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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (10) has no friends outside of school and is addicted to screens. Don’t know what to do!

28 replies

CherryPippa · 29/05/2021 18:43

DS has always been a popular boy in school but he has never really been invited for play dates, Not sure if that is my fault as I’ve never really talked to the other school mums due to bad experiences at the school gate with my older DC. I did chat to a few of them when he first started school but DS was bullied and injured by one of their DS’s and because I complained to the school, they stopped speaking to me and froze me out so I kept myself to myself from then on.

He always been invited to parties and other DCs were always happy to see him. His teachers have always said he gets along with everyone and is well liked.

Now obviously DC are old enough to meet up at weekends etc and DS is inside on screens all the time. I have to drag him out of the house on bike rides or for a walk and I feel he is too old to be doing that with me and should be out with friends of his age. We live in quite a safe area and often bump into DC from school hanging out together while he’s with his MumShock.

I keep telling him to arrange to meet up out of school just at the park or swimming etc but he says no one wants to meet up or that he doesn’t want to. He’s on the class WhatsApp group but due to some previous name calling, he doesn’t go on it anymore.

I’m so bloody worried about him although he seems happy enough! He mostly hangs out with girls at school which had led to some boys saying he’s ‘gay’. He’s starting secondary school in September so I’m concerned there may be more serious bullying there. He’s an extremely intelligent kid and very mature for his age due to having much older siblings.

I’ve just been out and seen loads of groups of DC hanging out together while DS is stuck inside glued to the computer.

AIBU to be really concerned or should I just let him be?

OP posts:
Maryjane3227 · 29/05/2021 19:04

Yanbu to be worried because you're bound to imagine the worst, as his mum.
But I think in the last year, many kids have become screen addicts. What I suppose you need to work out is has your son got social anxiety/is he socially avoidant or does he simply enjoy screens because of his age and the fact that there hasn't been much else to do in the last year.
10 is a funny age. They're not quite old enough to arrange to meet by themselves. Equally, they might not want mums hanging around them either. You're quite right to avoid mums who have treated you unfairly in the past and I also think its sensible of your son to avoid group nonsense on WhatsApp, kids talk such rubbish on these groups due to boredom and silly peer pressure to show off. Your son and you sound very normal and nice.
Maybe the summer holidays (if you're able to spend time with him then) could be a chance for your son to try some new things, that might lead to him being able to make a few friends outside of school.
To be honest though, there's no set amount of friend any child needs, a few good ones is fantastic. And, I'd imagine lots of kids have got used to their own company with lockdown rules (in fact people shouldn't really have been mixing in different families at all... Though course they have).
I think your son will be fine, and what you're thinking is all quite normal, far from unreasonable.

Starlightstarbright1 · 29/05/2021 19:17

I think there are 2 issues here.. The screen time and the friends.

At 10 screen time should be limited unless they are one of those children who self limit ( my DS isn't )

Clubs are starting up again can you get him into any of those.. My Ds loved his cubs/ scouts at that age.

The second is sociisation .. can you encourage him to invite his friends round, do things to imporive his self esteem. look at things he can do in the house or even better get him to, can he learn a musical instrument.?

Thelnebriati · 29/05/2021 19:18

He sounds like he's more mature than the other boys, fingers crossed he finds his crowd at secondary school.

DS1 was bullied horribly in junior school and I was dreading him moving up, but he's still friends with his old crowd now they've all left and got jobs and beards.

Soontobe60 · 29/05/2021 19:29

Turn the WiFi off!

KibeththeWalker · 29/05/2021 19:39

He sounds like he needs a hobby/ sport that will naturally limit the screens and increase his social circle.

My DS (also 10, in Y6) sails, which takes him out of the house a lot of the time at weekends and holidays. He likes a bit of windsurfing and rookie lifesaving. Sea cadets is a great way in to water sports.

DS loves gaming, but the combination of school & hobbies means he only has a certain amount of time he can be doing that, so it is just a 'filler' rather than all he does.

There are so many different hobbies that 10 is a great age to start. I'd give him a choice about what he does, but be telling him he has to do something out of school.

Rumplestrumpet · 29/05/2021 19:40

I would treat these issues slightly separately.

On the friendship side, can you create fun activities for him to do with a friend? Like offer to take him and a friend out for the day (trampoline park, zoo, whatever he's into) so the pressure isn't on him to think up or arrange something. And also sign him up for some activities so he can make new friends outside his usual circle. That was always really important for me as a kid.

On screens, you definitely need to put limits in. A timer that he is in control of so he can decide when to use his screen time (within reason obviously), and when his time is up it goes off and that's it. Though I confess I don't know what's reasonable for that age as mine are much younger.

But don't make him feel bad for wanting to spend time with his mum. It's nice he does, and it may not last much longer so enjoy it while you can!!

LeafBeetle · 29/05/2021 19:43

I agree that the friends and the screen time are separate issues. I wouldn't force my DC to meet up with friends if he didn't want to, but I also would let him game all day. Does he do any sports or after school activities?

