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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only invite one twin to sleepover

79 replies

brushandmop · 29/05/2021 12:17

Hi everyone,

Advice needed and hopefully can get some from mums with twins.

My DS has a good group of friends however he says he is closest to one in particular. They have similar personalities and have been friends for years. The boy my DS regards as his closest friend is a twin and both boys are part of the friendship group. We've previously always invited both boys to parties and play dates.

DS wants a sleepover at ours with the twin he is closest to but we are worried the other twin might feel left out. Space is a practical issue too. DSs room can only have one other mattress on the floor and we don't have a playroom/extra living room.

Is this something anyone else has faced or am I overthinking it? Both boys are lovely and we could have both if we had the space but DS is also only wanting to spend time with his close friend.

Thanks!

OP posts:
CrazyCatsAndKittens · 29/05/2021 14:59

[quote nestlestealswater]@CrazyCatsAndKittens nobody has said that if twins prefer to be together they must have abusive parents Confused just that it's fine to invite just one. If they don't want to go then that's fine, they can just decline.

They don't have to feel left out though, if one twin gets invited somewhere you can make it a really special evening for the other one. Favourite takeaway or a movie, snuggled up for that very rare alone time with just mum! They might think that they've got the best deal![/quote]
Sorry, I think I'm just having a bad day. Ignore me

AlmostSummer21 · 29/05/2021 15:04

@mam0918

I wouldnt do that.

You said both twins are friends with your DS and in the same friend group so you are leaving one out.

If the twins where independant thats different (I knew twins growing up that had completely different friends, hobbies, didnt even like each other so made sense to just invite one) but these two are BOTH share your DS as a friend and you are seperating them in a game of favorites.

OFGS. She's not 'separating them in a game of favourites' don't be such a drama llama
chillipopcorn1 · 29/05/2021 15:34

I have twins and this would be fine! Mine are only little but are very close and have the same friends, but actually I would use the opportunity to have some lovely time with the other twin by themself (a rarity!) and make it really special for them. X

chickadeee · 29/05/2021 15:47

I a mum of twin boys who are 9. If you're all part of the same friendship group my twins would be upset if only one got an invite. It's different if they had different friendship groups. Tht doesn't mean you should invite both but I'm not even sure one of my twins would go knowing it would upset his brother.
Sharing a bed would be totally fine by my boys. They often bed share out of choice.

notsodimwit · 29/05/2021 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/05/2021 16:09

@chillipopcorn1

I have twins and this would be fine! Mine are only little but are very close and have the same friends, but actually I would use the opportunity to have some lovely time with the other twin by themself (a rarity!) and make it really special for them. X
I’m not a mum of twins but this was my immediate thought. The older they get the more this is going to happen. It’s going to be new for everyone but part of growing up and being individuals. I’m glad you’ve had so many green lights from mums of twins and saying they would love the idea of getting an opportunity for some one on one time.
HSHorror · 29/05/2021 17:17

It's fine. Good for them even.
My dc have had lots of times one has gone to a party and the other hasn't. It's good to learn you cant go to everything.

user1471538283 · 29/05/2021 17:56

My ex is a twin and even though he and his brother has a wide social circle with the same friends they also had their own friends. So both would not go everywhere. My DSs friend is a twin and whilst he likes his friends twin he has never had a friendship with him.

They are twins but they are siblings. You wouldn't invite an older or younger sibling. I think it's even more important they have their own identity.

FrangipaniBlue · 29/05/2021 18:08

My DS best friend is a twin, he regularly comes to ours for tea, sleepovers, away on trips with us and it's fine!

His twin has his own friends Smile

BigHeadBertha · 29/05/2021 18:13

In this case, since they're both your son's friends and they all hang out together, I feel like it's hurtful to only invite one of them. I'd just invite them both.

Enough4me · 29/05/2021 18:20

I'm surprised the kids haven't talked about it at school and then let you know.

It could also stifle their fun if it's 3 not 2 DC, as 1 is bound to feel left out.

Diverseopinions · 29/05/2021 18:20

This dynamic comes up in ' The Butterfly Club' by Jacqueline Wilson. The mum wants the triplets to do everything together, but the teacher of the Year 3 sisters, thinks it's better if they forge their separate friendships. In the end they all get a best friend to match their shared interests, and still get to sometimes hang out as a big group. The book presents independence as healthy, and reading the book, I agree.

