Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To feel so resentful about ex's inheritance?

90 replies

flyingtartar · 25/05/2021 22:01

We split up seven years ago following his infidelity- she was a mutual friend and the relationship didn’t last. He had been a sahp as he saw himself as a writer/musician and I have a career. He was okay at it but when we split he left as needed a break – he never tried to position himself as the main carer and definitely didn’t want the responsibility.

When we first got together his dm gave him £60k as a deposit on a house. We bought together and I paid about 90% of the mortgage I would have thought until we split. We weren’t great with money and were also hit by the 2008 crash and we also moved to a bigger house so when we split there was only about £38k equity in the house and no other assets aside from my pension. When we divorced he asked for me to buy him out and for a further 10k when ds2 turns 21 (will be 9 years from now). I was only eligible to borrow about £17k and he got about £12k after fees and debts had been settled. He was adamant he wanted none of my pension, which is quite a good one.

After the dust settled I put in a claim for CM as he refused to ever discuss it with me. He has the dc 4 nights per fortnight but never pays for anything at all – has nothing for the dc at his house so I have had to provide absolutely everything since we split. At that point he started sending abusive emails about ‘his £60k’ and how I had grasped it from him. Obviously, it didn’t exist anymore at the time we split and that was as much his fault as mine, probably more so as he would never prioritise earning money over ‘following his dreams.’

So now I am comfortable month to month but having to save for his fucking 10k and provide absolutely everything for the dc. I often worry about when the dc are in uni and other major costs that would floor me. It has always felt like everything is my responsibility. It took me until last year to get any CM from him and he now pays £100 per month for a 12 and 14 year old and provides fuck all else.

He’s just inherited from his dad, who died a couple of weeks ago, and dc have shown me a house on RM he has put an offer in on – it’s £170k so must be a huge inheritance as he would never get a mortgage and has nothing of his own. He will also inherit from his dm, probably more. He’s just quids in and it really stings, though I know this is horrible of me. I’ve struggled for years and will continue to and he is now loaded having done fucking nothing all his life and effectively been subsidised by me. I have no idea whether I will ever inherit but if I do it won’t be as much as him as my parents are together and I have a troubled relationship with my dad. I’ll have to hand over the £10k as well. I had a small inheritance (well, £30k didn’t feel at all small at the time) but would have to hand a 1/3 of it over to him yet he has thousands now so it would be a drop in the ocean. If he’d just tell me he has the kid’s uni costs sorted I’d feel a lot better, but even if he plans that he’d never tell me until the last minute. I also worry that he’ll start throwing money at the dc and they’ll want to live with him. It just feels so unfair and I know this also makes me a bad person.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 26/05/2021 06:11

If he stops paying CM for your DC when they’re university age then I’d stop saving any money towards his £10K. Petty, but he’d presumably have to jump through hoops to claim it from you?

If you can afford to psychologically ring-fence that £100pcm into savings towards university/paying him off, then I’d do that. Yes, he’s an utter shit not contributing to his DC’s upbringing and no, YANBU to feel resentful. I think anyone would feel resentful in this scenario. But realistically if you cannot change it you need to be able to not dwell on it.

Original poster

flyingtartar · 26/05/2021 06:15

Thank you for all replies - I'm grateful most don't think I'm awful for feeling this way.

Oh and don't worry about Uni (assuming your DC decide they want to go) as that's what student loans are for.

But the living costs loan is means tested isn't it? Martin Lewis says you do need to save for this and it really worries me. Both dc very academic so it's very likely both will go.

While I'm grateful for all the advice given, this isn't about seeing if I can get some of the money off him. I don't think I'd have a claim anyway as we have a court order thing saying we have no future claim outside it to each other's finances. I could ask for more CM but it's since I put a claim in for CM that he stopped talking to me all together and I would be worried he would retaliate in some way like by trying to get the dc to live with him f/t. It's more about how I feel and the future for the dc.

I'd like to ask him if he plans to put some aside for uni, and I'd also like him to say he doesn't now want the £10k. The rest is just my feelings of 'it's not fair!' which obviously I have to live with and will get over! Do people think it would be reasonable to raise these matters with him somehow once some time has gone by?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 26/05/2021 06:24

I think it would be reasonable to have that conversation, along the lines of “X, DC will need £X per year during uni, please can we discuss your contribution to this?” And then go from there. If he says fuck odd, CM stops at 18 then I’d say well, in that case we have a problem with the £10K at 21...

