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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Too much freedom when very young leads to low level misbehaviour...

57 replies

Homeontherangeuk · 27/05/2021 19:06

Just a thought... We live in a very nice estate, it's very large. Our road is full of kids the same age as my dc 7 & 10... My kids rarely play out as they are very busy with activities, school & love to read/play together in the garden etc in downtime or have school friends in the garden. I'm not a fan of them playing on the road as I can't supervise & tbh don't approve of what I see... Tonight the road is full of kids, it's bucketing down, we've had 3 knock & runs plus 2 kids standing outside our house screaming my dc names... The kids are out from morning til night in term time & were out mixing the whole time during covid restrictions... They have so much freedom & very little bounderies... The families of all are very nice & we'll to but are all working from home at the minute..
My dc play out occasionally but the last time they came in as they didn't want to play "chicken" which was dancing behind any car that was reversing into it's driveway....
Aibu to think that too much freedom leads to low level delinquency? I posted about the chicken in the neighbourhood whatsapp group & also the knock & runs (I didnt mention the kids names) ... I got flamed by the majority of the group who agreed "kids are kids", "they have had a hard year" & "the kids in this estate are angels compared to most".... I am now also "that mother" on the road for pointing out my observations...

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 27/05/2021 19:13

I'm not convinced too much freedom leads to low level behaviours.

But absolutely agree there is a correlation in what you say - and have seen it.

What the issue is is that the kids know whatever they do they will get away with it.

I had friends like this. Their kids would come home fuming someone in neighbourhood told them off. My response was always "why? What were you doing". But my friend always said they shouldn't be telling her kids off or that her kids denied they did anything - therefore they didn't do anything Hmm

I played out a lot as a kid. But I behaved on the whole because I knew if I didn't I'd be grounded. So it's not the freedoms as such but the freedom to behave how you like without consequence.

Homeontherangeuk · 27/05/2021 19:19

I gave out to them about the knock & runs & said the dc were doing school work & as it was also bucketing rain they wouldn't be going out... 5 mins later they stood outside the window shouting their names knowing they were doing homework, the kids in question are 9 & 10..

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 27/05/2021 19:19

I don't think too much freedom leads to delinquency.

I think piss poor parenting, no expectations and a failure to set a proper example does.

My children had plenty of freedom. They also absolutely knew how to behave and would not have dreamed of carrying on like this.

Mintjulia · 27/05/2021 19:23

I think there has to be a balance. Yes it's been a difficult year, yes kids have a right to be kids and the occasional knock and run is not really a problem, but playing chicken with cars is a step too far.

A couple of years ago kids were playing chicken with cars on the M4. And the railway. So YANBU.

Allington · 27/05/2021 19:26

Freedom is not the same as being inconsiderate. DD played outside loads with light supervision (gradually decreasing as she got older). She knew that if she had joined in knock and run she would have been grounded straight away. She was 'free' to do whatever she liked as long as she was respectful of others.

lazylinguist · 27/05/2021 19:30

I don't think too much freedom leads to delinquency. I think piss poor parenting, no expectations and a failure to set a proper example does.

^This. Also there is a happy medium between letting your dc roam around the streets for hours in god knows what company and overscheduling them or keeping them in all the time because they like reading. Going to the park with friends for a couple of hours is fine. Freedom needs to be gradual.

OhRene · 27/05/2021 19:42

No. We live opposite a park and my two youngest are allowed to roam the whole village and I expect nothing less than impeccable behaviour and that's what we get.

Lazy, shitty parenting results in delinquents, but that has little to do with whether the kids are out and about. You can still be a strict parent and allow your children freedom.

Homeontherangeuk · 27/05/2021 19:44

I totally get what you're all saying, I was really riled up tonight... Dc do go & play occasionally & thankfully have the common sense not to play chicken or play knock & run.
DH thinks the kids on the road are bored as the parents are currently preoccupied. Some went to afterschool pre covid & the parents haven't sent them back seeing as they are working from home... Dc said x & y don't have to homework, I asked why & they replied their parents don't think it's important...

OP posts:
Homeontherangeuk · 27/05/2021 20:09

Still riled, shameless bump!

OP posts:
hauntedcomputer · 27/05/2021 20:12

I voted YANBU because in your case, the "freedom" (lack of parental involvement) definitely doesn't lead to anything good. I think adult supervision is important, especially for young children. You don't have to watch them every second of the day, but you can't just turn them out of doors and leave them to do whatever they want with no checking-in or rules.

The people flaming you for commenting on something as dangerous as standing or dancing around moving cars are being incredibly stupid. How will they feel if one of those kids is hit by a car? They don't like someone calling attention to their pathetic parenting practices, so they divert blame back at the person making the noise.

JoanWilderbeast · 27/05/2021 20:13

@itsgettingwierd, I think you've nailed it with: "it's not the freedoms as such but the freedom to behave how you like without consequence". And without wanting to derail the subject, the fish is rotting from the head down.

Skysblue · 27/05/2021 20:14

Yanbu OP.

Can’t believe people said ‘kids are kids’ to the game of chicken!!

Sounds like lazy / neglectful parenting to me. You are the normal one you just happen to live on a street of lazy parents egging each other on.

I live in a peaceful semi-rural cul de sac. Area packed with kids. None of them play on the road except for the occasional ride round the block which if kid is primary aged will have a parent escorting. All the roads round here are like that. Not saying this is perfect either but certainly a contrast to what you describe.

ragged · 27/05/2021 20:17

um, our grandparents had huge amounts of freedom from young age. Did they turn into mostly hooligans?

Compare to modern kids, not allowed to go to a shop by selves before age 12.

chickenyhead · 27/05/2021 20:19

My children have freedom. Freedom to make reasoned choices for themselves, knowing and considering the consequences of their decisions.