I suppose you have to be sensitive and alert to upset, but nothing wrong with it, I'm sure.

Chanel05 · 29/05/2021 18:23

I think its totally fine.

I invited one of a set of twins to my birthday as a child as I wasn't friends with the other. However, she was unwell so the mum sent the other 🤔. It wasn't a case that I wouldn't notice either as they are male and female!

purplepoppet92 · 29/05/2021 18:24

As a twin myself, who grew up sharing a friendship group, I would have found it incredibly hurtful to be left out.
The other twin doesn't have to come, but should be invited.

If they were in different friendship groups then fine, but when they're in the same group I would think its quite cruel to leave one child out

Cattitudes · 29/05/2021 18:25

Would your son be amenable to having the other twin over a different time? Then you could posit it like that with the mother, twin A comes this week, twin B comes in a fortnight. Alternatively if the other twin is closer to another child in their group then he might have that child for a sleepover while twin A is with you, that is what the mother of the twins I know tends to do. I think you won't know until you ask her but I don't think there is anything wrong with just having one child at a time.

Minfilia · 29/05/2021 18:35

Also an identical twin mum.

Going against the grain slightly but if my twins had been invited to a sleepover individually, they wouldn’t have wanted to go. They’re joined at the hip in a borderline codependent way though.

One twin was miserable being separated in secondary school and the school ended up putting them back into a class together.

They’ve always had their own bedrooms but always chose to sleep in the same room, until age 14!

Having said that I still think it’s fine to invite just one. But in our case the invite would have been declined.

Glittertwins · 29/05/2021 18:47

Might be different for me as i have a boy and girl however there has never been an issue where one has gone and not the other. They are close and get on well but are also independent

Sarahandco · 29/05/2021 19:21

I would talk to the mum. My friend has twins and she is currently having issues with them resenting being together all the time, so it might be that they will be very happy about the singular invite.

FuzzyPenguin · 29/05/2021 19:35

Thank you for this thread, my DS is best friends with twins but slightly closer to one than the other this has been helpful for me to get an insight on what might be ahead

Original poster
brushandmop · 29/05/2021 20:33

So many varied opinions and really interesting to hear from twins/ parents of twins.

My gut instinct has always been that it would be hurtful as friendship group is shared. We'll do our best to make it work with both given the space limits and we'll have a chat with DS about if he's talked to his friends about it.

Thanks so much to everyone

OP posts:
lanthanum · 29/05/2021 23:02

My brother had a friend round to play who was a triplet - his mum was very happy - most people felt they had to have all or none so they didn't get very many invites!

fabricstash · 29/05/2021 23:10

I am a triplet- it’s absolutely fine and great to not be part of a set sometimes! It seem strange being a grown up and no one sees the set anymore. It was great in many ways but also very challenging

MustBeTheWine · 29/05/2021 23:40

It's fine. My DS has 2 sets of twins in his class. 1 set are non identical (boy and girl) and the other set are identical boys. DS is friends with the non identical boy twin and one of the identical twins. The two he's friends with are came to his party last week and the tw 2 friends twins didn't get an invite. There were no issues or hard feelings. I know it's been said before earlier in the thread but twins are allowed separate friends. I hope your DC has a lovely party 🥳

lovelybitofsquirrell · 29/05/2021 23:49

Ask the mum. I've got twins and one wouldn't go without the other. Mainly because they won't sleep without each other. They are incredibly close and similar personalities, therefore they tend to have the same friendship group. As their mum I do try to encourage them to be independent of each other.

On the other hand my sisters twins are completely different characters and have diffferent friendship groups. They would love separate sleep overs.

Holly60 · 30/05/2021 07:08

[quote brushandmop]@Wishitsnows haha!

Thanks everyone, they do a lot of things together and usually they go on sleepovers together too (bigger houses than ours!)

But yes, of course you're right about them being separate personalities etc. I would hate to upset a child but I hadn't considered that doing something apart would be beneficial too.[/quote]
Why don’t you just contact their mum and ask her what her opinion is. She knows them best and will know if they will be up for it or not.