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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be annoyed by exDH online gaming with son?!

42 replies

Morethanarainbow · 28/05/2021 14:00

My exH and I have our two kids 50:50. We have a son and a daughter.

Our son, like many teenage boys, plays a lot of games online. It's his favorite thing!

On "my" days with the kids, my son plays games online in the evening, not just with his friends, but with exDH (and sometimes exDHs friends). I can hear his side of the conversation (its a very small house), and it is obvious he is talking to his Dad, not to a friend.

I know this sounds crazy, but it just makes me feel like exDH is in my house!

Aaargh!

OP posts:

Bibidy · 28/05/2021 15:07

@Morethanarainbow

The thing is, my son spends less time playing computer games when he is at his Dad's, because when he is there they watch Marvel/Star Wars films together and play wargames on the kitchen table.

That kind of thing just isn't me though. If I could find something we could enjoy doing together then maybe I would have more success dragging him away from his computer in the evening.... Any ideas anyone?

I think I'd be tempted to suck it up and start watching some of those films with him. Not ideal and deadly dull for you, but it will at least engage him and actually allow you to spend some time with him.

Maybe find a show he's interested in on Netflix or Amazon and watch that with him?? That could be a good few hours. I hear Umbrella Academy is good for those who like superheroes!

MustBeTheWine · 28/05/2021 15:07

I'm sorry but YABU. My eldest DS plays a lot of video games on his ps4 and he regularly playes with his DF (seperated from his DF years ago) and also his aunt (DFs Dsis) who is also an avid gamer. I see no problem in it and I think its great that they're all having a good time together.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2021 15:11

Good advice from Bibidy

Honestly, the amount of fucking Star Wars crap I have sat through to bond with my step son is unreal. It’s almost as bad as Lego which was his obsession for years. But you do just suck it up. You meet them where they are doing what they’re into, rather than hoping they’ll change their interests.

Lego, volcanic rock, dinosaurs, sharks, Victorian inventors, Romans, all stuff I’ve got to know so we had stuff to talk about that he enjoyed.

If you don’t want to game with him (that’s where I draw the line myself) then you need to find other things you can tolerate and get involved with.

JellyTumble · 28/05/2021 15:13

[quote Morethanarainbow]@JellyTumble

I suppose partly because I think playing computer games for hours on end isn't a healthy thing to do, and partly because I'd like him to do things which involve him more with me and his younger sister.[/quote]
You need to involve yourself in things he likes. It doesn’t matter if you’re not interested in Star Wars/Marvel/Video Games - you pretend to be.

You engage with him on what he loves. So you listen when he talks to you about it, you take part in conversations and remember what he’s told you, you watch the films with him regardless of if you find them boring, you learn to play the games he likes (you won’t hate them all).

It sounds like you don’t really care what he’s interested in because you’re not into it and you want him to enjoy something you want to do. But it doesn’t work like that - you’re the parent, you should engage in his interests.

I suspect (though you won’t admit it) that if he was playing with friends instead of his dad you wouldn’t be as fussed.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 28/05/2021 15:15

In your first post the issue seemed to be more that he was playing with his dad rather than playing at all. Now you say you want to drag him away from the computer and it just comes across as jealousy.
I understand that it sucks that he has also become friends with his dad and you're just "mum" but in the nicest way possible YABVU. This is a really positive thing for your son and your ex is a really good dad.

ViciousJackdaw · 28/05/2021 15:42

I'd like him to do things which involve him more with me and his younger sister

How old is his sister? Also, what is there to do which all three of you will be happy with? Something which neither party finds boring, babyish, 'for boys/girls' etc. Could you even decide on a film that is both suitable and of interest for all three of you?

Planty13 · 28/05/2021 15:47

YABU but I’d hate it too

Original poster

Morethanarainbow · 28/05/2021 15:55

@ViciousJackdaw

His sister is only 8, and more into Disney princesses, so finding common ground there is quite tricky!

OP posts:

miltonj · 28/05/2021 15:57

Yeah I get it. Sounds a bit annoying to hear your ex's voice in your house! But I think it's just one of those things unfortunately. It's good that he's got a good relationship with his dad.

Maybe some one on one time with him? If possible. You don't say how old but do you think he'd like doing something 'grown up'? Like going for a meal. If he's young teens he might love this with you.

JellyTumble · 28/05/2021 15:58

[quote Morethanarainbow]@ViciousJackdaw

His sister is only 8, and more into Disney princesses, so finding common ground there is quite tricky![/quote]
Why not get him to introduce her to Star Wars?

If she likes Disney Princesses she might like Leia (though I will stress that despite Disney now owning Star Wars, Princess Leia is not a Disney Princess!) and then that’s something all three of you can do together.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/05/2021 16:00

@Babbly

This is literally ideal. Online gaming can be somewhat dangerous so to know he's playing with his dad and his dad's friends means he's got people there looking out for him online and ensuring he's not being groomed or bullied. His dad is involved in his life, sees him 50:50, spends online time with him and shares his interests. If you really have an issue with hearing your ex's voice then get some headphones but otherwise this sounds great.

^This is my reaction as well. Your DS is safer with his Dad online than without.

cravingpistachiocake · 28/05/2021 16:04

How about trying a new hobby together?
If he likes war games then I expect he’d enjoy a tabletop RPG like Dungeons and Dragons. It would take a bit of research to learn how to play but if you wanted to engage with him it might be ideal as a shared hobby. His sister could even play as a princess 😁

Take a look at YouTube if you’re interested, or there’s a good article here.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.gameinformer.com/b/features/archive/2016/07/22/top-of-the-table-introducing-kids-to-rpgs.aspx%3famp

Bibidy · 28/05/2021 16:19

Can't you see where OP is coming from though? Dad already has the kids 50% of the time, and now a load of mum's 50% is being spent playing games online with him too .

Although it's nice for OP's son, I can see why she feels a bit upset about it when she's already without her kids half the time as it is.

CyberGhost · 28/05/2021 16:31

I would actually have no problem with this! I think it's such a great bonding thing for the two of them and it's super important.

However, I absolutely get that feeling of not having anything "in common" that you and your son could bond over. Maybe you could ask him about his interests in games etc and see if you can find some common ground?

CyberGhost · 28/05/2021 16:32

There are also a lot of silly, family games you can play on PS4 (we have Overcooked which is hilarious) and it's something your daughter can do too!

kavalkada · 28/05/2021 17:18

If he likes war games, you could try and find board games you can all play together. Maybe visit one of the board game cafes with him and your daughter and find something you can all play together.

FlapSnacks · 28/05/2021 20:10

I totally get this. My children’s dad lives overseas and even the once a week Skype is challenging as his face and voice in the house I used to find really difficult. He suggested the gaming idea and I said no as mine still little at moment so don’t do any games online but no doubt it’ll creep in in the future 🤦‍♀️

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