Husband ASD - I’m struggling

[Dreamersunited]

Posting for traffic...

My lovely DH is highly likely on the spectrum.

Are there any books or podcasts or whatever we can get to help him be a more in tune husband and parent?

I find I am spoon feeding him instructions on how to build a relationship with the children - and me - that I feel that a neurotypical person would not really need!

His tunnel vision on his own work/projects leaves me feeling pretty neglected but I can’t cope with him doing it to our children too...

My husband has some traits in my opinion and I need to get my little boy assessed after much consideration. The thing is that I can actually manage if some of the things are due to neurodiversity even though it’s hard to be the emotional fall back for the entire family. I think people essentially can’t change but they can learn. He looked at me the other day and said with my easiest but fiesty overtired middle child - you aren’t telling me what to do and it all made so much sense. I think that was hopeful for me because it meant he was open to learning. I’m not sure if that makes sense. He’s never going to carry the emotional load and sometimes when I’m overwhelmed I have to say I don’t feel well as he can get that 🤣 there are workarounds on both sides.

If he is not able to address this himself I would walk away now. You cannot cope with 40 years of being on the periphery of someone's life. Your children don't deserve this either. The very nature of autism is the inflexibility of the person involved, and if it manifests itself like this now, I can't see it changing. Give it a time limit. Get him all the help you can, and if nothing changes, spare yourself even more distress.

You say "we" want to save the marriage but it looks a lot like it's only you...

I would agree with PPs and suggest talking to a specialist clinical psychologist with experiencing working with couples and autism. It may be that he needs individual therapy and you also need couples therapy .