To feel so resentful about ex's inheritance?

[flyingtartar]

We split up seven years ago following his infidelity- she was a mutual friend and the relationship didn’t last. He had been a sahp as he saw himself as a writer/musician and I have a career. He was okay at it but when we split he left as needed a break – he never tried to position himself as the main carer and definitely didn’t want the responsibility.

When we first got together his dm gave him £60k as a deposit on a house. We bought together and I paid about 90% of the mortgage I would have thought until we split. We weren’t great with money and were also hit by the 2008 crash and we also moved to a bigger house so when we split there was only about £38k equity in the house and no other assets aside from my pension. When we divorced he asked for me to buy him out and for a further 10k when ds2 turns 21 (will be 9 years from now). I was only eligible to borrow about £17k and he got about £12k after fees and debts had been settled. He was adamant he wanted none of my pension, which is quite a good one.

After the dust settled I put in a claim for CM as he refused to ever discuss it with me. He has the dc 4 nights per fortnight but never pays for anything at all – has nothing for the dc at his house so I have had to provide absolutely everything since we split. At that point he started sending abusive emails about ‘his £60k’ and how I had grasped it from him. Obviously, it didn’t exist anymore at the time we split and that was as much his fault as mine, probably more so as he would never prioritise earning money over ‘following his dreams.’

So now I am comfortable month to month but having to save for his fucking 10k and provide absolutely everything for the dc. I often worry about when the dc are in uni and other major costs that would floor me. It has always felt like everything is my responsibility. It took me until last year to get any CM from him and he now pays £100 per month for a 12 and 14 year old and provides fuck all else.

He’s just inherited from his dad, who died a couple of weeks ago, and dc have shown me a house on RM he has put an offer in on – it’s £170k so must be a huge inheritance as he would never get a mortgage and has nothing of his own. He will also inherit from his dm, probably more. He’s just quids in and it really stings, though I know this is horrible of me. I’ve struggled for years and will continue to and he is now loaded having done fucking nothing all his life and effectively been subsidised by me. I have no idea whether I will ever inherit but if I do it won’t be as much as him as my parents are together and I have a troubled relationship with my dad. I’ll have to hand over the £10k as well. I had a small inheritance (well, £30k didn’t feel at all small at the time) but would have to hand a 1/3 of it over to him yet he has thousands now so it would be a drop in the ocean. If he’d just tell me he has the kid’s uni costs sorted I’d feel a lot better, but even if he plans that he’d never tell me until the last minute. I also worry that he’ll start throwing money at the dc and they’ll want to live with him. It just feels so unfair and I know this also makes me a bad person.

Life 'aint fair. At least you can look back at your life and know you are a good person unlike the lazy waster of a cocklodger your ex was.

@flyingtartar

How has he put an offer in on a house before his dad's estate has been sorted?

This was my thought exactly. Dc told me they viewed the house with him at the w/e (he had already viewed previously) and he told the vendor he would be okay for the money in about a month. It does seem odd to me - even if he knows how much he has coming it seems odd to be putting offers in until you actually have the money, but that's him all over. I wouldn't take my house off the market for him but it is now sttc on RM. I hope the dc aren't in for a disappointment.

He won't have probate in a month.

www.theguardian.com/money/2021/may/02/grieving-relatives-despair-at-months-of-waiting-for-probate

If the op says she doesn't have the money, then he could potentially force her to sell the house to pay him.

Op he's an absolute wanker. But getting hung up on what he has and what he doesn't have will only make you miserable and angry. Go to CMS and make sure he is paying the correct amount, which sadly will only be based on his income not his wealth.

University costs he should contribute towards but you and dcs should not relying on it. Save as much as you can to pay him off as soon as possible. I would also be encouraging the dcs to be getting jobs as soon as possible and saving up towards uni. I think the minimum loan is about 4k less than the maximum? So realistically the minimum you need each year is 4k.

it is not realistic to expect term time work on many courses especially medicine
That’s totally incorrect. Many medical students work pt and can get work as an hca on the bank so they can pick their hours.

Ultimately, many don’t when they got mum and dad to pay, but those who don’t manage just fine and often do better at exams.

They could also move with him over the summer before starting Uni and claim their residence at his. If he doesn’t work or is on minimum wage, they’ll get the full loan.

In terms of settlement you were very fortunate that he didn't touch your pension as it could far outweigh the amount you are having to pay him or any settlement he received. He may have a mortgage free house but how will he fund his old age. He doesn't sound the type to plan ahead so may reap what he sows. Just not now.