I don’t think you can say, in any way that will seem reasonable to him, Hey ex, now you’ve inherited £120K can you write off the £10K and put aside £X on top for university.

A decent dad might think to provide this. But he doesn’t sound decent. He sounds petty.

ivykaty44 · 26/05/2021 06:40

when the dc get to 21 say yes Ill pay the £10k in instalments at £5 per week as you haven't got it........

play him at his own game

what can he do about it if you show willing to pay and set up a standing order? It'll take 38 years to pay the £10k

ivykaty44 · 26/05/2021 06:44

he could take you to court, and this will cost him money, but also eps like yours don't often get their shit together to see things like that through and get it all through court

then if they do, whats he going to say

well she's paying me in instllemtns and showing willing to pay the amount

RosesAndHellebores · 26/05/2021 06:46

If he has inherited, presumably it will eventually go to the children which is the principle objective of estate planning when one is together. I can't really see the issue.

Milesbennettdyson · 26/05/2021 06:50

@starrynight21 you are wrong.

It depends on the terms of your order in regards to the financial order at divorce. Did you have a clean break?

glencoco · 26/05/2021 06:51

It’s not unreasonable to resent someone who has been a shit and has fallen on their feet, but it would be better for your sake to let it go. My ex left me with a load of his debt in exchange for me keeping the house, he then went off to spend a load more money while things have always been tight for me. It has been hard at times watching him splash the cash but the kids and I have had more fun and are happier than him (obviously I don’t really know this, but it’s probably true!)
Also, student loans are means tested but you would have to be earning quite a lot for them to not get the full amount, so don’t worry about saving for uni unless you actually can afford to, the student loan system is supposed to make higher education accessible for all.

user1471530109 · 26/05/2021 06:55

Hi OP, you haven't answered the question regarding your divorce. It is REALLY important. Did you have a consent order when you divorced? If not, you can make a claim on the inheritance (or at least revise the £10k. I find the fact the a court would ask you to pay him 50% of the equity AND do all the financial burden of bringing up the DC very unusual).

CimCardashian · 26/05/2021 07:18

I think you have to somehow look on the brightside OP..... you aren’t with him any more which is a good thing.

I’ve seen a good friend have SO much anger following her divorce and I think it made her really ill. You need to find a way through despite the HUGE frustrations.

He sounds really selfish having not really contributed to family life financially. I know a few of these artistic types 🙄

DinosaurDiana · 26/05/2021 07:32

You really need to put him and his money out of your mind. He is nothing to do with you now, other than regarding the children.
You have a debt to pay, I’d be putting his child maintenance away every month so that he is effectively paying his own debt.
Then I’d no longer provide anything for the children when he has them.
Finally, thank god that you escaped 💐

853ax · 26/05/2021 07:41

I think as your children are older few years off uni they could ask him will he be able to help them out with living costs.
Know it is a worry if your s now but chances are he won't have any cash left once gets the house so inheritance will be spent.

BluebellsGreenbells · 26/05/2021 07:41

Could grandad have provided in his will for the kids? Can you ask to see a copy of the will as it’s public property?

Newkitchen123 · 26/05/2021 07:50

@flyingtartar

How has he put an offer in on a house before his dad's estate has been sorted?

This was my thought exactly. Dc told me they viewed the house with him at the w/e (he had already viewed previously) and he told the vendor he would be okay for the money in about a month. It does seem odd to me - even if he knows how much he has coming it seems odd to be putting offers in until you actually have the money, but that's him all over. I wouldn't take my house off the market for him but it is now sttc on RM. I hope the dc aren't in for a disappointment.

I'm in the process of buying a house. I had to prove finances when I put the offer in. Houses are selling very quickly at the minute. Sellers are not going to wait around if they've had multiple offers. Just because he's put an offer in doesn't mean he's bought it

vivainsomnia · 26/05/2021 07:54

But the living costs loan is means tested isn't it? Martin Lewis says you do need to save for this and it really worries me. Both dc very academic so it's very likely both will go
This is all speculative. Why would he commit to anything now? My two were highly academic. One went on to Uni but the other didn’t.

