Does every parent feel like this?

[Heyduggee123]

Bit of background as I don’t want to drip feed

5 rounds of IVF over 8 years
In between cycles my 15 months old DNiece died of SIDS
Last round of IVF we got our amazing, now 2 year old twins
TW1 - very small, still very small. When she was 8 months old she had suspected meningitis which turned out to be sepsis. Absolutely terrifying.

She is currently poorly with a nasty ear infection. She picks up every single bug going. She is on antibiotics, but 3 days in she is still running a temperature and I’m so worried.

This is the part where I’m not sure if I’m “normal” whenever either one of them is poorly, I don’t deal with it very well. It’s like this fog descends, I’m checking their temperature every 5 minutes. Normal things like putting washing on or mundane things feel like I’m climbing a mountain, I can’t seem to keep a straight thought in my head. I am totally unorganised and feel overwhelmed by everything.

As soon as they perk up and get better everything is good with the world again. Everything runs smoothly, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted, I’m organised and on it with daily activities and trips out.

Does anyone else feel like this when their kids are poorly? My DH certainly doesn’t, of course he worries and hates to see them poorly but I feel like I almost shut down from every other activity apart from worrying about them.

Is this just being a parent?

A very high proportion of people who have a back story like yours feels like that, I'm sure.

I had a baby in NICU, and some scary times, I also felt incredibly scared by normal illnesses after that. I would have to check on breathing etc., and would need to read up on every risk.

It gets better with time, it really does.

I think you should be kind to yourself, you've had an incredibly hard time imo .

@picturesandpickles

A very high proportion of people who have a back story like yours feels like that, I'm sure.

I had a baby in NICU, and some scary times, I also felt incredibly scared by normal illnesses after that. I would have to check on breathing etc., and would need to read up on every risk.

It gets better with time, it really does.

I think you should be kind to yourself, you've had an incredibly hard time imo .

This. Prem baby born at 28 weeks with a NICU stay. It does get better in time

It sounds like a very understandable reaction to some traumatic events. So sorry about your niece.

Yes very much so.

I was fifteen years, multiple losses, three failed IVF. Discharged, on donor list, then fell pregnant and carried to full term.

I think initially I went into shock, because I never believed it would happen. I had bought nothing. Then a friend visited and brought her three and a nasty cold. I went over the edge. I was absolutely terrified something would take my baby,

I ended up having counselling, diagnosis of post natal anxiety. It came back last winter after a short spell in nursery and picking up every bug going. I went back to counselling. Second baby then arrived.

I would say I am overall better, but still very anxious thinking about them being unwell. The strange thing is when it happens I am ok. Last weekend we had a sick bug and at the time I was fine, the next night I was a nervous wreck.

It's bloody horrible. I'm trying to keep an eye but not sure I will ever get over it to be honest.

No, your worry is excessive, but totally understandable given the IVF, the previous illness and the awful loss of your niece. See if you can get help for it as it must be horrible, and doesn't help your little ones in the long run - they need you to be calm and grounded when they're ill, not half panicked. to you.

Not unreasonable but does sound like anxiety, which is understandable but fixable x

It sounds like anxiety to me. Speak to your GP about it. Worry is normal, feeling so worried it affects your day to day activities is not. If you can’t concentrate to read a book when they are (not seriously) ill for example, it’s anxiety and can be treated.

I once sent my DH to get the GP to check on something absolutely ridiculous. I mean vanishingly rare. Bless him, he went, and both he and the GP were so kind to me.

Some people told me I should be 'over it' by about three weeks after discharge .

And don't let people badge it as 'anxiety' - it is the normal process after trauma. Get a good counsellor and ignore anyone who doesn't understand the healing process.

Thanks everyone, I’m laid in bed crying my eyes out. I definitely am anxious, I probably just didn’t realise the extent of it xx

YANBU I get the same way when my youngest is ill as she was rushed into hospital at 2 days old. She had tubes, lights and wires all over the show and I couldn’t hold her, I just watched her like a hawk and sat there crying listening to her cry for me.
I know firsthand it can be exhausting to feel that way when you’re having to keep things ticking over, so maybe talk to a GP about how you feel when the children get ill.
OP

@Heyduggee123

Thanks everyone, I’m laid in bed crying my eyes out. I definitely am anxious, I probably just didn’t realise the extent of it xx

You are anxious, but it isn't 'anxiety,' it is totally understandable why you feel like that, it may be post-trauma?

I saw someone really good, that was very helpful.

