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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only invite one twin to sleepover

79 replies

brushandmop · 29/05/2021 12:17

Hi everyone,

Advice needed and hopefully can get some from mums with twins.

My DS has a good group of friends however he says he is closest to one in particular. They have similar personalities and have been friends for years. The boy my DS regards as his closest friend is a twin and both boys are part of the friendship group. We've previously always invited both boys to parties and play dates.

DS wants a sleepover at ours with the twin he is closest to but we are worried the other twin might feel left out. Space is a practical issue too. DSs room can only have one other mattress on the floor and we don't have a playroom/extra living room.

Is this something anyone else has faced or am I overthinking it? Both boys are lovely and we could have both if we had the space but DS is also only wanting to spend time with his close friend.

Thanks!

OP posts:

hellswelshy · 29/05/2021 12:56

I'm a mum of identical twins. It's absolutely fine op, in fact good for them to have their own friends and experiences

GU24Mum · 29/05/2021 13:01

If you're only inviting one child for a sleepover then unless the friendship group is only your son and the twins then surely it's fine and no different than for the other children in their group?

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 29/05/2021 13:06

How will you know which one turns up!!!

Redruby82 · 29/05/2021 13:13

As a parent of twins - yes it's absolutely fine! My twins have completely different friendship groups and quite often get invited separately in fact although they are quite close they don't do a lot together!

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 29/05/2021 13:14

We're the same. My son is best friends with one twin, and friendship group with her other.
We do both. Sometimes invite both boys over, especially if a bunch of the other kids are coming too. Sometimes just invite the one over.
Never had any issue from their mum or the other twin. He has his own closer friends and he goes off with them. When I do invite them both, their mum always triple checks I'm sure because of how often the argue when they're together! It's good for siblings to have time away from each other with their own friends.

kittycorner · 29/05/2021 13:19

Definitely have a quiet word with the Mum first. I know 7 family members/close friends with twins and I will say some are very particular about these things - social invites etc. Shifts as the kids get older and into secondary.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2021 13:23

At 9 I wouldn’t think twice about it, would be different if younger and they didn’t have as much understanding.

Dartsplayer · 29/05/2021 13:28

Mum of twins here - it's fine to ask one without the other. It's down to the parents to get their children to understand that they won't always both be invited to everything or (nor should they). Hope they enjoy the sleepover

ittakes2 · 29/05/2021 13:31

Also twin mum - I am sure its the opposite - the twins would appreciate being treated as individuals. I don't think there is a twin mum I know that would expect you to invite both twins all the time.

Nogoodusername · 29/05/2021 13:42

I would speak to the mum. I know a couple of twins who would be absolutely fine with it, and a couple of sets who definitely wouldn’t and the parents wouldn’t be either!

Dilbertian · 29/05/2021 13:45

One of my dc has been friends with a pair of twins since nursery. They always came as a pair. Friendships fluctuate, as they do. The twins were in separate classes, and my dc tended to be closer to the twin in the same class. Once we started inviting one twin but not the other, there began to be reasons why the twin could not come over to us - though my dc was always welcome to go to their house. The individual friendships petered out, though the three of them remained within the same circle. But outside school they only ever meet up at group events.

Around about Y10/11, I noticed the individual friendships brighten again, without parental involvement. Recently I learned that it had been the twin's mother all along - she had refused to allow them to have individual friendships, claiming that it was unfair to the other twin. Eventually they rebelled. So much so that they chose their sixth forms privately, without involving their mother, and decided together which would stay in our town and which would go to sixth form in the next town. The twins are still close and have many friends in common (including my dc), but they have independent social lives.

2bazookas · 29/05/2021 13:48

My GC twins are often invited separately to playdates, parties, activities and sleepovers. It's completely normal.

KrisAkabusi · 29/05/2021 13:49

Unless you're going to dripfeed that they're conjoined, it's fine. Unless they are literally joined at the hip, they will do different things over their lives, including having different friends.

