What does your happy marriage look like

[Lockeddownagain]

Feeling really sad in my marriage living with someone so committed to their work and then is to tried to spend time with me but can play on their phone for phones as starting to make me feel awful. How much quality time do you spend togther and what do you do? How much time do you argue how much time do you both work? Thanks x

Also, we both have our own house jobs. You will never catch me hoovering or him clearing the cupboards out.

We’re both phone fiddlers, and we don’t like the same type of series or films. He likes to disappear into some violent Netflix trash in the evenings and I prefer to read. We sit together in bed doing that, usually with our feet touching.

We’re both scrolling on phones now, sharing random bits with each other. And if either of us put the phone down, the other will generally take that as a signal to do the same and snuggle

And we don’t have phones at mealtimes but that’s mostly to set a good example for the dc.

We talk everyday during dh’s commute, although sometimes if I’m busy it’s just a quick hello. But often that’s when we talk through bigger issues. He works long hours, not as much as he used to, but sometimes he still does, but it’s rare that he wouldn’t call at lunchtime just to say hi and see how my day is going.

We touch each other a lot, even just brushing up against each other as we pass in a hallway. We hold hands, or just link little fingers if it’s too hot to hold hands. It’s not really that we have quality time, just lots of micro moments. We haven’t had a date night since last March.

@thelegohooverer I like that term... micro moments. Us too, a touch in passing, a look across the table. Just acknowledges "I see you, I'm here..."

My DH my I are together a lot as he now WFH, it is irritating but I try and separate the situation from our relationship. We spend 5 nights together and have a phone ban. We do quickly check our phone if for example we’re waiting for the kettle to boil . 2 evenings we have separate evenings, we have a small extra reception room with a TV in and then we do/ watch whatever we like. We started this at the beginning of the first lockdown. We do stuff together all weekend, walks, meals out/in, shopping, visit NT properties, cinema etc. We only seem to socialise with my friends that I’ve introduced him to or my family. That does piss me off as I’m the one who arranges this. We are fortunate to holiday a few times a year, we nearly always get on well on holidays. So all good except I feel we see too much of each other since the start of the pandemic so this makes our time together less special.

We’re the same , we have 3 children and another on the way ! DH works long hours is never home on time and feel I am on my own . We argue all the time and I guess things are a bit hostile ( worse since I told him I was pregnant !!) it’s really hard not sure what I should do ?

Sorry you're having a hard time OP. My DH works quite hard (at home at the moment). We walk DC to school every morning and walk back together, we take time during the day to have a chat over a cup of tea. Have family time in the evening about an hour or two with DC then make sure we have about half an hour to ourselves (but are often knackered). We don't get much chance for date nights at the moment but jump at the chance when we do.

Sometimes there are tensions but usually we are able to discuss them calmly and then any resentment disappears quickly. I probably value time alone more than DH who would always like to be together when we have the chance but we compromise on that.

I’m sorry @Lockeddownagain that your marriage isn’t so great just now. Don’t think other people have a magic answer for you and what works for me wouldn’t necessarily work for you.....

Both full time WFH just now, DP makes breakfast and we usually have a quick coffee for 10 mins or lunch together, then a walk at 6ish and we cook or sometimes a pizza. He disappears for a while to mooch/call/ft family, he’s very chatty. I read/text friends, then we talk for an hour or so about the day, maybe glass of wine. Some evenings we watch something on tv, or go out (used to be FT) with friends (so exciting to actually go out somewhere).

If I’m not through with my mum at the weekend (she’s developing dementia and has needed a lot of time) he goes out running or cycling at weekend, I dance! We do dance together some evenings but weekends we go shopping, visit his parents, go on trips - yesterday we went to a cafe and did ceramic painting so have two badly painted mugs to add to the vast collection of drinking utensils.

It’s been magical actually having this time just us, we do argue of course but mostly we make each other laugh, muck about, have lots of sex....and he’s been incredibly supportive with my mum and my MH. He’s a keeper for me but probably would drive others up the wall .

I'm sorry you are feeling like that at the moment. Wfh has really blurred work lines, IMO.
Our happy marriage is just bumbling along. I am preparing for exams in five months so I am not around that much at the moment. However it's temporary and I only signed up when the whole family agreed to it.

We have written off this year as a year (due to COVID and exams) so we plan to be at home, just us 6 (4DC) and are looking forward to being more active and sociable in 2022.

We are very tactile and affectionate, eat together as often as we can and we are a family of bookworms so we can all curl up.
We also have a couple of camping weekends booked but not to many as my workload is overwhelming at the moment.

Our quality time during the week tends to be cooking dinner together. The rest of the time we're both guilty of spending too much time on our phones or watching tv together and DH often disappears to the spare room to watch football, play games or watch YouTube videos.

