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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think apologies are important?

48 replies

Sorrynotsorrytho · 29/05/2021 18:19

I think apologies are very important. I try and give them where I’ve been wrong etc and really value receiving them. They’ve helped me heal and move on. I really respect people who are able to say sorry.

DH never (and I mean never!) apologises. Drives me mad but I’ve come to terms with it I suppose.

The other day he referred to my fetish for apologies (not in an argument, just a conversation about odd things about each of us).

It got me thinking, aibu (maybe more am i weird) about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorrynotsorrytho · 29/05/2021 18:27

(Sorry for bumping)

OP posts:
UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 29/05/2021 18:30

Apologies are critical to the functioning of society, and to growth and learning as an individual. Of course they are important! For me, the sign of a truly great person is one who knows how to identify and admit when they’ve been wrong.

Like anything, I guess apologies can also be devalued when they are too frequent (especially if they’re for a repeat behaviour that ought to have been fixed rather than apologized for!) or if they’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

But overall - the art of the apology is one we should all be working on.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/05/2021 18:34

I don't know. I often think apologies are the cheap alternative to actually changing your behaviour. Apologies forced out of dc who aren't at all sorry are the most pointless of all.

Yummymummy2020 · 29/05/2021 18:52

I agree they are important. To be honest one of my faults is I do tend to hold another of a grudge if I’m treated badly and don’t get an apology. I do try my best to give them aswell and place a lot of value on them. I agree with the poster that said they should be meaningful though!

3scape · 29/05/2021 18:54

I don't know. A lot of pair who apologise don't mean a thing by it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/05/2021 18:54

Does your dh demonstrate that he is sorry for things, @Sorrynotsorrytho? If he does something that upsets you or hurts you, does he change that behaviour? If he accidentally banged into you, would he rub the bit he bumped or give you a cuddle? Does he accept when he has said or done something wrong?

If he shows he is remorseful, I can understand you accepting the lack of a verbal apology - but if he doesn’t apologise or demonstrate he’s sorry, that would not be acceptable.

What does he think the function of an apology is? I think an apology is a verbal acknowledgment that you know you have hurt the other person, and that you are sorry for that, and intend to change. I need that, when someone has hurt me - I would feel my hurt didn’t matter, if no apology was forthcoming - and that is how I would explain it to your dh.

LeafBeetle · 29/05/2021 18:55

I agree with you OP. And my DH (who was rubbish at apologising when I first met him) now makes an effort to do so as he knows it's important to me.

It does depend on what your family used to do though. Are his parents bad at apologising too? It's hard to overcome your childhood values about this sort of thing.

andivfmakes3 · 29/05/2021 18:59

Apologies are part of every day manners in my book

My DH never apologises unless forced to and I think it's incredibly rude

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2021 18:59

I totally agree. If you don't say sorry you're saying you can never pinpoint when and where you went wrong, and even if you can, you don't regret hurting the other person and you'd do the same again.

Everyone makes mistakes, its acknowledging them and dealing with them that's important.

I hate the 'apologies are a sign of weakness' argument. Everyone has weaknesses and if you don't learn from them, they will remain weaknesses.

Think about a work environment, if you do something wrong (and everyone does) and you don't acknowledge it or change your behaviour so it doesn't happen again, does that make you a good employee?

NCtitleofyoursextape · 29/05/2021 19:07

My husband apologies just to end an argument when he doesn’t mean it and is actually still in a complete piss. So it doesn’t even end there anyway. I’d much rather someone reflected on their behaviour than offered out sorrys like sweeties.

devildeepbluesea · 29/05/2021 19:10

My exDH is the same. He finds it incredibly difficult to admit he's wrong. He even blamed the handbrake when his car rolled down the hill (he forgot to put the handbrake on....on 3 separate occasions in 3 different cars 🤣). He is a bit better now, and he's not a bad guy but that used to drive me up the wall. He's always try to find a way to shift the blame.

Bluetrews25 · 29/05/2021 19:14

Does he have no empathy? No remorse? Is he never wrong?
Must be hard to live with, if so.

