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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why are people so ageist?

53 replies

malificent7 · 28/05/2021 21:17

So why is it ok to make comments about age when it is unacceptable to make comments about race, sex or gender? For example i've had the following comments;
In response to being on fb " im on insta instead as i'm not old."
In response to me asking younger colleague about career aims " I'm not both etc as i'm young ( unlike you)."
Am i over sensitive bit why is it ok to discuss age and not race?
Is it because aging something we fear? Having said that, older people are guilty of looking down on younger people hence the millenial/ boomer strife?

Why the need to hide our age , especially as women and why are older prople not celebrated as wise,? Having said that, I was touched by the respect given to Captain Tom Moore. I have also been guilty of agism and yet it is something that ALL humans face regardless of sex, creed or colour.

OP posts:

Babbly · 28/05/2021 21:27

Did someone actually say that or are you paraphrasing? Also, were they joking? How old actually are you? The instagram comment is absolutely something I'd say to my sister, who's mid-30s, because she's not old and it's funny. I'm mid-20s and a friend asked me today if I'm "getting soft in my old age", are you just more sensitive to these comments because you're feeling old? When I was at uni I laughed so hard a little pee came out and a friend said "well, when you reach a certain age, that's just what happens".
I think of a lot of actual hostility towards middle-aged people or boomers comes from a frustration that many people of that age a) refuse to recognise that the world has changed from when they were younger and expect their advice to be valid when it often isn't, b) seem completely unaware of how old millennials actually are and say things like "oh, Millennials are just going to university to drink" when some Millennials are now 40 and c) think that respect is earned purely through age and not through behaving in a mutually respectful way or a way that deserves respecting. This obviously isn't all middle aged people or all boomers but it does tend to be a loud minority and it causes friction.

Original poster

malificent7 · 28/05/2021 21:50

Fair point that respect is not earned just through age. I guess i admit that i feel that younger should respect older people but i can see that is a flawed pov.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 28/05/2021 22:02

Well obviously, old does not necessarily mean wise. There are plenty of ignorant, idiotic 70 year olds. As there are in any any group.
I adore my 100 year old grandmother and respect her in every way.
However, she’s 100. Her short term memory is very poor. She understands very little of modern technology. So in some ways I am more ‘wise’ than her.
I believe we can learn things from all age groups.
I didn’t think either of your examples seemed ageist? Presumably they didn’t actually say you were old? You just read that as an implication.

ragged · 28/05/2021 22:24

Why the need to hide our age

I don't.

I don't mind someone pointing out the oldies are on Facebook & the youngsters on TikTok. I see this as factual observation of predominant trends not prejudice.

Dionne Warwick has an Instagram account. She's no spring chicken. DW is quite funny on Twitter.

phoenixrosehere · 28/05/2021 22:36

Well obviously, old does not necessarily mean wise. There are plenty of ignorant, idiotic 70 year olds. As there are in any any group.

This. I will also ask, why do you OP think older people deserve automatic respect or more respect because they were lucky enough to reach or surpass a magic number?

“Respecting your elders” to many older people means it’s a free pass to treat anyone under them however they want even when they’re the ones in the wrong. They can be rude as they want to be and ignore common courtesies that they would complain about if younger people did the same.

No one gets automatic respect from me. They get courtesy. I open the door for people. I ask people if they need help. If I see someone struggling who needs a seat, I will get up. Age is not a reason in my book.

callmemaybee · 28/05/2021 22:49

As someone in their early 20s, people my age are discriminated against just as frequently! I work in an entry level grad role with people that are twice my age in the exact same role/salary. They may have even less experience than I but still patronise me and act as if they’re my manager based on my age.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 28/05/2021 22:50

I've had the opposite "you're too young to do your job", "I've had more life experience than you" etc.
I would never assume I deserve more respect due to my age. I think it's wrong that people do. I've known many incredible young people who have had the misfortune of dying young. Doesn't mean they're less deserving of respect than old people.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 28/05/2021 22:51

People judge. Old equals doddery and not very capable for some people. Experience isn’t always valued and there’s an assumption that being older means a closed mind and unwillingness to learn new things

I judge. I judge people who ‘hun’ and ‘hubs’ and use ‘txt’ and can’t spell or use correct grammar. I judge people who wear certain types of clothing, particularly pyjamas during the day.

We all make judgements about people, young or old, but I do believe that there is ageism. I think that older people were brought up at a time when respect for elders and those in authority was insisted upon. It’s not the same today. People don’t offer respect automatically and young people are more likely to challenge authority then was the case in past years.

callmemaybee · 28/05/2021 22:53

Am i over sensitive bit why is it ok to discuss age and not race?