LeafBeetle · 29/05/2021 19:43

Wouldn't, not would!

Original poster
CherryPippa · 29/05/2021 19:45

Thanks for the replies.

I am constantly trying to manage his screen time and change the WiFi password so often I have to keep track of it in a notebook Grin. Oldest DC still WFH’s due to Covid and other two have college work they need to do so can’t just turn it off unfortunately!

I even hide his phone, ipad, Switch and laptop but he quite often finds them! I try to get him to read (he’s already way ahead in reading) but he’ll read for 5 mins then not want to do anymore and ends up getting upset when I lose my shit which makes me feel like shit!

He’s not just playing games. He writes computer programmes and designs his own websites (just funny stuff) so some of it is productive I suppose.

He’s been in Cubs for the last few years and again got on with everyone but not enough to see them out of school. He’s graduated to Scouts during lockdown but it’s all still online at the moment.

He used to say he didn’t want to play with boys as they played too rough and did stupid stuff which is why he preferred playing with girls. Girls are older now though so are hanging around together and he just doesn’t fit in anymore I think.

I just hate it. Really concerned about secondary school but also dreading the summer hols with him sitting around all the time. He won’t do holiday activity clubs anymore as he says they are for younger kids.

I’ve even bought him a new trampoline and force him to jump on it for 10 minutes every few hours now the rain has stopped! His siblings are around but they are 18+. Just so worried about him not socially interacting with kids his own age.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 29/05/2021 19:48

If he's coding and writing websites, I'd encourage him.

Original poster
CherryPippa · 29/05/2021 19:48

I tried inviting his friends for days out when he was younger but it was never reciprocated unfortunately.

OP posts:
CalmConfident · 29/05/2021 19:49

He is 10? fabulous - I have a useful suggestion

Junior parkrun. Register today, print out his barcode and get down there tomorrow morning!

CalmConfident · 29/05/2021 19:51

A great focus, starts the day with a positive and a chance to “bump into” people

Blacktothepink · 29/05/2021 19:52

Get him into a coding club.

TotorosCatBus · 29/05/2021 19:59

At secondary age it's more acceptable /considered cool to hang out in mixed groups so hopefully he'll get more invites to hang out.

Do you think he lacks confidence to hang out with his peers? Many y6 will be ok going out without an adult (say walking to school ) but others aren't quite ready

LemonRoses · 29/05/2021 20:11

You don’t need password changes, hiding screens etc. You need to say no and mean it. It sounds like it’s becoming a game of cat and mouse.
At ten he should be doing as he’s told.

Reduce screen time.
Set reasonable chores.
Find an activity he is interested in and wants to attend - Youth theatres are often good for non-football types.
Do things together.

LittleOwl153 · 29/05/2021 20:15

It's a tough one - but I think kind if normal particularly in a tough year. Hopefully scouts will get going soon they have permission now so🤞.
Have a look at the secondary he is due to go to. Some are running summer clubs as transition.
Secondary will hopefully make a big difference to the friendship groups as the pool grows significantly.

Hankunamatata · 29/05/2021 20:37

Sounds very much like my friends son. He went to some coding camps. His mum got into tennis and badminton and he goes to those and made some friends.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/05/2021 20:42

My DD is similar well liked in school and a total introvert at home.
She is 12 now and has created online bonds with pals from there is at least a social side to it too.
Limited screen time helps.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/05/2021 20:42

Meaning pals from school online.

CroydianSlip · 29/05/2021 20:45

I've got an 11 year old and I manage most of her social interactions. She's not out randomly meeting up with people and hanging out in public places. We invite friends over to play in the garden, for sleepovers or to come to the park or on walks with us. Could you do that? I don't think our set up is at all unusual at their age.

Mine doesn't have a phone so isn't on WhatsApp or social media, and again isn't alone in that.

Mine don't really do tech so I don't have that issue but if you feel it's problematic then you need to stick to your guns and enforce screen free days etc

TryingToKeepSmilingEveryDay · 29/05/2021 20:46

My Ds is nearly 15 and the same as your ds. He has plenty of friends at school, male and female and gets on with everyone. Yet he never meets up with them outside of school. He just isn’t interested. He’s happy with his own company and spends his time in the evenings on YouTube or mariokart. Some children just aren’t bothered about socialising. His main friends feel the same so it’s not like he’s missing out on anything. We limit screen time by giving specific times he can be on them but it is difficult now he’s older. No advice to give really other than to say your ds isn’t the only child like this.

toiletbrushholder · 29/05/2021 20:49

I think putting the effort in early to arrange play dates, invite friends around definitely helps build confidence in this area, it's probably why he's struggling now. So you'll need to help him build up those skills and learn to enjoy and feel confident about socialising.

zoemum2006 · 29/05/2021 20:56

Your son sounds awesome. Summer holiday Gaming camps definitely the way to go.

He doesn’t sound unhappy so I wouldn’t worry. Maybe he just hasn’t met a kindred spirit yet? There’ll be loads more opportunities at secondary school.

Tbh the kids round your way sound a bit rough. I hate casual homophobia.

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