Macncheeseballs · 29/05/2021 19:16

Does he have a 'fetish' for not apologising? Tosser

VettiyaIruken · 29/05/2021 19:23

They matter only if they are sincere and accompanied by a change in / stop to the behaviour being apologised for.

They're worthless and pointless if the person is only saying it because they are asked to and they have no intention of doing anything different in the future. I'd rather they just say nah, fuck you than get a fake sorry followed by not giving a shit

VanillaFlat · 29/05/2021 19:26

I don't know. Sometimes they just seem to be done for the sake of form or manners, and people just think of them like that, a kind of social politeness, in the way you say 'sorry' for bumping someone, say. But for things that they've done that they need real remorse for, then I don't think it's a matter of manners, and treating it that way kind of devalues a real apology, whether it is verbalised or demonstrated. It's behaviour that matters more than words, to me. Words can be nice too, but sometimes it's just really awkward, and you feel like you have to say 'don't worry about it' or 'that's OK", when it's really not, because there's nothing else non-cringey to reply. I'd rather it not always be spoken, but that behaviour changes, or they do something to make-up for a wrong.

Ilovelove · 29/05/2021 19:27

Apologies have three parts:
Verbal - I am sorry
Internal - A commitment to not do/say the thing in the future
External - A move towards making amends

The foundation of them is taking responsibility. They are very important, yet not very well taught or often given, in my experience.

shouldistop · 29/05/2021 19:27

They are important, that's why we teach children to say sorry if they've hurt someone etc.

One of 4yo DS friends hurt him at the park today, he apologised and ds said "that's ok".
One the way home ds mentioned his friend hurting him but said "at least he said sorry, so we're still friends".

If a couple of 4yo's can work out how important it is to apologise then I'm sure your dh can!

Livelovebehappy · 29/05/2021 19:34

I just think say sorry if you are genuinely sorry, but not say it if you really don’t mean it. My DH apologises if I’m upset at something he’s said or done, but I think a lot of the time it’s just words to make me feel better and calm the situation, without actually understanding what he’s done wrong.

Winterwarrior · 29/05/2021 19:46

They are Important but they have to be genuine to have any real value. The “sorry if you thought .......” is NOT an apology. I’ve had that one a lot from one particular person. By inserting that one word THOUGHT, It just turns the whole thing round onto me. It’s basically saying “I didn’t do anything wrong, you just thought I did”. It gets them off the hook.

RaraRachael · 29/05/2021 19:51

I don't agree. Our school had a policy of making children apologise to a teacher when they're been or disruptive. The words came out of their mouths but they rarely meant it.

My neighbours have been horrible to us over the years. The woman is now terminally ill, If she came to the door to apologise, I wouldn't accept it. She shouldn't have done it in the first place.

Lanareyrey · 30/05/2021 05:17

YANBU. Apologies to me are really important even if sometimes you don’t think you should apologise.

Recently fell out with a friend, who made me cry on my birthday due to her strong opinions about a school issue. Lots of finger pointing and ranting and she was drunk.

She feels no need to apologise (even if she thinks her opinions are right) it was hurtful and embarrassing. Needless to say we are no longer friends!

TheLeadbetterLife · 30/05/2021 05:34

I can’t bear people who won’t apologise.

I don’t mean in a token, begrudging, this-is-what-you-want-to-hear way, which I agree is pointless.

I mean people who won’t accept any responsibility for their actions. It’s maddening.

I’m in a stand off at the moment with someone who actually has some kind of warped philosophy of “never apologise”. Wtf is that, a psychopath’s charter? This person let me down massively a couple of weeks ago and I’m still suffering the consequences. They will expect me to brush their behaviour under the carpet and move on, but not this time.

newnortherner111 · 30/05/2021 06:56

Yes I agree.

However, sorry should not be used as an alternative to 'excuse me'.

JackANackAnoreeee · 30/05/2021 06:59

YANBU OP. I've tried to get better about apologising both by not over apologising all the time but also making sure I give a genuine apology every time I have actually been wrong. I totally agree that it makes a huge difference. Even for minor things, if you're driving and someone pulls out in front of you - a small acknowledgment they made a mistake instantly makes it OK.

BigHeadBertha · 30/05/2021 07:03

Your "fetish" for apologies?

Does he often mock you? He sounds like an ass.