in nursery. At the minute we see each other all day as we're in the same office, I'm only just back after maternity so that's still nice although I think it would be too much long term.

Once the kids are in bed we have an hour or two of downtime when we watch TV and go on our phones. Often one or both of us will be working but we try to do stuff in the living room rather than disappear into the office. Then we have weekends all together as a family, but our kids are young enough that that's the most tiring bit of the week.

At the minute we're trying to go for a quick lunch together once a week to take advantage of being home and stuff opening up. And now we have the kids in childcare we plan to get out the two of us properly once a month, probably by taking a half day from work as I'm breastfeeding so evenings aren't great for getting out.

Sometimes when I'm wrecked I just want an hour of silence to completely turn off and he wants to tell me about whatever interesting thing he's reading so that can cause a bit of friction but he does get it.

I can completely understand him having the energy to sit on his phone but not chat. But I don't think it's great if that's all the time.

We don't argue but do bicker a bit when we're stressed and busy.

I think with the phone in the evenings issue.. I think it comes down to whether he’s actually ignoring you, or not.

Are you watching a series/film on tv you’ve picked together, and are both paying attention to? If you start talking to him (about the plot, your day, whatever) will he put down his phone and engage with you happily? Or huff and ignore you?

That’s the crucial difference. Like most couples, we both work full time, exhausted in the evening after kids are in bed, like to just slump watching tv together. And we both sometimes look at our phones. But we do actively discuss the shows together while we’re watching, or e.g. if he sees something funny on Twitter he will tell me and we will start chatting about that.

Phones aren’t inherently bad, but It’s about where you choose to give your attention. If a loved one starts talking to you while you’re scrolling (including children!) it should go down straight away. If it’s used as a barrier to ignore your partner, it’s a problem.

Never really argue. Obviously we sometimes disagree on things but we discuss this and don’t shout / argue hardly ever. Less than once a year probably.
Sometimes we sit on phones. I don’t think this is always a bad thing.
We spend a lot of time together; just us after the DC go to bed and we try for a date night once a month but doesn’t always happen as one of our DC is disabled so his care is more complex.
We also spend time as a family on weekends.
We have a lot of respect for each other and are still very much in love. We each get time with friends and neither begrudges the other this time. Lots of holidays & weekends away.
We have a lot of shared interests, same sense of humour so get along very well and still find each other interesting.
DH owns his own business but after years of long hours and 7 day weeks to build it up, we’ve now got a good team which means DH earns really well but does a lot less hours.
I’m a SAHM.

We have a toddler so not much time by ourselves and mainly we are both focussed on the toddler. In the evenings we do bath and bedtime routine together. Then I grab a shower while DH tidies up and then we settle infront of the TV for a series. But we talk through the day and while we are doing other things. Before bed we both like to sit in bed and read the newspaper, often stop to have a chat about what we read.

Tbh its nothing fancy and our current circumstances mean we don’t do much as a couple but we are always talking to each other. It’s good for now, we are both happy with things as they are, yup we’d like more time but obviously DD is at a stage where she needs a lot of attention.

We do spend more time than we should ignoring the world on our phones. But the main thing is if I ask for him or if he asks for me, we'd be there. Plus if we're on our phone we're probably a bit drained and need half an hour to space out. So we facilitate it and make sure the tired one gets that time. We certainly don't argue about work. But we're not career people, we're work the bare minimum to have a good standard of living and that'll do.

The main thing is we share our values and listen to the others needs equally. It sounds like you don't have the balance of needs being met right now.

I'm a sahm and he works full time. When he comes in from work we'll sit talking on the couch and then take the kids up to bed. Usually we will eat together when the kids are in bed then watch something together before going up to bed. So I would say we have a couple of hours together, just us. If he's off work he'll spend some time on his xbox and we'll usually take the kids out somewhere.

Like @NotQuiteUsual DH and I do the bare minimum work! I am well paid but work about 20-30 hours a week unless I'm on a deadline or actively raising money for a good holiday or big present for DC. DH basically retired very early and potters a lot, cooking delicious meals and planting seedlings and looking up exhibitions we could visit.

We don't spend on what most people spend on - our house is pretty scruffy and old-fashioned. Our car is a pile of junk. I still think of clothes as my 'new' dress/jeans two years later. No expensive gym memberships or endless kit for hobbies. Round here (quite wealthy area) we are definite misfits but I like having a lot of time to myself. So does he.

