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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are mums just meant to 'carry on' when ill?

35 replies

Boo36363 · 27/05/2021 19:18

Hi all! Totally random. I have two dc and have been ill a fair few times whilst looking after them - it's just part of parenthood. I'm not complaining really...

Last week I had covid jab. My head was thumping, I was very very tired etc! Just feeling wiped out. Didn't actually have a fever or anything though. But I could barely stay awake. Even had to ring the doctors due to the severe headaches which have now subsided.

Mil turned up when j was feeling poop - unannounced - yay 😒 House was a tip. Apparently I just needed to drink more and take some paracetamol and get on with it, tidy the house etc. My house is usually pretty clean and tidy but I literally had no energy. Dp was working long hours all week. Usually I do 'just get on with it' but I felt extremely tired!! But I felt she was being judgmental. I was napping 2 or 3 times a day last week - j never nap. This is how wiped out I felt.

fast forward to this week. I'm feeling much better thankfully.

Dp is due his jab next week. Mil has just messaged me saying that she felt so ill after hers (a couple months ago so she knew this before I had mine) And to make sure dp rests, that I take the kids out (half term) so he can sleep etc! Even said he should go stay over there to bleddy rest! How I need to do all the cooking etc! Basically he shouldn't lift a finger. He'll be going to work like usual hopefully if his doesn't feel too ill afterwards.

Jesus! I know it's her son so she's gone from telling me to 'buck up' basically to telling me that dp should spend all day in bed - he might not even have side effects yet!

Thankfully dp doesn't share her attitude at all!

Not sure what the point of this post is really but she's so bleddy annoying!

Of course if dp is feeling unwell he should rest but to her it was okay that I was struggling through the week 😂

OP posts:

Timeforabiscuit · 27/05/2021 19:21

Best thing I ever did was to start downing tools whenever I was ill, if I kept going everyone just assumed I was fine.

Absolutely no need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm!

TheGoogleMum · 27/05/2021 19:21

She sounds a bit old fashioned and sexist. I'm glad your DP doesn't share her thoughts

Naunet · 27/05/2021 19:27

Ugh, she’s a misogynist, ignore her.

elliejjtiny · 27/05/2021 19:29

I hate this expectation that mums should just carry on. But I do think in general, mums are expected to carry on in a way that nobody else would have to.

OhRene · 27/05/2021 19:30

Just tell her what she told you. That he'll need to take a couple of paracetamols, drink more and get on with the housework etc.. if she argues tell her not to be ridiculous. It's the very same advice she told you and if you can do it so can your DH!

MurryFuff · 27/05/2021 19:31

Of course.. no one gives a shit when a mim is not well.
At least not in my experience.

MurryFuff · 27/05/2021 19:31

Mum even

ShirleyPhallus · 27/05/2021 19:32

Your MIL needs to wind her neck in and your DH needs to tell her to pack it in

Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2021 19:32

I’d have to reply to that with a very frank message.

Doona · 27/05/2021 19:34

She sounds awful. You shouldn't let her get under your skin, though. If she doesn't like the state of your house, she can go back to her house or help your dp clean. Those really are her only two options.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 27/05/2021 19:34

Why is she messaging you telling you how to look after her son? That seems bizarre.

I thought my MIL was a bit full on, but not even she’d message me like that...

Mellonsprite · 27/05/2021 19:34

How annoying for you. Tell her she’s changed her tune since you had yours then!

OhRene · 27/05/2021 19:36

I am rarely ill but when I am, we don't even think about who's doing what. DH just does it. He works and I'm a SAHM and he still does as many chores as I do. Well, the invisible chores like mopping the kitchen, wiping down cupboard doors, dusting the photo frames or something like even washing out the toothbrush holder, you know, the ones that magically happen are what I do but bless his heart, he is still a man

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/05/2021 19:37

Urgh. You have a MiL problem! Women like this who pander more to their sons perpetuate the bad treatment of women.