We've written off quality time outside of the house over the past year. Before the endless restrictions and lockdowns we used to do something together at least one day of the weekend- visit the zoo, go out to pubs, rent a kayak for the day etc. We plan to get back into it when the weather is nice and things aren't so restricted.

We’re pretty happy but real life gets in the way so we have low expectations. We argue fairly often, rarely seriously, but it opens communication and there’s no best behaviour front. Kids don’t want to go out so it’s a struggle and they never go to bed easily so we don’t get much of an evening. We watch our own things or are on phones sat together, but either one can start a chat and we have good conversations and shared humour. It’s far from perfect and I’m looking forward to kids bring old enough to stay home while we go out without them for dinner or full day out - 2 years probably.

So very open communication, conversations with shared values and humour, low expectations and enough sex. Neither of us are workaholics or have demanding hobbies.

We are married but live apart. Together 4 years aged 44 & 54, get all the good bits of each other and none of the bad. Would be there like a shot to support each other if needed but not living together for us keeps it fresh and makes us both happy to be financially independent.

We have a lot of interests in common.

He works from home, I work 4 days a week and have cut down as life was more important than work - this is a principle we both share.

In the early days we got into a bad pattern where we were both watching TV in different rooms, we had to sort that out and now watch together things that mainly interest us both. OK he might be on his computer and I'll be Mumsnetting but we are both watching and chatting about the show.

Weekends we try to do something we are both interested in - this may involve one of us compromising as lets be honest he would never want to go to a textile exhibition and I'd rather cut my arm off than go to the computer museum. But mainly we share.

We do the shopping together, he does breakfast and lunch, I do dinner, he does all the washing up.

We pretty much never argue. Bit of bickering but not much.

Dh & I don't have any interests in common, we don't share hobbies and we have completely different tastes in music. We do get on really well though and have a similar sense of humour. We bicker and needle each other a lot but it's in jest; we rarely argue for real. We don't spend that much quality time together (and I think we should make more of an effort with that) but we kiss and cuddle a lot.

He was made redundant after the 1st lockdown so doesn't currently work; instead he stays home to look after the children (our childminder stopped working at the same time). I'm a supply teacher so only work term time, am home by 4.30 usually and don't have marking, planning or lesson preparation to do on evenings and weekends.

We both do the housework (though he does more than me) and back each other up when dealing with the children.

Tbh we didn't do a fat lot when the dc were young, he worked long hours and I did the lion's share of the house/kids stuff, we would sometimes go to the pub one evening at the weekend. We've had our fair share of ups and downs and have been close to splitting several times.

Now the dc are adults we go for a morning walk some days, evening walks to the pub etc. At home we tend to have several drama series on the go so will watch one episode of something together most nights, then he might read his book and I'll mess about on my phone. Very occasionally we play cards!

We both work full time. For the first 10 years of our marriage he worked shifts so could literally go a week not speaking to each other just passing in bed.

We dont spend huge amounts of time together, even now. I wfh, he works in his office with a commute. We both spend 2 evenings and 1 weekend morning a week out at activities. When together we will watch tv, or play on our phones or whatever. Cant say I ever think about scheduling our time.

We argue maybe once or twice a year, if that. I think if we lived in each others pockets we would argue a lot more.

I work fulltime, he's doing a Masters and works 2 days.

We spend a couple of nights a week 'deliberately' together - i.e. we choose to watch a film or go out for tea or whatever intentionally. The rest we might spend together or we might not, it depends what's going on. A lot of evenings I play games downstairs and he plays upstairs and just give each other a passing kiss when one of us is going for a wee.

We also have things that we like doing as quality time: when he's in the bath, I take a brew and we sit and talk. Or we like to go for a drive. Or we go camping etc.

We don't really argue - we bicker occasionally, but very rarely about anything big because we're very similar in our views and plans for our life together. If we do have a 'big' argument, maybe once a year, one of us will go out and we'll both calm down before we talk about it.

I think our biggest plus is that we talk, all the time. About politics or our lives before we met or our plans for the future or what's in the news....as well as the silly little day to day stuff - he will call me on his way from uni even though he's going to see me two hours later, because we just like to talk. As a result we know each other very, very well. Our biggest 'negative' (we don't see it as such, but I can see why some people would!) is that we can be quite insular together - we probably see friends once a week so we're not hermits, but we're both happiest at home with just us.

He struggled a bit in the last year with me working full time and then doing consulting work on top, so I was working 65 hour weeks. But we talked about it and I dropped a couple of clients because he could see it was making me stressed and I was becoming pretty shit company. Is it possible for you to have that kind of conversation with him?