Some of their friends feel that there aren't rules in my house. There are. There are informed choices and predictable consequences.

My DC aren't delinquent. In fact outside of the home they are angels lol, they save their boundary pushing for me.

MissyB1 · 27/05/2021 20:32

There is such as thing as too much freedom. I had loads of freedom as a child and it’s a bloody miracle I survived tbh! I played chicken on the railway and did other equally insane things. I look back and realise I just wasn’t looked after particularly well. One boy I went to school with did die, he was mucking about on a railway bridge.

My ds plays out on our street with the other kids but I keep a sharp eye out, and any sign of nonsense from any of them he gets brought in sharpish. He catches the bus to school (year 7) but I txt him when he’s getting off the bus.
It’s a tricky balance at times OP but you sound sensible to me.

AnyOldPrion · 27/05/2021 20:50

I suspect the reality might be that people who are lax parents tend also to let their children run wild. Plenty of freedom probably isn’t the problem in itself. Plenty of freedom was the norm when I was a child and there wasn’t uniformally bad behaviour.

Homeontherangeuk · 27/05/2021 21:04

It's just the sense of entitlement really gets my goat, this is a large, urban estate, there are cars everywhere... My dc do play out, they have really good friends on the road but like my dc they are not often out due to activities, school work, family time etc but these kids only seem to have "the road" to occupy their free time & they are turning into little nuisances for want of a better word.... There's a difference between playing nicely & being a nuisance like knock & run, chicken etc....

OP posts:
mercuree · 27/05/2021 21:09

It's probably more like freedom without any consequences?

I'm really, really against what I feel is the "overly managed" way to raise children I see a lot on here. What I mean by that is... kinda what you are describing to be honest. Sorry. The rarely playing out because their schedules are so full of activities or playdates with school friends. Not letting them out because it's raining? Do they not have coats? And did homework have to be done right this second when they've been at school all day? (I disagree with homework too Grin).

There are further extremes with the 12 year olds incapable of walking to the corner shop, 14 year olds incapable of getting a bus and having to be driven everywhere (rural exceptions), and nobody ever walking themselves to their walking distance school. But it's all the same vein where everything must be managed and supervised.

I think there has to be at least a balance and at 7 & 10 they should be encouraged to play out as much as possible. It honestly might not be a bad thing for them if the other kids are behaving like that. That's where you sit them down and explain why it's wrong, and how they get experience of "oh... maybe I shouldn't be doing this" when all their peers are doing something.

I'm not sure how people expect a 14 year old to confidently say no to drugs when their "good friends" are telling them it'll be a laugh, calling them pussies etc, if they've never been used to doing that in fairly low risk scenarios throughout their childhood?

If your children cave in to the peer pressure of a game of chappy the sky isn't going to fall down, is it? But they can practice "actually I'm going home to play xbox, see you guys later". Or the old "my mum said we need to be home for tea" trick. The bigger one can learn to advocate for the little one. Also, if they're lucky, a neighbour might threaten to rip their fucking ears off, and they'll not chap doors again (this happened to me Grin).

We got up to some nonsense as kids, some stuff we shouldn't have been doing, but my brother and I became pretty streetwise teenagers, well versed in petty dispute management, and as adults we're both very confident and never lost the bond we got from being chucked out at dawn and shouted in at dusk.

I see that with my daughter too (also 10). She takes her younger sister to the park and her and her friends look out for the little ones. But she's also a child of 10 and she messes up. I always know when she's messed up or something is on her mind because she walks in the door the first thing she says is: put the kettle on Grin. Just two days ago she made a bad choice, there was some drama and she could have avoided it but instead her and her friends went looking for more. But nobody died, we talked about it, and the most important thing (to me) is that she actually told me and we spoke about ways to make a better choice next time. These are opportunities to A) teach life lessons and B) get the trust and dialogue going between us early. I want her to come and tell me when she fucks up now, so she absolutely knows she can come and tell me if she has fucked up when she's 14, and I'm going to help her put things right.

So yes, bad behaviour is a risk, but that's probably do to with the parenting rather than the freedom given. And the benefits of giving freedom can outweigh the risks.

Twoforthree · 27/05/2021 21:13

I think it is these kids in particular, rather than kids in general.

Namechangedlady · 27/05/2021 21:35

When I was 21, the estate kids used to hide behind vans then jump out in front of the car.
The only time they ever did it to me, I wound my window down and politely told them the next time I wouldn't stop. They looked suitably scared at that prospect and they didn't try it again.

partyatthepalace · 27/05/2021 21:58

This sounds less like too much freedom and more like crap parenting to me.

Sceptre86 · 27/05/2021 22:06

I've experienced similar on my own estate. As we were coming into the estate kids as young as 6 were running across the road infront of the car. A person posted on the estate Facebook page but started off by apologising as the kids were only being kids, some parents acknowledged that their children had been there and they had taken them in but the overall consensus was that it wasn't a big deal. It would have been if one of their kids had got hit by a car. I am not saying that kids should never play out but at that age parents should surely be still keeping an eye out. I think it all depends on whether the kids know there will be consequences and actually have parents to see them through.

Sceptre86 · 27/05/2021 22:08

Should have said that they were purposely running out infront of the cars.

PinkKecks · 27/05/2021 22:16

Think I agree with the WhatsApp group - kids will be kids. We used to do it as kids (we called it knock down ginger in my day). We knew it was naughty, but that's what made it exciting! Please rest assured that I'm terribly respectable now and have managed to avoid a life of crime since. I expect the kids in your street will be fine too.

PinkKecks · 27/05/2021 22:20

The chicken thing is dangerous and I would certainly want to know if my child had done that.

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