Wow. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I missed this absolute gem. Cannot believe you actually thought that through and typed that out. People are literally murdered due to their skin tone and perceived ethnicity and I do not need to remind you how non-white people have historically been treated by white people. The 2 are not comparable. What is wrong with you?

callmemaybee · 28/05/2021 22:54

Let’s be honest though, do old people respect young people? They’re incredibly disrespectful also.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 28/05/2021 23:09

callmemaybee Thank you for pointing that out, I'd missed that too!

How idiotic do you have to be to think those issues are remotely the same?! I have been verbally, physically and sexually assaulted due to the colour of my skin (the sexual abuse entailed comments during rape such as "I've never been with a black girl before"). I have never experienced abuse due to my age. Idiotic comments? Yes. Abuse? No.

Custardo · 28/05/2021 23:13

valid points above.
that said - i know what you mean, I'm only now at the age where - this very year - i now know I'm old. I'm lucky, I've got a job that's good. i am at the age where i am looking at pensions and thinking "thank fuck i took out that policy". i know what you mean - i really do, but its like lots of other aspects of life we are made - as women - to feel inferior about. I've decided to embrace it - I'm partial to watching a tiktok - but i wouldn't make one (big up Judy dench) i have an insta - but i don't use it much ... i intend to though, soon - i do! FB is my jam - and lets face it - its of an era - our era. i try to keep up - to not be 'old' whether that's social media or tunes but i am actively trying - young people are not trying - its just a day to day. getting old sucks massive cock....that said i;m off to dye my greying hair for the first time in ages as im seeing a mate tomoz i havent seen in a while and ive convinced myself that dying the grey will make me look 30 again

Original poster

malificent7 · 28/05/2021 23:19

I agree that people have been treated appaulingly due to race...noone can deny that but peopke are discriminated and overlooked due to age.
People make loads of comments about age but not about race at work. Dd is mixed race so i'm not racist...she gets comments from other kids but at work I wouldn't dream about making comments about differing races or ages to me but people make comments/ judgements about age.

OP posts:

HumunaHey · 28/05/2021 23:20

You lost me with you're opening sentence comparing comments about age to race. Such an ignorant comment to make.

HumunaHey · 28/05/2021 23:21

@malificent7

I agree that people have been treated appaulingly due to race...noone can deny that but peopke are discriminated and overlooked due to age. People make loads of comments about age but not about race at work. Dd is mixed race so i'm not racist...she gets comments from other kids but at work I wouldn't dream about making comments about differing races or ages to me but people make comments/ judgements about age.

More ignorance.

FelicityBeedle · 28/05/2021 23:22

Your examples seem more like you being a bit over sensitive if I’m honest

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 28/05/2021 23:24

@malificent7 - judging by your last comment, I'd really stop there if I were you.

mellicauli · 28/05/2021 23:28

Why don't you delete this thread and start again? The race comments are not well thought out and are going to cause a lot of upset.

Freecuthbert · 28/05/2021 23:28

I've said some things in the past which people have taken the wrong way and assumed I was calling them an old hag or something, when that is not the case at all. So I wonder if this could be one of those things.

For example, someone mentioned a band to me that I'm not familiar with but have seen my mum owns a record by them, so I said, "oh I don't know them, but my mum listens to them". And then they got quite defensive about it and asked if I was calling them old. My mum isn't even old! It's just the only reference point I had really and didn't know what else to say. Another time when I was pregnant someone said "don't cross your legs because the umbilical cord will wrap around your baby's neck" (wtf) so I asked if it was an old wive's tale. Cue "are you calling me old"

Original poster

malificent7 · 28/05/2021 23:29

I have had loads of harassment for being a woman and scorn for being an older woman.

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 28/05/2021 23:34

I am genuinely sorry if I caused upset and will stop now...but i do feel that it is " acceptable" to be agist.

OP posts:

Notthemessiah · 28/05/2021 23:59

@malificent7

Fair point that respect is not earned just through age. I guess i admit that i feel that younger should respect older people but i can see that is a flawed pov.

Can you say why exactly you feel that way? I'd go further and say that respect isn't earned just through age in any way at all. Age may have given you more time to do things that would probably deserve respect, but that doesn't mean you've necessarily done any of them.

At the same time age on its own shouldn't be a cause for disrespect either, young or old, in the same way as race or gender so I certainly agree with you there.

ZenNudist · 29/05/2021 00:07

Because aging is never going to happen to them.

WrongWayApricot · 29/05/2021 00:16

The other way is really rude too, when I hear people say they don't like babies/children/teenagers. Basically the only acceptable age is 20-39 for women and 20-50 for men. I've been pleased to see older women on adverts more now though, so maybe this ageism stuff will start to die out. Especially in a more global and longer living society where generations aren't so strictly kept apart.

WrongWayApricot · 29/05/2021 00:27

Also, I don't feel you're trying to be racist or insensitive. PP are right that they're not comparable but I think you've made good points even without mentioning race. It's not offensive if you genuinely didn't know it wasn't appropriate to compare those types of discrimination. I hope this discussion can continue away from the comparisons.

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