@picturesandpickles

And don't let people badge it as 'anxiety' - it is the normal process after trauma. Get a good counsellor and ignore anyone who doesn't understand the healing process.

Absolutely this. you've been through a lot. Hope you get the help you need so you can respond in a less disabling way to these events. Your reaction is completely understandable but ultimately not helpful to you.

I had an easy ish route to pregnancy with a couple of losses and a couple of years of trying. I had a really traumatic labour and delivery and we were both injured. I ended up with ptsd and it manifested in serious health anxiety where dd was concerned. I eventually had trauma counselling and it made a huge difference. DD is 14 and I also have a 9yr old and I have my moments of course, but I'm so much better than I was. Please ask for some help. It doesn't have to be like this.

It does sound like a normal reaction to trauma, @Heyduggee123, and what you've described sounds very familiar to me as I'm very similar. It's awful - incredibly stressful and I get angry with myself because I'm normally a very rational, reasonable, stable person.

I tried counselling a couple of times but I didn't find it useful - maybe I didn't click with the counsellors and it was just bad luck; I've pinned my hopes on things getting easier as time goes on.

I think that it's fairly normal to feel this way.
I've never known what it was, I've got some anxiety issues, so I always wrote it off as that, but I think that genuinely many, many mothers feel this way.
Especially if you have longed for the babies you now have, and there have been health concerns in the past.

My pregnancy was straight forward with DD, she was born slightly late, perfectly healthy at 7lb 2oz.
A baby who was known to me during my pregnancy died at 6 months old of SIDS when DD was 4 days old.
I can remember there was a massive shift in me and my view of DD. Suddenly it was always in mind that she was very fragile, and the simplest illness would mean losing her.

It's been a massive pressure, especially given that she is just that sort of child who would pick up every cold going, had chicken pox 3 times (twice quite mild- 3rd time sufficiently to not get it again) tonsillitis repeatedly until her tonsils came out....and don't get me started on the accidents! It was fairly normal for her to come home with 2/3 incident letters a day from trips, falls and shutting doors on herself during the school day.

The only thing that's made it slightly better is getting DD into a decent multivitamin regime, a nutrient rich diet, regular exercise to help improve her immune system and teaching her to bw stringent with her hygiene- lessening the risks of her getting ill.

That and, as they get older, and bigger you start to realise they'll be better at telling you their symptoms, so you don't need to be on the lookout all the time.

I realised things got massively better by the time DD was 9 or 10.

But, genuinely, your kids are young, you have a few years until you can rely on the things I have to feel more assured. Have you thought of a few counselling sessions?
You'll get the opportunity to talk this through and maybe get to the root of the problem and enjoy your children's childhood without this constant anxiety hanging over your head.

Ever heard of the phrase “being sick with worry”. That’s what it is. Totally normal when you have very good cause to be worried about poorly young children.

I was like this after a difficult start with DD (first week in hospital, and I actually stayed awake the whole time even after 48 hour labour !!). Think I was very very anxious at least until she started school .
It gets better as they get older and get ill less, or at least get more recognisable illnesses eg multiple colds .
A GP once told me as long as she is drinking, it's ok.

Anxiety is irrational worry, yours is totally rational.

I was very similar after my DS was in NICU and very poorly straight after birth. I went to counselling when he was about 8 months (after a blue light trip and another stay in hospital) and felt like a weight was lifted. It can and does get easier. I could self refer in my area, so that might be worthwhile looking into. Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

A friend had a child with a traumatic illness and she had counselling and it helped her a lot , so definitely think thats a good suggestion.

I'm an emetophobe (didn't think that through before having kids) but due to a few events in my life [DC3 born with rare genetic condition and registered disabled and my mum literally dropping dead less than a year ago] my health anxiety has spiralled.

Not to mention the effect of adding a fucking pandemic to the mix.

I'm referring myself for CBT.

understandable - but not normal..you know that though or you wouldnt have posted

I was exactly like this with DD - NICU baby. It’s getting easier though- she is also 2. although tbf she hasn’t been propwrlt sick (minus the odd mild cold) in a while- so maybe I’ll fall apart again the next time it happens.
It sounds like you have been through so much and your reaction is totally normal in the circumstances. I do think it gets easier as they get older and more resilient though..

Yep- took seven rounds of IVF for me. Still can't believe it worked and still expect something to go wrong. It's got better over the years (DD is now 8) but I struggle when she's ill and often spiral into negative thoughts if there's even a hint of anything wrong. It's really hard and I feel for you