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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be annoyed by exDH online gaming with son?!

42 replies

Morethanarainbow · 28/05/2021 14:00

My exH and I have our two kids 50:50. We have a son and a daughter.

Our son, like many teenage boys, plays a lot of games online. It's his favorite thing!

On "my" days with the kids, my son plays games online in the evening, not just with his friends, but with exDH (and sometimes exDHs friends). I can hear his side of the conversation (its a very small house), and it is obvious he is talking to his Dad, not to a friend.

I know this sounds crazy, but it just makes me feel like exDH is in my house!

Aaargh!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2021 14:02

Can he use headphones?

WineAcademy · 28/05/2021 14:03

I get where you're coming from, but you can't expect your child to pretend his dad doesn't exist on "your" days.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2021 14:04

Why shouldn't he game with his dad?
Is there a big drip feed coming?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2021 14:04

I think you're being very silly. I'd be happy my son has a good relationship with his dad, and your ex is not "in your house." FGS.

MarjorieBouvier · 28/05/2021 14:06

Lovely to hear stories of involved exh's instead of the usual deadbeat dad stories!

AlmostSummer21 · 28/05/2021 14:06

Head phones.

Babbly · 28/05/2021 14:09

This is literally ideal. Online gaming can be somewhat dangerous so to know he's playing with his dad and his dad's friends means he's got people there looking out for him online and ensuring he's not being groomed or bullied. His dad is involved in his life, sees him 50:50, spends online time with him and shares his interests. If you really have an issue with hearing your ex's voice then get some headphones but otherwise this sounds great.

Mandsy100 · 28/05/2021 14:10

I think you are in a good position. Your dh is at the same time monitoring the online games. Your ds would be playing anyway, so best with his dad?

Notonthestairs · 28/05/2021 14:15

Headphones.

(But then you'll only hear one side of what is being said - I am very nosey so that might not bother you!)

CorvusPurpureus · 28/05/2021 14:19

100% headphones.

I have this a lot. I don't want my ghastly xh's voice & raucous laughter bellowing round the house, thanks.

We also have 'camera on for online chatting in the bedroom only' as a rule, because I don't want xh staring out of a laptop at my living room, either.

With ground rules, it works fine, & honestly, Ds finds it a great way to stay connected with his dad by actually doing something with him, rather than awkward 'how was school?' 'Fine' chats (dc & I are overseas so online contact is really important).

Also, be ready to head off 1) swearing whilst gaming & 2) tantrums about screen time & bedtime 3) games you disapprove of as Ds gets older. So there's a lot to be said for making it clear from the outset that he's still in your home & in your care & following your house rules.

Nothing like a 2am row with a hyped up 14yo over screaming 'FUCK OFF' at GTA to really enhance a school night

OverTheRubicon · 28/05/2021 14:19

Yabu.

However I also have a son and ex who love gaming and I do have some sympathy - because it can feel like a way for the ex to end up having all the fun with them, while your interactions with them are all about the less fun routine stuff and often trying to get them to actually stay off the computer for more than 10 minutes at a time (while their dad has no limits because he's a screen obsessive too).

Is your annoyance because you'd actually like the time with him, or just from thinking of your ex?

Ultimately it's better he's playing with his dad than a total stranger and nice he still likes his parents. If it's that you're a bit envious of their time together / shared interest, are there ways you can provide fun alternatives - maybe other activities you can enjoy together, from a TV show to learning to cook? Could you even have him teach you some games?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 28/05/2021 14:19

@MarjorieBouvier

Lovely to hear stories of involved exh's instead of the usual deadbeat dad stories!
Completely agree. I think it's lovely that your son has such a good relationship with his dad.
Original poster
Morethanarainbow · 28/05/2021 14:42

@OverTheRubicon

I guess there is a little jealousy on my part. I struggle a bit to socially engage with my son, compared with my daughter. So it feels like exDH has him effectively all week!

