Cleaner for OCD sufferer. AIBU?

[niknakpatty]

Inspired by a recent cleaning thread on MN.

I have severe OCD (clinically diagnosed) and clean a lot. I have issues with touching dirty things but also the need to clean dirty things. It really is as insane as it sounds.

I would love to have a cleaner but my OCD has always prevented me from hiring this help. I have OCD related trust issues in that the person will not do the job to my standard. I also assume that the cleaner would bring with them “germs” from outside/previous jobs. The main worry is that the cleaner will do the job “sloppily” as I have strict OCD rituals and then I will just have to clean after they leave anyway.

I would like to know whether I’m being unreasonable in wanting to find someone who could work around my OCD related reservations or if it’s asking for too much from a person.

I am happy to pay extra if it means that the cleaning is done in a way that satisfies my OCD. Eliminating the mental and physical stress of OCD cleaning would be such a life changer for me. It would allow me to do things I haven’t in years as a result of my OCD such as hosting gatherings, having friends and family over and lots of other things.

My grandma had cleaning OCD and it wasn't possible to find a cleaner who could meet her standards - but she didn't have the budget to pay a higher wage for the standard she needed (and kept making herself ill with overwork when she was too frail to scrub as much as she felt things needed scrubbing). You might have better luck with a higher budget but you will need to be very careful in recruitment and training to explain what you need, and you will need to have contractual consequences for not meeting those standards. If you just sack each cleaner that doesn't make the grade you will swiftly run out if potential employees. If you have an agreement that says the cleaner gets £20/hr if the job is done to the standard you need, but minimum wage only if you have to re-do the work yourself afterwards because it wasn't done right, then they will learn to do it right in order to maximise their income.

Slightly off subject, have you ever tried CBT?

Unfortunate YABU. Please don’t waste time and money trying to find a cleaner who can reach your impossibly exacting standards! My MIL had OCD, so I have some experience of this (of course everyone’s experience is different). As you know, OCD is a mental health condition and obsessive cleaning is just one of the ways it can manifest. No cleaner will ever be able to clean to your satisfaction, because the repetitive behaviours (in your case cleaning) are caused by intrusive thoughts, not necessarily actual dirt. If a cleaner makes the place spotless, you will still feel that it is dirty and carry on cleaning - or change to another repetitive behaviour. It will not help you to beat OCD, and will actually increase the hold it has on you. I hope that you are getting support and treatment (and, if appropriate, medication) as that is the best way to overcome this condition. I wish you well - it can be beaten, with the right support.

I agree sadly. What would help you is not for someone to clean everything to your standards so that you can relax, it would be that you did have such standards. I say that kindly, knowing it’s an illness outside of your control and hope you can get the help you need.

Sorry didn’t have such standards

IF you were engaged in therapy and this was a means of you truly reducing cleaning and thoughts of cleaning from your life then it might be something to consider but honestly it sounds as if it could just be a way of you feeding your obsession by buying in additional cleaning which will never be sufficient.

I wish you well with getting better but I don’t see this helping with the current status quo.

Better to invest in private therapy and a private psychiatrist to treat your OCD (a two-pronged medical/psychological approach has been shown to be most effective).

You can't control another person with your OCD. It could possibly make it worse. You could become fixated on this because it's not really in your control.

You should focus on releasing the grip it has on you rather than potentially making it firmer.

I agree I just can't see how you will get the same relief from her cleaning as you do your own as the germs and dirt aren't really something tangible you can see. You would be best spending this money on private therapy.

I have a cousin who has battled OCD on and off since very young age. Hopefully this won't sound too harsh, but sourcing out doesn't seem to be an option in OCD.

I would second CBT. Also, my cousin had some improvements after their GP suggested glutamate reduction techniques (diet modifications and supplements). I am not sure exactly how it works, but although it didn't fix the problem, apparently it made day to day life a bit easier.

This is highly unlikely to work whilst your OCD is still controlling you. Better to seek counselling / medical help so you can normalise your "standards" than to try an impose them on someone else.

I tried op but I had to let her go. She was a fantastic cleaner but I was constantly worrying what she had touched after cleaning the toilet, whether she'd washed her hands at the same points as I would etc.

