Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband ASD - I’m struggling

28 replies

Dreamersunited · 26/05/2021 22:06

Posting for traffic...

My lovely DH is highly likely on the spectrum.

Are there any books or podcasts or whatever we can get to help him be a more in tune husband and parent?

I find I am spoon feeding him instructions on how to build a relationship with the children - and me - that I feel that a neurotypical person would not really need!

His tunnel vision on his own work/projects leaves me feeling pretty neglected but I can’t cope with him doing it to our children too...

OP posts:

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 27/05/2021 01:40

I would suggest counselling OP. This charity provides counselling for Aspergers and Autism. Have a look and see what you think. You may also have a local charity which specialises in ASD. Often it’s possible to get funding for counselling with a diagnosis.

www.actionforaspergers.org/asperger-counselling/

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 27/05/2021 01:42

Unfortunately I don’t have any recommendations for podcasts or books but have you tried looking on YouTube or TedTalks?

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 27/05/2021 01:43

Also wanted to say I’m very sorry you are feeling neglected

LivingLaVidaCovid · 27/05/2021 02:00

Do you want to stay in the marriage?

I don't understand why he isn't seeking help and you are doing it for him.

Was he like this pre marriage too?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2021 04:28

Nothing will change unless your husband is the one to seek help, ASD or no. You can't fix him. It's not possible and not your job, even if it were. You sound very unhappy to me.

Puddlelane123 · 27/05/2021 04:48

Sympathies OP. Have a look in the relationships section as I believe there is a long running thread there for women married to men on the autistic spectrum / with ASD traits. I’m sure you would find lots of support and help from the ladies there.

gonnabeok · 27/05/2021 05:39

OP, I have been here. I ended the relationship for a load of other reasons too.It is so difficult to see when there is no relationship built. Our dd knows her dad is diffferent. We both came way after his obsessions etc.It was never going to change so I ended it after a long time of trying. It was so exhausting.They have to want to improve things. Me and my dd are much happier.

I hope things get better. I know how difficult it is but ultimately he needs to put in the effort and that needs to come from him.

Ravenspeckingearly · 27/05/2021 05:56

OP mine too. After years of nagging and an ultimatum (that I was leaving) he eventually found and completed an online parenting course (run by Stanford university I believe). He wouldn’t go to what I would consider a normal parenting course ie with other parents, because he insisted they ‘weren’t like us’. It did make a big difference. How old are your DC? DH’s parenting has improved as the DC have grown (10&9 now), but he is not a perfect parent (and neither am I). I have learned that you can’t help other people-only they can help themselves. You can educate and change yourself, which may have positive knock on effects......but it’s hard work. Depends how much you want to save the marriage. Sending

bathsh3ba · 27/05/2021 06:31

I sympathise. I left my marriage (DH was diagnosed with ASD shortly after) for a range of reasons but some were similar to what you are struggling with. Like you, it hit hardest when it affected the children.

But like any relationship difficulty, it can only be resolved if both people want to work at it. I think you may have to accept you will always feel you are guiding/prodding him. That is who he is and he can't help that. But being autistic doesn't mean no empathy (read Damian Milton on the double empathy problem) and if he wants to learn how to build a better relationship, he can do.

The other thing I would say is just like any other group of people there are nice autistic people and not so nice autistic people, people who are selfish and people who care far too much what others think. It really is dangerous to generalise and to see everything about him as being 'because autism'.

My ex was also a cheat and emotionally abusive. In the end the autism was almost incidental. We get on better now we split but sadly while he pays his way, he doesn't really have a relationship with our kids. I've given up trying to force it.

TheLastLotus · 27/05/2021 08:26

A simple google will show up lots of resources.
But none of them will help if your husband doesn’t acknowledge it.
If you go for an official diagnosis then he will have access to therapy.

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2021 09:26

There is no course that is going to teach him how to be neuro typical if he isnt. There are courses that may help him parent differently. As for supporting you, do you mean emotionally? Practically? Are you willing to change your way of doing things to meet him halfway or to change your expectations of what love looks like?

bathsh3ba · 27/05/2021 10:22

I think the key thing is accepting what can and can't be changed and deciding if you can live with that. If he is autistic, he can't be neurotypical and you can't expect that behaviour of him. You may have to accept he has to be given clear instructions about social situations and building relationships. You could frame this as you supporting him rather than spoon-feeding him. No therapy is going to change that, therapy for autistic people (or at least reputable therapy) focuses on reducing the distress that autistic people can experience when they try to 'fit in'. Not on changing them.

If he is motivated to want to please you and the children, and willing to take instruction, then he can certainly learn what you want him to say or do in certain scenarios. But he won't know it instinctively, he can't. And if he doesn't see the need to change anything, he won't and you can't make him.

Ultimately it's if you can live with it. Mixed ASD-NT relationships are hard. They can work but it takes effort on both sides.

Original poster

Dreamersunited · 28/05/2021 07:24

Lots food for thought here... but essentially, yes we absolutely want to save the marriage.

Many of the resources out there on relationships and ASD are one way... ie how can we support the partner with ASD... Well I can tell you that he gets masses of support from me but its not always reciprocated.

I want him to remember I exist. I don’t want to spend the next 40 years by myself on the sofa every night whilst he does his hobby. Ditto the children.

Yes he should be doing the research not me. I need to talk to him (again).

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 28/05/2021 07:36

But he doesn't want to change so why would he do any research? You really need to think whether this is the marriage for you.

