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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

29 replies

Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 22:44

Hi,
So DD daddy has requested that I buy more items of school clothing for him to retain at his (or he keeps some of what I already have) because he pays child maintenance. I would rather I did not purchase more than I need in order to line his wardrobe. I was under the impression that child maintenance covers essential upkeep at the main residence , not for the recipient of CM to cover both residences.

Who is acting unreasonably? What would you do?

OP posts:
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 29/05/2021 22:47

He is BU.
Maintenance is reduced for every night she spends with him. So unless he is paying massively over the CMS rate he's getting an allowance as it were to buy things for his house.

Menora · 29/05/2021 22:49

As above he is already compensated by a reduced payment for the nights he has his child at his house, and should have appropriate clothing

TO12T39FRQ · 29/05/2021 22:50

its not 'lining his wardrobe' though.....its for the benefit of your kid!

JackANackAnoreeee · 29/05/2021 22:52

@TO12T39FRQ

its not 'lining his wardrobe' though.....its for the benefit of your kid!
Which he should be paying for. Child maintenance is to cover the additional expense of the child being with you most of the time. It doesn't mean he doesn't have to provide for his child the minority of the time the kid is with him. He's a parent not a babysitter.
SquirtleSquad · 29/05/2021 22:52

As above, he should be providing everything for her time with him. Does he also ask for food on his nights, bedding, toothpaste..etc?

DdraigGoch · 29/05/2021 22:54

@TO12T39FRQ

its not 'lining his wardrobe' though.....its for the benefit of your kid!
It's his child too! He should pay up.
Original poster
Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 23:06

@TO12T39FRQ

its not 'lining his wardrobe' though.....its for the benefit of your kid!
As others have pointed out, he pays the appropriate amount of CMS based on the days he has DD over to stay - which breaks down as 10 nights a month.
OP posts:
honeygirlz · 29/05/2021 23:08

He needs to pay. What a twat.

Rumplestrumpet · 29/05/2021 23:08

He needs to buy the uniform so she has spares at his house. Cheeky git.

Original poster
Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 23:13

@SquirtleSquad

As above, he should be providing everything for her time with him. Does he also ask for food on his nights, bedding, toothpaste..etc?
This is my understanding too...I don't ask for anything in addition to what he pays for in child maintenance...for some reason he is fixated on what CM actually covers and is requesting I buy him school stuff, health stuff etc for his time with her.
OP posts:
Freecuthbert · 29/05/2021 23:14

He is being very unreasonable. As an NRP, he has to provide what the child needs during their visits, and accordingly the amount paid to you is reduced. I'm sure he full well knows this though and is being a tight bastard. Is he one of those that only pays the CMS and never a penny more? I find maintenence payments are generally very little and do not make up for the added cost of being a single parent who takes on the main childcare responsibilities.

Original poster
Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 23:14

I'll give you guys his address and you can all tell him because he won't bloody listen to me! Grin

OP posts:
Enough4me · 29/05/2021 23:17

My exH wanted this same scenario even though his maintenance was discounted as he has our DC 2days a week. Out of spite, he went through a stage of keeping my DCs shirts so I had to keep buying more. Eventually he had to send some back as getting ridiculous, my DS now has around 15 shirts here and a similar number there. He gave up in the end because I ignored him and the DCs thought he was being daft.

I'd start by buying what you need for DC, but expect you may end up having to get extras.

Enough4me · 29/05/2021 23:19

My exH thought I should pay for the school breakfast clubs that he benefitted from (on his days not mine). Some idiots will begrudge spending anything for their DC.

Original poster
Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 23:21

@Freecuthbert

He is being very unreasonable. As an NRP, he has to provide what the child needs during their visits, and accordingly the amount paid to you is reduced. I'm sure he full well knows this though and is being a tight bastard. Is he one of those that only pays the CMS and never a penny more? I find maintenence payments are generally very little and do not make up for the added cost of being a single parent who takes on the main childcare responsibilities.
I'm happy that he doesn't pay a penny more outside of the CMS sum. He is comfortable financially and therefore what he does pay is enough. Although I believe it is too much in his eyes, hence this latest battle.
OP posts:
Original poster
Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 23:29

@Enough4me

My exH thought I should pay for the school breakfast clubs that he benefitted from (on his days not mine). Some idiots will begrudge spending anything for their DC.
Why are some such difficult arses? I recently arranged swimming lessons for DD, with full inclusion from him obviously, but rather than pick a Saturday where we could both take her every other week, he opted for a day after school which is always on my time?! I can only presume it is because he thought I would ask him to contribute, even though I stressed that I have it covered. Hmm
OP posts:
Original poster
Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 23:32

Why are some such difficult arses? I recently arranged swimming lessons for DD, with full inclusion from him obviously, but rather than pick a Saturday where we could both take her every other week, he opted for a day after school which is always on my time?! I can only presume it is because he thought I would ask him to contribute, even though I stressed that I have it covered. hmm

^As in I thought it would be nice for him to actively take her and thought he would want that too

OP posts:
Freecuthbert · 29/05/2021 23:32

I am glad that you are getting a fair maintenance payment. Of course, he should still pay for the extra school uniform he wants to keep at his house. However he may just keep hold of their current uniform forcing you to buy them anyway. Not fair is it!

Original poster
Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 23:41

@Enough4me

My exH wanted this same scenario even though his maintenance was discounted as he has our DC 2days a week. Out of spite, he went through a stage of keeping my DCs shirts so I had to keep buying more. Eventually he had to send some back as getting ridiculous, my DS now has around 15 shirts here and a similar number there. He gave up in the end because I ignored him and the DCs thought he was being daft.

I'd start by buying what you need for DC, but expect you may end up having to get extras.

How many? Crikey, that's impressive lol! Thanks, I'll see how it all pans out
OP posts:
Enough4me · 29/05/2021 23:42

They are like it because they have lost control.

Six years on and I'm still so happy to be free from my exH. Over the years he has tried to 'hook' me with manipulative emails and messages through DC, but I have learnt not to reply unless vital for DC.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 29/05/2021 23:46

The maintenance he pays is for you to maintain her financially when she's with you.

He's still financially responsible for her when she's with him.

He can get his own clothes for her.

Original poster
Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 · 29/05/2021 23:51

@Freecuthbert

I am glad that you are getting a fair maintenance payment. Of course, he should still pay for the extra school uniform he wants to keep at his house. However he may just keep hold of their current uniform forcing you to buy them anyway. Not fair is it!
Not really no! I might speak to a professional tomorrow so that I have something concrete to throw back at him.
OP posts:
Holly60 · 30/05/2021 07:09

@TO12T39FRQ

its not 'lining his wardrobe' though.....its for the benefit of your kid!
I’ve got to say this was my immediate thought. It’s crappy of him but if you don’t do it your DC’s life is more difficult.
Menora · 30/05/2021 08:12

Mine wouldn’t buy calpol because it was a fiver and then might just go out of date, then if the kids felt ill he wouldn’t give them anything so I had to start sending it in their bag (which I packed) and he would send me back all the clothes to wash 😐

Oneandanotherone · 30/05/2021 08:19

I’ve always bought all the uniform, how much is he asking for? If it’s a couple of each item I would just do it, pick your battles.