Not sure how old you are but is there a possibility of you accessing the tax free cash from it to cover any shortfall in uni expenses for your children? Obviously this would need careful consideration as it would limit your ongoing contributions to the scheme.

Also does he still feel that you benefitted from the house deposit? It doesn't have to be logical but perhaps he's stewing on that which affects his generosity towards his children. I know my exhusband feels that my settlement should cover expenses for our daughter and he has contributed zero towards her uni costs although bringing home over £8k a month.

I can understand your resentment about his lack of contribution but it will eat you up if you let it. I feel grateful that I don't have to deal with the twat anymore even if he has more money than he can spend but spend it he does and is likely to have less of a retirement fund than I have. However, he will be alone in old age as our daughter quickly realised what he was and wants nothing to do with him. Perhaps some counselling would be useful for you to process your feelings. Trying to make him step up is a waste of energy as he sounds like a dead beat dad.

You split a long time ago, and by your own admission, even though you had a decent salary, the two of you were not good with money and managed to turn a £60k deposit into £38k of remaining equity.

He did do childcare while you earned to pay the mortgage.

If a woman was in that position she would be advised on MN to have gone after a share of your pension.

He has family leaving him an inheritance. Some do, some don’t.

Concentrate on your own life, get what you are due from him, don’t chew yourself up and wear yourself out looking sideways at his circumstances.

It doesn't make you a 'bad' person, BTW, to feel as you do. It's just feelings and they will pass eventually.

If you try and change the agreement, you might be putting your pension at risk

Be careful and get professional assistance before doing anything

Contact CMS and request an increase in CM. £50 a month per child is fucking ridiculous, he sounds like such an arse. Even the fact he’s already spending his inheritance when his Dad is still in the funeral parlour is sickening.

If a woman was in that position she would be advised on MN to have gone after a share of your pension

Can people stop with this selective poor menz shite? If he was a woman and he walked away from his kids after being a SAHM and then barely saw them or contributed to them over the years, how do you think she would be treated? Or do we only reverse roles when it favours men?

Op my exh is a disgrace also. Fleeced his aged dm out of 40 k. Got a further 60 k when she died a few years later. Fleeced hmrc I am not sure how but he did... Bought a house outright... Our dc still didn't go see him and never will. He wil never ever have a relationship with them like I have. Take a breath and allow the smugness to cover you..
I have a nmw job and we live modestly . I feel more blessed than ever with my life.

Because my ex isn't in it.
And I have dc all to myself..
And they are doing great without him.

Yes, I definitely don't want to jeopardise my pension - I only want to know he'll provide or contribute to the dc in uni. My income is about £50k so I would definitely be taken into consideration and I'd have a lot to pay - Martin Lewis suggests about £7k per child and there'd be a year when they were both there probably. Don't see why they should have to work all the time when he sits on a small fortune OR wastes it all before they even get there.

And the thing is, I think the dc do still see him through rose-tinted glasses a bit. It would give me no satisfaction if they had no relationship with him like some on here have described their dc have with their ex, but it's also galling that they don't really see him for who he is. They don't know he cheated and I don't bad mouth him, though he has me. They know to ask me for everything they need though, but I can well imagine if he started flashing the cash they might migrate towards his house. He has had them 2 nights per week on average (less in hols) since we split so it's not like he's barely been in their lives. And that's obviously good, but he has breezed through it a bit while I've had to work my arse off. Occasionally dc have said to me that I care more about my job than them, which I don't, but he's never had that accusation and it really hurts.

@Naunet

If a woman was in that position she would be advised on MN to have gone after a share of your pension

Can people stop with this selective poor menz shite? If he was a woman and he walked away from his kids after being a SAHM and then barely saw them or contributed to them over the years, how do you think she would be treated? Or do we only reverse roles when it favours men?

This. Stop it it with the utterly incorrect poor little hard-done-by men claptrap. It just makes you look very thick.

@Naunet

If a woman was in that position she would be advised on MN to have gone after a share of your pension

Can people stop with this selective poor menz shite? If he was a woman and he walked away from his kids after being a SAHM and then barely saw them or contributed to them over the years, how do you think she would be treated? Or do we only reverse roles when it favours men?

^This.

100% behind you on this one OP. Life isn't fair and it hurts no matter how old you are, I don't understand why it's look down upon to say that! We're only human after all, and I for one don't see it a problem to occasionally indulge in a little bit of the 'it's not fair'-ism!! Practically I don't think there's that much you can do, you can try emailing his mum, or speaking to him once some time has passed. You can even cautiously think about increasing your CM claim, but I would weigh the risks up with that one/take some advice. Sorry for him losing his father, but from a financial perspective it is unfair how some people seem to work hard forever with no let up and then others who haven't worked a day in their lives land on their feet financially. I don't judge you for being annoyed about that.