We chat a lot - about music, books, art, where we want to go, what we want to do and see. We walk a lot together. He is romantic - plans weekends away, buys flowers if I am down. He is very kind too - will pick me up from the station if it's raining. Always cooks and has dinner on the table like a 1950s housewife if I am working late.

He's been a very active dad and DC turn to him as often as they turn to me.

Wouldn't work for everyone but it works for us. A lot of people think he's a bit wet (a bit Kevin from Motherland!) but I grew up with an aggressive, controlling workaholic father on the edge of a constant nervous breakdown and I have loved my long marriage to a very laid back man.

I work 60 hours per week over 5 days currently (this will cut down). DH does 7 on, 7 off 10 hour days. He's out the house working. I currently am too but Monday-Friday. EOW we have my DSS, the opposite of that DH is working.

In the evenings we get 2 hours together and we eat, walk dogs and watch something on TV. Both our jobs are demanding either physically or mentally so we need to just relax.

@Cowbells I love your post. You sound so happy and well suited!

We see each other relatively little during the week due to working hours and stuff.

But from Friday AM through to Monday AM we spend our time together unless one of us has plans elsewhere. We enjoy each others company, we have lots in common and also lots of differences so we both try things outside of our comfort zones too. We laugh together a lot, we chat a lot and we just support each other.

In terms of arguments, I could count on 1 hand the amount of them in 20 years. We bicker and squabble occasionally but we never really fall out. I'm incredibly laid back, and it's rubbed off on him more and more over the years.

Thank you @LeafBeetle - we are. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to marry a driven man and it wouldn't have made me as happy.

Make sure you don't compare yours to others'.

Doesn't matter what their happy is.. everyone has a different "happy". If you are unhappy, doesn't matter if someone else in similar style relationship is happy.

Have you spoken to him? What did he say?

Our relationship is mostly companionable now. We are older and to be honest a little bit infirm, and enjoy mainly sitting or strolling together. We chat and hug, we sit on an evening and watch a couple of episodes of whatever box set we are watching together. Or my love will watch a marvel type film whilst I do some craft or faff on my phone... or I will watch some comedy whilst he plays phone/computer games. We both work, he full time, me part time, neither of us are "ambitious"... we don't quarrel - we both abhor the meanness of spirit that leads to petty squabbles and have been together long enough to sort out anything important.

I guess we are simply content. Life around us is complicated with his mum having dementia, my heart condition, his health issues, my sister has MH issues and the dog is on his last legs, but at the heart of things we are together...

I have been lucky enough to choose a good man.

I work 16 hrs.
Due to Dp buisness, its usual for him to work min 13-14hr days,,7 days a week - yesterday he did 17hrs. As a result we rarely get time as a family or couple.
He might have 2 hours off on a saturday Am but thats it.
Maybe spend an hr when he is home after work,with me, he eats and watches Tv. ( Dont eat together often as he gets home so late)
Off peak season we see him more , the last year has been crap for buisness so its now catch up!
We argue often and work is a sore point BUT it wont change so for now, It is what it is and Its just hard sometimes.
Im immensley proud of Dp though , he works so hard but Im constantly worried about his health ( stressful job).

Im just learning to "just get on" with days out ect without him, its hard but thats how it is

Married 20 years so things have changed, he is a workaholic but values me and our DC.

We walk our dog/s daily together; have a laugh everyday; eat together often.

He would book European weekend trips away as a surprise just for the 2 of us before lockdown so look forward to resuming that again.

We go away alot together as we are a very active family, so always have something to look forward to.

We have a lovely circle of single and married friends.

We laugh more than we argue.

DH shares the school run, takes DS to rugby, is a hands on dad and we share household maintenance.

He is very successful in his own right and very supportive of me.

He is still the most handsome man I have ever met in my life and I love how he enjoys my cooking and how he has been inspired to cook in a healthy way.

We both watch our own things, both go on our phones so we have down time which is not always spent together but often is.

We enjoy swimming and riding together too when we have time so I think the secret is being on the same page in terms of fitness, healthy living, being kind, thoughtful and respectful of each other which I imagine is pretty normal

My dh works away during the week so we text during the day and then he facetimes the kids about 6pm and then rings me once the kids are in bed. Our weekends are about the kids in the day and us in the evening. We have found now that he works away, we are much closer. We make more time for each other

Our marriage is founded on the basis of love and kindness. We both love each other so much, that we want to make the other happy.

We don't argue except for the occasional irritable snap but even then we more on quickly.

It's not perfect because nothing is, but he makes me happy on a daily basis and vice versa.