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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law Bought me a new engagement ring

59 replies

Debbierocket123 · 28/05/2021 10:19

Last year I got engaged (horary!) and due to the lockdown situation I had a bit more time for exercise so have lost a fair bit of weight and now my engagement ring no longer fits. My fiance went to get it resized but never kept the receipt and now the ring has snapped completely where it was repaired. My mother in law bought me a replacement ring but to be honest I don't really like it, it's not the ring my fiance chose for me and it doesn't sit well with my wedding ring. She was so excited about getting this ring for me and I don't want to hurt her feelings but I really don't think she should have bought it. I wanted the ring my fiance chose for me. What can I say to her? I don't want to sound ungrateful. It was incredibly thoughtful of her.

OP posts:

MinorCharacter · 28/05/2021 16:13

I would have said that by definition your MIL couldn’t buy you an engagement ring, whatever else she might buy you...?

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 28/05/2021 16:14

@Ozanj

Um, the OP said that she doesnt want the new one because she wants to have the one her partner picked out and bought for her. So he bought the ring the first time, he got it resized. So didnt seem to be a culture issue the first time around. And the post seems to imply that MiL did this because she thought it would be a nice thing to do, rather than it being "the way its done". He bought the first one!

Calamaribabe · 28/05/2021 16:16

This is the kind of thing my MiL would have done. Yes, it's weird, but she meant well - take it in the spirit it was meant, wear on the other hand until the other one is repaired or DP buys you another, then tell her you'll 'keep it as a dress ring' and thank your lucky stars if tactlessly buying you expensive jewellery is her worst fault!

BigHeadBertha · 28/05/2021 16:21

If someone gave me a misguided, but kind and generous gift, I wouldn't even consider rebuking them for it.

I'd just do what I do with any other gift I get that I don't especially want (which, to be honest, is most of them), thank her, then wear it at least once when she's around.

Perhaps after a while, if it's financially worth it, you could have it converted to a right hand ring, necklace or bracelet.

TenShortStories · 28/05/2021 16:22

I think I'd thank her genuinely for the gift but make it abundantly clear that I wouldn't be able to wear it as an engagement ring as it's important that an engagement ring comes from the man you're engaged too. But if she's still happy for you to keep it as just a ring you'd love to save it for special occasions.

emeraldcity2000 · 28/05/2021 16:22

I would ask do to handle it ... that way you don't upset her. Maybe ask him to say he would like to buy your engagement ring and he'll suggest you keep the other ring for a different purpose

WovenFish · 28/05/2021 16:22

Why is everyone suggesting wearing it on the other hand? OP says she doesn’t really like it. I’d hate to wear a ring I didn’t like all the time just because my MIL had busy-bodied and bought a ring to “help”, no matter how well meaning. This kind of help is so irritating in that it never seems to involve actually thinking about what the other person might want.

caringcarer · 28/05/2021 16:28

It sounds like she was upset your original ring was broken and did not want you not to have one. She sounds lovely to me. Take it and wear for now but get original repaired. Then switch it onto right hand.

mumwon · 28/05/2021 16:43

this is obviously a lovely "friendship" ring - in Australia both my older sisters got one of these off their boyfriends as a sign of "going steady" in the 60's. They were usually a small semiprecious ring worn on the right hand not the left.
So, (long pre explanation!) you could say (tactfully) you will wear it until your own ring is fixed (again & go back to the original jeweller first even if you haven't got receipt) & keep it & wear it & treasure the thought behind it as a sign of friendship between you. Or wear it when she sees you until the other is fixed & still say the last bit after its fixed.
I wouldn't do this but I can see her thinking pattern
I wonder if she has an engagement ring or has lost it or didn't like hers & kind of thought of what she might have liked - she obviously likes you - so although its a bit strange but be kind & tactful & let her down gently remember she is likely to be part of your future life

LynetteScavo · 28/05/2021 16:44

It's a really lively thing for her to have done....but it would irritate the hell out of me.

Get the other ring sorted out by another jeweller if you can, there must be something that can be done.

Wear the ring MIL gave you on the other hand. She's really overstepped the line, so don't feel you have to wear it.

MrsMiddleMother · 28/05/2021 16:48

That is such an odd thing, why would she even think it's OK to buy you an engagement ring! She's not the one you were engaged to. I'd wear it on my right hand and speak to husband about getting a replacement identical to old one

SunflowersAndLavender · 28/05/2021 17:01

Sweet? It's bloody weird.

I agree. I mean it is a sweet gesture, but it's very presumptuous and controlling at the same time. If she wanted to buy you a ring she should have told your fiance and offered to just pay, not choose the damn thing.

adreamofspring · 28/05/2021 17:03

You. do. not. have. to. wear. something. that. you. don’t. like. On any hand!
Put it in your jewellery box and hope she doesn’t keep asking you where it is. Or if she does, that she gives up after a few weeks.

Serpenta · 28/05/2021 17:05

I wouldn't dream of wearing it if I didn't like it. Not a chance.

butterpuffed · 28/05/2021 17:05

@fallfallfall

Which stone is bigger? Take the biggest stone and get it into the remade original band (or band of your choosing). It’s definitely a bit of an odd thing to do.

So is what you've suggested

rirette · 28/05/2021 17:06

Nuggetnugget · 28/05/2021 17:07

It wasn't her place even if meant kindly.

hauntedcomputer · 28/05/2021 17:07

I think she should be understanding if you (or her son) tells her that while you appreciate her kindness in wanting to be sure you have an engagement ring that isn't broken, the ring he actually proposed to you with has so much sentimental value for you that you'd rather have that one repaired (or whatever other solution you have in mind).

sadie9 · 28/05/2021 17:17

If you are marrying into this family you need to nip this overbearing mother in law behaviour in the bud straightaway.
Yes she means well. BUT, she is encroaching right into the very heart of your relationship. Symbolically, she is placing herself between you and your fiance. She'll continue to do this if you don't set a Boundary around yourselves. She's not noticing that she is separate from the two of you. Does your DH not think it's really weird of her to do that?
If not, then he's not noticing he's still attached to Mummy's apron strings.
Bring the ring back to her and graciously say 'I know it was important for you to buy this ring, and I'm so grateful that you thought of me but everyone is different and has different styles that they like, and it's not exactly what I would choose for myself'.

QioiioiioQ · 28/05/2021 17:19

super weird, she wants to be a third person in your marriage
urgghh I'd give it back and not care if she's offended, you've got her number now, dont lose it

Blossomtoes · 28/05/2021 17:30

@Ninkanink

Wear it on your other hand.

Get your original ring fixed by another jeweller.

This.

katy1213 · 28/05/2021 17:38

Don't you just hate a mother-in-law who buys you diamonds!

user1493494961 · 28/05/2021 17:59

So you've already got the wedding ring?

Mockolate · 28/05/2021 18:14

Probably coming from a good place, but yeah, definitely weird!

Laiste · 28/05/2021 18:24

@user1493494961

So you've already got the wedding ring?

Sometimes you buy the pair - engagement plus wedding ring - at the same time. Especially if the rings are a specific shape and fit together. OP says this ring doesn't fit with the wedding ring.

That or this is a wind up and OP slipped up there

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