Well, of course they don't accuse him of caring about his job, OP, he's clearly a wastrel!

I know how much it hurts to hear that accusation from your DC, though, but since mine all (3 of them!) went to uni and got out into the world, they have all turned round and thanked me for being the primary breadwinner, providing a nice secure home and being there for them as they launched. DD2 in particular thanked me just the other day for being a good rôle model of a career woman with a strong work ethic and ambition. It's nice when it comes. Unless yours go in for nursing, they will be able to work while at uni, don't worry.

The icing on the cake for me was that when my inheritance came in, I could invest it for the DC and give each of them a chunk towards a house deposit. 2 down, 1 to go. ☺️

I completely understand how you feel and YADNBU.

You’ve supported him and financially propped him up while he’s lived liked a teenager and continued to ‘follow his dreams’ rather than grow up and accept responsibility and provide for his children! Lots of people have ‘dreams’ but if you have children you have to provide for them!

He’s incredibly lucky to inherit enough to buy a house but I suspect any other money he inherits will soon be spent because if he’s still ‘following his dreams’ aka choosing to not work! The money won’t last forever.

He sounds very selfish so I’m not convinced any of the money will be spent on your children.

Well tbh of your children say that to you how about asking then who provides all their stuff because it certainly isn't their dad!
Maybe some home truths might make then see sense. And it doesn't have to be said in a nasty way or as a dig. It's just the truth..

Don't see why they should have to work all the time when he sits on a small fortune OR wastes it all before they even get there

You are right but burning energy cycles on a wastrel is wasted energy. He won't change now.

They don't know he cheated and I don't bad mouth him, though he has me.

I get you want them to have a relationship with him but its not your job to cover up for him or manage that relationship. I wouldn't "bad mouth" him but I'd have no compunction about making it clear there is rather more to it than their father has told them. They are old enough to be told "more to it but I want to keep that between him and me, not put you two in the middle of it".

He has had them 2 nights per week on average (less in hols) since we split so it's not like he's barely been in their lives

TBH, I think the chances of a tight wad wastrel stumping up the time, effort and cash to accommodate the DC are pretty much zero. He may use the idea to attack you if he is that way inclined but I bet it never happens.

As for DC comments about the job - I agree with @NewlyGranny. Teens say hurtful things at times but as adults they see the world a bit differently. I was always the main earner and for long periods the only real earner (different circumstances) and at times had comments from the DC. All of them as adults have appreciated that my ability and willingness to be the breadwinner kept a roof over their heads when their DF fell ill.

This is hard but try and see it a different way. Split the ten thousand into cost per year you won't have been with him by the time you pay (16 years?). About £700 per year not to be with this petty, feckless and vindictive man is worth every penny.

You will get no joy from him. He sounds a self centered prick. My approach would be to tell him cost per year of kids going to university - ask him to match your contribution, when he tries to weasel out of it suggest that ten grand is his contribution. He might choose the oath of least resistance

@flyingtartar

Yes, I definitely don't want to jeopardise my pension - I only want to know he'll provide or contribute to the dc in uni. My income is about £50k so I would definitely be taken into consideration and I'd have a lot to pay - Martin Lewis suggests about £7k per child and there'd be a year when they were both there probably. Don't see why they should have to work all the time when he sits on a small fortune OR wastes it all before they even get there.

I'm on 50k and we have got the full course fees and the loan of 5.5k

We will have to top it up, and not expecting DC to work in the first year, but the second year, they will have to get a job

When my parents divorced, my mother was awarded the equity that was in the house - not much, as they'd only owned it 4 years at that point and it was before the property boom. Altogether it was about £23K...but my father hadn't paid the mortgage for 2 years after he left so once the bank arrears/penalties had been paid my mother only got £13K. There was a court order that my father still owed her the other £10K...to get around paying, my father promptly disappeared off the face of the earth. This was 1991, so that was still comparatively easy to do. My mother even hired private investigators to try and find him...the most that they could find was that he'd gone abroad.

He still owes my mother that £10K. She gave up trying to enforce the debt 20 years ago.

Op, re Uni, you can't make him pay, but you don't have to shoulder it on your own. I have a very similar ex.

My plan is that the children will ideally work for a year (as I did) to save to help with uni costs. I will ensure they have a roof over their head and food. But if they want money for fun etc they will need to work /ask their dad to chip in. This is not me being mean, but it is the only way I think to ensure all the pressure isn't on me but it get them an education.