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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think apologies are important?

48 replies

Sorrynotsorrytho · 29/05/2021 18:19

I think apologies are very important. I try and give them where I’ve been wrong etc and really value receiving them. They’ve helped me heal and move on. I really respect people who are able to say sorry.

DH never (and I mean never!) apologises. Drives me mad but I’ve come to terms with it I suppose.

The other day he referred to my fetish for apologies (not in an argument, just a conversation about odd things about each of us).

It got me thinking, aibu (maybe more am i weird) about this?

OP posts:

IMNOTSHOUTING · 30/05/2021 07:13

I don't like forced apologies from children because it's more annoying to get an insincere apology than none at all. That said a genuine apology is a very good thing. My husband actually is brilliant about this and I've changed as a result. If we ever disagree he always reflects about what he did wrong and admits it, him doing that usually makes me do the same and things get resolved and resentment disappears. Being unable to apologise to me means you can't self reflect and admit you've been wrong.

Onairjunkie · 30/05/2021 07:21

I struggle to apologise. I will if I know I’ve done something really wrong and I will always amend any behaviour, but I struggle to admit I’m wrong and then apologise for it. I feel very defensive and it feels weak somehow to apologise. 🤷🏼‍♀️

LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 07:33

I think it’s the opposite of weak! It shows strength of character to own your mistakes.

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 30/05/2021 08:03

I apologised to the bread maker (machine not DH) the other day because the bread came out as a mush and I muttered at it, until I cleaned out the mush and realised I’d forgotten to put in the paddle. It was a genuine apology though in the sense that I’ve never made that mistake again!

LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 08:05

I am sure the bread maker graciously forgave you

Cowbells · 30/05/2021 08:19

Is not apologising a male thing? Dh never apologises ever. I have had words with him about it. If, for example he accidentally bumps into me and it hurts (he's big and 6'1" I'm 5'4") he'll say, 'I didn't know you were there!' as if the most important thing to do right then is to prove his innocence. I say through gritted teeth: 'The words you are looking for are, "I'm sorry!" ' Even though he is lovely and will then make a cup of tea or buy flowers or something to show he is sorry but can't say it. He reminds me of .

LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 08:20

I don't think it's a male thing - my MIL never ever apologises.

ILoveAnOwl · 30/05/2021 08:21

I have drummed into my son that the way you show you're sorry is by not doing that behaviour again. His Dad either doesn't apologise or does but doesn't mean it and I cabt bear the thought of DS being the same.

crossstitchingnana · 30/05/2021 08:29

There is something about needing an apology from others means you're giving them the power. Yes, it's a social expectation that people apologise but you are ok without it.

well23456 · 30/05/2021 08:32

I actually ended a friendship over this. Ex friend had a slightly chaotic life which meant that she would sometimes forget that we were supposed to meet up, or she would cancel because she was double booked. I would have been ok with that except there was never an apology.

To me, not saying sorry show's a lack of empathy / consideration for others. Apologising demonstrates that you understand that you have done something to hurt or inconvenience another person and that you take responsibility for your actions.

billy1966 · 30/05/2021 08:47

I consider them basic courtesy to accept and acknowledge that Inam in the wrong.

Your husband sounds like a rude arse.

InTheDrunkTank · 30/05/2021 08:49

@crossstitchingnana

There is something about needing an apology from others means you're giving them the power. Yes, it's a social expectation that people apologise but you are ok without it.

That's total rubbish. It's not about needing an apology from someone it's about knowing that the person acknowledges they did wrong and will probably endeaver not to do it again. It's not giving someone power to want to be treated with respect.

IEat · 30/05/2021 08:51

I mean my sorrys to my friend at work but the others sorrys to collegues are just said without me meaning them

Ponoka7 · 30/05/2021 08:52

'For me, the sign of a truly great person is one who knows how to identify and admit when they’ve been wrong."

But that isn't apologising. I was never brought up to say sorry, but I was taught how to acknowledge that I was wrong and work on it not happening again. "I'm sorry" is so easy and meaningless.

LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 08:55

There's a big difference IMO between a polite apology to a colleague in order to fulfil a social expectation, and an apology to a partner after a row in order to heal and move on. The OP is talking about the latter.

LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 08:57

But Ponoka if it's so easy, why do some people seem to find it so hard to do it?!

Nietzschethehiker · 30/05/2021 09:02

I absolutely believe in apologising and I also feel quite strongly about apologising to DC when you are in the wrong. I grew up with DP who never apologised because they saw it as weakness and over time I realised it was entirely the opposite.

The strongest people I met were confident enough to be able to apologise and admit when they were wrong because they were secure enough not to think that meant they were an awful person.

I really dislike when parents who are in the wrong (because we all make mistakes there's nothing awful about that we are human) but refuse to apologise to DC because they shouldn't have to.

DP finds it insanely hard to apologise because he had it drummed into him that it was a sign of weakness. However he does when he needs to and he does mean it. Over little things though he will change the behaviour openly and show in his actions he has. I think that's fair enough mostly.

MargaretThursday · 30/05/2021 09:09

@Stompythedinosaur

I don't know. I often think apologies are the cheap alternative to actually changing your behaviour. Apologies forced out of dc who aren't at all sorry are the most pointless of all.

I think this is true. I remember when ds was little he had a friend who was very strict on apologies... His dm had to change her tactics when the friend started apologising as or even before they hit. In their toddler mind they could hit as long as they said sorry.

Unfortunately a lot of adults also have that attitude. "Well I apologised - what more do they want?"

I had a (very much needed) apology from a colleague a couple of weeks ago. I was pleased, although it didn't really go far enough, I was willing to try and move on.
This week they have just done exactly the same thing again.

BeyondMyWits · 30/05/2021 09:13

People who apologise too much are just as annoying as those who can't apologise. I have one friend whose default response to anything is "oh, I'm so sorry..." she had a controlling dad who made her say sorry for the slightest thing and does not understand that most stuff does not need an apology. Things like making a cup of tea... "oh I'm so sorry I don't know how much milk you like"... every time she makes it... I said how much after she apologised so profusely for nothing the first time, I'll make tea rather than let her now because her continual apologies make me feel uncomfortable.

On the other hand, my sister is a "sorry... but..." or "sorry if I made you feel..." person... arghhhh...

Can see why some people choose to not apologise at all..

Ponoka7 · 30/05/2021 09:14

@LeafBeetle
"But Ponoka if it's so easy, why do some people seem to find it so hard to do it?!"

It's usually done as a power play. Some people see themselves as superior, so there's no need to admit that they were wrong. If they do say sorry, they don't mean it, it's a tick box exercise.

Onesnowynight · 30/05/2021 10:36

I always say sorry and dp has probably said it 4 times to me ever. Annoys the hell out of me but learnt to live with it.

LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 10:37

If apologising is really a power play then I think there are other issues in your relationship!

RaraRachael · 30/05/2021 11:32

My mother used to talk to me like I was a piece of shit, I'd walk out of her house without replying then the following week she'd phone up, "Hello Rachael - do you fancy going out for coffee?" Bizarre.

She tried to apologise once and give me a hug and I ran!

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