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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this comment upsetting?

65 replies

devilboughtmysoul · 27/05/2021 22:13

Went out to celebrate friends birthday. I feel pretty horrendous about my appearance at the moment and no clothes fit me. I didn’t want to go but didn’t want to let friend down so forced myself and tried to look as best as I could.

When I arrived and she saw me the first thing she said was - oh you didn’t dress up.

I mean my confidence was at 1 and after that comment it was at 0 tbh.

Maybe because I was so conscious it hurt me more but friend is slim and and always has been so never understood the fear of having nothing to wear on a night out and feeling uncomfortable in everything.

OP posts:

ComDummings · 27/05/2021 23:04

She sounds like a bit of a dick for saying that you didn’t dress up.

katy1213 · 27/05/2021 23:04

I don't think you need to dress up for Slug and Lettuce! What you wore sounds fine.

BorderlineHappy · 27/05/2021 23:06

I am slim. I have a large wardrobe full of clothes and i assure you that there are days when i feel absolutely crap and feel like I ⁰have nothing to wear. I think your friends comment was, as others have said simply about being insecure that they were overdressed. You assume she is judging you whilst you are judging her (reading into what she said /assuming she could not feel overdressed/insecure)!
@firsttimeoptimist the friend brought up the shitty comment.
Which she didnt have to do.You cant compere what teh friend said to the ops face to what the op said here.

CommanderBurnham · 27/05/2021 23:07

It was a bit mean. If she was that bothered then she should have text you beforehand. A bit suss as well - did the others get a memo?

DrManhattan · 27/05/2021 23:12

She doesn't sound like a good mate.
I know exactly how you must feel, when people say stuff like that it's just rubbish.
Onward and upward though. Xxx

Thedogscollar · 27/05/2021 23:15

YANBU

Your friend on the other hand was extremely rude and insensitive.

This was The Slug and Lettuce so hardly fine dining.

She should have said lovely to see you and thank you for coming.

That's what a real friend would have said.

mikejardine · 27/05/2021 23:15

I don’t know - I just wouldn’t dream of commenting on a persons outfit negatively when at that point there’s nothing they can do to change it

This OP x 1000

All those people saying "was your outfit appropriate/ inappropriate"

What difference does it make? This is a friend, there is now no opportunity to change, they haven't asked your opinion... the only thing to say is you look lovely, a negative comment is just a horrible thing to do and could ruin their night. A friend knows that, and would not do that

AgentOhDoSodOff · 27/05/2021 23:24

What a thoughtless thing to say.
It sounds to me like you were dressed appropriately. If your friend values clothes more than the person in them I’d suggest it’s her who has the problem.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 27/05/2021 23:25

‘Well, I didn’t want to upstage you on your birthday - let’s face it, you need all the help you can get on that score’

Of course, no one ever thinks to say something like that until it’s too late - but imagine her face if you had

Nannyamc · 27/05/2021 23:27

Sorry but this is no friend.
You made an effort you turned up and you were comfortable. Lots has happened to us all in the past 15 months. Dont sweat the small stuff ever again. You truly deserve far better

Lalliella · 27/05/2021 23:27

Slug and Lettuce? Blimey in ours you’d be well over-dressed in anything that wasn’t jeans!

Your friend’s comment was totally uncalled for. She might have blurted it out by accident but she should’ve known it was a mean putdown.

Wishingwell75 · 27/05/2021 23:35

I think it's weird that so many pp are immediately excusing what was actually a rude opening comment from this "friend".
Normally you greet your friends with delight at their arrival, especially at the moment when going out anywhere is a novelty.
Had there been a prior discussion about what you were all planning to wear? Is she a close enough friend that you have been able to share your feelings about your current appearance ( you seem to be saying it's about weight gain but not why you have gained the weight. Is it due to overeating during lockdown or because of depression/difficult time or pregnancy)
Only you know if she has form for spiteful comments or if she's been excitedly planning this night out and the four of you getting dolled up and having fun. Also, jeans and a top is a bit vague - could be very glam or scruffy.
Considering I take ages to type, you may well have updated the information by now; but going on what you have shared already I think you were already feeling down and this comment hit a very raw nerve - understandably so. I would try and put it away for a bit and if appropriate you can ask her about it at a later time. The focus now should be on you feeling happier in your skin and again only you know what that will take.
Without knowing more the only advice I can offer is get out in this nice but of weather and move around more!😁 Or if it is crap weather where you are, put music on and dance!
This is the first step to feeling better, get some endorphins doing their thing and if you can do it often enough and combine that with eating more of the things that nourish your body you will also loose weight.
Of course if there is more going on, then that needs to be addressed so please don't take my flippant response the wrong way! X

HunkyPunk · 27/05/2021 23:37

It was just Slug and Lettuce.