BluebellsGreenbells · 29/05/2021 13:59

I have twins and the ‘left out’ comments are worrying!

What about all that extra one to one time with parents? The special trips out for tea? Or another friend invited over for a sleepover?

They aren’t a sad money clingon!

Plus mine would be told ‘it’s not your turn’ when one was inter and the other wasn’t, they weren’t short of sleepovers or parties.

No one worried about the eldest ‘being left out’

nestlestealswater · 29/05/2021 14:02

I have twins. I like it when they are invited to things separately. It's good for them to do things on their own and I would hate to think that one of them wasn't invited to something because the parents thought that they had to invite both.

I think I'd invite him via the mum though, just in case there are current issues that you are unaware of.

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 29/05/2021 14:05

Oh, come on, most people would feel left out of they weren't invited somewhere. Even adults! I don't get this attitude that if twins prefer to be together, they must have abusive parents or something. My twins wouldn't have liked to go for a sleepover without each other in primary school. It's a perfectly normal and valid way for them to feel. So, I would definitely have declined this kind of invitation. Like I said before, not all twins feel the same way about things.

nestlestealswater · 29/05/2021 14:10

@CrazyCatsAndKittens nobody has said that if twins prefer to be together they must have abusive parents just that it's fine to invite just one. If they don't want to go then that's fine, they can just decline.

They don't have to feel left out though, if one twin gets invited somewhere you can make it a really special evening for the other one. Favourite takeaway or a movie, snuggled up for that very rare alone time with just mum! They might think that they've got the best deal!

mam0918 · 29/05/2021 14:12

I wouldnt do that.

You said both twins are friends with your DS and in the same friend group so you are leaving one out.

If the twins where independant thats different (I knew twins growing up that had completely different friends, hobbies, didnt even like each other so made sense to just invite one) but these two are BOTH share your DS as a friend and you are seperating them in a game of favorites.

Berthatydfil · 29/05/2021 14:13

Groups of 3 can sometimes cause a difficult dynamic and I would say more so if 2 of the 3 were twins. I think it’s fine to ask just one of them for a sleepover but I wouldn’t leave the other out in a larger group party or similar.

I wouldn’t ask the mum as such I would just say my ds would love Fred to come round for a sleepover and just not mention the other one. I would be concerned if the mum then wanted you to invite the other twin, it’s not fair to your son and it’s not fair to either of her dc as one isn’t being able to act as an individual and the other is being forced into friendship activities where he’s not really wanted.
My ds was friends with one of multiple. They had their own friends as their mum really encouraged it.
In the long run making them do things together won’t work as they could well be split up in secondary school and they maybe want to chose different activities etc and if they aren’t used to being independent it will be a big shock to them.

Workinghardeveryday · 29/05/2021 14:17

Mum of twins here. There have been times in the past where one was invited for parties/sleep overs and the other wasn’t. The one left out was always very sad, one because they were not invited and two because they missed the other.
We always end up having to do something ‘special’ with the one left out.
They are nice kids and would never complain, they usually go a bit withdrawn or I find them crying their room.
Sorry maybe not want you wanted to hear. I always feel desperately sad for the one not invited, especially if they have had a couple of invites in a row and the other hasn’t.
Can you invite one a week?

Workinghardeveryday · 29/05/2021 14:18

To add the one that went to the sleep over sometimes gets sad because they miss the one at home

MrsIsobelCrawley · 29/05/2021 14:33

Why was wishitsnows post deleted? It was quite funny.

I don't think it was rude.

Frazzled2207 · 29/05/2021 14:34

I think it's fine but best to speak to the mum I think. If there are genuine practical considerations eg not space for two, then I think it's straightforward.

Chasanddive · 29/05/2021 14:38

I’m a twin and we weren’t joined at the hip. It’s fine to invite one and not the other. Don’t worry about it

shouldistop · 29/05/2021 14:40

@MrsIsobelCrawley the term 'Siamese twins' instead of conjoined twins is quite widely known as offensive.

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