Nettleskeins · 28/05/2021 07:58

It can help to structure time with you and kids more formally. So certain nights of week without fail are hobby free, for example. Imho this sort of behaviour and rigidity is partly because autistic partner craves downtime, alone, to reset. It can work if you replace their sort of downtime with your sort of downtime. Ie find an activity that you both enjoy and isn't stressful. In our case we enjoyed watching films or drama series together, or going on long walks, or making coffee "hour". But my husband complains like you that I'm not showing him enough interest; I'm the possibly autistic partner in this so I can give you some insight in this.
We are still married after 23 years and very attached to each other. But it is hard for both of us. I really struggle with anxiety and my downtime keeps me on course, but it is important to challenge my perceptions of what is necessary for happiness and what is not...ie force me to engage sometimes, be less picky or stressed about something, keep things in perspective.
For example I am worrying about a dentist appointment am, DH has to put up with this. But then I'm happy and carefree about other things, because I'm on a different wavelength to my people in what I prioritize, which he finds cheers him up.

Nettleskeins · 28/05/2021 08:11

There will be activities that your DH does much better than you with the children, and it is worth finding some. I am completely involved with the kids, SAHM and one has SEN, but he is much better at some things than me...like taking them to football or even on trips, cafe etc, which I find really hard from a sensory point of view (ie kids bickering when out) it doesn't really matter who is autistic or not it is more that each of you will have strengths in dealing with kids and he needs to play to HIS. Don't let him think oh she is so much better than me with kids, find a bonding activity he can supervise, swimming lessons, food shopping trips, chopping veg, mowing lawn...anything really, and don't share it with him, he has to be the Dad who does that with the kids. Women sometimes think oh he is rubbish at that I am better at dealing with kids and don't set boundaries about what he SHOULD be doing with them. It could be as simple as breakfast on Sundays, is always his responsibility and you get to stay out of the way whilst he does it HIS Way.

UmamiMammy · 28/05/2021 08:39

My dh (49) received his ASD diagnosis recently. We have been married for 17 years and have 2dc in their teens. Youngest dc has ASD and learning disabilities and was diagnosed at 3. I was sure dh had ASD about 10 years ago but it was years before he would consider the idea.....it had to be his decision. He has attended an online course run by our local autism service and I think it has helped him a bit. His main reason for seeking diagnosis was to get some help in work.
I think you need to decide what you want from your marriage and if you are being realistic..... things can only change if he wants to change.... BUT he will ultimately still have ASD and that will never change.
If you can't accept that then perhaps it is time to decide if he has a place in your future?

Nettleskeins · 28/05/2021 08:55

My DH regularly challenges some of my fixed mindset about things, without criticising ME. It is possible to have counselling, if you are a person with an ASC (note I say condition not disorder), to make the best use of your gifts, and other people should not have to put up with rubbish behaviour ie shouting, walking on eggshell response, withdrawal tactics, disengagement just because their partner has an ASC. It is about living their best life, not their worst.

TheLastLotus · 28/05/2021 08:59

My DP has ASD but having been diagnosed as a child he has received lots of support/therapy etc.

It may be helpful to discuss the ‘what’ and the ‘why’. As different autistic people have different needs and ability to cope with different things.
My DP is very cuddly and loving. But he finds words and conversations hard (I’m very chatty and meandering) so I have to trim my sentences. Also at first he couldn’t tell when I was upset so I told him what specific things to look out for and he knows now.

Autism can either mean slow processing speed or that they don’t notice/know how to interpret things.

However some things can’t be fixed. I.e I could never date one who had significant sensory touch issues. Or who fixated too much on their hobby. As autism is a spectrum some can modify their behaviour but it’ll be hard for others. It’s all about you as a person deciding your boundaries and what you’re willing to put up with

P.s i also have adhd ... most other people would find me a nightmare to live with so I get both sides of the coin.

Tal45 · 28/05/2021 09:12

Tell him that relationships need time and effort putting into them and if he wants to be married and be a good dad then that's what he has to do. He can't just be totally self absorbed.

Agree a set time every day when he can do his projects ie 7-8 every evening and reasonable start and finish times for work (if he is self employed for example). Plan things to do together and talk about what he might like to do or could do with/for the children. Get him to make a schedule of activities that includes his own, with you and with the kids. Get him to set himself reminders to remind him to ask his kids how their day was etc.

These are the things my dh does.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 28/05/2021 09:18

dreamer I'm in the same boat. Trying to keep the marriage together has taken a huge amount of effort and energy.

I think I'm done. If I have to spoon feed him how-to-be-married then, I guess it's not a marriage.

There is no reciprocity and there will never be any reciprocity. I cannot live like this, but, I do't know how to leave a man who is, after all, doing h is best. It's a shame that his best is not adequate to maintain a relationship.

Lettuceforlunch · 28/05/2021 09:23

Wasn’t there a book about this? Something with yellow in the title?

Lettuceforlunch · 28/05/2021 09:24

www.amazon.co.uk/Journal-Best-Practices-Marriage-Asperger/dp/1439189749?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This is what I was thinking of.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 28/05/2021 09:32

I read it, loadashite. Or rather, it didn't resonate with me. He was still entirely focussed on himself, not her, isn't he oh-so-clever-for-figuring-this-out?

Well, not really, he didn't adequately examine his sexism and he DIDN'T GET DIAGNOSED! He just did an online test and wrote a book to tell us all about what a good husband he became.

I'd be far more interested in what his wife had to say, but, I guess she's a bit too busy doing everyfucking thing.

TheLastLotus · 28/05/2021 16:28

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria I always wondered at the hype around that book.their marketing team deserves top dollar! The bigger irony is that his wife is a professional who works with children with Aspergers..if you’re so sure what’s stopping you from getting a diagnosis

Flip

1 2