Nothing wrong with Slug and Lettuce, but at having to dress up to go there! Your friend doesn't sound very nice. Sorry you're feeling low about your appearance. I'm sure you looked just fine. She probably felt overdressed and took it out on you.

ChloeCrocodile · 27/05/2021 23:42

i assure you that there are days when i feel absolutely crap and feel like I ⁰have nothing to wear.

There is a bloody huge difference between "I feel I have nothing to wear" and "I only have one outfit that actually fits". I've been in both situations and the latter is a million times worse.

Meirou90 · 27/05/2021 23:50

Probably just a touch of verbal diarrhoea, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

ddl1 · 27/05/2021 23:52

Either felt overdressed and perhaps put her foot in her mouth without thinking, or was complaining that you weren't going to the maximum amount of trouble to honour her holy birthday. There are people like that - e.g. a recent thread about someone who complained that her friend's 8-year-old hadn't dressed up to bring a present for her ONE-YEAR-OLD'S birthday Only you know your friend enough to know which it it's likely to be. Your outfit sounds fine, and I doubt that your friend was intending to criticize your appearance in general.

LadyLolaRuben · 27/05/2021 23:55

Sorry you felt shitty OP. Im sure even though you didn't feel great you looked fine. I agree, I don't comment on clothes, appearance or weight gain as you never know how much effort it has taken someone to even get out of bed that day. For you

Freddiefox · 27/05/2021 23:55

@katy1213

I don't think you need to dress up for Slug and Lettuce! What you wore sounds fine.

I think the slug is a good range of people and outfits. and jeans and a top are fine. Last time I went out all the young trendy people were wearing jeans and vans. All the over 35’d were dressed up.

WrongWayApricot · 28/05/2021 00:01

I wouldn't think to wear a dress to slug and lettuce either 🤷‍♀️ it wasn't nice to say but was the rest of the evening nice? If so I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you, maybe she was really surprised or was already a bit half cut with birthday drinks.

me4real · 28/05/2021 00:05

@devilboughtmysoul Your outfit sounds fine.

Sounds like your 'friend' is a bit catty.

dragonsmoke · 28/05/2021 00:10

Yea, that was a rude comment. I'm surprised she felt the need to make it but honestly, after 12 months in lockdown I cant even wear heels anymore so your outfit sounded perfect for the occasion.

eepeep · 28/05/2021 00:14

YANBU to feel upset and offended.

YABU to assume she was being mean or belittling. It might not have been emotionally loaded in her mind, it might have just been a random observation that she blurted out.

Just like she has no idea of all the turmoil in your mind leading up to the night, you have no idea what was going on in her mind.

Hence, you can feel upset and be kind to yourself but don't jump to conclusions about her motives or the friendship. I would let it go.

BigHeadBertha · 28/05/2021 00:28

We don't know what the friend meant because we're not in her mind. So, in deciding how to take that comment, I'd go by how she treats you in general.

It could be she thought your more casual look brought her group down in some way (lol) and it was intended as a criticism. Or it could be she momentarily felt overdressed in comparison and that's all she meant. Or she could have just opened her mouth and blurted out something stupid, as we all do from time to time. Or something else entirely that was in her mind but not any of ours at the time.

If you frequently find yourself feeling put down by this friend, maybe it is best to back off from her. If not, I'd consider giving her a pass. Sorry your feelings were hurt.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/05/2021 00:46

I've never been to the Slug and Lettuce. I haven't lived have I.😂😂😂

me4real · 28/05/2021 00:57

all the young trendy people were wearing jeans and vans

@Freddiefox I had to google vans

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