OP I have OCD too. I’m sure you understand that your OCD isn’t actually about things being clean but about the security you find in the rituals of cleaning them. A cleaner will not help you. You need some actual therapy.

I tried outsourcing everything, that didn’t work, then I wouldn’t let anyone come over, then I couldn’t cope with my own family making a mess. I was an OCD prisoner, a had 14 sessions of CBT and it had literally changed my life and possibly saved it too. It was one of the most difficult but best things I have ever done.

YABU I'm afraid. I have OCD too but if I don't see the cleaning I can trust that a professional cleaner has done it well. If I sat and watched them clean it would trigger me. Dust and things don't really bother me though, it's mainly contamination from different surfaces and similar.

Are you in therapy for your ocd? A cleaner will solve nothing if you aren’t getting treatment

My daughter has Tourette’s with OCD traits and tendencies as part of it.

Hers isn’t so much cleaning/germs based, but about carrying out rituals and routines in certain ways, eg, checking her light is turned off, etc.

For her, she has to carry out these things herself. Someone else doing it for her doesn’t help her in the slightest. I can check she’s turned her light off and tell her, but part of the OCD traits are that she has to do it herself.

So, with cleaning/germs would you be reassured that a cleaner had cleaned it or is part of your OCD the rituals and compulsion to do it yourself?

Does that make sense?

My DD has been having CBT (and CBiT) for a while and has been finding it helpful. Would help addressing the OCD be more successful in the long run maybe?

You're better off getting treatment for your OCD surely!

Thanks for your responses, it's been helpful.

In relational to seeking treatment for my OCD, I have had three rounds of CBT and integrative therapy amongst various other medical intervention but they have all been ineffective.

My condition is progressively getting worse and I was hoping to try something different hence the cleaner.

@lisamarii you've taken the words out of my mouth, I couldn't have said it better myself. This is exactly what I worry about but I was hoping that perhaps I could find a happy medium and behave more like @WWYD12345 whereby after I explain everything to the cleaner and provide clear instructions, I can walk away leaving them to it.

I definitely could not observe as it would trigger me but I was hoping that my OCD could be satisfied knowing that I have explained everything fully and as the cleaner is a professional they would be carrying out a satisfactory job.

I know that I would be tempted to wipe down handles after they leave but I could live with that.

I was also hoping that perhaps if I experience the "comfort" of not having to do the cleaning then it would motivate me to ignore my OCD compulsions more.

It’s worth trying but I don’t think you can penalise the cleaner if you need to redo the cleaning due to your OCD (rather than due to it actually being dirty). Appreciate you didn’t suggest this yourself, it was a PP.

I’m not sure whether it would actually help your need to clean as if you haven’t seen her do it or done it yourself the compulsion might still be there. And you can’t follow the cleaner round watching every single thing she does (and even if you could I don’t think it would really help, it would just be another think to obsess over).

But if your OCD is getting worse and making you miserable it’s worth a try! Maybe agree a trial period of a few weeks so it’s easy for you to break it off if it’s not helping.

I think it’s a worth a go as a trial.

@Wormwoodgal

Unfortunate YABU. Please don’t waste time and money trying to find a cleaner who can reach your impossibly exacting standards! My MIL had OCD, so I have some experience of this (of course everyone’s experience is different). As you know, OCD is a mental health condition and obsessive cleaning is just one of the ways it can manifest. No cleaner will ever be able to clean to your satisfaction, because the repetitive behaviours (in your case cleaning) are caused by intrusive thoughts, not necessarily actual dirt. If a cleaner makes the place spotless, you will still feel that it is dirty and carry on cleaning - or change to another repetitive behaviour. It will not help you to beat OCD, and will actually increase the hold it has on you. I hope that you are getting support and treatment (and, if appropriate, medication) as that is the best way to overcome this condition. I wish you well - it can be beaten, with the right support.

This

I have OCD and I don't believe it would ever work. OCD isn't rational and if your mind doesn't focus on cleanliness it will find something else to obsess about.

OP, I don't have OCD and still have never found a cleaner who meets my standards (regardless of hourly rate) so I wouldn't get your hopes up! I think you'd be better off spending the money on additional therapy.