MadameQuaver · 27/05/2021 19:41

I agree with @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland!

Original poster

Boo36363 · 27/05/2021 19:42

Thanks all! Bit of a random post tbh. Dp thankfully doesn't share her thoughts.

I agree she is very old fashioned. Dp is the only earner currently. have worked but not currently due to kids (they both have sen), covid etc! She fully expects me to have a full meal waiting for when he gets home etc - we share the cooking - he doesn't expect me to do it all despite currently being a SAHP.

If we've been out and about with her she seems to get mad when Dp is hands on with the kids! She's always telling him to sit down and me run after them the whole time. He loves being a hands on parent! I'm not making him do anything!

I always thought she should be grateful her son has turned out to be the dad/partner she is. She was in a emotional and financially abusive relationship with dp's stepdad. Dp's dad was never around. Why can't she just embrace it?

Worst thing is, I haven't had to deal with her much due to covid but now she feels she can turn up when she pleases again - she knows I don't mind her coming over to see the children but she never lets us know first and turns up at the worst time it seems!

Oh well... this is not a new issue but I feel like she's constantly looking down her nose at me!

Once she caught me yawning... asked me what I had to be so tired about... apparently I can't be tired when I'm not working! Nothing to do with raising 2 dc with sen obviously 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Boo36363 · 27/05/2021 19:43

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Urgh. You have a MiL problem! Women like this who pander more to their sons perpetuate the bad treatment of women.

Thankfully dp treats me very well. He always said he wanted to treat me with the respect his mother never got with his dad and then later his stepdad! But yes I agree it's a mil problem.

OP posts:

SnackSizeRaisin · 27/05/2021 19:44

It's your own fault for letting her in! You should have said "sorry I'm not well you can't come in and next time please check it's convenient before turning up uninvited".

Original poster

Boo36363 · 27/05/2021 19:46

@SnackSizeRaisin

It's your own fault for letting her in! You should have said "sorry I'm not well you can't come in and next time please check it's convenient before turning up uninvited".

Yeah definitely! Covid has been a relief in some ways as she's not been able to turn up when she pleases. Sadly this is on the change again...

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2021 19:53

You were probably feeling too poorly to resist but don’t tolerate unannounced visits in future. She has no right at all to show up then start picking on you or your home you’ve clearly got your hands full even without jab side effects.

What a joyless horrible person.

Have you replied? I think I’d send a laughing emoji or just ignore her.

You and DP sound like a good solid team and you don’t need to give her nonsense another thought.

Glad you’re feeling better and hope DP has an easier time.

Redjumper1 · 27/05/2021 20:02

You keep saying DP. Are you not married? Being a sahm if you are not married is not the best idea. Especially if you have an interfering, busybody MIL. These women are known to cause marriage/relationship problems. I find it odd that you just accept that she can turn up whenever she feels like it and insult you. Doesn't seem to be any boundaries if she is sending you messages like that and openly calling you a lazy parent on days out. You have much bigger problems than the outdated view that women are expected to get on with things.

Ldnmum7 · 27/05/2021 20:09

Yep apparently so. Been juggling mastitis with a newborn and toddler this week & no DH as he had to work away for a few nights. Toddler also unwell. Week from hell.

saraclara · 27/05/2021 20:15

"MIL, when I was suffering after my vaccine, you told me to take a paracetamol and get on with the housework. I'll pass that same advice on to DH."

Also make it clear that she needs to let you know when she wants to visit.
Either that or be 'about to go out' every time she calls round.

pigsDOfly · 27/05/2021 20:23

I'm afraid my reply to all of her remarks would have been rather rude.

Unfortunately, certainly in my time, probably same generation as your MIL, mothers did have to just suck it up and get on with things.

Hopefully, things have moved on since then and when you're ill you're entitled to rest and be looked after the same as anyone else; you certainly shouldn't be up and about tidying the house. Sod that.

Toffeesausage · 27/05/2021 20:25

I would tell her to fuck off😇

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