My eldest has just finished uni. Studied in a very demanding and competitive field. She managed just fine with her loans, work she did part time and then full time during her holidays and me paying for her mobile and £50 a month pocket money.

It’s very possible, so don’t panic.

LannieDuck · 26/05/2021 07:54

@user1471530109

This. Did you have a consent order when you divorced?

Naunet · 26/05/2021 08:04

when the dc get to 21 say yes Ill pay the £10k in instalments at £5 per week as you haven't got it

Yep, that’s what I’d do too.

Whoarethewho · 26/05/2021 08:09

Just be greatfull he didn't go for the pension. The Mumsnet posters would have had you tearing into that as part of the divorce settlement of it had been the other way around

Maray1967 · 26/05/2021 08:11

If uni is a realistic option then you do need to be saving for them. I don’t know the exact details as we earn more than the top limit but I think it’s about £60 k - once parental income is at that level the student can borrow about £4400 a year for maintenance if studying away from home outside London. Realistically they need £9-10k bearing in mind hall fees at many unis. I posted about this a few days back - it is not realistic to expect term time work on many courses especially medicine etc. And the job situation can be hard with employers insisting on shifts that clash with classes. I’m a university lecturer and have had quite a few students get in a mess being required to do too many shifts.
As a PP said, if he is not reasonable with ££ I would make it as hard as possible for him to get that £10k eg I would use it to pay DC accommodation in his first year and say he’ll have to have it in small instalments. I wouldn’t hand over a cheque for £10k.

Naunet · 26/05/2021 08:14

Just be greatfull he didn't go for the pension. The Mumsnet posters would have had you tearing into that as part of the divorce settlement of it had been the other way around

🙄
Speak for yourself.

Original poster

flyingtartar · 26/05/2021 08:14

Yes, we had a consent order and it states that we have no future claim on each other outside its terms. I wouldn't really want to go down that road anyway as I think it would be more trouble than it's worth.

I find the fact the a court would ask you to pay him 50% of the equity AND do all the financial burden of bringing up the DC very unusual).

Yes, but as he waived all rights to my pension it was less than 50% of the assets. One of the things I think is wrong about the way finances are settled after divorce is that CM is done separately and has no bearing on the other arrangements, so someone like him can take 50% of the assets and provide nothing for their dc and the two facts don't impact each other. I would be happy to forget the CM if he'd forget the £10k, but it doesn't work like that. I've been advised that if I fail to pay up on time there would be very high interest on the £10k (I have the figures 8% or 15 % in my head for some reason) even though his outstanding CM has been written off and the amount he now pays is paltry. I think it's disgusting.

I do hope that some of this money will make its way to the dc, but I can also see him pissing it up the wall before it does. I wonder about emailing his dm at some point and asking if she knows if there is anything set aside for the dc.

OP posts:

looptheloopinahulahoop · 26/05/2021 08:21

Note that there is a primary residence exclusion, so if ex H uses his inheritance to purchase a property that he lives in full time, this won’t be viable - but if he leaves it in cash, or buys a second home, you would have a shot here

Question here, could you claim on the basis that a house has been bought outright and the non-paying parent doesn't have a mortgage or rent to pay anymore, or a much smaller one, so they can afford to pay their CM?

It seems completely unreasonable to me that a father can inherit money and still not cough up for his kids.

CoffeeCakey · 26/05/2021 08:24

You could do that once the dust has settled on his death but I'd be really careful how you word it so it's more from the side of you are planning your savings plan for DC's future and that she must feel under no obligation to tell you.

To be honest if his dad gave it to your ex as an inheritance it's up to him if he spends it all on himself, presumably your dad knew what he was like when he wrote his will. It's annoying though.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 26/05/2021 08:24

I'm not entirely sure that the information you have been given is correct OP. Yes you owe him the £10K and the interest rate would be up to 8% above the lending rate of a bank like Barclays if you didn't pay on time.

BUT, he owes you years of CM and you could counterclaim for that. I suspect his unpaid CM massively outweighs the £10K. The judge would set off one against the other. It's not about family law at that point, it's you owe him money and he owes you money and the court works out the sums.

CoffeeCakey · 26/05/2021 08:25

I think it's disgusting I agree with you there, he has the money he should be paying for his kids not taking money off them via you.

Flip

1 2 3 4