I do try to get him to do things, but I just don't "get" Minecraft and all the other games, let alone the horrible violent shooty ones! He doesn't want to do much else.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/05/2021 14:43

Good that his dad is so involved with his DC and surely better he is chatting with his dad than randoms?!

Can understand why this might be irritating if you have any ill feelings towards your ex but from an outside perspective YABU i think.

greyinganddecaying · 28/05/2021 14:43

While I agree with other posters, I understand where you're coming from OP.

My OH is a gamer and often games (in person) with my DS. It does feel like I'm the one telling him to do his homework/tidy his room/etc etc, then OH gets to be the "fun parent".

OP in your shoes I'd establish ground rules about gaming (eg not all evening, every evening) and carve out some time for you to do fun stuff together. Then as others have said, get your DS a pair of headphones so you don't need to hear his annoying voice!

Bibidy · 28/05/2021 14:48

I understand OP, my DP plays online games with his kids as well and I do feel for their mum as I think it's quite an intrusion, especially when it's at an inconvenient time or the kids are demanding to play with DP on, say, a Saturday morning when she wants to take them out. Also, when SD plays she plays through the games console on their main TV so my DP's voice will be reverberating round his ex's house.

I think it's especially harsh in your case because your ex already has the kids 50% so it's quite an encroachment on your time with them.

It's hard, could you approach your ex about maybe only playing a couple of nights a week or something, if you're amicable? Or maybe plan a film night or something for you and the kids so your son is spending some time with you as well and knows ahead of time he's not free to play.

Bibidy · 28/05/2021 14:49

PS, I think OP's son already has a headset because she said she can hear his side of the conversation and it's clear he's speaking to his dad.

Original poster
Morethanarainbow · 28/05/2021 14:55

@Bibidy

Yes, you are correct - he does use a headset. It's my son't half of the conversation I can hear, which includes him shouting things like "Daaaaad, I can't believe you killed your own son".

OP posts:
Bibidy · 28/05/2021 14:58

[quote Morethanarainbow]@Bibidy

Yes, you are correct - he does use a headset. It's my son't half of the conversation I can hear, which includes him shouting things like "Daaaaad, I can't believe you killed your own son".[/quote]
I get you OP, and I honestly sympathise so much.

I have spoken to my DP about this and said to him how would you feel if their mum was doing things like this with them on your time with them, you wouldn't like it. But difference is my DP only has them EOW so it's a way to keep in touch in the periods in between.

I think in a 50/50 scenario they have plenty of time to play together when they are together and it shouldn't really take over your time with your son.

Obviously as a teen, he will be free to spend a lot of time as he wants, but in your shoes I'd be very tempted to maybe set up some regular routines for you and the kids. Like maybe you do a film night every Friday, get a takeaway on Saturdays and watch TV together. Whatever you can really.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/05/2021 14:59

YABTotallyU

Theunamedcat · 28/05/2021 15:00

Yup on the odd occasion my ex engaged with our son online i felt like he was invading my personal space i did not feel comfortable at all especially when he kept saying get your mom involved we can be a family Hmm last time I played with him he got pissed i beat him then traded in my controller and the only game i liked towards a one player game so I could never do it again

So no

Original poster
Morethanarainbow · 28/05/2021 15:01

The thing is, my son spends less time playing computer games when he is at his Dad's, because when he is there they watch Marvel/Star Wars films together and play wargames on the kitchen table.

That kind of thing just isn't me though. If I could find something we could enjoy doing together then maybe I would have more success dragging him away from his computer in the evening.... Any ideas anyone?

OP posts:
JellyTumble · 28/05/2021 15:01

YABVU. Your sons father is engaged with him, wants to spend time with him and you know your son is safe with him.

You had children with this man, he isn’t going anywhere just because you’re not together anymore.

JellyTumble · 28/05/2021 15:02

Why do you want to drag him away from an activity he enjoys? Confused

Original poster
Morethanarainbow · 28/05/2021 15:05

@JellyTumble

I suppose partly because I think playing computer games for hours on end isn't a healthy thing to do, and partly because I'd like him to do things which involve him more with me and his younger sister.

OP posts:
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